Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 3, Episode 3 –None of the above

Dawson and Eve are in the D-man’s bed. OMFG ARE THEY WATCHING FELICITY?? Can’t we do a blog about that instead? Way better hair.

Felicity!

Felicity!

Eve says she prefers TV because there are built-in bathroom breaks. Dawson is deeply shocked and offended.

Eve says Felicity is essentially girl Dawson. They talk about their lives as TV shows and I’m sure the show producers were patting themselves on the back for being so very meta. Especially when they are getting busy and Dawson says “They always cut to commercial at the best part…”

Cue the credits.

Joey’s alarm is going off and she seems quite shocked by this. She runs to the school and oh it’s a dreaaaam. She is locked out of the PSATs and Dawson don’t care.

Andie’s back and someone fixed her hair from that purple nonsense. She’s doing sit ups, studying cue cards in a Harvard sweatshirt.

Type A much?

Type A much?

Pacey, the group rebel, is sleeping peacefully.

They are talking about the upcoming test and Dawson’s answer decides the MVA right out of the gate.

Pacey and Andie run into each other and her shit is all over the floor and they are snarky with each other.

Teacher is telling Joey she has a chance at a scholarship. Which would come in handy because, in case you forgot, she is gifted and POOR.

Teach tells her to take the night off because of all the pressure she has been under. She asks Dawson to watch a movie with her to help her relax. Dawson says for sure, but he has plans with Eve, who walks up just then. Wait, the stripper is a highschool kid. What?

that boy is mine

that boy is mine

Jack is playing football. When did this happen? Oh, maybe when Dawson’s father became coach. Slow motion, artsy shots, Jack gets his ass kicked.

creative camera work

creative camera work

Joey’s boss is talking about giving the ladies what they want. She wants Saturday night off to study for the PSATs. He says he paid someone to take them for him. He asks her out and she says she is married and a lesbian. Then she just says no.

Eve leaves an apple on Dawson’s windowsill. We find out she is an army brat. Oh, and that she banged one of her father’s friends as a youngster. Then she whips out a copy of the PSAT answers. No biggie all around.

The gang stands around the answers. Joey sorts out that it was Eve immediately. Pacey figures Andie wants it since she is cool with cheating (burrrrn). Jen wants to peek. Joey says it’s wrong. Everyone makes excuses for everyone else to look at it.

envelope gang

envelope gang

Just then the fire drill goes off and Dawson has to leave the envelope on the table. They get back and it is gone. Natch.

Joey is over-filling a gas tank and her boss is pissed that she rejected him so she can no longer have her night off and has to pay for someone’s gas because she over-filled the tank.

a horrible boss

a horrible boss

Jack is broken from football, so he is quitting. Jen doesn’t think he should.

Dawson and Eve are breaking into the school to look for the missing stolen answers. Someone comes in with a flashlight and they hide under a table. Eve is all like, one of your friends took it. Which one is it?

Teach is grilling the gang as to which one of them stole the answers, so Joey pulls the fire alarm. Nope, just a dream.

The gang is discussing the missing test. Joey calls Dawson’s girlfriend a “bleached blonde ho-bag”. Just like old times with Jen. Dawson tells them they better return the answers to his unlocked locker.

Andie returns everything Pacey ever gave her in a box and is a particular cunt about the whole thing.

Jack is sucking at football so some kid tells him a mantra will solve it all. Kid says he is helping him because he wants to win and Jack is good at football, and he wants him to set him up with Jen. She could do worse. Jack laughs at him because he is a freshman.

pay me for my kindness in Jen

pay me for my kindness in Jen

Pacey is visiting Joey at work. He’s drunk and sad over the box Andie gave him, and he trips and throws it all in the drink. He asks Joey to cover for him and I think she does, and don’t these kids ever learn about getting shit faced where they could drown?

bye bye Andie

bye bye Andie

Eve and Dawson check his locker for the missing answers and surprise, they aren’t there. He needs to be alone because he is so profoundly saddened by this. She says she will make him feel better by telling him who took it and says he already knows: his best friend.

Dawson comes to the marina, apparently looking for Pacey at Joey’s work? Dawson is shocked that Pacey is drunk the night before the PSATs. He tells Pacey to give the answers back, and Pacey says he doesn’t have it. They insult each other, and then they start punching each other and Joey comes out and is like dafuq, Dawson?

Dawson leaves and Joey is comforting Pacey, who’s sad Dawson thinks he’s a loser. Joey is like how come you never believed me when I said you were a loser? Then she gives him a pep talk. Then insults him again.

Eve asks Dawson if he got the test, and he has a giant shiner. He tells her that this is all her fault for giving him the test. He’s all like nice knowing you, “because now that I know you, I don’t really like you.” She is shocked and then mad or sad or something.

At football, Jen is being an awkward cheerleader and Jack’s mantra is “FUG”. Which magically works for him and he doesn’t get creamed. The kid who liked Jen runs at her screaming fug and then takes off.

At the test, Dawson just hands his to the teacher. Then Pacey. They bond outside the school and decide to only beat the crap out of each other for women.

Ohh, and we see it was Andie who stole all the answers. Fade to black.

dun dun dun

dun dun dun

MVA: Dawson: Alert, attentive, concerned. Provided you believe the PSA is a measure of intelligence and not a culturally biased weapon against the poor.

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