Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 14 – Guerilla Filmmaking

Let’s DO this.

Will AmPrime have the original song? Oh, I’m tingling in anticipation.

Opening scene, Audrey and Oliver enter a room and she pours him a shot of something while telling him he’s nooooo good. Then he makes a blonde joke and he tells her he’s the boy who will rip her soul apart and they furiously make out.

Then turns out it’s just a script and the dialogue is too stupid, even for Audrey, who cuts the scene. But she says the problem with the “feeble writing” isn’t how corny it is, but rather is her character showing too much interest because then he’ll lose interest in her. Oh no, the guy who says things about tearing souls apart will lose interest… shucks… Oliver is affronted.

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Ow, my soul!

Dawson tells Audrey she has to, no joke, “penetrate the subtext,” which is that he knows that she knows that he knows, something, something, who cares. Jen is shouting into a megaphone and Pacey is doing sound or something and apparently flailing around about it. This is taking place at a film school in Boston and they need these jokers for this shitty movie.

The Jann Arden song plays. Goddamnit.

In Joey’s writing class with the pervy prof, he’s talking about life’s intensity and how it relates to writing, head versus heart, conflict, etc. He asks for examples and Joey’s like, I have one, it’s about a guy. And dude’s like, isn’t it always? Then a bell rings from some tower and that signals the end of that discussion. TV writers never seem to be able to end a class normally where the teacher or prof has actually kept track of time. They’re always starting new conversations immediately before the bell rings. Prof’s like, oh nuts, really wanted to hear where that was going. Oh well!

After class, Joey’s like, we need to talk, that was awkward. Yeah, maybe because you brought up your love life in class with the professor you’re canoodling with. He deflects with self-depreciation and apologies before telling her to say what she’s gonna say and then she stares at him and is like, n’ah, I’m cold, laters.

Back at the restaurant, Audrey pops in on her day off, as people are wont to do, and there’s Pacey cooking himself an omelette. She’s like, you slept here, didn’t you? Pacey is sleeping in a restaurant? Audrey is giving him flack for not helping her learn her lines for Dawson’s crappy movie. Pacey’s says it’s not a good time and then some chick comes into the kitchen, kisses his neck and asks what’s for breakfast. So he’s sleeping at the restaurant and having one-night stands there too? Maybe I’m not an adventurous 20-something anymore, but where the hell did they sleep? Pacey introduces her as his good friend Gina and she’s like, uh, excuse me? It’s Rina.

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I slept on a filthy floor for you.

And she’s out of the Dawson’s Creek universe in a huff, but not before she can call him Stacey.

At the frat, Jack walks in all sheepish and gets a mild greeting and the brothers all finalize kegger plans and leave. One guy named Eric stays behind and Jack says he doesn’t know how to be around the other guys anymore because he feels like an idiot. Probably doesn’t help that he is an idiot.

At Grams’, Dawson is editing the movie and Jen pops upstairs with a hot drink. He’s stressing because the ending doesn’t work and their rentals are almost up and they have 12 hours to re-write and shoot the whole thing over. Oh, and Oliver sucks at acting. Dawson cues up a scene where Oliver kisses Audrey and pokes her in the nose instead.

Then Oliver turns up and Dawson tells him to have a seat, all grave and stuff, and I’m wondering if he’s gonna tell the guy that he blows. And he does! Diplomatically. And Oliver takes it amazingly well. Too well. Weirdly well. So they talk about recasting it to finish it in 12 hours. Is this the shortest movie ever? Is he in one scene? I don’t understand this.

They’re like, how do we find a sexy, soulless guy in six hours? Jen says she used to date someone like that. Then they want to find him and Jen’s like, no, you wouldn’t make me do that, would you? And now it depends if this mystery loser is free to spend the next half a day, starting immediately, to act in this crappy movie.

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Oh, this guy.

It’s Charlie. Jen says she needs a favour. He’s all, why would I wanna do you a favour? And Jen says he would need to make out with a really hot girl and so Charlie’s on board. Charlie’s a simple man of simple tastes.

At the dorm, Joey storms in saying, “He’s unbelievable!” And Audrey’s like, yeah, I know, he forgot her first name! Joey’s like, what? Audrey’s all, huh? Does Audrey think Joey was talking about Pacey for some reason, before even being told about Pacey? Cough *feeble writing* Cough.

Joey complains about her prof and how he was her mentor and friend and now it’s not like that anymore, and Audrey was right about it being a crush, and Audrey says, yeah, you’re a babbling idiot about him. But also it’s super okay to be in this situation because you feel ALIVE! Let’s hope she never befriends anyone with a tendency towards manic episodes. That is literally the worst advice.

At the frat, Jack talks to Eric, who has stayed behind. Jack’s rooting through the beer fridge and Eric asks if it’s not a little early to drink. Jack suggests some hanging out rather than the studying they both need to do.

At Grams’, Jen is doing a script read-through with Charlie, and she’s racing through it as quickly as possible. And they decide to go with him as the new lead because why not. Dawson says they need to re-write the ending, which I guess he didn’t mention until now, because it doesn’t make sense. The ending is she breaks up with him and breaks his heart and he blows her away– poetic justice. Dawson said he thought it was brilliant but now it doesn’t really work.

OKAY SRSLY? A perfect ending because it’s poetic justice? Gun violence against women? And the ending now just “doesn’t make sense.” Oh, it makes sense, you know, because it happens all the fucking time. It’s just not poetic justice– okay, I have to keep going. But the writers of this show have some fucking issues with women.

Back at the frat, Jack and the brother are laughing at the guys who go out looking for women who want to watch Notting Hill, a movie Jack likes but Eric doesn’t. Then Jack lays down on the floor and dude follows him. And since this is not a subtle show, I think someone’s gonna make a move.

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But WHO?

He asks Jack, “When did you realize you were gay?” And so obviously he is gay. Again, this show just sort of slaps you in the face with subtext about as frequently as they use the word subtext. He rolls over to Jack, gets closer and says “You’re the kind of guy I want to be.” And Jack gets all awkward and sits up and changes the subject, which is probably the shittiest way for an openly gay man to handle a closeted man’s attempt to come out to him. Like, wtf, Jack? He’s sort of a black hole when it comes to support. He’ll suck it all in and demand more, but he’s got nothing to give.

Dude gets up to go and Jack’s like, no, don’t go (mixed messages, buddy). But go he does because the one person he thought he could talk to has an EQ of about 4.

Outside the prof’s house, Joey is pacing and acting out what she’s going to say to him, which is something no one would ever do in real life. Prof watches her from his window and puts an end to the foolishness by opening the door and calling her out.

She says she’s sorry he kissed her, and he’s sorry too but she doesn’t want an apology. She says she’s going to walk over to him and shake his hand all manly and such and then leave. He asks about the class and she says she’ll drop it. No great loss, he says. Ooh, ouch. She says, screw you, and he’s like, no, I mean, you’ll do fine without it.

Yeah, okay buddy, like anyone would ever take it that way. Then as she feels embarrassed for misunderstanding him, he gives her this smug smirk. Yeah, he knows what he’s doing. He goes on about her talents and instincts.

