You know the only thing that makes watching X hours of this shit show and having to write about it harder? Having SEASON 2 OITNB binge to compare it to.
…This episode should be called NOTHING HAPPENS. Because it is mostly all a bunch of teenagers talking to each other. And Jen trying to drunk sex all the stuff.
But because you might think I am cheating, here’s the damn recap:
Dawson and Pacey are watching black and white film and Pacey bitches about it and totally spoils the budding bromance. Pacey says Dawson is a boyscout.
Suddenly Jen crawls into Dawson’s bed face-first and Dawson and Pacey talk about what to do with her (apparently this is the third time drunky has shown up drunk).
I see by the pretty TREES it is fall. Does this mean a new school year? Only time will tell.
Dad is moving out and asks Dawson to help him and Dawson is like I will move your boxes but I will never be your friend.
There are mums in those potters: definitely fall.
Pacey is in with a guidance counsellor who is explaining to him all the reasons why he is a failure and has no chance of doing anything with his life. Counsellor says go to summer school. MAKING IT SPRING RIGHT?
Dawson is excited because he won some film prize thing. They won $2,500 and can go to some workshop and Joey shits all over all of his plans so she can do her own art thang. So… like, does he get to keep all the money or what?
Jack needs to talk to Joey and and he is all: Sorry it’s not my fault I blame THE FULL MOON (the makers of the creek are obvs very much lunar aware). While they talk about their feelings and stuff, there is a giant poster that just says READ in the background. Is that like a thing in US? Because I never went to a school with posters like that.
In the car, Dawson is typing away on a pretty fancy laptop while Jen is sober for a minute. He tells her about his fancy schmancy award, and Jen gives him the correct excited reaction. Jen wants to star in future films but have more lines than just screaming in horror.
Pacey bitches to Andie about some for realsies legit complaints about the guidance counsellor dogging him. Andie goes on a big rant about Einstein and how Pacey needs rescuing and the whole cafeteria claps for her rant.
Chris is back and wants Jen to know that they are having a “kegs and eggs” party…
A what, now?
…Dawson judges Jen for partying and Jen rants about how she can spell FUN.
Andie won’t come to Pacey’s pity party and says he should be more like Madonna and reinvent himself AND THAT HEROES ARE MADE NOT BORN.
That’s true. Ask Spiderman.
Joey and Jack in the food line: he asks her out on date to go for a hotdog. But he calls it not a “date” but a “dat” instead for some reason that I don’t quite understand.
…If this were the OITNB cafeteria, things would be much more interesting.
Jack tells Andie and Pacey that he has a date with Joey and it is like awks all up in here.
Dawson shows up at Joey’s with half the prize money for Joey to spend on paint. Joey is like “oh sorry I couldn’t accept this” as she deposits the cheque in the bank. Then she figures they ought to be friends since he is so generous. Dawson says his next film he will make a love story: boy meets girl, gets girl, loses girl, GETS HER BACK.
They almost have a moment, but THEN there is Jack to pick her up. Wellll shit. Where are all these guests parking their canoes?
Dawson is at dad’s new weird place. Is this the Tamara warehouse? Or are there like a number of weirdly industrial spaces in the creek? Dad doesn’t know that Dawson and Joey broke up or that Jen is a raging alcoholic and they squabble. Daddy gives him a key. Dawson is like, here is a ca-razy idea: why don’t you be a parent instead of a buddy, and dad is sad but says yes.
Dawson wants to go to the party now. So Jen tells him to be cool while she paints her toenails. She says now that you want me I am so not interested so this ain’t no date.
People are milling about and I see neither kegs nor eggs.
Back at Andie’s, Mom is in the garden and Pacey and Andie try to breeze by wthout her talking about her dead son. They fail. Andie won’t admit that this might not be a fantastic sign.
Andie’s room has about eight million ribbons on her walls.
Back to a romantic picnic with heat lightning. Jack blabbers on, trying to be romantic and Joey says the D word and Jack gets his panties in a bunch. Joey says don’t worry he punched you out because he thinks life is a movie. NBD.
Very pretty and distracting background.
Chris hints to Dawson that it is pretty sweet that Jen hangs around, seeing how she is so slutty. Dawson tells him he is scum, and he is like whatever brah.
Pacey questons the validity of recorded history (smart pants) then the phone rings and oopsie, momma has wandered off. In her nightgown to the market or something and everyone is just staring at her.
Mom is about to lose her shit when Andie tries to get her out of there, but Pacey saves the day when he asks her if she will make him a sandwich?
Back at the party, Jen is going in for the gang bang and Dawson is like Okaaaaay this has gone too far, and he carries her out of the house while she screams and looks like a greasy piece of shit and vomits on a white picket fence and her own hand.
She says she isn’t special and Dawson says if you weren’t special you wouldn’t be so miserable and that’s a bit of a weird take-home for the tweens.
Jack walking Joey home now they kiss. Joes looks like it was totally terrible, but I think she liked it? Weird banter accompanied with lip biting (their own not each others’).
Mom is tucked in at home. Andie fawns on Pacey for saving the day. He wants to go upstairs and Andie looks excited for some sweet sweet Pacey schlong, but oops he wants to do homework
Dawson must have taken Jen to Dad’s house because that is where they are. Dawson apologizes for being mad at dad. And they kiss and make up.
Jen is awake in a strange bed and wants to know what Dawson’s movie will be about and he is like, d’uh, romance, but I don’t know how it ends yet. Jen is like, don’t give it a happy ending because life is just balls.
Meanwhile, Joey climbs in Dawson’s ever-open window HOWEVER he is not home, obvs. So she plays with his shark and then leaves.
MVA: I …can’t…even….