We start out not in Dawson’s bed for a change, but at good ol’ Capeside. Jen is bitching that she is turning into her mother because she is homecoming queen. Well, what can I tell you, Jen, sometimes life just deals you a losing hand.
And here’s a spoiler for you, hon: you might want to lighten up a bit because things could get much much worse for you than winning a popularity contest that comes with a crown.
Speaking of being effing robbed…I was promised some goddamn Jensen Ackles when we started this blog and I would like some goddamn Jensen Ackles! How much longer?
Now we find out some old dude (the principal?) rounded up all the past homecoming queens so they could be given the privilege of meeting the latest in an assembly line of boobs on legs. I guess this gaggle of grown-ass women had nothing better to do on a weekday morning, and that sure as hell bodes well for Ms. Lindley. They call themselves HQs and have a secret handshake that they share with Dawson because he’s a queen too.
Cue the theme song. And since you bastards wont give me any satisfaction I cue the imaginary Jensen montage.
Joey and her sis have turned their house into a B&B or something…not sure. Joey and Pacey are talking and it is obvs Andie is seeing someone else (Joey’s ex-terrible boss?) and I feel like I have missed a lot in these last few episodes.
At Dawson’s house the family reunites, because as a former HQ, Dawson’s mom came all the way home for the HQ event and I am going to axe murder someone because either the priorities of the average US adult is way more fucked up than I ever realized or this plot line is absolutely fucking ludicrous. It’s a high school popularity contest, who the fuck would care five minutes after it was wrapped up? Let alone twenty years?
Oh Mom drops a bomb, Dawson has to go the the HQ gala. Good thing he learned the handshake. Sidenote: Dada is all awks while mom gives him the shaft.
I guess Andie is back and she scares off Pacey with her face. Then she argues with Joey over the dude Joey used to work for and Joey is all this is gonna go badly for you and imma say I told you so.
Jen is wandering around some fancy-ass house. Some old bag shows her the dress she made for the stupid gala and gets mad because Jen don’t give no shits about any of it.
Jen leaves and runs off with the “handy boy” who just fell off the roof while getting chased by bees???
Joey gets a call from crazy Andie who is rocking back and forth and cries “Please help me”. Joey and Pacey to the rescue. They pry the story out of Andie, and she tells them about her near miss date rape. Joey misses her most excellent chance for a giant “I TOLD YOU SO!” Pacey makes itl that much better by going to confront the guy while Andie begs him not to. He punches out Rob, who says he never touched her. I tend to believe him. She prolly got raped by a ghost, guys. Do you not remember that she sees dead people and shit…not exactly the most reliable witness.
Ok now I don’t know what Jen is doing. Maybe the handy man just so happens to be the baby-face boy who has a thing for her. Maybe the old broad said Henry not Hank. I don’t have a clue. He hands a guilt trip to Jen because the old bag was looking forward to meeting her because she has nothing else in her life and Jen just shit on the whole thing. Guess he doesn’t know the gang very well because that is kinda their thing.
Joey and Pacey tell Andie she has to go report the almost rape to the cops. I wonder how far up the priority list that one would be. She’s like no fucking way. Pacey tells Joey that he will take care of Andie, so hit the road.
Jen starts over with wrinkly loser lady. Then Jen tells old bag that Hank is going as her date. WTF is this guy’s name?
Pacey takes the rape victim to a boat and wraps her in a blanket. Pacey is all like “I’m over you.” Andie is like “I’m not.” and she’s like “totally worth a rape to get back with you.” She makes a move on him and he’s like “nope. You needs to go have a shower before we get down to business.” She talks a whole bunch and then he sucks some face with her.
Pacey drives Andie home in the cop van. They talk like they might be back together.
Rapist Rob shows up at Joey’s house and she says no sex offenders allowed. He says he’s innocent, and Joey yells at him. Then he says Andie’s mental. Joey slams the door.
At the HQ ball, some lady outs Dawson’s mom for getting fired for being too old. All these soccer moms and their bob haircuts acting like they in high school are making me really sad.
Enter Jen, who is trouble for being late. Jen decided to bring a drag show in to give the old bag a heart attack.
Back to Joey and Andie, and Joey tells Andie that Rob says she’s a lying skank. Andie then says her and Pacey are back together so everything was worth it, and Joey is like oh shiiiiit, she actually is a lying skank.
The drag show starts. The HQ crowd gets their grove on while Jen looks unbearably smug. We see that Queen bitch is tapping her foot to the music, but it looks more like a dog having a seizure.
Andie drops in on Pacey to see how the boat repair is going. Pacey talks about how it is harder to rebuild something that has been damaged than starting from scratch. Then Pacey says they made a mistake. Andie is like, bummer, because this is the first time I’ve been happy since I left the hospital, and Pacey is like see, we have the opposite reaction, we are not in sync. Pacey stares her in the face and says you are not the one, and if it were anyone but Andie it would be pretty brutal, but it is her, so yay!
The HQ party is rocking—and I shit you not, there is an honest to goodness conga line. Jen apologizes for trying to shock the old lady, and Jen says she actually enjoys being a homecoming queen. Old lady tells Jen to stop leading Hank/Henry on like a hussy. Then old lady tells a story about how this dude proposed to her on his mother’s grave on the anniversary of his mom’s death and how it was just a scam to get her in the sack. Moral of the story: quit jerking that kid around or he will turn into a lonely old lady with a dried up vag like me.
So Jen drops the bomb on the kid and he responds with I think I am in love with you. Jen’s all “You don’t know me.” Then he gives her a big long speech on love. She’s like still no. And he’s like my heart is broken and walks away.
Mom and Dawson talk about her being a has-been and a liar.
Andie yells at Joey for telling Pacey that she made up the whole thing to get him back. Joey is like “I did not. I know you. I know you would never do anything so wrong.” Andie is like, “You don’t know what I can get like when I set my sights on something, and I did make that shit up.”
Ugh, back at the party the old lady is doing shots with the drag queens and that dead horse has been pulverized. We get it. She’s old. She’s a bitch, but she was down with the drag show.
Music montage of people doing stuff like walking on the dock, cleaning their boat, and girl bonding on the porch
MVA, Jen: “Homecoming Queens, draq queens, what’s the difference? They are all people dressing up as something they are not. Playing a role.”
MVA in my own mind: Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cake hole