I’d like to point out that throughout this series there was a time she was into art (remember that?) but there’s never been this narrative of Joey, the great writer. Joey the big asshole, the hard-working student, the petty cynic, sure. Dawson, for all his nonsense, has been working on his craft for years. Joey is now suddenly this amazing writer now? All those years of sulking must have really paid off. Now she’s saying she doesn’t want to leave. Flattery will get him everywhere.

At the dorm, Pacey is helping Audrey with her lines and she’s psyching herself up. I’ve never heard her mention a single class, but this movie is getting all of her attention.

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Let’s do this!

Audrey leaps into character, straddles Pacey, calls him “Gage” (Oh, isn’t that terrific) and they start going at it. then they abruptly stop because it’s “wrong.” Because he’s Joey’s ex? With how much everybody is pretending that relationship never happened by literally never mentioning it ever, one might be forgiven for thinking they’re being wieners about this. Even though Audrey sucks. Even though he’s apparently homeless and could do better than this hot mess.

On the set, Audrey and Charlie are making out and Audrey calls cut because Charlie’s kissing technique is choking her with tongue. They keep trying to get through the scene, but Charlie’s struggling. Probably because he’s only been given a couple hours to prepare. Everyone’s getting annoyed. They muddle through and Dawson calls cut and Audrey says it’s too intense with Pacey right there being the boom operator.

In the prof’s house, because Joey never left, they’re being sarcastic about how “comfortable” they’re feeling. As they converse I’m getting uncomfortable with how little chemistry they have. She wants to talk about the class topic of heart versus head and desires and shit and openly leans in for a kiss right after he says he doesn’t want to get fired. Before they kiss, her phone vibrates. She answers the call, says she’ll be right there and leaves. Now, who could have called? I’m gonna guess… Audrey.

But then as quickly as she left, she bursts back in, plants one on her professor and sails back out the door.

At the frat, two guys enter Jack’s room and tell him Eric says Jack just tried to kiss him. Jack is over being in the frat at that point. He denies it, points out it makes no sense that in an effort to smooth things over at the house he would try to kiss an unsuspecting straight man, and that he’s done and moving out.

Wow, Eric realllly wants Jack out of the house after that last encounter. Also, Eric is also a shithead.

At the set, Pacey is telling Dawson he thinks he knows why his ingenue is so exasperated. Dawson tells him he’s an idiot for getting involved with an actress. Charlie moseys over with questions about his character and Jen lunges at him from out of nowhere and threatens to slap the silly out of him. What the hell is this?

Then Joey shows up for no reason. Why is she there? Oh yes, the phone call probably. Yes, Audrey has locked herself in the bathroom because that is what you do on a low-budget film when the equipment has to be returned in like five minutes.

Dawson, meanwhile, sends Jen home because her assaulting the cast is not going to help him meet his goals.

While en route to the bathroom with Pacey, Joey asks if anything has happened with her and he’s like, uh NO! And she calls him an idiot because wouldn’t it be better that he get involved with someone awesome like Audrey than some ditz? Wow. So many layers to how ridiculous that statement is.

They enter the bathroom and Audrey is sobbing about having betrayed Joey, but she’s all, n’ah, don’t give a shit. Here’s my blessing, now go bone.

The fact that there was zero fallout after this breakup is the laziest TV writing failure ever. The relationship tore friends apart and was this big love story and then boom, over, and… it’s all good because who wants to dwell on human emotion.

Calling the Fonz for a surfboard.

As Jack is leaving the frat, he sees Eric and tells him he thinks he needs help and he hopes he finds it. Then out the door he goes.

Joey’s walking through the set outdoors, it’s night, and before she goes, Dawson wants to talk about his hesitance over the ending. Apparently him killing her or the happy ending are his only two options and he doesn’t have the childish corniness inside of himself to go with the happy ending.

Or, you know, they could just break up without a woman being shot to death by a jilted lover.

Then they don’t talk about how messed up the ending is and instead talk about signs? Waiting for signs? And Joey’s like didn’t you think me being here was your sign?


Then she walks away and turns around and is like, everyone will be okay, all of us.


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My thoughts exactly, Dawson.

She leaves, having done nothing in that conversation but say cryptic things in an effort to sound deep.

Jen, meanwhile, runs into Jack. He is bummed out and lights a cigarette, and she pulls his out of his mouth. They talk about Notting Hill. Jen likes the movie. Ah yes, the Notting Hill friendship test.

At the set, Dawson has a burst of inspiration, and tells Audrey to forget about chunks of the script and to be vulnerable. Then he whispers something in her ear, which surprises her. He then announces to the crew they’ll do the scene in just one shot.

Dawson sits in the director’s chair, giggling.

So, Charlie shows up with the gun, Audrey doesn’t let him get a word in, says some shit, then it starts to snow and they walk off into the distance. And this is Dawson’s happy ending. A woman is now still with a man who bought a gun with the intent to kill her, and she doesn’t know the danger she’s in.

After the shoot, Pacey and Audrey are walking home and Audrey is telling Pacey he’s not her type and then kisses him. They banter a bit and I can’t pay attention because I’m overwhelmed by how bad a match this is. They have nothing in common. This show just throws people together to see what sticks.

At a bus stop, Joey is walking by alone and bends over and picks up a perfectly formed snowball. Her hands were slightly off camera, but there’s no way she formed it herself in that microsecond. Then she pretends to be a baseball pitcher.

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I’ve never shown interest in any sport before right now.

She throws the ball awkwardly at a sign (Ooh, a SIGN. Get it?), hits it, says, “And the crowd goes wild!” and saunters off down the empty street. Geez, Boston sure is dead in the evening.

The end.

MVA: Pacey: I might be mildly culpable for her exasperation.

I’m Back.

Amazon Prime, y’all!

You know, one day I signed up for Amazon Prime as a 30-day trial thing. Then the fuckers just signed me up on their own and charged me a chunk of change and I was like buzuh? And then I sensibly did nothing about it because free shipping and why bother, etc.

Then one day Amazon Prime showed up on my Apple TV because that’s what happens when you pay for things. I’ve just rewatched Roseanne in its glory and (unlike some shows I could mention) it held up.

But! I had no idea it had Dawson’s Creek. So now I can now resume this recap-fest and hopefully I can finish before AmPri drops the show the way Netflix did those many moons ago.

I’d start now, but it’s nearly 2:00 a.m. Yeah, I like staying up late for no reason whatsoever. It’s when I do my best time wasting.

Stay tuned! And who knows? Maybe I can get Jen back onboard once I get to Jensen Ackles.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 13 – Something Wilder

Jen is leading Dawson through Gram’s house and she’s covering his eyes and walking behind him, which beats him wearing a blindfold because this way she can push him right into a doorframe.

She sits Dawson down and is like, “Surprise!” and because she doesn’t get how surprises work, there’s nothing in front of him. She hands out back to school items befitting an elementary school student: binder paper, pencils, sharpener, eraser and… an ET Trapper Keeper. I’ll remind you all the year is 2002. Laptops have become affordable and ET is 20 years old. Where in the hell did she even locate an ET Trapper Keeper? That looks like someone glued a picture of ET on a binder.

