“I’m bored” these are the first words in this episode, and they are the only ones that we need, aren’t they? Joey and Pacey are supposed to be studying. Instead he goes through her mail. Apparently word of the scrappy young underdog has gotten out and colleges are all sending Joey junk mail. Guess how many Pacey got? (He got zero).
WHY IS ANDIE STILL HERE WTF IS HAPPENING?
There are a bunch of clips of the kids talking about the college application process.
Rich guy from the yacht club apparently also goes to Capeside, and knew Jen in New York. Small world. I think his name is Drew.
Pacey’s curly sis is applying to be a bartender at the Dawson restaurant in her most professional halter top. And after one question about her availability she has the job. It is this attention to the highest standard that will ensure the success of this fine establishment.
At football practice Jack takes a giant spill and next day he is in the hall in a sling. Everyone keeps coming by to wish Jen a happy birthday. It is not her birthday.
Joey is crying to her sister’s shoulder because she is only fourth in her class. She can’t cry on Pacey’s because he will be lucky to even graduate.
Classic from the locker shot. Jen finds out the Drew is behind her fake birthday. He wanted an excuse to throw a party.
Andie needles Jack about his applications and says she is glad he is hurt because he can work on his essays.
The Dawson restaurant is slammed. Momma Dawson and baby Dawson gossip about Pacey’s sister, and what she is doing working in a dive like theirs instead of expanding her horizons at college. Then Momma Dawson is upset her baby is applying to schools far away (she thinks it is to run away from Joey).
Joey spills her disappointment with Pacey who laughs the minute after she tells him not to. They call do-over. And she snivels about her imaginary drama and Pacey tunes out because he can’t relate and therefore this is not interesting. Joey stuffs her limp dick in her pants and decides to go to Jen’s fake bday. Pacey comes too.
The house is packed in the way only movie houses are packed at parties (or it is a definite possibility I just didn’t get invited to any good parties).
Drew calls Joey the grim reaper when all she wants is a beer. Pacey tries to stop her from drinking and she emasculates him and then chugs ‘er.
Then Jen finds Drew by the pool and suggests that they all might be squatting at a house that doesn’t belong to him. Annnnd she’s right. Don’t worry though. No one calls the cops. This is one of many plot points that are introduced and then dropped.
Dawson shows up to let Joey know he has been counting her drinks. She’s had four, and with the amount of bodyfat she has (Zero. She has zero percent. That bitch.) she should prolly be in the ER. Dawson wants to talk like her getting drunk this once is a life-ruining thing (I guess he blanked on his own little karaoke fiasco). She staggers off swigging her 80 proof punch.
Joey takes Jen out to the water so she can give her PTSD flashbacks of when she watched a different drunk classmate drown. Joey says they are not even friends. Then smoothes that over with a “just kidding” and a drunken I love you. Jen wants to find out where Drew lives and Joey spills that it is in an apartment with his mom.
Andie is sporting some crimped locks and shows Jack the thoughtful gift of “You too can get into the college of your choice” (Of course she did). Jack cries lady tears because he doesn’t have football anymore and that isn’t great for the gay kid’s popularity ratings.
Andie strolls up to the drunk fest and Jen is about to breeze off leaving Joey to be the next high school funeral.
Joey wants to know where they will be in five years. Jen wants to be starting her masters thesis, Andie wants to be in PR and Joey doesn’t know. So they tell her she will graduate from an Ivy League and live in NY and work in a funky SoHo art gallery. They promise to reunite in five years to see if the predictions came true. Makes me wish me and my friends woulda done cool stuff like that. Then I could show them that dreams do come true and I eventually did fulfill my life-long goal of dashing off quick blogs about TV seasons people didn’t even watch when they originally aired.
Back in the party, Pacey is getting busted for playing strip poker. For revenge she decides to join in. So he regains his dignity at the sacrifice of hers and throws her over his shoulder. Drops mic. Walks out.
Jen and Drew are in an uncannily 16 Candles like set-up and she gets a cake and a present and everything and I gotta make some friends because I can barely scrape that up on my REAL birthday. Oops, turns out the present is Ecstasy, so maybe I’m good.
Drew knows Jen hasn’t really changed so he leaves the drugs with her and lets nature take its course. This is not very John Hughes, guys.
Andie finds Jack to apologize for being an insufferable bitch all the time.
At Joey’s house Joey spills that she is thinking about staying in Capeside to be with Pacey. Pacey is like don’t worry, I will follow you wherever you get in because they have McDonald’s everywhere. Pacey drops the L word in a roundabout way. Then they kiss in a really arm-flailing athletic kinda way. Joey sucks up to try to get him to carry her in for some reason. So he carries her over the threshold. Because he is nothing if not her bitch.
Back at the Dawson restaurant it’s just Dawson and Pacey’s sis. He pours his heart out to her. He can see how much Joey loves Pacey and it kills him. Sissy dogs on The Wizard of Oz because it isn’t realistic. She then rewards his outpouring of emotion by refusing to share any personal information.
Fade to black.
…Wait, what did Jen do with those drugs?
MVA—Drunk Joey: Some people like salad dressing on the salad. And some people like it on the side.