Who in Christ’s straw hut are these bronzed creatures? Did I miss a subplot where the gang goes on a trip to a tropical island, or like the centre of the earth?
All sudden sun worshipping aside, Joey and Dawson are watching tv in bed, this time its From Here To Eternity. When they lock lips on screen, Dawson declares that this is how it will be for him and Jen. Joey can’t believe she is friends with this dickless wonder, and tells Dawson to put up or shut up. As Dawson acts like a girl who is going to start frenching his pillow Joey disses beach kissing and it’s potential for sand in her crotch. She delivers the zinger “Clap hard, Dawson, you may be Tinkerbell’s last hope”
Post credits opens on “First Time” by Billie Myers and scenes of Capeside so we don’t forget that these people LIVE ON THE BEACH.
We return to Capeside high, where Dawson is disrupting the film class he promised to keep his trap shut for. They are discussing the much loathed, ”Helmets of Glory”. Dawson keeps trying to stick his nose up the film’s ass, while Nelly abuses him and asks the teacher to shut him up. That’s right kids, welcome to before “bullying” was a thing.
Pacey meets with Miss Jacobs and in true class clown form, he’s bright, but academically challenged. She tells him all the teachers get together to bitch about how he is failing everything. He says he’s no dum-dum, and thinks a private tutor would help, “It’s a focus issue, I need a slave driver, somebody with a whip maybe?” Tamara agrees, and will see him at 6.
At the icehouse, pregnant Bess complains about being pregnant to Joey and Bodie, except Bodie looks nothing like his previous self. I guess the producers figured that their target market wouldn’t notice if they swapped out the black guy.
Bodie then supports his knocked up girlfriend by declaring that she looks like a BEACHED WHALE (aha! Now we know what happened to Bodie the first—murder).
Dawson is depressed that he can further weasel his way into film class only by saving the Helmets of Glory shoot taking place that weekend. And this seriously cramps his plans to get in Jen’s pants at the same time. Joey wonders if they can ever have a conversation that isn’t centered around “wonderbra” and asks whatever happened to Dawson’s own movie.
Pacey realizes his buddy is one sly dog when Dawson shares his plans to take Jen to the ruins (or is it the bluffs? Whatever, one of those hip-Hollywood sounding locations) to film the final scene of the movie AND THEN SOME.
Joey is waitressing, which in her case means insulting her friends each time they open their mouths (Pacey, you say you have a date, who is the lucky farm animal?). Pacey orders oysters to go in case his teenage wang isn’t enough to get Ms. Jacobs in the mood.
Everyone know something is amiss when Joey stops lobbing insults, and they figure out she is breaking her neck, staring at some dude. Pacey makes a scene, and yells to him that Joey would like to bang, and then I’m pretty sure she calls him a butt plug (which is the only insult I’m using from now on). Then Pacey is like: Just kidding, Joey, no one will ever love you because you are poor.
At the Helmets of Glory shoot, Dawson screws around with a row of football helmets that make for a very nice pan. He is watching people mill about in football gear, and in the ultimate fantasy, Jen shows up in a cheerleader outfit. Rather than be psyched, Dawson gets jealous of Jen’s indiscriminate movie stardom.
Tamara trips Pacey up by asking him about a scene that never happened in the book he’s pretending to read. Glad to see all those years at teacher’s college are put to good use. She says she probably never would have dated him in high school even though she sounds like she was in no position to be so choosy. She gives him a quiz and says if he aces it he can get some positive reinforcement. Yowza.
Joey is doing work stuff until she follows the sound of some lovely violin music and finds the guy she drooled over at the ice house. He says “No applause, just send money” (what do you mean “send”? She’s right there.) and she gets her panties in a bunch and spins on her heel. He says “I’m Anderson” and she snarls, “Congratulations”. She throws all sorts of shade, as he tries to break down that rough, rough, Joey Potter exterior.
Apparently he pushes the right buttons, because she suddenly switches to pathological and pretends like she is not some mere waitress, and spouts all this rich bitch nonsense. She calls him “Gap ad” (to his face). And she gives herself a new name: Deborah Carson
Get it, because she’s suddenly relating to sandy snatch Deborah Kerr from the beach scene in the beginning?
Pacey is getting quizzed by teach and acing it. Apparently he can learn with the right incentive, until Tamara asks him a question that requires some thinking and we can see he is gonna tank it.
Back to Nelly letting Dawson know who is boss. We find out she is pissed because she worked on Helmets of Glory all summer and he keeps dogging it.
Turns out Pacey nailed his TILF pop quiz. He swoops in to collect his reward, but Tamara calls his bluff and gets weirdly aggressive, and he gets squeaky and uncomfortable. It gets real awkward when she viciously taunts him with “What, is it your first time?” and he hangs his head and sadly says, “You know that it is.” She sends him home and tells him to find a girl his age instead of a mental older woman.
