Opening scene is Mitch and Dawson making fun of Gail’s overdue (by two weeks) pregnancy while she’s getting ready for a dinner out. She emerges in labour and they rush her out. She says she’s been feeling pains all day. And yet she was still getting ready to go out to dinner? Well, she does have a flair for the dramatic.
Turns out the contractions were just Braxton Hicks, AKA false labour. The doctor says they’ll induce if baby’s not out in a couple days. Now, I don’t know if the early oughts were really this laid back, but a 40-year-year-old woman 42 weeks pregnant would probably have been induced by now. Just saying.
Mitch wants to know if they can speed thing along. Pfft, like every asshole they know hasn’t been pushing their labour-starting remedies on them already: spicy food, walks, nipple stimulation, sex, acupuncture, raspberry leaf tea, etc. And this doctor? Suggests… talking to the baby.
No wonder she’s letting an old woman go past 42 weeks. She’s a quack. Mitch says they haven’t named the baby yet. Dr. Quack writes Gail a prescription: name the baby. Like that’s really her biggest concern. Yeah, baby won’t be born because it doesn’t have a name yet. Makes sense.
Jack shows up late to some sort of tutoring thing with Toby and some boy who’s the only other black person in town other than the rarely seen Bodie.
Joey’s all antsy trying to call Pacey, who’s away on a fishing trip with Doug, which is weird because they hate each other. Bessie wants Joey’s help to wrap a gift onesie for Gail. Joey bolts and heads to Pacey’s house.
Dawson is apparently throwing a “naming shower” where you have to bring names. Throwing shindigs for a pregnant lady who could blow at any moment seems like a waste of time, but whatevs.
Gretchen drops a bomb that she might move away to be an editor at a lifestyle magazine. Dawson, who has a history of thwarting women from following their dreams, doesn’t seem overly jazzed.
So they discuss long distance and all that, but if you ask me, this is it. Gretchen plays it like she’s living in the now, and Dawson seems like he’s way more upset than she is.
Tutor time is over and Jack sends Toby off early. He goes to the bus, and there’s a couple guys there. He makes small talk about buses and the weather and then the guy gets up.
Joey arrives at Pacey’s place and Gretchen is there and spills the beans. There’s no fishing trip. Pacey got arrested for public drunkenness while Joey was in NY. Doug got the charges dropped and took him camping to talk sense into him.
Why change it from a camping trip to a fishing trip…?
Gretchen tells Joey Pacey’s in a lot of pain right now (no college, girlfriend leaving) and needs help and doesn’t want her putting pressure on him right now. Joey wants to know how to contact him and says she can’t promise not to give Pacey hell. Gretchen asks how she could be so selfish.
Has she met Joey?
Joey reveals her period is late. Uh, then get a pregnancy test? Gretchen reassures her and tries to convince her to take a test, and Joey cuts her off and leaves. This is so overly dramatic. Just pee on the fucking stick. Pacey doesn’t need to hold your hand beside you on the toilet.
At the shower, Gail is buzzing around, which Grams says is nesting. Gretchen, Joey and Bess show up. Joey still hasn’t taken the test from the looks of things.
And that’s everybody. Does this woman have no friends? Look at the guest list: her husband, son, next-door neighbour, two of her son’s friends plus his ex-girlfriend’s older sister, and one of her employees. Gail’s life is mega sad.
And Grams kicks the men out, so it’s just Joey, Jen, Grams, Bessie and Gretchen left with Gail.
At the tutoring thing, Jack shows up and the kids are in chaos because Toby isn’t there and no one’s heard from him.
Grams is doing some stupid needle dangling test she says was the ultrasound of the middle ages. Gail is asking if it’s a boy or girl. Might I remind everyone this lady was a nurse, and Gail would have already had ultrasounds that could have answered that question.
Mitch and Dawson are up in a treehouse pretending to smoke cigars.
Mitch starts talking about how shitty it is to have a newborn. He then gets all sexist with the whole men don’t love babies the way women do, not at first. Which is total shit. Some women don’t bond right away and some men will kiss their new babies while they’re still gooey.
He says when he heard “daddy” in the night, he got it. So, basically he’s telling his son he didn’t really love him or get fatherhood till what? 18 months? 2 years?
Seems a somewhat unhealthy lesson to impart to your son, that he won’t love his kids as much as his wife will at first. He has no way of knowing that.
The names at the shower are killing me. Sophie, Isabella, Jackson, and Emma. THESE ARE THE POPULAR NAMES TODAY. Others: Satchel (What?), Thomas, Rose.
Mitch and Dawson muse about Gretchen moving to Boston. Mitch says to do his own thing because you never know what can happen. Then he name drops Joey because somehow everything has to be about her.
Joey then, with no names to offer, gives the uber useless present of a necklace that Gail now has to hang onto for about 10 years before the kid can actually have it.
