Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 1, Episode 13 – Decisions

Let me start by saying this blog is messing up my Netflix recommendations. The Vampire Diaries? Dance academy? TWO different versions of 90210? Please.

Dawson is shocked Joey showed up for movie night since she gave him the shaft last time. He says he wasn’t even assed to go rent a movie for her since she said she wasn’t gonna wear lipstick. So she says she will leave, but then he wants to watch TV and make sarcastic remarks (Quit trying to be ME, Dawson). Joey is done with TV and being predictable. Dawson ignores her and flips on the TV (aw, he’s becoming a man before our very eyes). They talk about cliffhangers in a foreshadowing way that makes me scared this is gonna be one. Then I remember that I don’t care what happens to these people and it’s all good.

Credits.

Grams yammering on about old lady stuff to her coma husband. There’s lots of classical music and piano, which makes me think something touching will happen and soon. Jen pokes her head in to say goodbye AND THEN HE SAYS GOODBYE JEN. Piano swells.

They dump him in the hospital again and Jen talks about how awesome that is. Then she asks Dawson to do something to celebrate and he’s like sorry I’m into Joey now.

Enter Joey, who is asking about passports because she has the chance to go to France for a year on an art scholarship in 2 weeks. Dawson doesn’t want her to go. Jen would prefer she did. Surprise.

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But…I AM your whole world…

Joey tells sis about it who is like, well, it’s an honour to be asked. Dad will be proud when you tell him. Hold up—Whaaaat? Joey had forgotten they are having a family party for him in prison. But Bess ain’t going because it’s Joey’s turn. Why go together and have moral support, when you could go separately? Joey says our father who art in prison (ZING).

Pacey gets pulled over by the cops (his bro) and is in shit for failing. Bro calls him a joke.

Dawson’s going to prison with Joey. She asks Dawson what he would do if she left, and he says suicide…but surprise, he would choose something something wussy and painless like pills.

The prison looks damp and humourless and boring, and not all what OITNB has led me to expect. Joey missed visiting hours because she turned up after 5, and non 7-11 hours is apparently something she wasn’t prepared for…(Meanwhile, weren’t the malls still closed on Sundays on the ’90s? But prisons should be 24-hour drop in?)

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prison yard

So now Joey and Dawson have to wait it out, and are shacked up in a hotel together. The new bed has Dawson all nervous (he also didn’t bring his ET teddy bear, so it’s weird). He stares at Joey’s back and she looks cranky. And he says he would really miss her if she goes to France. And she would miss him, and they talk like a whole bunch about hypothetical feelings.

Jen and Grams are at the hospital, where Grams pats herself on the back for causing his recovery by her prayers.

Back to prison and Dawson wants to leave Joey alone with Daddy dearest, who comes in with some really fancy swoopy bangs. He does not look like a drug dealer.

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Fancy Dad swoop bangs

He says, Joey, you are beautiful and she says she is not (in an even meaner way than when she says it to Jen). He is sad and pathetic and she is vicious and this is vey hard to watch. He says he’s lonely and missed his family, and Joey wants to know if he misses her dead mom who he cheated on. She says she is going to France, and takes a powder.

Then dad begs Dawson to tell him about his daughter and Dawson says she is great and smart and beautiful and funny and a scared-y cat and blah and blah and pretty much perfect in every single way. Next, in a totally uncharacteristic move, Dawson changes the subject to himself, and starts talking about how he is a dreamer and needs her, and won’t be able to live without her if she leaves.

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THIS is what visiting hours are supposed to look like…less drab more fab.

Joey wants to know what the conversation was and Dawson guilts her for leaving without talking to her father. Joey says she hates him, and is going to Paris so she can think and start over. Dawson is all “wah” and she says give me one good reason to stay and he keeps opening and closing his mouth like a fish.

Back to the hospital. Grams tells Jen Gramps had another stroke and is intensive care. Jen is upset and Grams is like it’s God’s plan so just chill, would ya? Also, throw in a prayer doesn’t change God. Prayer changes me.

Joey is working and Pacey comes in and she says kitchen is closed, but she will microwave him some rat droppings if he wants. He wants to know when he got designated the town loser. Joey is like you are not the town loser. My whole family is the town loser. They play who is the white trashiest for a bit. Then talk about mutual daddy issues. Then she asks Pacey to take her back to jail so she can talk to dada.

Gramps is laying in a different bed than usual at the hospital and this neato thingie goes up and down as he breathes. Jen lays a guilt trip on him for having another stroke when she was so happy that he was getting better.

Back in jail and Joey is still trying to get around visiting hours (for a smart girl she is really having trouble with this concept). Pacey suddenly has enough money for a bribe (20 whole dollars is all a prison guard needs—we need to pay them better) and she is in.

Jen tries to be more Joey like by climbing in Dawson’s window and then putting herself down and then asking to sleep next to him. And he says yep.

Jen sobs in Dawson’s arms as Sarah McLachlan sings Angel in the background. I am in 90s teen girl heaven.

Joey talks to Dad through the fence. She tells him he messed up by not knowing her. And that she turned out pretty good.