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The props department have really outdone themselves this time.

Jen is all condescending and shit about Dawson going to college, and he asks her when her radio show is and she looks at the clock like, oh… yeah, it’s soon! She’s been on the job all of five minutes. Get your act together and go to work.

They make a lunch date and start kissing like they don’t live together and see each other every single day and Jen doesn’t throw out his toothbrushes. As he leaves, she’s all cutsey, “Don’t forget your Trapper Keeper!” Seriously, making him take that shit with him. Then it’s, “Have a nice day, sweetheart!” in the tone of voice I use with my 4-year-old. As he leaves she whisper-giggles “So cute!” to herself. Fucking hell, lady, is infantilizing your boyfriend sexy? Gross.

Skipping Jann Arden. Why oh why can’t I at least have the original theme?

In Joey’s dorm room, Elliott is giving her shit for liking the professor’s trashy book because she finds him attractive and Joey’s rolling her eyes. Elliott asks her out in very awkward fashion. He’s good looking, but he’s got a pretty girl in glasses thing happening where we’re supposed to believe he’s not hot because of his dorky hair or outfit or something.

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I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you date me?

Joey accepts and Audrey walks in on them and makes everyone uncomfortable by demanding to know if everyone is naked while dramatically averting her eyes. She then zeroes in on Elliott and calls him out for using hair products and he promptly leaves ’cause Audrey is a dick and no one likes her. She’s seriously worse than Andie.

She then taunts Joey who threatens to bite her. Joey could say something about not being rude to her guests, but is friendly and leaves. Audrey lays down on Joey’s bed with her shoes on like some sort of animal.

At the frat house, Jen walks in and all we get is a view of her legs as we see boys turn their heads and whistle. Have these gentlemen never seen a woman before or…? Jen asks Jack what their damage is. Jack is like, they’re looking at you. Okay then.

She’s there to deliver mail (There’s certainly a lot of it) and points his attention to a letter from the school that has put him on academic probation. Because she reads his mail. Federal offence! Jack’s all BFD, I failed a few classes. Jen gives him shit but he’s not having it and she leaves.

We get a bunch of flashy shots of the school Dawson’s at, and he shows up wearing one of those sheepskin coats that were so popular back then. When he goes inside, some loud dude calls him out.

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Remember me? (Nope.)

It’s Oliver (apparently) and Dawson doesn’t look jazzed to see him. Oliver starts walking Dawson around talking about people loudly right in front of them and everybody obviously hates this guy. After he insults his third victim, Dawson’s all fuck this, I’ll introduce myself before you ruin my life.

At the radio station, Audrey is calling Jen asking inane questions about boys taking phone numbers and why is a booty call called a booty call? Jen tells her she doesn’t have to use her full name every time she calls. I bet she calls all the time. Pain in the ass.

But Jen doesn’t want to talk about her situation; she tells Audrey instead that she’s “lost the love” and starts talking about negative energy and while doing so is arranging tiny red bears and flowers around her work station like some hippy.

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You used to be cool, man. Where’s the love, man?

At the frat, Jack is looking for teammates for a game, but gets in shit from a senior brother for being on academic probation because freshman failing out makes the frat look bad. Dude suggests Jack study instead of play and Jacks all petulant, “I don’t see you studying!” Counter: “That’s because I’m not on academic probation.” Burn.

The look on Jack’s face, tho.

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Study?! How DARE you!

Legit looks confused here, and mad, like he just found a turd in his shoe: “But why? Who would do this? How could they?! I don’t get it!” Only his confusion is about why he should study and not fail his university classes. We all face our own battles, buddy.

During a film screening (Is this a class?) Oliver plops a screenplay as thick as Gone With The Wind on top of Dawson’s lap and says he wants him to direct it, so why he’s in film school I do not know. Then he compliments the ET Trapper Keeper and who knows if he’s sincere or not because he’s just that kind of guy.

At Joey’s school, Elliott leaps behind her, demanding to know her thoughts about Indian food for their date Friday. Joey thinks he’s weird, probably because he’s acting weird.  The professor shows up and tells them they’re late for his class when he is obviously also late. Elliott flees.

Prof thanks Joey for some work she did and says he’s taking her out Friday. She immediately accepts despite just confirming her date plans with Elliott. If this is written as forgetfulness, I just can’t.

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A jerk, or just bad writing? Could really go either way.

And immediately: she forgot. I’m gonna go back and count the seconds since Elliott brought up the Friday night date and this new Friday night offer.

Literally 50 seconds. The most organized person on the show with the best memory for holding grudges can’t remember this information for less than a minute. Seems legit.

Commercial break

At Grams’ house, Jen is washing the dishes and Dawson is staring at the script and it’s been a week. He’s read it, he likes it, has idea to improve it but doesn’t wanna direct it because it’s not his own work. The fact Oliver is a douche doesn’t seem to come into it. He says he doesn’t want to commit to a film right now, which considering he just started school is maybe wise.

But Jen don’t care none. She thinks he should do it. She leaves because her producer wants to talk to her. Maybe because she’s doing a shitty job. That’s why I’d want to talk to her.

Back at Joey’s dorm, Audrey has brought in Pacey to help with Joey’s two-date problem. So… it’s been a week. Has she been sitting on this problem all this time? And is her most recent ex-boyfriend who she lost her virginity to, and who effectively dumped her via public humiliation at prom really the best person to ask? Like… it happened half a year ago at best. He’d be dead to me.

Anyway, Audrey thinks the group outing with the professor could end up like a date with the two of them wrapped up together “like squid.” This woman is a vulgar mess. That is the nastiest way to describe anything. She says bedding the professor would be just fine. Pacey’s like, oh yeah, I’ve been there! Yes he has. But they think she should go out with Elliott because Joey doesn’t have any friends and doesn’t do anything.

Then Audrey drops a radioactive awkward bomb on the room and suggests Joey’s not ready for a boyfriend, which Elliott has the potential to be. Pacey backs the fuck up and starts jittering around in the background because he’s the elephant-sized ex in the room.

Joey says she is ready to be with someone new and Pacey rushes Audrey out the door.

At the frat, Jack’s arriving with an A grade on his quiz and his frat brother is happy and apologetic for being hard on him about his probation. And Jack’s a dick about it and isn’t quick to accept his apology. But his brother suggests a party and Jack gets this smug look on his face and is happy.

In Dawson’s class, people are looking at the ET Trapper Keeper and he’s like, “It was a gift.” He’s actually using the damn thing. Damn. Oliver approaches Dawson with a preliminary shooting schedule and Dawson says he’s can’t do it; it’s complicated. He does offer a note, though, and now Oliver wants more notes, and wants to do them over lunch. Dawson says he has lunch plans with Jen, but Oliver says “bring your notes,” and Dawson says okay. So, is Jen coming or is he cancelling? The suspense!

At the restaurant where Pacey still works even though he quit, Jen is in the kitchen, eating garnish and lamenting the fact her producer thinks she sucks. Now that she’s happy, she’s lost her edge. Pacey offers such gems as “everybody hates happy people,” and, “I like to get my advice from people more dysfunctional than I am so I can feel better about my life.”