The ladies reminisce how Bess gave birth during the hurricane. She then tells the story of how Joey was born, with their mother most improbably yelling after 36 hours of labour, “Josephine, Josephine, everyone’s waiting to meet you.” I call bullshit. That woman was probably swearing and cursing life. But we have to lend credence to this nonsense that a baby has to be named and called before it’ll come out, don’t we?
Joey excuses herself from the story because she can’t help drawing more attention to herself, even when she’s the centre of attention at another woman’s shower. If she’d just have taken the fucking test she could be acting like a normal person right now.
Jack checks in with Toby at his house. Toby won’t see him and shouts that he has the flu. He fakes for a bit then gives up and opens the door.
He says he was mugged and Jack presses him to make a police report. Toby refuses, alludes to frightening some people, and slams the door.
Bessie tells Joey she’s acting like a weirdo and surmises that Joey might be pregnant. Joey acts like an asshole and infers that Bessie’s life is a trainwreck, which is a mighty smug thing to say when you yourself may be knocked up before leaving for college.
And now Gail is in labour.
They’re at the hospital and for some reason Gretchen came along.
Jack visits Jen, who’s knitting outside, and he tells her Toby’s injured. He thinks Toby was the victim of a hate crime. Jen pushes him to do something about it.
At the hospital, Dawson and Gretchen talk about their relationship and how they’re probably not going to be together anymore and Dawson basically wants to know if they’ll have sex before she leaves. Gretchen’s like, no dice, man. I’m not getting closer to you so we can leave each other.
Mitch interrupts. False labour again. Jesus, just get the kid out already. She’s old. What is with this frigging hospital?
Joey shows up to Pacey’s house that evening to speak to Gretchen. She’s obsessing about her maybe pregnancy. JUST TAKE THE TEST. God, this is so unnecessary.
Gretchen tells Joey, whether she chooses to stay pregnant or not, it’s about family. Then she tells her she miscarried while in college. Then they start getting mushy about Dawson for some reason.
At the Leery house, Gail wants to go to the hospital again, but Mitch is done with her crying wolf and he wants to watch a movie on TV. Gail drags him by the ear, so they’re off again.
At Toby’s house, Jack has brought an officer over. Toby wants them all to leave and then the officer tells Toby about his statistically increased risk for violence due to him being gay. The whole thing comes off like a public service announcement. Toby then shares the story and he was indeed attacked because he was gay.
At the hospital, Mitch tells Dawson that Gail’s been in hard labour all day. And you’re in the waiting room because…? Mitch is expressing frustration but Gail calls out and he runs back in.
Joey comes back home in the morning after sleeping at Gretchen’s. She talks to Bessie about how she hated Joey when she was born and all the bad life choices. I can’t help but wonder what’s so bad about running your own B&B with your common law spouse. Babies out of wedlock aren’t that big a deal when you’re a grownup.
Bessie gets out a pregnancy test. THANK YOU. This stupidity has been going on two days longer than it should have. Alexander wakes up and Bessie leaves the room. Joey starts crying over the First Response box like a dick. Just take it. What is wrong with you?
Jack shows up at Toby’s to make him go to tutoring. Jack acknowledges he’s a gay guy too and that assault could have happened to him so he can’t just fly under the radar and let other homosexuals fight the good fight alone.
Joey’s in the bathroom, finally taking the fucking pregnancy test.
Boom. Not knocked up. All that freaking out for nothing.
At the hospital all the ladies show up with trinkets, which is very invasive and rude. Who just shows up to a birthing? Wait for a phone call and an invitation after the baby’s actually born.
Dawson and Joey talk about life, making plans with their significant others, and whatnot. Then Joey brings up having sex from her perspective. Good call, Joe. ‘Cause if there’s anyone who wants to hear about your sex life, it’s your ex-boyfriend. She’s trying to make it all about the intimacy concerns, but neglecting the fact that perhaps Dawson would just like to get laid already for his penis’ sake.
Then boom. Nurse comes, makes a birth announcement. It’s a girl. And Mitch seems very happy, so maybe he was talking out his ass earlier about men and babies.
And then comes the final heap of bullshit: Gail got the baby to finally come because she called out her name. Which, for the record, is Lillian, Joey’s mother’s name.
Pacey calls Joey and makes his first and only appearance in the episode. Joey doesn’t let him in on the drama, and he maintains the lie about fishing and Joey lets him. Again, changing it from camping to fishing is something I don’t understand. What a needlessly cumbersome lie.
Joey says I love you and hangs up the phone. Why does no one on TV say “bye” before doing that? Like, ever.
Dawson drives up to Gretchen’s, who’s taking a later train, I guess. They make out. Will they have sex? Oh, who knows.
MVA: Gretchen. “Speak your subtext, boy.”