We find out Anderson knows some rich folk named Carson from Palm Beach. She says her people stick to Manhattan, and talks about how much she likes boarding school, and the life of privilege, which Anderson counters with, yeah except they ripped me off my mother’s teats at the tender age of 12.
They go boating. Cue the frolicking sailing montage set to “The Right Place” – Eddi Reader
Anderson says he figures Joey must have a boyfriend because she has a don’t touch vibe (Nope, just an angsty teen attitude). The conversation conveniently goes on so he can say that more than anything, he hates lying bitches.
Nelly continues to lord over “Doggie Dawson” and shut down any advice he has for her. Dawson flirts with Jen.
Joey and Anderson trade weird conspiracy theories, and then they are rolling on the sand together. She ups her game and says her Dad is the head of a big tampon company. He goes in for the kiss, just like the movie, but she pulls the “oh me, oh my, look at the time, I gotta get home.” Also, she randomly throws in a, “I’m not Cinderella, not even close.“ which Anderson takes in stride.
Pacey shows up in a wheelchair (his only explanation is “just keeping it warm”) and Dawson tries to help again and Nelly yells, but then jock dude Cliff Elliot makes her shut it and take his advice. Dawson uses the wheelchair to save the scene and the day.
Dawson brings Jen on their date to the Icehouse, presumably to further rub his balls in Joey’s face. Joey takes their orders and is actually pleasant, causing Jen and Dawson to look around for the other the signs of the apocalypse.
Bess whines that Joey was late and Joey don’t give no shits because she is too worried that Richie Rich will realize she’s a waitress. Anderson shows up pretty much right on cue (who saw that coming?). Anderson comes over and calls her Deborah, and clueless douche that he is, Dawson busts her immediately. Jen is like, oh fuck no, asshole, and covers Joey’s lies.
Dawson can’t leave it alone, and when Joey claims she can’t hang with Anderson because she is busy playing scrabble with her fake family in their fake boat that night Dawson points out that “Charade” is a good seven letter word (know what, Dawson? so is fuckwad). Both Jen and Joey deliver a kick under the counter for that one. Bess also wants to make sure she is the only Potter blessed with procreation and screams “Joey” in her face to screw up her game. Finally, Bodie comes out to stop the madness and hands over the damn sandwiches that Joey refuses to acknowledge.
Back at school, Pacey is watching Tamara through some blinds, and she flirting with a man her own age. He’s back in the wheelchair for some reason. They squabble and this whole scenario is already getting old.
Dawson finally gets Jen up to the ruins with the caveat that since they are trespassing, she’d best be prepared to run like hell at the drop of a dime. It’s real romantic with a buncha geese and a big fountain. Dawson brings his A-game and hangs a bunch of gauzy curtains and lights a shit ton of candles. He throws on All I Want by Toad the Wet Sprocket, and gets a huge boner for Jen’s longing and sadness face since she just killed the monster she loved. Jen says sadness is kinda of her wheelhouse, and I’d love to feel bad for her but don’t.
Cut, that’s a wrap, Dawson lets the sunset, music, soft candlelight, take effect and goes in for the kiss—WAIT A MINUTE DID YOU LEAVE THE CAMERA RUNNING YOU EFFING CREEP SHOW?
Anderson is just chilling on his boat, playing the fiddle–no big thang okay. He offers to take Joey to dinner in NY and dance the night away. She screws up some NY restaurant factoid, but he gives her his number anyways. I’ll Remember You by Sophie Zelmani (The Creek soundtrack is very subtle) accompanies their make out sesh. Joey says goodbye to him and her shot at a better life.
Meanwhile, Jen is pissed to the max and you can just see her imaging their future sex tape scandal. She tells Dawson that he shouldn’t record private moments, and that he is way overzealous. He says “My intentions are honourable” she says “You scare me”, but not because he probably has a camera in her bathroom, she’s scared to because he’s built this kiss up to be such a big deal, and she doesn’t want to disappoint.
Joey hops into the truck with Bess and Bodie, and Joey figures something is up because Bess is being nice. Joey confirms she screwed up the New York restaurant reference and she throws Anderson’s number out the window.
Back to Dawson and Jen, who are for some reason hiding from some other couple in some grody area that stinks, and we all know what’s coming within the first few bars of What Would Happen by Meredith Brooks. More liplocking. While that other couple one ups them and starts doing the nasty for the camera.
Zoom in, and hold the mother effing phone, That’s Pacey’s deflowering on screen!
Most Verbose Articulation goes to Dawson: “I’m talking about the romantic apotheosis. My first kiss with Jen is going to be just like that.”
Runner up, Joey: “The girl’s bored, the guy’s gay; it’s celluloid propaganda”