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Love through a fence

And she just wants to know if he loves her. He says yes and cries and says sorry for being a loser. She says she’s 15 years old and all she thinks about all day is how nobody loves her, and he’s like not just me, your friend Dawson loves you. He looks at you the same way your mother used to look at me. And you love him. And I can see Paris just floating away on an ice floe. Dad says go for the gold before the cancer gets him too and I hear Sarah McLaughlin again. Joey and Dad say they love each other. She holds his hand through fence.

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Last one, I swear (Is it June 6 yet?)

Jen and Dawson wake up and Jen says thanks, and makes her move.

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Not what it looks like

Just then Joey climbs in the window. Then she takes off. Dawson screams her name through the window. Then Dawson goes to chase her because she got the wrong idea, and Jen is like no she doesn’t and he is like later.

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Seriously you guys

Jen goes home and Grams says no change, and please can’t you just come to church with me. She leaves and Jen looks at their wedding photo and crawls into bed clutching it.

Dawson looks everywhere for Joey except for the bridge she is sitting on until after she left I guess.

Jen answers the phone to find out Gramps kicked the bucket.

Joey walks around all over to some music. They do one of those roundabout pans around Dawson that I just love so much

Jen is in a church wearing her grandmother’s sweater. They pray together. Grams cries which makes Jen cry too.

Turns out Joey is hiding in Dawson’s closet (They are always in the last place you look). He tries to explain, and she is like who cares.

Joey says she was there to tell him she is moving on. He wants to know if she is going to France, and she talks about the cliffhanger, and says she’s leaving to grow up and Dawson wants to grow up too, but safe in his parents’ home. And they talk a lot, but the only thing that is really happening is they are about to kiss. Joey cries and no kiss. But Dawson is like too much crying not enough kissing, and makes out with her before she hops out the window.

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They kiss (and no one even dared them)

HUGE backlit makeout session.

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ARTSY make-out shot

Fade. to. Black.

MVA, Joey: Yeah, but just like in our own lives, they are so predictable. I mean, the producers put the characters in some contrived situation, hoping that the audience will think something is going to change. But you know what? It never does. It’s back to the same way it was before your so called cliffhanger. It’s boring, Dawson

LVA, Dawson: “Even Spielberg outgrew his Peter Pan syndrome” Yeah, we know Joey said that a dozen episodes ago, dum-dum.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 1, Episode 12 – Beauty Contest

Opening scene, in Dawson’s bed as per usual, he’s watching bugs have sex. He’s using the video as a visual aid for his biology term paper. I don’t remember doing shit like that in high school, but this is TV.

Joey and Dawson then get into a conversation about how mating is instinctual, but not for humans according to Joey. She says dudes these days are conditioned to like who the media tells them to like, which is amusing because she’s gorgeous and has nothing to worry about there.

Dawson is like, isn’t there some kind of instinctual urges when you like a guy, Joey? And she doesn’t answer, but it looks like she’s thinking the answer is yes.

After the opening credits, the fab four are talking about the town’s annual beauty pageant (Which Dawson’s going to be filming) and since Jen’s there and she’s new in town they’re explaining it to her. She tells everyone her mom used to enter her in beauty pageants when she was a kid. And then Dawson starts encouraging her to enter to become the next Miss Windjammer, waxing poetic about the baton-twirling skills she must have, and her million-dollar smile (Which actually, we don’t see much of, do we?) and Joey skulks away from the conversation all annoyed.

I beg your pardon?

I beg your pardon?

Jen’s not interested, even despite the $5,000 prize and trip to New York and she also leaves the conversation, unwon by Dawson’s obvious attempts at wooing her back. If you call laying it on obnoxiously thick to the point of sarcasm an attempt.

Pacey calls him on it once Jen leaves and Dawson’s like, meh, might as well try being an ass since nothing else has worked. Pacey tells him to get over it and Dawson says he thinks he has but continues to make Jen uncomfortable with these weird overtures as some sort of hobby.

Jen and Joey are now talking about Joey’s chances of being able to afford college on scholarships and bad tips. Jen wants to be friends now that Dawson’s out of the way. Joey gives her some ice and Jen walks off defeated yet again. But this time Joey relents, sort of. She doesn’t want to wash hair or paint nails or anything else she’s seen on TV because I guess she’s never had a female friend before because she’s sort of an asshole.

I *guess* I'll let you be my friend.

I *guess* I’ll let you be my friend.

At Capeside High, Pacey is tossing things out of his locker, looking for a pen in a way unlikely to discover a pen. Dawson reaches in and finds it immediately and asks Pacey if he’s okay. Pacey’s in a mood because his dad spent the morning giving him hell for failing school, skipping classes and stealing his car. Dawson offers his place for the night to get away and turns out Pacey’s actually looking to move out permanently. Dad’s suggested he become emancipated. He shows Dawson an apartment ad he’s been looking at.

But it’s no good because even at $250 a month for a roach hole, he can’t afford it on his video store wage. So Pacey starts musing about that $5,000 prize and Dawson reminds him it’s just for girls. Pacey says “Once again, sexual discrimination rears it’s ugly head,” because life is terribly unfair for the straight white men of this world and he’s sick of it. He also considers entering a beauty pageant would piss off his father.

In line at the cafeteria Jen is telling Joey she’s gorgeous and Joey’s like, no I’m not, so stop it. And she really seems to mean it. Oh teenagers. Jen says she was always afraid when she was with Dawson that he would suddenly realize how hot Joey was. Joey thinks she’s too tall to be pretty (And you know, maybe she’s mistaking all that social ostracism as bad feedback for her attractiveness).