She wants Pacey to make her mad, but she gets a phone call. It’s Dawson. She calls him her little pumpkin. Barf. Also? That’s what I call my son. Chick’s got parent issues. Buying her boyfriend childish school supplies, calling him little pumpkin.

At Joey’s dorm, she picks up the phone and there’s a knock at the door. It’s Elliott, wanting to know if they can meet at 7:00. Joey then starts to break their plans and– wait for it– says she’s coming down with something. And she looks and sounds perfectly fine and will be out in town all night and almost certainly will get busted and this is so cliche I’m fucking dead.

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Are you buying this shit?

Elliott doesn’t at all look like he believes her, but takes the explanation and walks away sadly. Joey lays down and feels bad because she’s a shitty TV trope.

Commercial break

Jen’s reading fashion magazines and porn looking for, I don’t know, something to make her angry or edgy and wouldn’t you know it, she’s not finding inspiration this way. Dawson comes home and she’s frustrated he’s made her so happy that she’s become boring and it’s hurting her show. But she’s wrong there. She’s not boring. She’s unbearable.

Dawson asks if Oliver can come to dinner and Jen is excited he might do the movie, but then confused about why he should join them when Dawson says he’s not doing the movie. In the end, Jen okays it and Oliver pops up like an intrusive ass, all “See? I told you it’d be fine!” And now I doubt that.

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Go to your corner, Oliver.

At the bar, Jack is drinking and his frat brother is being friendly but giving him some ribbing about his probation and that senior brother laying into him. Everyone knows because of course they do and Jack is pissy. He seems intent on getting drunk. Somehow he doesn’t understand he’s caused his own problems.

Outside the restaurant, dinner with the prof has ended early. It started at 6:00. So basically, she could have totally made a movie with Elliott. Prof offers to walk her to the dorms and she links arms with him, and that ain’t cool. On the walk back they’re talking about his work and he’s being falsely modest and she’s kissing his ass.

At dinner with Dawson, Oliver and Jen, the guys are discussing the script and Jen’s trying to get a word in ’cause she read it too and Oliver keeps cutting her off even though he’s the one intruding on their plans. Probably this irritation will make for fine radio in the morning.

Back to Joey and the prof, Joey references his wife as the inspiration for the girl in his book, and he’s like what wife? She tells him she recalls he said he had a wife and kid. He then– and this is something else– reveals he sometimes lies to people and says he has a family to get out of things he doesn’t want to do.

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The fuck you just say?

He calls this form of lying “making up characters”. Yes, just like those guys with girlfriends in Canada. They’re not pretend girlfriends; they’re characters. And Joey doesn’t seem to care as much as a normal person would about this, she wants to talk about this girl in his book. Seriously, Joey? Now she’s probing into personal shit, like did he love her? Why did they break up? This is your professor, lady. Boundaries. He says she was crazy. Beware the man who describes his exes that way. He says he was 21 and crazy was good, but now he wants something else. Joey asks what that is. He says coffee, then asks her for coffee, and this is soooo inappropriate and Joey fucking loves it.

Back to Jen and Dawson, Oliver can’t handle any more criticism and leaves in a huff. And Jen is sitting there gobsmacked.

Now the prof is asking Joey about her dating life. I hate this guy. And she wants to know what the point of dating is if you have to put so much effort into something that may not work out. And I’m thinking she must not enjoy sex, making memories or experiencing periods of joy and contentment because that is the stupidest fucking question ever. I mean, why go to an interview if you can’t guarantee the job? Or write a book if you can’t know it’ll get published? Why even have a pet if you’re going to outlive it?

Joey complains that the right guys never make her stomach go flip flop, and I’m thinking her problem is she equates anxiety with love because who the hell wants a flip flopping stomach all day? Sounds like a question for a therapist, Joey.

The prof asks who makes Joey’s stomach flip flop and she replies, “people who shouldn’t.” And they kiss. Saw that coming. They awkwardly break apart and agree to go separate ways back to their homes. She says goodnight and walks away extremely slowly.

At the bar in Pacey’s restaurant, a frat brother talks to Jack about his probation and Jack is grumpy. He thinks the brothers should not worry about how his grades affect the house. But they care a lot. They tell him not to get emotional and say he’s like a chick. Jack throws a chair and gets in the guy’s face. The brother says Jack was supposed to help clean up their image but is actually a disappointment. Jack socks him in the face.

A fight ensues and Pacey is holding Jack back, and Jack smashes a bunch of glasses and cuts his hand and the brothers leave.

Commercial break

Joey arrives back at the dorm to a gift basket with Vicks products and a homemade card outside her door.

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Well, I’ve been spelling Elliot’s name all wrong this whole time. But that’s IMDB’s fault. One T it is. She looks like she feels pretty shitty. I can’t stop imagining him getting out some magic markers and spending his Friday night drawing this card. Though the video’s a bit fuzzy. That could be construction paper. In which case she’d have no choice but to dump him because the line between cute and weird is a thin one in this boy’s case.

In Jen’s room, Dawson says he’s sorry for how he handled the night before. He then says he thinks he wants to direct the movie after all because even though Oliver is obnoxious, he has a unique voice, and he feels ready for a new challenge.

But Jen doesn’t want to listen to his life plans. She’s pissed because Dawson cancelled their lunch, invited Oliver to dinner which infringed on their personal time, and then allowed him to talk over her all night. She said a sex scene in his script was gratuitous and Oliver just wants to look at tits in the flesh and he should just go get a lap dance.

Dawson immediately apologizes and Jen realizes her ranting powers are back and forgives him.

At Joey’s dorm, Audrey is doing yoga (I never see her doing anything school-related ever) and Joey tells her she kissed the prof and dumped Elliot by returning his gift basket of remedies. That’s cold. (See what I did there? HUH? Swish.)

Joey says she pulled away from the kiss because she got scared, and then went on this weird thought train about her life following her here and she wants to be someone else and I don’t see what any of this has to do with why kissing your prof is bad pancakes.

Audrey gives her a sort of seize the day pep talk, but it sounds like a sleep with the professor pep talk, so fuck you, Audrey. Like, bonus points for the no judgement but literally encouraging this is ridiculous.

At the radio station, Jen is back to herself, but she’s eating Chinese food while dispensing advice and if I had to listen to chewing sounds over the radio, I’d be turning the station so fucking fast.

Screen Shot 2017-07-31 at 1.50.11 AM.png

Super professional, Jen. Nosh nosh nosh.

At Pacey’s work, Jack shows up with a cheque for the damages he caused. Pacey tells him he could’ve gotten fired. He then tries to talk to him as a friend, relating to him, wanting to talk about how things have been going, bringing up the deteriorating grades and behaviour. Jack cuts him off, “What do you want from me?!” And Pacey’s like, well, you’re flunking, drinking and fighting with guys who left you bleeding in a bar. Jack says he has to go.

Dawson meets with Oliver and admits he’s excited about the script and they talk and Oliver shows some emotional complexity, which is out of nowhere. Dawson agrees to direct the movie and Oliver says he want to play the lead and who knows how that’ll play out. Probably horribly.

The end.

Hopefully another year won’t pass before I do another one.

