Andie is jumping around like an overall-wearing maniac to the tune of Footloose. Then we zoom out to see that she isn’t even alone—Pacey Dawson and Joey are watching her go to town.
Andie wants to go to the school dance, but the gang would prefer to stay home and watch a movie about dances (sounds like they were ahead of their time). They talk about how they don’t participate in high school, and she is disappointed that their teen memories will consist of bitching and moaning.
In a last ditch effort to get her way, she figures sex sells, and everyone will go to the dance if she implies they might get a little action, so she pimps out Joey’s virginity.
Cue theme music.
Bess drops Joey off in the ole jalopy. Joey tells sis that Jack kissed her and she wants to know if she should tell Dawson what happened. Bess is all hells to the no, you lie through your teeth and put it behind you. And Joey is like, shit, why didn’t I think of that?
“Kiss me” is blaring in the background and whatever happened to Sixpence None the Richer? The song confusingly overlaps into Jen and Abbie discussing whether this high school girl in a tight sweater got a boob job. I guess they are friends again, which I would like to rag on the show for, but that’s just the nature of high school I guess.
Abbie wants to break up some jock and boob job, and says this is a form of goal setting. Which should be easy as they are fighting in the halls.
Joey and Dawson have a quick smooch and then Dawson suggests he might like to bang Joey. Abbie tosses insults at the couple. Joey says she worries for Jen and says they should invite Jen to the dance out of pity. Then Joey sees Jack and runs away.
Pacey and Andie talk about her crazy mom and Pacey is real sensitive and whatnot. But he says he draws the line at dancing. Andie and Dawson want to set up Jack and Jen and Pacey tries to be the voice of reason. He is ignored.
Mom and Dad on the screened-in porch and Dawson walks in and you know by everyone’s faces that this ain’t gonna be good.
They use an awful lot of words to say they are splitting up. Dawson tries to school them on how to save their marriage but Dad is like, kiddo, shut it, I got one foot out the door already. Check ya later.
Andie asks Jack to let her have a night off from worrying about her psycho mom. Pacey rolls up in a cop car (driving it).
Dad and Mom pack up their own car and say that the spilt is temporary and they can still talk and stuff. This car parked in the middle of the lawn for some reason.
Mom is sobbing in the kitchen, slicing veggies instead of her wrists. Dawson is worried and she cleverly claims onions make her cry. Dawson offers to stay and mom won’t look at him, even when he specifically requests it.
Back to the dance and awkward Joey and Jack. Jen shows up looking like she accidentally left the curlers in her hair.
There is much fancy dancing unlike anything I ever saw at my high school. Maybe they have a dance internship.
Abbie shows up looking proper ’90s skank, and promptly insinuates Jen is a cow.
Jen and Jack sort out that they are being set up, and Dawson waxes poetic about when Mom and Dad used to bang on the coffee table, THEN in the same breath says him and Joey oughta go for a spin on the ole coffee table since Mom and Dad aren’t using it.
Since Pacey won’t dance with Andie, she steps out on him. Left alone for 12 seconds, Pacey eyeballs boob job.
Andie makes Joey and Jack dance so she can dance with Dawson. They talk about the kiss and Joey storms off. He psychoanalyzes her. Dawson hears that they sucked face, and Joey says nothing and runs away.
Abbie is snuggled up to boob job’s BF.
Dawson confronts Jack, who refuses to apologize because he would still like to kiss her some more, so Dawson throws a punch (In the ’90s there was no such thing as zero tolerance. Remember when he punched out Pacey?). Abbie is impressed with him for once.
Pacey makes a run at boob job. She is famous for something else (I recognize those teeth). I think she gets killed in a bunch of movies. Pacey says he doesn’t hang with the beautiful people, but he knows one when he sees one.
AND OF COURSE HE WILL DANCE WITH A PAIR OF BOOBS AND NOT ANDIE.
Daddy Dawson calls from his hotel. Note he is still wearing his ring. Momma Dawson eats her feelings.
Jen and Jack take off and Andie turns around to see Pacey and boobs, of course.
Joey chases Dawson. Then she gets pissed at him for not wanting her to kiss other people?
In front of Jen’s house Jen is friendly with Jack and she says thanks for acting like you actually wanted to hang out with me. He doesn’t argue. She tells him to go on and fight for his lost causes. AND I THINK SHE IS REALLY TALKING TO HERSELF.
Dad comes back to be a peeping Tom and joyride on the lawn. He must have stocks in a lawn-care company or something
Andie: You said you didn’t dance, Pacey. He says Kristy is a fantasy, so you should understand. Andie understands because Pacey is her fantasy. Pacey is like wow, why do you like me? I’m worthless. She’s all, ditch the loser complex, and she tries to storm off. He says sorry, I would rather have the moment with you. He asks her to dance with him. They suck some face.
Joey is blatting on Dawson’s bed when he comes home. Is there always so much crying on this show? Finally she says she is sorry. Dawson wants to know what is going on between them and why is she pulling away after getting what she wanted. And she is like all I dreamed about was you but then I got my dream and now I don’t have anything else, no future, unlike you. Then she says we have to break up so I can learn how to make myself happy. Um…imma let that one go.
Dawson drops the L bomb before she jumps out the window. She says it back but you know what they say, SOMETIMES LOVE JUST AINT ENOUGH. So they break up anyway while Dawson is very confused.
They both make very sad frowny faces. Then Dawson smashes the shit out of his stuff and Joey sprints off in her heels. He kicks the ladder down. That ladder can’t catch a break.
MVA = Pacey: Actually, this indictment of high school conventions isn’t limited to dances. It covers the whole spectrum of school-sponsored events. Case-in-point: Joey, how many high school football games have you been to?
Runner up+Joey: I think because we wanted to ease into the subject to make the transition from friend to lover… unconfusing.