Jen’s trying to talk Joey into entering the pageant but only starts to get through when she talks about the money she could win.

No men!

No men!

And the next scene is Jen taking Joey to register herself and we hear Pacey arguing about the constitution at the registration desk. He’s arguing sexual discrimination and he wants in that damn beauty contest. Dawson’s there too and he’s excited because he’s now covering a story about gender equality.

He thinks Jen’s there to enter and she says, no, just as a coach. He asks who she’s coaching, even though Joey is right there and filling out paperwork. Damn, buddy, you are really unobservant. He then says Joey entering a beauty contest is hilarious. Womp womp.

Dude, I'm right here.

Dude, I’m right here.

Obviously this insults Joey and she gets mad and Dawson says it’s only funny because he knows she hates this sort of stuff. He wants to know why she didn’t tell him and she says it’s because she knew he’d be an ass. He apologizes, but then starts to laugh again and Joey cuts him off. Dawson’s like, I’d never laugh at you! And Joey’s like, you just did!

Pacey’s sitting amongst the female Miss Windjammer wannabes and a girl named Hannah sits down near him. They seem to know each other. He puts down her privilege and she makes fun of him for being poor. And at some point he makes yet another gay-reference insult. This is sort of a habitual thing for him.

A lady comes to talk to the candidates for orientation, making it clear the rules will be rewritten next year to exclude dudes. Hannah continues to insult Pacey and he asks the girls to vote her as Miss Congeniality.

Evening at Jen’s house, and she’s trying to teach Joey to walk in heels with a book on her head. One decent attempt, but Joey’s already annoyed and looks like she wants to quit. She asks Jen why she’s doing this. Jen thinks she means the heels training, but Joey wants to know why Jen’s trying to be friends when Joey’s been such a C U Next Tuesday.

Jen says she’s never had female friends and from the looks of it, neither has Joey (Yeah, no shit). Joey wants to know why she doesn’t hang out with the cool kids instead and Jen says it’s ’cause they’re dumb. She thinks Joey’s self esteem needs an overhaul.

Now we’re seeing Pacey practice his singing in front of Dawson and Mitch Leery. Mitch wants to know if Pacey can do anything else since his performance is kinda crummy. Pacey then says he has a dress in mind for the evening wear, but Dawson says if he wants to win, he should take it seriously. Think of the press! Pacey’s like yeah… I just care about the money.

Just starting into Dawson's windows. Totally normal.

Just starting into Dawson’s windows. Totally normal.

At Jen’s Joey and Jen are discussing their individual Dawson situations while gazing out the window at his house. Joey says he’ll always see her like he did when they were kids.

Back at Dawson’s, Dawson is asking Pacey if he’s talking to Joey because she’s been avoiding him (Probably because he laughed at her). He says he misses her and Pacey’s like, yeah, ’cause you love her, d’uh. Dawson says he cares about her like a sister and can’t get past that. And now Pacey’s irritated because Dawson told him not to pursue Joey and he’s like, so you don’t want her, but no one else should have her either? And Dawson’s got nothing to say to that.

I'm offensive!

I’m offensive!

At the competition, Dawson is interviewing the candidates and one girl says she might like to work with– and this is verbatim, folks– the crippled or retarded children. Or maybe become a model. Dawson keeps a straight face.

Joey and Jen arrive, and Joey’s wigged out that Dawson’s doing the interviews. Jen tells her not to worry because it’s a small thing for the judges.

Pacey’s working on a magic act (He does magic?) and Hannah is back to antagonize him some more. He offers her a roll in the hay to help her skin…?

Dawson’s now interviewing someone who’s been accepted to Juilliard but will not be going till she’s done a tour with the Peace Corps. Well heck.

Back to Pacey and Hannah, apparently their history goes back to grade 6 when she stood him up. She asks if Pacey really thinks he has a chance to win and he says if he helps her lose then it’ll be worth it.

Joey sits down for her interview and Dawson asks, “If you could commit one act without consequence, what would it be? She says she’s rob a bank so she wouldn’t have to be here. He asks her to get serious. What example would you want to give your kids? Treat others the way you want to be treated. Who are your role models? No one. Where do you see yourself in five years? Tunisia or Africa (Uh, Tunisia is in Africa) or Antarctica.

Dawson’s perplexed that she wants to go so far away. Won’t she miss family and, ahem, friends? Sure, but whatever, Joey says, life changes, deal. People die, move and grow up. And just like that, she ends the interview and leaves.

Now the Miss Windjammer pageant has begun. Joey’s getting her makeup done. She says, “Everyone’s going to laugh at me,” and now all I can think about is Carrie.

They're all gonna laugh at you!

They’re all gonna laugh at you!

Jen says Vaseline will keep her lips from sticking to her teeth when she smiles and Joey’s like smiling?! I have to smile? Wha…? Oh Joey.

Dawson goes to visit Pacey, who has his own dressing room in a closet, and Pacey tells him not to make any jokes about coming out of the closet. And that’s the second gay joke he’s made this episode. I’m telling you, Pacey’s got a fixation. Although, yes, this was the ’90s, when you could be a homophobe without looking like an asshole.