I’m gonna give this another go…

I think I have a grip on the episodes again. I played the next episode just enough to know that it’s still that damn Jann Arden theme song. It’s also a far cry from HD but that’s a me problem, not a you problem.

So, if any of you are still out there, I’m going to try again. Hopefully tomorrow now. After Game of Thrones.

I really do want to finish this thing. Its unfinished state is a flea in my ear.

Wish me luck!




Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 12 – Sleeping Arrangements

It’s Jenn. I’ve got a tenuous grip on some episodes. We’ll see how this goes.

Pacey’s on his boat and some blonde I can’t remember approaches him. Thankfully, Pacey says her full name so the audience doesn’t have to think too hard. This is Melanie. She’s all impressed he’s got a job. She says it shatters her understanding of the natural order of the universe. He must find her super hot, ’cause that’s a mad burn and he’s still smiling.

Screen Shot 2016-04-02 at 7.23.25 PM

You may know me from such TV shows as How I Met Your Mother, Once Upon a Time or my episode of Touched By an Angel.

So Melanie has come to tell him that boat he’s living on got sold, and dude who owned it has bought a bigger boat and wants Pacey to sail around the Greek islands with him. Which is much more specific than “Paradise” which is where they went last time. Also it seems this business arrangement might be better organized through a direct phone call, but what do I know about the doings of eccentric millionaires?

Pacey doesn’t seem mega jazzed about this offer and Melanie heads out.

And just so you know, this episode is playing with the Jann Arden theme. I’m pretty disappointed.

At Grams’ house, Jen is getting ready and Dawson is trying to make plans with her, unsuccessfully, while learning that Jen actually wears a lot of makeup, which he never noticed before. Also, he learns that Jen thought his toothbrush was “old” and used it to separate her eyelashes. Yes. She thought the toothbrush that belongs to her boyfriend who recently moved in was “old” and used this “old” and therefore germy-ass brush on her eyes. That’s gross, and a stye waiting to happen.

He then wants to use hers and she’s like, ew, no, that’s my toothbrush. Dawson points out they’ve been sleeping together for three weeks, but no dice, even if she did just ruin his toothbrush. He then pokes through a drawer looking for dental supplies and Jen wigs out, all no, that’s my drawer. I have a child who’s turning 3 tomorrow and I don’t mind saying I’m drawing some behavioural parallels here. Dawson leaves the bathroom looking way less annoyed than I’d be.

Joey’s in a class and the prof wants to talk to her. Some moody-looking blonde guy seems a little fixated. And turns out prof wants to introduce blondie, Elliott, to Joey. Why? No reason. Just to point out that Elliott was checking her out. Inappropriate, much? Boundaries, buddy.

Screen Shot 2016-04-02 at 7.42.35 PM

I need an adult.

Elliott tries to make chit chat and points out they’ve met, and joey gives her classic brush off and leaves. Dude, figuring he’s got nothing to lose at this point, chases after her and offers to walk and get coffee, but no dice. Joey’s Joey and there’s no point.

At the radio station, Jen’s attempting to sound cool on the air and blows it. So she takes a request which winds up being some chick who doesn’t understand how music radio shows work and wants Jen’s advice on her love life for some reason. Who is screening these calls?

The caller says he boyfriend ejaculates too early. Seriously, someone called into a rock radio station and asked this on the air. Who wrote this shit? Jen decides to offer her expertise, though we don’t get to hear what her answer is.

Now Dawson is helping Jack move into the frat house. The room he’s getting is huge and has its own bathroom. He wants to know how he got so lucky and the guy who’s giving the room up says it’s a lottery, luck of the draw thing. Probably that’s not at all accurate.

Buddy’s new roommate helps him move stuff into their new shared room and Jack’s wondering why those two guys are sharing while he gets the big room all to himself.

Audrey’s at work at the restaurant and is applying lipstick while viewing herself in a spoon. Any time anyone has worked in food service on this show, they have completely fucked it up.

Screen Shot 2016-04-02 at 7.57.53 PM

Wait tables? What is this devilry?

And somehow she’s not fired immediately, even after she tells the chef the salmon is gross, says “sucks to be you” and calls him old. Chef Ramsay would have eaten her by now.

The Chef then wants to promote(?) Pacey to breadmaker because their old breadmaker is back in jail(?) and tells him he doesn’t know what he’d do without him, making Pacey’s decision over whether to sail the Greek islands that much harder.

Audrey then comes back to shoot the shit with Pacey rather than work the crowded restaurant. He’s not interested in chit chat.

At Grams’ house, Grams playing Jack’s video game that he left behind, which tickles me to death and brings back fond memories of my mom stealing my Gameboy and draining the batteries to play Dr. Mario when I was a teenager.

Screen Shot 2016-04-02 at 8.04.36 PM

The devil made me do it.

She puts the game down to talk to Dawson about his registration to some film group and he says he didn’t fit in with them. He then tells Grams he knows it must be weird seeing him dating Jen. Grams says she’s come a long way thanks to Jen’s help, and for example she can now say the word “penis.” Might I remind everyone that Grams used to be a nurse? What did she call the penis when she was on the job?

Screen Shot 2016-04-02 at 11.37.04 PM

“Hey Homer, I can see your doodle!”

Dawson says he’ll live by whatever ground rules Grams wants to set, but she says they both know no one can make an honest woman out of Jen, so just be nice to her. Dawson remembers Jen’s on the radio now so he turns on the station and looks like Jen’s music program has become the love advice show. And she gives shitty advice.

So this girl wants to know why her boyfriend of three months is pulling away. Jen says it’s because the honeymoon period is over and men leave, and frequent sex can delay it for awhile, but not indefinitely. You should see Grams’ face for that one.

Screen Shot 2016-04-02 at 8.13.25 PM

Oh hell no.

Jen also advises keeping things to yourself and calls men disasters. I think she’s going to get canned from her job. But then again, this is Dawson’s Creek where up is down, so maybe she’ll get her own show.

Dawson seems perturbed and Grams tries to play it down so as not to lose the only nice boyfriend she’s ever seen her granddaughter date.

Joey’s in the book store and that pretentious professor is there, admitting he’s assigned reading material from his own book and talking about boys flirting with her. This guy is a creep, and Joey loves it because she’s fucking Joey.

Prof humblebrags about how he wrote the book when he was 20 and calls the themes incestuous.

At the restaurant, Pacey’s hanging out in the dining room, all unprofessional-like and Audrey wants to know what’s bothering him. He reveals his job offer. She tells him to stay or go, whatever, and is of no real help.

Back at the frat house, Jack wants to know why buddy gave up his room. Turns out the freshman he was supposed to share with got uncomfortable with sharing the room with a gay guy, left it too late to say anything and now is boarding with buddy, who’s a senior. Jack’s hurt, but I’m thinking the guys all still like him and, hey, sweet-ass big room all to himself. It’s not like he got a bum deal.

Back at the restaurant, Pacey is talking to Chef and trying to quit and Chef’s like, hey, you’re not trying to quit, are you? This always happens on TV. Pacey quits, giving three days notice, and dude takes it pretty well considering he’s only just recently lost another employee due to criminal charges. Chef looks a little like Paul Rudd. But it’s not Paul Rudd. I wish it was.

