Joey and Dawson are making out in front of his ladder. Joey is looking very Avril Lavigne in her new catering uniform.
Dawson says let’s go upstairs, and they both crawl in the window. Jen is in there bawling her eyeballs out and she can barely talk. Booze or trauma? Your guess is as good as mine.
GTFO, they killed off Abby Morgan? What the fuck point is there to this show if I don’t have her hair and fashions to look forward to? The two hats Joey can afford is not going to cut it, goddamnit
Jen chews on her tongue in the form of “Abby’s dead” and blink and we are back to the sun-drenched musical interlude of the credits.
Nature scenes and soothing sounds and someone is flipping through a photo album. Oh, it’s Joey looking at pics of her dead mom. I guess she has decided she has the market cornered on death and because someone died of a drunk drowning we should all feel sorry for her because she lost her mom to cancer. Totally reasonable. She tells daddy-o she don’t give no shits because Abby was a nightmare anyway.
They have a grief counsellor and a bunch of chairs in a circle and Jen looks like she has just come off a twelve-day crack binge with RoFo. Some kid is wearing a yellow ribbon around her arm in her honour for some reason.
And since she’s dead we call Abby “Abigail” now. Dead people only respond to proper names. Andie says she is really sad and zombie Jen storms out of the room in search of BRAAINS.
Joey sits down with Dawson in the cafeteria and for some reason he doesn’t want to talk about their relationship for once. Instead they both talk about how they never liked Abby. Someone tell these douche rats to steer clear of my celebration of life, kay?
Dawson asks Joey about the funeral and she throws down an aghast, “DAWSON, the last funeral I went to was my mom’s.” Well, slap my face and call me a fuckwad, what was I doing thinking about some other dead chick just because your mom has been dead since forever and you still have a big bad case of the sads over it when it might buy you some attention.
Jen’s bawling in the can because people are acting like they liked Abby.
Jen says she was Abby’s only friend, and I’m like, fuck, get with the program, Jen. Abby gave Andie a ride home once and they bonded, so shut your whore mouth. Jen says she’s so tired of being a celebrity just because she let Abby drown. But it’s not Jen’s fault; let’s blame the mental patient for kicking her out of the wedding and see if we can’t do a 2-4-1 at the ole funeral hone.
At the Leery house, Mom won some award FOR THAT BULLSHIT she did getting the girls to say they shopped because the media told them to or some horse vomit, which was way fucking worse than Dawson’s film and shit. Mom says she wants to move away so she can be famous on the network news, and Dawson is like, what about your marriage? Just because dad’s seeing other people, you think it is time to give up?
Jen is lying in bed some more and I think imma go to acting school, so I too can get a high-paying acting job where all I have to do is look like shit and curl up in bed. You’re kinda treading on my specialties there, Michelle Williams.
Grams comes in and is like I fucking hate your friend, but too bad she died young, and God has a plan, and Jen argues and this shit is so effing tired.
Pacey is reassuring Andie that it’s not her fault that Abby died because she told her not to ruin some throwaway character’s wedding. They squabble, and Abby’s mother walks in and looks like she is taking the death of her child a hell of a lot better than Jen is. Then she tells Andie that Abby used to talk a lot about her. And then Mom tells her to give a nice eulogy. Ta!
Pacey and Andie are yammering along in the rain on the way to the Morgan residence. Apparently, Andie wants to see Abby’s room so she can get a sense for the girl she was.
Jen’s getting drunk on a dock and it’s like, you dumb bitch, don’t you remember what happened the last time you did that? She hurls a bouquet of flowers off the pier and I wouldn’t touch that shit in case it’s like when they throw a bouquet at a wedding except much more deathy.
They are in Abby’s room and Andie is immediately all up in her diary, and it’s about how Jen’s a slut, Andie’s a psycho, and she hates her mother too. Shocker.
Dawson is visiting professor daddikins and he schools him on how to deal with death. Dawson is like let’s talk about Mom’s job. Dawson wants Mommy and Daddy to get back together but Daddy doesn’t leap at the opportunity.
Jack and Joey at the Ice House, and Jack wants to dish about Dawson. Jack is like super weirded out that he was probably the last person dead Abby kissed.