Pacey wants to know if Dawson thinks he’s an idiot for entering and Dawson says he’s got balls of steel. Then he gives him Vaseline for his teeth, courtesy of Mrs. Leery. What for asks Pacey. Damned if I know says Dawson.

In a breathy intro, the candidates are brought out in their evening wear. ’90s evening fashion is a little cheesy. Now it’s Joey’s turn, she looks great and when Dawson sees her he looks like he’s about to mess his pants.

Pacey’s with Jen and taunting her about Dawson eyeing up Joey, asking if she’s experiencing any dumper’s remorse in the 6.8 seconds it’s been since Joey captured Dawson’s attention. Jen unconvincingly says no. Pacey says it’s human to suddenly want what you’re about to lose to someone else. And then it’s his turn on the stage. Jen’s got a nauseas look on her face and the crowd is loving the novelty of Pacey.

What have I done?

What have I done?

We breeze through the talent portion and interviews. The sharp lady who wants to work with cripples and retards says she’d help the governor lose 30 pounds in 30 days. Miss Juilliard Peace Corps is playing something complex and dramatic on the piano. Pacey’s charming the crowd with great answers.

Pacey sneaks over to Mrs. Leery, who’s helping judge the contest, to see how he’s doing. He’s a hit, she says, but has no chance of winning because the club would rather die in a sea of flames than crown him Miss Windjammer. He’s bummed and walks off.

Eff this.

Eff this.

Joey’s turn to sing on stage after one last pep talk from Jen. As she walks up, Dawson approaches Jen and says she did a great job. Jen takes the opportunity to tell Dawson she and Joey are becoming friends, but also that she misses his friendship, and more. But it’s too late. Joey’s singing a song from Les Miserables, On My Own. Subtlety =/= this show. Her singing voice is overly cutesy at first. But no matter. Dawson is pretty much falling in love right now.

Making a connection with everyone except the audience.

Making a connection with everyone except the audience.

After Joey’s done singing, Dawson goes to get Pacey, who flails his cards. He’s like, you didn’t think I could win, did you? And Dawson’s like, come on, obviously no. Then Pacey’s saying since he’s got nothing to lose, he’s going to tank the show.

And even though it was his turn, and even though he left his closet wearing a suit, he managed to find some blue face paint, inform the announcer he was changing his act, and strip down to his vest to do a Mel Gibson’s William Wallace act.

Freedom!

Freedom!

Now Joey is walking to the dressing room and she overhears some shit from Hannah about how if she wins it would be a charity case because she lives in her trailer and her sister just had an illegitimate black baby. Shit, man, there’s that emphasis on the black part again. Have I blocked out how racist the ’90s were in comparison to now?

But the girls aren’t done. They bad mouth Joey some more, Dawson witnesses the bashing and Joey runs off. Dawson runs after her, and she’s fuck this, I’m done. Dawson tries to convince her that the reason the girls were badmouthing her was because she’s a threat to them. Joey’s still not going back and Dawson gives her this passionate speech about how proud he is of her.

And the speech worked because Joey’s back up there answering interview questions. When asked about the advice she’d give today’s youth she uses it as a way to give a subtle ding to Hannah about not judging people based on material things.

After the break, it’s time to find out who won this shindig, and it’s not Hannah. She gets second runner-up. And there’s smug looks everywhere. The prize is tickets to a matinee at a theatre that can only be used on Tuesday or Thursday. Seeing as that’s during school hours, it seems like a booby prize.

Enjoy your Tuesday matinee.

Enjoy your Tuesday matinee.

First runner-up is Joey. She wins a free day of beauty at a place called “Betty’s Hair Barn.” Sounds swanky. Since she hates things to do with hair and nails, this no doubt will be put to good use.

And the winner is the very deserving and accomplished, unnamed-till-now Roberta, the one with the mad piano skills and the Juilliard acceptance. Well, that seems fair.

Dawson and his mom meet Joey outside and Mrs. Leery lets Joey know she had her vote and gives her a kiss. Rather generous considering all that ongoing snarky attitude Joey gave her about the affair. Maybe that awkwardness has worn off? …or maybe the writers just forgot about it. Who knows?

Mrs. Leery leaves and Dawson and Joey get cozy and Jen watches and looks crushed. That girl really needs to get a grip. You didn’t want him earlier that day! How fickle.

NOooooooOoooOoo!

NOooooooOoooOoo!

Anyway, Dawson’s telling Joey in a very roundabout way that he’s attracted to her now. Which is what Joey’s been waiting for all this time. And because she’s incapable of being happy, she says there’s something not right about the whole thing. And then Dawson’s like, I thought this was what you wanted.

OKAY, wait. His whole thing was how they were just friends and stuff. Now he’s basically admitting to knowing her feelings all this time? Shit, he opened this episode prodding Joey about, “Isn’t it instinctual when you want a guy (AKA me)?” Oh, man. Douche!

Anyway, back to Joey. She doesn’t seem surprised Dawson knew about her feelings. However, she is upset that Dawson is finally seeing her physical beauty now that she’s made an effort towards it and she thinks he should have been more, I don’t know, cerebral about falling in love with her as a person without all that stuff. You know, Joey, that’s great. But he’s a teenage boy and they like shiny things.

Dawson wants to talk about this new buzzing romance between them and Joey’s like, nope! Now that you want me, I don’t want you because you might stop noticing me later. I can’t wait for you to process that now you like me! And just like that, in a verbal swirl of over-analysis, she’s gone and Dawson is left wondering what the fuck just happened.