Audrey saunters into the kitchen to count tips she probably doesn’t deserve and thinks Pacey’s feeling bummed that his boss let him go so easily, and points out he has a life in town now. You’d think she’d have offered this viewpoint prior to him quitting if that’s what she thought.

Audrey then starts flirting with him only to turn around and call him boring. Audrey is such a pain in the ass. No redeeming features. Thinking on it, I think she’s why I quit watching back in the day.

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You want me so bad, and you’re boring as shit.

Audrey reverse throws herself at him, claiming out of nowhere he’d sleep with her, and he calls her bawdy. She says he makes her feel like Bette Midler and I’m cringing from the shitty dialogue.

Melanie shows up, Audrey parts with some awful attempts at wit and Pacey’s out the door too, despite the fact he didn’t seem to have finished cleaning the kitchen. But fuck it, right? He quit!

Jen walks up to the house, and Dawson is waiting outside for her, which is weird when he could have just waited inside sitting on something comfortable. She surmises he heard the broadcast. OH and who called it? Up is down and night is day because Jen got her own radio show to dispense her shitty cynical advice that’ll ruin young relationships all over Boston.

She now wants to know what Dawson has to say, and seems worked up for bad news. But he just wants to go out. She bristles and is all, well, I already told you I’m busy! This chick thinks men leave and doesn’t consider it’s because she pushes them away. It’s maddening. Joey does the same stupid shit. Kevin Williamson is a bitter old tit.

Dawson tells her he’s going to the movies and then he will come home, and she’s free to join him, or she’s free to keep testing him, but he’s a steady guy who doesn’t cheat or leave. Honestly, I’d leave her, though. This shit she pulls got old seasons ago and ain’t nobody got time for that.

At the frat house, Jack confronts the guy who didn’t want to room with him. He calls him out and the guy’s like, I didn’t want people to think I was gay. They get nothing accomplished and Jack leaves the room.

Audrey arrives back at her dorm, complains loudly about waitressing, kicks her shoe off, which hits things on a dresser. Then she crawls into Joey’s bed, despite Joey not really wanting her there. Joey tells her about how she got asked out and said no. Turns out she thought Audrey slept with the guy, but nope, so she turned down handsome brooding Elliott for no good reason.

Pacey takes Melanie back to the boat and they reminisce over their last boating escapade. I’m gonna level with you all. This scene is boring as shit and I’m sort of glazing over it. They make out.

In the morning they’re getting dressed and Melanie’s giving herself the bum’s rush. Personal pet peeve: Her hair and makeup still look perfect. Fall asleep with that much eye shadow on and you’re going to look like a vagrant in the morning, just saying.

At Grams’ house, Jen has replaced Dawson’s toothbrush but has some requests about how he can be less gross to live with. She offers a convoluted BS reason for wearing makeup too: because when she was a little girl she learned to hide herself and cover up for protection. Oh fuck off, you wear it because it makes you feel pretty and maybe not wearing it make you feel not pretty and you want to leave the house looking pretty, like we all do. Not everything has a deep dark reason. 

Joey goes to Elliott’s room and rather than saying, “Hey, so I didn’t want to go to coffee because I thought you slept with my roommate and I figured it’d be too weird,” she launches into this overly verbose web of complete nonsense and mystery without touching on anything of actual importance. He then says, “I didn’t sleep with your roommate.” Him, I like him. Cutting through the bullshit.

She asks him to coffee and he fakes rejecting her before agreeing. She gives him this shitty smile. Seriously, it’s awful.

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What the fuck is this?

At the frat house, Jack drops his keys in front of the senior guy, all dramatic like, and says he shouldn’t live there. He then leaves without any of his stuff, so is he really leaving? The freshman, I think his name’s Eric, chases after him and offers to be his roommate. Jack says he needs to think about it.

At the boat, Pacey is packing and Audrey shows up wearing an ugly hat and wants him to come outside. Oh look, it’s Joey, Jack, Jen and Dawson there to say goodbye. And that’s odd in its own way because this group has been sort of growing apart. They present him with something that looks boat-ish and turns out he’s not going anywhere after all.

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Not a good year for hat fashion.

So, he’s quit his job and has nowhere to live. Sounds like a plan!

The end.

So, just for the record, getting this episode to play was a real pain in the ass and I’m not sure how frequently I can keep this up. Effing Netflix and their fickle catalogue. So! Keep harassing us in the comments to do more and I’ll make it more of a priority, despite the pain-in-the-assery, and maybe even Jen (who lost patience with this show a long time ago) will come back to complain about it once again. Plus there’s still Jensen to come. 



Jenn: So… our one and only way to review this show is gone:


Like WTF…

We were so close! 1.5 seasons to go! It was a two-year commitment! I feel robbed.

Jen: We were within a dozen episodes of C.J…

Not like this Netflix… Not like this. Why now?

Netflix may keep us apart... But I'll never stop loving you

Netflix may keep us apart…
But I’ll never stop loving you

Anyway, here is a link that I was going to share when I thought we still had a blog: http://www.buzzfeed.com/alannabennett/he-leased-her-a-wall#.eqQXLz0oAL

Jenn: Omg… The Pacey/Joey plot line. And last we saw, he had buggered off to “paradise” on the boat, dropped Joey flat and then somehow within months they became pals with no romantic resentments. And that’s where we end. IT’S NOT RIGHT! (And like so much else, it doesn’t make sense!)

Where and how do we get our Dawson’s Creek now? I mean, without actually having to buy it? (Because let’s be serious, we’re not doing that).

So we’re, like, on hiatus.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 11 – Something Wild

Joey is back at Bess’ house languishing during break. Bess tries to force Joey to go out, and at this exact moment Pacey shows up and offers to drive her back to Boston. Joey grabs her purse and takes off. Apparently she packed nothing for Spring(?) break.

Jen and Dawson drive past Joey and Pacey as they exchange shifts in Capeside. He’s driving her to his house, and this is a first for both of them. Jen is trying to get Dawson to enrol in community college.

Joey talks to Pacey about Dawson ending up with Jen and he tells her to get over it already, making me unsure of how much time we are supposed to think has gone by. Then they talk about her working as a waitress and her grades.

Dawson parks in the middle of his lawn as usual (Where are the bylaws officers in Capeside?)

parking lawn

parking lawn

Mama Dawson is all cool with the Jawson, even though her son’s shirt is on inside out.

Audrey is unexpectedly still on campus. And she needs a job…which Pacey has already mentioned. Convenient. Danny hires her without a glance at her resume because she can put Pacey in his place (surely the cut-out top didn’t hurt either).



The teens offer mama Dawson some sage and unsolicited parenting advice, and then Dawson takes the phone from her when she is discussing a problem at the restaurant because she is incapable of adulting.

Back at school, Joey checks her grades. And is shocked by a series of As. Apparently in the U.S. they don’t update you on your progress throughout the term, because she had no clue. I am also struck by the archaic notion of finding your grades posted on a wall instead of a website. She runs into her Eng lit prof who has the last of her As for her. So she hugs him. Forever.

super appropriate

super appropriate

Pacey gets a promotion to chef, and a 20% raise. AND an envelope full of “c-notes” as a holiday bonus.

