Joey and Dawson are watching Twister. The real wind blows Dawson’s favourite jerk-off pic of Steven Spielberg over, and Spielberg takes out a dino on his way to the floor.
Switch to weather update on Hurricane Chris. Then to Dawson’s Mom automatoning the lines: Tomorrow would be a good day to stay in bed. Obvs Bob agrees and Dawson freaks out at his mom skanking it up in front of the viewing audience, and then talks about his feelings. When he’s finished his speech about his sadness, he sends Joey away — down a second-story ladder in the middle of the hurricane.
In case you are no good at pathetic fallacy, Joey spells it out for you before she falls to her death: YOUR LIFE IS A HURRICANE, DAWSON!
Meanwhile, I just switched to Netflix and this other song changes everything. I miss the old soothing melody and lyrics that had nothing to do with the show (unlike every other song that they choose to reiterate exactly what is happening).
Okay, let’s all pull our fingers out of our ears and stop scream-singing Paula Cole at the top of our lungs.
AND cue the windy b-roll of everyone battening down the hatches set to “It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” by REM. See. Told ya. Music around here = not subtle.
Mom’s mad that Bob gets to cover Hurricane Chris. She discusses her obvious penis envy with Mr. Man Meat. Mom and Dad make out, and then Dad goes to check on Jen and Grandma. Dawson drops not-so subtle hints:
Dawson: Got to get ready for Hurricane Bob.
Mom: Hurricane Chris
Dawson: Oh that’s right, Chris is the hurricane. Bob is the anchorman.
Mom: Oh boy…
Cut to Pacey and his brother, Doug. Pacey is pissed that he can’t sleep in and watch his soaps, and is instead stuck slapping up “No swimming” signs on the beach with his bro. Pacey calls his brother gay in six different ways, and Doug says he’s just pretty.
Joey’s sis and Brodie debate circumcision. Joey wants them to knock it off so they can all go to Dawson’s.
Pacey turns up on Tamara’s front step. She’s all like: Don’t try to kiss me in front of your cop brother, so I don’t get arrested and posted on the sexual offenders list. Pacey’s all: I don’t understand…
Doug flirts with Tamara in front of Pacey, who gets pissed off.
Grams and Jen come over to Dawson’s to hang out for the hurricane, while Grams insists that if the Lord wants to take her, then fine. Jen says that the Lord sent a fax about the Armageddon or something (first VHS tapes and now this? Eff this piece of shit show for making me feel so old).
Umm, sorry, what about Grandpa? I guess no one gives a damn if the house blows off to Oz with the coma patient in it.
Jen gets the shaft from Dawson (or more accuratley tries for it and doesn’t). Dawson immediately puts my mind to ease by mentioning he is sorry that Gramps is back in the hospital. Jen is like: no worries, it was way too complicated to plot this episode if he was still at home, so we just dumped him for the day and ran.
Gang is all here. Joey, Bess and her black boyfriend, Grams, Dawson, Jen, Mr Man Meat and Momma Harlot are all stuck in the house together.
Mom decides that rather than host the five people she has over, she’d prefer to have phone sex with Bob, and Dawson wrecks her game. He makes a serious face and references the scarlet letter. Mom looks wide-eyed.
After what would have been the commercial break, she chases Dawson and tries to explain that she loves Dad even though she’s boinking Bob. Dawson lets her know she’s a dumb bitch by correcting her grammar (Bob and me, not Bob and I. Maybe if you spent less time with this guy’s dick in your mouth and more time with the MLA handbook you would know this shit, mom). Dawson reminds her that he is her teenage son, and this isn’t really a discussion she should be having with him.
Dawson forgets that he is freezing Jen out and rants to her about it. She thinks he should lighten up. Then he’s like no wonder you would stand up for her since you are such a hoebag. Jen’s all, oh no you didn’t and she storms off.
Joey develops a sudden dust allergy and sneezes from the closet. She tries to pretend she was reminiscing about their childhood in there, and not being a creeper. She says she wishes they were kids, and Dawson doesn’t agree. Dawson won’t absorb her words of wisdom so she gets pissed and tells him it’s better to have a skank-mom than no mom. Then Dawson thinks, damn, I am a bastard.