Pacey approaches Hannah outside and offers sincere condolences for her third place finish, which Hannah accepts. She then opens up about her less-than-stellar home life in which her family pays her no attention. The two laugh over their crummy families and my guess is that bonding moment is the last we’ll see of Hannah.

Outside the Leery house, Jen asks Dawson how his news coverage went, but his mind’s really on other things. She then jumps right in, tells Dawson she doesn’t know why she dumped him in the first place and asks for another chance. Dawson didn’t see that coming. He’s shocked and actually not that interested now that he has some Joey to muse over. Jen leaves with a flea in her ear.

What the hell?

What the hell?

The episode closes with Joey looking at herself in the mirror, the song she sang in the baby voice playing till the credits.

Most Verbose Articulation: Dawson: Except, I’m afraid, your God-given ability to relieve yourself standing up has rendered you ineligible.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 1, Episode 11–The Scare (AKA domestic violence comes to Capeside)

Ugh, why this one? I hate this one. Have always hated it. Like, more than the others.

Tonight the gruesome twosome is watching I know what you did last summer…Or whatever scary movie Buffy is in.

As soon as they turn off the movie the news is on and they are talking about the lady killer. CLEARLY Dawson and the gang have never seen this.

Can't we watch this instead?

Can’t we watch this instead?

They bicker and then Dawson takes off while Joey talks to herself.  The first place she looks for him is under the bed, and he pops out wearing a Jason mask and she craps herself. Then (purely platonic) tickling. Nothing new.

boo

Boo!

Roll credits

Pacey and Dawson are walking the halls, and Pacey drops the convenient factoid that Dawson’s parents are gone this weekend. Dawson cries about Jen and his life in general, and Pacey thinks a serial killer plus Friday the thirteenth is like such an opportunity. Then some laughing rubber head pops out of Pacey’s locker and Dawson says SUCKER (that was worth the price of admission).

Football Cliff is asking Jen out by dissing her ex. She defends him a little bit, but then agrees. Joey finds a rubber snake and pitches it n Jen’s direction. Jen blames Dawson, and Joey says he’s dead.

Pacey tells Joey she will probably get serial killed. Jen says she feels SORRY FOR THE GUY BECAUSE HE’S JUST LOOKING FOR LOVE. Gawd, we get it, already. Can’t you people give it a rest? She’s a bleeding heart liberal. Maybe she should give the guy a hug and a BJ and see if he stops slitting women’s throats and removing their still beating hearts.

Dawson announces that he is having a séance. Jen spills that she can’t come because she has a date with Cliff and Dawson and her are weird. Pacey almost chokes on a gross bloody rubber finger Dawson put in the guy’s lunch, and Jen is mad that Dawson isn’t trying to fuck with her. Then Joey almost eats the finger too. They all apparently suffer from the same congenital defect that wipes out your sense of different texture.

Film class: Cliff asks Dawson for dating advice. Classy move, brah: Why not take this opportunity to rub your balls in the ex’s face?

Jen gets a note that says “You are going to DIE! TONIGHT!!” She tells Cliff it must just be Dawson threatening her life with a surplus of punctuation. Then she makes a worried face when he is all “Good enough for me. Check ya later, maybe.”

DIE

DIE

Now Jen is getting a creepy phone call. ANOTHER SCREAM REFERENCE, YO. She keeps calling him Dawson and says not to bother eating her heart because it’s dented. Wah. Next she’s running around wielding a butcher knife while dude on the phone drops hints so she will believe he has been there. Then grams is home and guy on phone gets scared off, and says “SOOON JENNIFER”

Scream

Scream

Joey is at Dawson’s house for more shrieks and tickles. Pacey picks them up in a wood panelled station wagon. Dawson insults Pacey’s driving, and Pacey can’t turn off the car because, oops, he has hotwired it. So Joey has to sit in the car and they don’t even crack a window for her.

Some random couple is beating each other at the convenience and both calling the other WENCH. Crazy lady comes over and makes friends and offers to buy them booze. oops—scratch that steal them booze.

latest disposable female character

latest disposable female character

Some weirdo with round glasses asks Joey for directions. And he stares at her and says her eyes are piercing. He talks about a hotel and asks if she lives nearby. Then Dawson comes over and tells her not to talk to strangers (This is before the other stranger they met at the store hops in the car).

Don't talk to strangers, esp skinny George Costanza lookalikes

Don’t talk to strangers, esp skinny George Costanza lookalikes

Pacey mispronounces the name of the stolen wine (some people have no class, jeeze). Pacey invites the bride of Jerry Springer to the séance and she agrees in a hurry because her boyfriend is coming to pound on her some more. They drive away as he pounds on the window.

Cliff comes by, and bad news for Cliff’s wang because Grams just loves him and says he’s a total catch (who also goes to church). Cliff announces, surprise, their date is at her ex bfs house.

Gang all watches crazy lady be a hot mess.

what the ...

what the …

She goes to the fridge to get ice…To put in the nice cab that she stole. Sorry, Creek writers, I can put up with a lot of your bullshit, but ice in red wine? You aren’t even trying anymore.

Jen gets mad at Dawson for threatening her life, and he’s like not my style biatch.