Audrey and Joey are out partying. They are scamming on a guy in the band who turns out to be CHARLIE the cheating dandelion. Pacey shows up also. And while they say hello somehow Audrey negotiates her way on stage to sing with the band.

Jen and Mama Dawson install a baby gate, and mama isn’t happy about Jen being all up on his lap. But they unite over wanting Dawson to make something of himself.

Charlie tries to pick up Joey and he sells her a bunch of lines. She flirts back through clenched teeth pretending she doesn’t know who he is. Then dropping the JEN bomb.



Jawson bicker on the porch because he doesn’t think someone in her position can give him any advice on his relationship with mama.

Charlie tries to pick up Joey some more by psychoanalyzing her.

Mama Dawson encourages her son to re-leave the nest so he can shack off with Jen.

Audrey wipes the pool table with Pacey and they realize Joey is missing (with the $100 bill he just gave her to get them all drinks). Now she is up singing with the band, and somehow managing to be as nerdy as possible while belting out Cheap Trick.

still a nerdy girl

still a nerdy girl

AND THEN she sucks face with Charlie, so apparently calling her uptight worked.

Jen is waiting for Dawson in his room wearing some very fancy pjs. They make up, probably on account of the sexy attire.

pj party

pj party

Audrey lures Pacey out of the club so Joey will be forced to leave with Charlie.

Jen and Dawson hang out in the buff beside a fireplace and the light of 80 million candles.

Pacey drops Audrey off, and he calls her on not having gone home. Then Audrey kisses him (because of the pact they made to kiss someone).

Charlie tries to take Joey home and she threatens him so he won’t tell anyone what happened and he drives off.

The end.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 10 – Appetite For Destruction

Jack, Audrey, Joey and Pacey are at Grams’ house and Pacey’s making dinner and Audrey’s being annoying and useless. Joey asks Jack where Dawson and Jen are, and he replies a lie they told about soaking up the atmosphere.

But actually now they’re just outside and Dawson is zipping up something on his Jeep. He has a Jeep? He’s, like, 19 and barely even a student. Fuck him and his Jeep.

Outside the house, Jen is worrying a bit about how to tell people about their new relationship thing, and Dawson is all high on the newfound wonders of sex so he gives no shits. He’s like, meh to other people, let’s just enjoy what we’re doing.

But whatever, they come inside and kiss and everyone pops out to get a peek.

We like to watch.

We like to watch.

Pacey and Jack look pretty jazzed for Dawson, as the menfolk are wont to be when they see a virgin pal of theirs finally get some. But let me guess… Joey’s not going to like it!


Everyone’s awkwardly and silently eating their dinner, complete with candlelight. As mentioned, the dudes were fine with this and Audrey has no social graces, so everyone must be on eggshells for fucking Joey.

They make uncomfortable small talk and then Audrey smashes risotto on her shirt on purpose and drags Joey away from the table to “help” her with it.

In the bathroom, Joey brushes off the kiss she saw as no big deal like, oh, they had a fun weekend, who cares? And Audrey’s like, nononono, they’re totally doing it. And now Joey looks upset, bu insists she has no reaction about it.

Jen then excuses herself from the table and is sticking to the rice pretence. She knocks on the bathroom door and offers Audrey a spare shirt and she accepts and leaves Joey in there.

Back at the dinner table, Pacey takes the wordy lead and attempts to extract info out of Dawson about his weekend with Jen, and in a roundabout way inquires about the sex. Joey comes out of the bathroom and walks off. Dawson says he’s not talking about it and follows Joey.

When he’s gone, Jack’s like, he totally did it. Pacey’s not sure because it’s Dawson they’re talking about, but Jack’s sure because he knows Jen. Then they mention they’ve both nearly slept with Jen and Pacey’s like, what does it take then? Jack says, a virgin straight guy.

In the kitchen, Dawson is giving Joey the Reader’s Digest version of how things happened with Jen, what with the honeymoon suite, and that there’s no graceful way to have this conversation. Joey’s all, what conversation? It was just a kiss.

Uh, honeymoon suite?

Yeah, so someone else actually wanted to sleep with me? So...

Yeah, so someone else actually wanted to sleep with me? So…

Joey then realizes Dawson lost his virginity to Jen rather than hang onto it indefinitely for her, and she’s like, let’s not make this a thing. Then she leaves the kitchen and it’s totally going to be a thing.

At the table, Pacey announces there’s more courses to come and insists they be eaten. He gets up to get them, Joey offers help, which is declined, which is forced on him anyway, and Audrey and Jack jump up to run into the kitchen too.

Dawson and Jen talk about how everyone knows and they have a little intimate moment that Audrey witnesses through a crack in the door and makes a face. Well, quit watching! Heck.

They all then talk loudly in the kitchen in a way Dawson and Jen would totally be able to hear, and try again to leave the dinner. Audrey mocks Pacey’s roast chicken in the oven and Joey wants him to take it out early to get the dinner over with faster, and then Jack agrees and Pacey actually agrees to this like no chef ever fucking would. And that shit would not fly with the hipsters of today. Serve improperly cooked chicken? Rather than muscle through some awkwardness in a quaint century home with vintage china and a properly and deliciously cooked lemon chicken? Pfft, fucking amateurs.

Joey comes out of the kitchen and Dawson gets up to go into it. Jen tells Joey she didn’t plan this romance. Joey tells Jen she’s a good person and this is exactly what Dawson needs– right now. Yeah, that little bit at the end sorta adds some snotty subtext, if you ask me.

At the table, Pacey’s getting some grief about the chicken not being done. Fucking hell… THIS IS WHAT YOU ASKED FOR.

Uh, the undercooked chicken I asked for is too undercooked!

Uh, the undercooked chicken I asked for is too undercooked!

Oh, and get a load of the dish:

Why couldn't you wait?!

Why couldn’t you wait?!

These are the most ungrateful friends, like, ever. Push a guy to ruin his entree and then complain about the entree, which would’ve been amazing had they not been such dicks.

Dawson reveals he’s learned about a film school in Boston that he’s now checking out. Jack suggests he move into Grams’ (With Jen!) and everyone snickers and Dawson says it’s a possibility and Audrey then flips more food on her shirt to drag Joey away again. This girl is off her gourd.

In the kitchen, Joey’s like quit throwing food on yourself and dragging me away. Audrey wants her to spill her guts and Joey says if her heart was broken by this she’d have no right to feel that way. Which actually I agree. She jerked him around for years and now he’s finally with someone else.

The doorbell rings and Jen answers it. And it’s Charlie making puppy dog eyes.

Everyone minus Jen and Charlie are sitting down to dinner for the salad course, and Jack’s talking smack about Charlie. Dawson gets up to see what the hold-up is, and perhaps to protect his turf.

Pacey tries to stop him, again with wordy reasons that make lots of sense but which no 19-year-old boy would ever say (About appearing needy and sizing up the competition), and Dawson is not persuaded. He pops his head out and Jen says she’ll be back in one minute.