Now the whole gang is watching Mom’s fuck-buddy report on the hurricane from the middle of a marsh. Dad says he hopes Bob is okay and everyone thinks poor Dad is such a saint.
Mom dumps her problems on Joey… because who better to confide in than the teenager who has been pissed off at you for the last several episodes? And Joey disses Dawson for being selfish to his mother.
Back to Tamara, Pacey, and Doug at her house. Doug goes to check on a crash outside and Pacey tells Tamara that Doug is gay (apparently he forgets how taken she was with Mr. Gold). Then he tries to get some action, and they both end up on the floor.
Back to Mom, who decides she should tell her husband about the affair in front of their teenage son. Dafuq is wrong with this family? Has anyone heard of boundaries? Mom talks about how she wishes she were Dianne Sawyer, and failing that she’d like her own talk show?? Then she says she belongs on Springer (or whatever show they paraded the lowlives on in the 90s? Ricki Lake?) and tells him she has been screwing around and won’t bother asking for an apology because she knows she’s a bitch.
THUNDER! LIGHTNING! The power goes out.
I hate these no lights scenes. They are so disorienting.
Mitch starts throwing shit, and then tells her not to cry.
Grams comes in to see if he’s beating her to death.
Back to Pacey’s brother insulting Pacey. Tamara brings in board games, and Doug wants to play the “If game” which is just asking stupid questions such as: “If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?”
Brodie is still talking about circumcising the baby and Grams seizes the opportunity to be racist and hate on them for being both young and unmarried.
Joey and Jen bond on the porch over discussing what a big dick Dawson is (and has). Actually.
Grams tells Dawson to stop crying about slut mom and forgive her sins. And she says as far as she can tell, his life is gonna suck so he should get used to it.
Doug asks Tamara out and she says yes. Then she gets confused when he calls it a date because she believed Pacey that Doug was gay. Tamara says it was her gay-dar, and Doug puts a gun to Pacey’s head.
Mom goes to see Dad in the car and she is not exactly looking her best.
Dad tells her how he fell for her– love at first sight (and it was a choice? Okaaaay…) after lulling her into a false sense of security, he says he hates her as completely and as quickly as he fell for her. He kicks her out and drives away.
Storm’s over. People are cleaning up. Notice that someone decided to brave the hurricane to spray paint anti-hurricane messages on the store fronts.
Doug still thinks Tamara will still go out with him after the gun fiasco, but she says no dice, she’s boinking someone else (Your kid brother! Surpriiise!)
Jen cries and tells Dawson she was “sexualized way too young,” i.e. lost her virginity at 12 when some dude got her drunk and took advantage. Then she turned into a big drunk, slutty mess, and daddy caught her doing some guy in his bed. But she’s not like that anymore. Dawson says the fight was his fault. Well, actually it was his parents’ fault for always making him watch all the time. He apologizes for being a douche and they hug and make up. Dawson says “Take two” and Jen eats that shit up.
Pacey doubles back for a little sex with teacher. SAME OLD SAME OLD she resists and then gives in.
Dad comes home. There are branches all over the road and distracting straw or something all over the shot of mom on the porch.
Dad sits in front of her. Asks why she did it. She says, “No reason, really…” My life was too perfect.
She says sorry and he tells her to shut it. They sit together in silence.
Joey is sitting on Dawson’s desk (with her shoes on). Dawson apologizes for not thinking his mom was perfect around someone who doesn’t have one. Joey apologizes for “using the mother card”
They go play Jaws in the closet (nope, not a metaphor for something interesting).
Most Verbose Articulation goes to Dawson: Understand what? The complicated mind of an adulteress? Do you have some new Earth-shattering rationale on why you’re breaking the sacred vows of marriage? It’s pretty straight forward, isn’t it? …What? Mom, go for it. Explain. Purge. But purge the right person. I’m the son. There’s a whole missing element here, I think it’s downstairs, and it has a name. Husband, spouse, mate, better half. Any of those ring a bell?
Runner up goes to Dawson (he is still going): Is the proposition of monogomy such a Jurassic notion? I mean, is it no longer reasonable to think that two people can be enough for each other their entire lives? Maybe it’s chemical. Maybe it’s some kind of hormonal imbalance that causes one to fornicate with their coworkers. Maybe it’s not just Bob. Maybe it includes the whole 6 and 11 Action News team.