They address the plot hole head on: Cliff says to Dawson it’s not weird to hang out with an ex, it’s confident.  Then Jen asks Joey if it’s weird and she’s like nah, we all thought it would be more fun if we could figure out a way for you both to get in on this week’s hijinks.

Séance time.

ikea

Nice light up table. You get that at IKEA?

Weird lady says she’s good at channeling the dead. They talk about lady killer and how he likes notes and phone calls. And everyone is like waaait, Jen got a phone call wtf.

Then Cliff tells a dead baby icebreaker.

Then crazy lady tells a story about a killer crazy lady that sounds exactly like her. Then the lights go out. Jen goes to call the electric company and phone is out too. Joey calls him Doofus Dawson (I can’t believe I just had to look up the spelling of that word).

Then Joey accuses Pacey of having mommy issues, and then he disses her for liking Dawson.

A noise!

Something swingy and sharp looking happens.

Cliff jumps out and scares Jen. Then they find a scary bloody mirror with writing on it in the closet.

Crazy bitch roots around in her purse, and Dawson’s afraid she’s gonna slice him. She tells tasteless jokes and stories, and says love is a really complicated bitch.

She has an “extra-circular sensory thing”, and reassures Dawson he will get back together with his ex (oh snap, she thinks that’s Joey).

Dawson admits he frigged with the power, but someone frigged with his frigging so now he’s got his panties in a bunch.

Dead Joey falls out of a closet and Dawson screams while someone in the scream mask tries to stab him.

Dead Joey

Dead Joey

Turns out: just a funny by Jen and Joey.

Dawson is like take the shit out of your ears Jen, I did not do all those scary things. It was prolly the lady killer. And Jen is sad she didn’t get pranked. They have a tender moment with music. They just about kiss and Jen is all, oops I did it again. See ya.

Pacey takes a run at crazy girl but she’s distracted by her ex bf breaking in the house and trying to beat the shit out of everyone. And they are in trouble because there is no phone line and it’s the 90s, so no one has a cell phone.

Crazy dude is in the house, and Joey almost kills him and then he is sorry and curly hair is sorry and she loves him and will take him home and she says these kids are weird (but they can come see her at her work for discounted bowling shoes).

Cliff walks Jen home and he says even though the scares were Dawson’s idea, Cliff executed it all, so props to him. Jen tells him not to try to be a Dawson knock off.

Grams walks in on the tonsil hockey and is like enjoy each other’s tongues, see ya!

THEN she says Cliff is “good stock” eew.

Joey and Dawson talk about whether Dawson would be sad if Joey died. And he’s like damn you are stupid. Quit fishing for compliments and she’s like fine don’t be sad if I die and he’s like I have a huge boner for you that would eventually go away if you died and Joey says I feel exactly the same way about you, Dawson.

They decide to chill and watch some tv, and HAHA OMG the lady killer is on the news and it is the guy who was talking to Joey at the store. I have offing goosebumps, I tell you.

I know this guy

I know this guy

MVA, Dawson: I love the adrenaline rush. Besides, horror films provide positive 
examples of ordinary people overcoming their worst fears and conquering evil.

Runner up, Joey: Save it for film class, Dawson. I mean these movies are unnecessarily 
violent and exploitive, and completely pointless to society.

Sooo…anyone watch Friends with better lives yet?   Will it fill the “Don’t trust the b…” sized-hole in my heart?

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 1, Episode 10 – Double Date

We start the episode out in Dawson’s room and he’s upset because since his breakup with Jen she hasn’t tried to make plans with him. Huh. Interesting complaint, young grasshopper. Joey calls him out for being in denial the relationship is over. She wants him to get off his ass and move on. She tells him everyone’s going to look at him differently since he’s been dumped (Thanks, Joey) and girls might feel sorry for him, then mentions Jen will see other guys, and that he’ll need to choose whether or not he can be friends with her.

And cue the theme (Not on Netflix today. Wooo original theme!)

We’re still at the Leery house and Mrs. Leery gets a phone call… from Bob. Ooooh. Ballsy there, buddy. Gail tells him they can talk about whatever it is at the office. Mitch ain’t too impressed. Gail defends him calling the house, after having made it clear his concerns could wait. She says, “He didn’t mean anything. You don’t have to be angry with him.” And I’m out. Nothing more in this conversation is going to be as rich with emotionally tone-deaf nonsense as that. And that’s saying something with this show.

Effing Bob!

Effing Bob!

Now we’re at Capeside High, flowing in loose-fitting ’90s fashion. Dawson runs into Jen, who immediately wants to know if they can still be friends. So far, Joey’s 1 for 3. Jen doesn’t get an answer. In class, Pacey thinks the relationship can be salvaged. He feels the way to accomplish this is to pretend to be over her.

I'm a temporary plot device!

I’m a temporary plot device!

A girl interrupts the conversation to say nothing important, Dawson says, “Hi Mary Beth,” and so it looks like this Mary Beth is going to play some sort of role in this episode because that’s how TV scripts work.

Back to Pacey, he’s telling Dawson that Jen needs to feel unspecial so that she’ll return to him in order to feel special. Playing Into Teenage Girl Insecurities 101. Dawson thinks it’s a great idea. Now the teacher comes in and publicly embarrasses Pacey, who obviously did shit on his midterms.