Charlie gives her back a T-shirt and says he and Nora aren’t together now. Wow, a romance option to be second choice! Buddy, you’re not that good looking. Jen’s like, nope, I gots a Dawson. Charlie leaves and Jen returns to the table.

Now Joey is a little bothered by some subtle PDA and goes for more salad in the kitchen so now Dawson gets up again and follows her. Shit, just get through this dinner already. Everyone’s getting up and down instead of eating this fancy homecooked meal.

Now Jack wants to change the music so he asks Jen to get up. Ugh! they go to the CD player (Hee!) and he starts giving her guff about the timing of this new relationship like it’s any of his business. Then the conversation shifts to the deteriorating quality of their relationship. Jen says he even used to know how she liked her coffee and now they’re distant. I blame the frat shit.

At the table, only Pacey and Audrey remain and I gotta say he’s pretty zen about the major disrespect his friends are paying him with bailing on this dinner even though they’re all still in the house.

In the kitchen, Joey is not getting more salad, she’s washing a dish over and over. Dawson tells her she doesn’t have to pretend to be fine if she’s not fine. And then she asks if he misses her, and there’s this distance and, lady, you tried to break up with him via voicemail message.

He tries to explain that basically his feelings changed after his dad died (I’m thinking he just no longer had any energy for her hot/cold come here/go away shit?) and that going away with Jen felt great, like starting over.

Joey’s like, you couldn’t start over with me? And he tells her being around her hurts now because there’s too much associated with her. (Plus she’s a dick).

It’s finally dessert and Pacey’s serving up a wicked good-looking chocolate cake. Joey asks if there’s “expresso” in the centre. They start talking about how far apart they’ve grown. Jack takes the opportunity to pour cream in Jen’s coffee. Then they talk about how lucky they are to still all know each other after high school.

Then Grams shows up, looking pleased her lace tablecloth is being used for a dinner party. Audrey, who’s been complaining about a lack of a Grams all night, finally gets to meet her.

Before Grams goes to bed with a slice of chocolate cake, she tells Dawson it’s too late for him to go home so he’ll spend the night with them. Oooohhhwoooooo!

And just like that, the dinner party breaks up. Joey, Audrey and Jack leave the party and the clean-up. Pacey, who cooked all day on his day off when it’s not even his house, starts the cleaning.

In the kitchen, Jen wants to know if Pacey has any commentary about her relationship and, no, he just wants her to be happy. Jen then tells him not to clean up because she and Dawson will do it.

Outside, Pacey catches up with the three and Audrey drags Jack off to go to a gay bar.

Pacey and Joey talk about finding themselves, or something, and Joey admits she was happy someone else would take care of Dawson for awhile, but that she didn’t like feeling replaced.

And there it is. That ain’t love. It’s something, sure, but not love.

Jen shows Dawson an attic room. This massive house that Jack isn’t even living in anymore and he gets the attic?

They talk and snuggle on the twin bed. Probably no sex at Grams’ house.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 9 – “Four Scary Stories” Or, if you prefer, TREEHOUSE OF HORROR GOT NUTTIN ON ME

Full moon alert. Joey, Pacey, and Jack are returning from a scary movie, and ripping it to shreds. Pacey calls Joey a skittish kitten which is cute-ish. This has all the makings of a halloween special…except I looked it up and it originally aired in…December. Nonetheless, Joey goes for food, and follows noises and a basketball goes flying down the stairs and then she is locked out. Don’t fret. Just a prank.


As the gang eats all of Grams’ food, Joey starts to tell them a scary story to prove she isn’t a fraidy cat:

Joey is explaining to roomie why she has to study on halloween (she can’t get her course reserve any. other. time.) Audrey is dressed as pre-pigs blood Carrie (Blood is like all red and sticky. Totally gross).

not so scary carrie

not so scary carrie

At the library Audrey decides to get creeped out by some guy eating peanuts at a desk. That’s how you know this show is 15 years old…we could consume nuts in public without fear of killing everyone. All the nerds at the library hate Audrey because she’s obviously got a social life. So she leaves. The hours go by until it is just Joey, peanut guy and a massive pile of shells (they were getting annoyed with Audrey for talking, and yet this guy is making a racket and a mess).

deez nuts

deez nuts

Peanut dude makes some comment about how Joey shouldn’t be out after dark alone. She goes to the stacks, where Peanut guy whispers to Joey to come there and she runs, which pretty much guarantees that he is looking out for her well-being. Naturally, the other book she needs is in “Special editions” in the basement (dun dun dun). Turns out library guy is the bad guy and peanut guy is a cop trying to protect her. She kicks the shit out of the bad guy…including throwing a card catalogue at him (Watching this show makes me feel 100 years old). Joey and Peanut cop gloat over how her kickboxing class paid off.

Jack says he has a better story and it is uncharacteristically about his fraternity. Jack and his bruhs (is that what they are called?) are hanging listening to the radio and drinking jack out of a flask. They are also looking at old stuff…Someone’s Dad’s old yearbook or something, and tell a story about a dude that killed everyone. Jack gets all fucked up because he mixed cold medicine with one drop of booze. The bathroom is gross as hell and to top it off some shadowy thing runs by (which makes me think of supernatural, which makes me think of Jensen Ackles, which makes me think of WHERE ARE YOU DEAN? I was promised you were on this show.)

Wait, what did I miss…Jack is on the stairs. Noises can be heard, but no one answers when he calls out “You there”. He approaches a door that is making rattling noises. One of his friends…(or some random?) is bound and gagged in the closet. Oh wait, this guy is a legacy…perhaps the offspring of that killer dead guy or something? Dude confesses he’s gay and they bond over liking the dick and stuff. Oh wait, it WAS the guy who killed everyone, Jack sees him on the pic, and poof he is gone.

wait i just pulled him out of the closet

wait i just pulled him out of the closet

Pacey is up next. They tease Pacey about URBAN LEGENDS and he says he has experienced them, and they talk about his double life. HOW META.

Pacey is driving that waitress home who is riding him for his boy-crush. Pacey flashes his lights and she spouts an urban legend that I swear they mentioned on the film. After nearly being run off the road they come into a diner and everyone is staring at them. Shit..maybe I watched this episode of Dawson’s thinking it was Urban legends because this is incredibly familiar. The car that tried to kill them is in the parking lot, and Pacey screams at everyone. Now the car is in front of them on the road. Car chase, then waitress gets a bat out of the trunk, and they approach the car. Pacey opens the door ANDDDD there’s no one there.

Back in Grams’ living room they have lit every candle Grams’ owns. What a foolish waste. She comes home and when she finds they are telling ghost stories she has one for them.

Grams tells Jen’s story—her first night at the radio station, alone in the booth. A branch is tapping on the window. Jen goes out to investigate and gets locked out, and she drops her id badge trying to use it to jimmy the lock. Something whispers “Jennifer” at her from the darkness. It falls down. It is just a mannequin. Suddenly she is able to open the door, and her id is on her desk, not where she dropped it earlier. Something/someone smashes through the glass. The end.

Everyone pisses their pants and Grams skips merrily away.

take that you little shits...and quit wasting my candles

take that you little shits…and quit wasting my candles