Blah blah the usual opening schtick. OMGGGG I want the ET doll. So freaking cute.
Joey schools Dawson that girls can be just as superficial as guys. Dawson argues for romance. Joey puts him down and says Dawson doesn’t like that because he has smaller “biceps” than Pacey. He disagrees, and then she like, oh yeah? Then how come Jen won’t do you? So he sulks and watches the movie again.
Goofy high school opening accompanied by the appropriate: Stupid by The Chickenpox.
Joey’s doing a presentation and some bag of dicks keeps interrupting, asking stupid questions about concubines “doinking” the shogun.
Now Pacey is telling Jen they used to call Dawson oompa loompa (they may have had a point). Dawson gets his panties in a bunch over the basketball jokes and keeps bugging Jen about it even after Pacey has left.
Then Dawson fixates some more about what Pacey said and tricks him with “Jen already told me.” And all I can focus on is why are those lockers so filthy? It looks like when an alien explodes on Doctor Who.
Jen’s class is discussing euthanasia, and (shocker) Jen’s view goes against the teacher’s (and God’s) opinion, and this is not permitted, especially when she’s in a classroom with an American flag over his shoulder. She says life’s a bitch. Teach: This is not Times Square. She gets detention. Do we all see where this is going yet?
Dick bag cuts in front of Joey and he sexually harasses her (all in good fun). She knees him in the junk and smashes her tray on his face in retaliation and whaaat…? Joey Potter is detention bound too. Dick bag is free to go reoffend.
Pacey challenges Dawson to a one-on-one so he can impress the cheerleaders. Dawson’s mad Pacey is winning, and prances off, Pacey calls him Oompa Loompa so then he whips the ball at Pacey’s face and Pacey bleeds all over helpful cheerleaders. Dawson has detention.
Cue Saturday by Colony. Dawson and Jen are walking down the hall to detention. Dawson cries that neither deserve to be here, and Jen is all bitch please, I was engaging in intellectual debate, but you broke your best friend’s nose.
A very banged up Pacey is sitting at the detention table. Dawson: How’s your nose? Pacey: Broken, thanks. Pacey won’t say why he is in detention.
Enter Abby Morgan (A girl “from hell”), who sees the gang and says, “Oh great, it’s Howdy Doody time” I feel you, Abby. Also—Dawson might look more like Howdy Doody than Oompa Loompa. Librarian tells Abby to shut up, and tells the group to prepare for penance.
Joey shows up….dressed as Charlie Brown.
Abby offers up some gum and the punch line is yeah right. Then she asks Pacey if he got into a car accident while picking his nose, and other irritating one liners that I think are supposed to be funny.
Abby tries to figure out why everyone is there and calls them all violent offenders. She won’t tell why she’s there and then says it was a drug-fuelled orgy.
It’s 10 a.m. when Dawson admits this is all a not-at-all-veiled reference to Breakfast Club. Jen says the movie stunk and what happened to those actors. Dawson (in a chilling foreshadowing for most actors on screen currently) says they mostly faded into obscurity.
Pacey delivers the line: No way! Emilio Estevez, he was in those Duck movies, remember? God, those were classics. So funny! What? And as far as I’m concerned, this show can pack up and go home, because it will never be funnier than this moment.
Abby demands a bathroom break. Then at 11 declares “I’m so bored.” That makes two of us, Abby, that makes two of us. Abby wants to play games, Pacey suggests pin the tail on the ho-bag (HOW did I convince my mother to let me watch this show? We weren’t allowed to watch the Simpsons, but this made it through the censors?).
Abby convinces them to play truth or dare. Pacey won’t answer why he is in detention as truth, so instead he frenches his best friend’s girlfriend. Joey is obviously thrilled, then she won’t say who she likes, and instead must make out with Dawson. This shit would not have flown in my friend group without, like, bloodsport resulting, but I guess maybe we were square.
Joey is busy picturing her future Dawson babies. Abby breaks in with Earth to dimwit, and Joey demands to know if Jen is attracted to Dawson. Jen loses her temper and says “Maybe if you quit dwelling on me and Dawson you would have a boyfriend of your own.” Abby calls someone a lesbian–prolly Joey, but I blanked out a bit.
Dawson dares everyone to follow him for a jail break. Jen decides the group should play guess my butt.
Dawson and Pacey squabble over Dawson being jealous and Dawson tells him he isn’t good at anything. So they have a basketball off. If Dawson wins, Pacey has to say why he is in detention.
Jen wonders why the guys need to compete over everything, and Abby points out that she is a hypocrite. And when Joey insults Jen again and Jen’s like “Get fucked, what did I ever do to you? I’m not trying to get you to like me anymore,” Abby states the obvious that Joey is in love with Dawson. Jen makes a face like she didn’t put it together until now. Joey gets pissed off that Jen is so nice, and Jen apologizes and promises to act more like a wench.
Abby notices the time, and during the distraction Dawson gets a second cheap shot in.
Very Breakfast Club-like running montage.
Abby says they were hungry. Librarian dumps all the cards on the floor (that’s how you used to have to find a book in the library). Says if they don’t get them sorted by 5 they all have detention again. Abby won’t help because she has “carpel tunnel syndrome”.
Librarian busts Abby for being in there for excessive tardies. Pacey and Dawson squabble some more. Dawson says Pacey would do anything for sex. Dawson cries about how much he hates being called an Oompa Loompa. Pacey is touched, which leads him to confess why he was in detention… because coach busted him whacking off in the mens.
Blah blah blah Dawson is sorry—it’s all Jen’s fault for not screwing him and thereby screwing his confidence. Jen says she wants him, and bawls about how everyone hates her because she’s from NY. Says she wants him badly. Dawson says he thinks about fucking Jen 1,000 times a day and Joey looks like she’s gonna vomit. Dawson apologizes to Pacey, Pacey apologizes to Dawson and why the hell is this all still going on? Joey pipes in and bitches about the sex obsession. PAINFUL confession where Joey bawls for realsies and says she has found the right person and I think I want to cry and vomit now too.
Librarian: detention is over.
Everyone just sits there looking as gobsmacked as I feel.
Most verbose Articulation goes to Dawson for: Well, Anthony Michael Hall developed some weird thyroid condition, Molly Ringwald lost her gawky ingenue appeal and the rest are languishing somewhere in TV hell.
Runner up: No runner up…this episode was mostly a string of one-liners. ZING!