Pacey and the teacher are having a chat. The teacher thinks he’s smart but underachieving. He wants Pacey to do extra credit and he’ll pass him, and he wants him to do it with a partner. Which partner? Oh, look, here’s Joey. They don’t want to work together, surprise, surprise, which is so weird for two people who spend so much time together. Must be all that sexual tension because that’s also how TV scripts work.

Dawson talks to Jen at her locker and says he wants to be friends. He asks her if she has fun plans over the weekend. And now Jen says being friends is a bad idea. This girl is all over the place. She says she has a date with Cliff, which means two whole weeks of learning to be alone are over. And that Joey is 2 for 3. Dawson maintains some composure and says he too has a date and they’ll be at the same place Jen and Cliff are going, the carnival.

I'm gonna shit all over your date.

I’m gonna shit all over your date.

Jen thinks this is all very weird, and Dawson ups the ante by suggesting a double date. Jen hesitantly agrees to this.

In the cafeteria, Pacey resumes sharing his plan for Dawson to get Jen back. It involves dating other girls. And look, it’s Mary Beth. Dawson asks her out and MB is concerned about saying yes because she knows he just had a breakup. He says he’s ready, which is quite the fib.

Pacey and Joey are doing their lab work and Pacey’s bored, calling it fascinating. Joey says it’s not supposed to be fascinating, it’s supposed to be educational, as though the two were mutually exclusive. They bicker and insult each other. The usual.

Effing Bob.

Effing Bob.

Back at the Leery house. Mitch wants to check in with Dawson about any untoward Bob phone calls. Dawson says no, and doesn’t seem keen on this conversation.

Morning at Capside High and the snails from Joey and Pacey’s extra credit assignment are dead. Pacey dropped the ball and Joey’s pissed. Pacey then details how he tanked their last chance at a decent grade: He came in, added food and more water, then thought the snails just didn’t like each other. Joey butts in with some crucial info that they’re single sex and can reproduce on their own. Pacey says he doesn’t listen to Joey when she talks. Well then.

D'uh, snails having a threesome.

D’uh, snails having a threesome.

Anyhoo, his idea was to create a menage a trois for the male snail (Though there was no male snail) in the hopes it would make the snail randy. No joke, this was his plan. But turns out the super sexy snail he picked to join the tank was carnivorous and that explains the lack of snails in the tank. Pacey apologizes and asks how he can make it up to her.

Now Joey and Dawson are walking along the creek and Joey’s got a net and is telling Dawson she’s disappointed in him for using Mary Beth. Dawson admits it’s shitty but isn’t going to cancel the date. They share a weird moment that could almost be romantic if Dawson didn’t have the social IQ of house cat, and then Pacey drives along and honks at Joey to move her ass, there’s snails to catch.

At the carnival, Mary Beth meets up with Dawson, and they have the sort of awkward greeting that can only be had when one party is romantically interested and the other party is just pretending to be. And then come along Cliff and Jen. And looks like Dawson kept the details of the double date to himself and MB is left wanting a private chat with her date.

Mary Beth calls him out in blunt fashion, and says it’s obvious he still wants Jen. Dawson denies it, but after some pressing he says, “Here’s the absolute truth,” and we’re no longer privy to the conversation.

Romance at a snail's pace. Womp womp.

Romance at a snail’s pace. Womp womp.

Pacey and Joey are now rowing in what would be a very romantic setting, and are picking up their bickering where they left off. Pacey wants to know why Joey needs extra credit to begin with. Joey gives up nothing and they continue their majestic snail expedition.

Back at the carnival, Mary Beth is relating their past conversation for the audience’s benefit: Dawson is there at Jen’s request to make her more comfortable on her date with Cliff. MB believes this crap, or does she? Either way, she’s game to see this date through, for whatever reason.

Joey and Pacey are snailing around and since Pacey didn’t tie up the boat, it’s now floating away.

Cliff and Dawson are now playing a carnival game that actually doesn’t appear to be rigged. Cliff wins and Mary Beth suggests a ferris wheel ride. Nope. Dawson wants to continue to compete against Cliff with this silly game. But look at that, Dawson won. But then he pulls a dick move and instead of giving the stuffed animal to his date, he hesitates, looks at Jen and tells Mary Beth they need to talk. Jesus.

Pacey and Joey are now wading through the water, arguing with big words and complex sentence strings. When they get to the truck, Pacey tells Joey to get undressed and wear a blanket. After an angry outburst, she caves. Pacey quickly disrobes and throws on one of the two blankets he just so happens to keep handy. He hops in the truck to give Joey privacy.

And then some funky porno-esque rock music starts to play and Pacey watches Joey change through the rear view mirror. He sees little, but seeing as the internet is only in its early stages, he’s taking what visuals he can get.

That's some sweeeet back.

That’s some sweeeet back.

Joey gets in the truck and Pacey’s smirking. Joey wants to know what his problem is and he says she’s fun. A little nudity and their relationship blossoms.

Back at the carnival, Mary Beth’s in the parking lot eating popcorn. And that’s weird because Dawson last said, “We need to talk.” So… she went and bought popcorn alone and went to hang out by herself on a car trunk until Dawson found her? I don’t understand this narrative.

Well, this makes no sense, but sure.

Well, this makes no sense, but sure.