Dawson is jerking it to his movie again, which apparently Abby was in, and I totally didn’t remember that. Pacey wants to talk about the eulogy.
Jen stumbles in drunk as fuck and looking like a big bag of ass as per the current usual. Grams is all Jesus saves and Jen is like fuck you and all this God shit and I should just move out.
Joey and Dad are at breakfast and she stares him down until he gives in and asks her what she is thinking about. Surprise, it’s about her dead mom! Dad tells Joey that she lives on in her and I wonder if this is going to become a tender treatment of molestation, but nope. (Every now and then I get an idea of just how over Dawson’s Creek you are, Jen. **Jenn)
Now back to the great eulogy debate of Andie and Pacey. Andie tells him not to be nice to her because she is crazy.
There is a very respectable pic of Abby at the funeral and I would not notice her hair at all.
Joey decides to face her crippling fear of funerals. Oh wait, it was just so she could get some more attention for her own grief.
Grams sits next to Jen and they are ugly with each other as well.
The priest offers people to come forward to talk about Abby and no one does but Jen gets up and everyone looks like dafuq she gonna say? She has to get up on some giant podium like where the Queen of Wonderland would hold her trials.
Jen gets up there and rips her dead buddy to shreds and then takes a great big shit on God too. Grams does not look like she appreciates that, though Jen is like I am really glad Abby showed me that there is no God. Enjoy your church service now everyone.
When Jen goes to sit down, Grams gets the fuck outta there.
After Jen’s glowing speech, Andie gets up there and talks about the people in her life who comfort her. Then she talks about those other people who challenge her. She thanks Abby for giving her strength by challenging her. And Momma cries.
Now everyone has trudged out to the gravesite too, and some dude in some shads is handing out flowers for people to like throw on her casket or something. Music montage to everyone walking away in slow motion.
Dawson talks about how fleeting life is and how he doesn’t want to go to his grave with regret so they should get down to BIZNASS, and Joey sticks her tongue down his throat so I guess it is not just me who gets hot and bothered at funerals.
Before she has even finished swallowing Dawson’s saliva, she asks him to take her to her Momma’s grave.
Pacey congratulates Andie on pulling off the eulogy. Andie goes to Jen and Jen says sorry I blamed you for Abby’s death; it was actually my fault. Jen says she saw Abby in the water and Abby looked so scared as she bit it. Yowza. Here I thought she just drifted away peacefully like a drunk after her head bashed in a stone. Now Jen regrets her mega-mean speech. Andie wants to go steal Abby’s diary so momma doesn’t find out that her daughter is such a cunt even though all her friends all made speeches at her funeral about how much they all hated her.
Joey ripped off some flowers from Abby to give to her mom. Stay classy. Dawson looks like someone just stuck a finger up his bumhole while Joey looks sad and self-involved.
Jen arrives home to see Grams has packed her shit for her. Jen makes a half-assed run at an apology, and Grams is like cram it. You tried to hurt me on purpose when I try so hard for you and love you so much. So buh-bye now.
Cut to Andie breaking in to Abby’s house. No one answers the door so she strolls right in and goes to swipe the diary and sees Abby’s ghost (we should be so lucky) or she is having a fucking nervous breakdown again.
MVA: Jen’s eulogy from hell: My name is Jen Lindley. And I was friends with Abby, as much as anyone could be because Abby had a toxic personality, in fact it was almost bordering on radioactive. Abby could be cruel and Abby could be spiteful, and Abby could certainly be petty. She spent her days mischievously stirring up trouble, and creating calamity, and generally, taking pleasure in other people’s pain. You know, in Sunday School, they teach us that God made Man in his image. Well, if God made Abby in his own image then what does that say about God? God has always been such a mystery to me. I mean, what kind of deity creates a world that is so full of suffering and so full of pain? I tell you what, Abby taught me a lot. She taught me how to do a tequila shooter with one hand tied behind my back, and she taught me to live life by my own set of values, and not follow the crowd, in hopes of winning some phantom popularity contest. But most of all, what’s most important, is Abby taught me the sadistic nature of our God and as much as that knowledge is disturbing, it’s true. And it’s real. And for a world that is so saturated with phoniness and lies, for that small amount, for that little bit of honesty, I will always be grateful to her.