She says she’s embarrassed and Dawson tells her all her suspicions were true. She says she didn’t really like Dawson all that much anyway, only felt sorry for him and then reveals a crush on Cliff (Making Joey 3 for 3) and since Cliff is hugely into Jen, she’s bummed out. But now that they’ve bonded over unrequited love, she thinks they can help each other out. And this translates into separating Cliff and Jen at the ferris wheel. I really don’t see this plan panning out. It’s about as inspired as throwing a few snails together in hopes they’ll have a snail orgy.

At Joey’s place, Pacey gets some of Body’s dry clothes and he asks again about Joey needing extra credit. He pushes and finds out she scored a 98. She’s angling for a scholarship and that’s why she wants the extra credit. And now Pacey is all supportive. Seriously, all this kindness started happening after watching her change.

I'm making things awkward.

I’m making things awkward.

At the carnival, MB and Dawson’s plan is going terribly. Mary Beth is making terrible small talk with Cliff and Dawson is fishing for info about Jen’s date. And now Jen doesn’t want to be friends. Dawson then takes her to task, saying she wanted to be alone so what the hell’s she on a date for? She has no good reason and so Dawson surmises the breakup wasn’t about self discovery, but just her not wanting him anymore.

But he still makes one last go of declaring his love. It doesn’t take and a sad Jann Arden song croons on.

Dawson’s alone on a bench now. Joey and Pacey seem to have made their way to the fair, and I guess that lab project no longer needs their imminent attention. Pacey asks for a private audience with Dawson. He wants “permission” to pursue Joey. Dawson is incredulous at first, and then totally cool about it.

I don't want Joey. I don't want Pacey to be with Joey. I do want Joey. No, I don't...

I don’t want Joey. I don’t want Pacey to be with Joey. I do want Joey. No, I don’t…

And boom, just like that, not cool with it.

Oh, but now he is again. Go ahead, Pacey. Pacey leaves before there can be any more objections and Dawson’s left standing there looking like he’s a man of regrets.

Pacey drives Joey home and quickly puts the moves on her. And he gets shot down hard. But he explains far too eloquently for a teenage boy his attraction for Joey, who seems flattered, but is otherwise not interested. Before she goes in, Pacey references her feelings for Dawson.

Being obtuse is tiring.

Being obtuse is tiring.

And speaking of Dawson, he’s lying restlessly in bed and leaps out and rushes down the stairs. The phone is ringing, his parents are embracing in the next room, and no one is answering the phone because it’s probably that darn Bob again.

Dawson marches into the video store, where Pacey’s working, and tells him no, he’s changed his mind again, he doesn’t want Pacey to pursue Joey. Pacey says he’s too late and he and Joey have sexy plans for the future. Dawson says he’s full of shit and Pacey says yes he is. But then he tells Dawson to cut the crap and admit he likes Joey and make some choices.

Most Verbose Articulation: Joey: “Wait a second, you’re taking romantic advice from a guy who spent his evening trying to get three snails to sleep with each other?”

(That actually wasn’t the wordiest thing said by far, but it made me laugh.)

Jen’s up next with episode 11

-Jenn

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 1, Episode 9 – Roadtrip

Dawson is listening to Truly Madly Deeply, and mooning out the window trying to catch a glimpse of Jen changing.

Need moar binoculars

And Joey goes to switch on a movie, which is queued to a scene that seems to get tons of play in Dawson’s bedroom.

I've seen this one before

I’ve seen this one before

Next, ex-bf Billy plays the ladder trick and Grams finds Billy in bed. Grams threatens to call the National Guard.

Billy in bed

Billy in bed

Billy says he heard Jen was single, so he thought he’d sniff her ass some more. Jen shoots him down. He sneers, and I’m afraid he might cry and then his eyeliner will run, but then he says something bitchy about gas money (BUDDY, you don’t know the half of it—how much was gas back then, like 40 cents a litre?).

Then Billy decides to ask Dawson to go on a roadtrip so they can play ex-wives club.

Next scene, some jock in a jeep tries to pick up Joey as she is walking to school, and since he knows who Ted Bundy is, she decides she oughta hop in. Then he hits on her and she shoots him down. Then he says she’s obviously a virgin, and she’s like, yeah, by choice so there.

He totally reminds me of Andrew Keegan, no?

He totally reminds me of Andrew Keegan, no?

Dawson takes Billy to school so he can turn in his math homework, and Pacey decides he too would like to cut class to go to a nightclub. They run into Jen and Joey, and Jen says she doesn’t like when her one ex drags her other ex down. Billy spills that he is taking Saint Dawson to a whore house.

And Jen has already heard a rumour that Joey slept with Warren (the Andrew Keegan look-alike who took her to school 12 seconds ago).

Boats and gulls and a ferry. Pacey and Dawson (it’s short for JACK DAWSON, BITCHES) are standing at the edge of the boat making foreplay, talking about what a saint Dawson is, and that Pacey is the devil.

Joey confronts football guy, who says the rumour is win-win because boinking him would represent her ascent to the major leagues, but she is still pissed. So he screams I NEVER SAID I WOULD BE YOUR BOYFRIEND and the whole room goes …ohhhhh and Joey bolts and Jen chases her. Jen says she never believed the rumour BECAUSE she pictured Joey banging a sensitive guy (like her ex Dawson maybe) instead of football dudes. Jen wants revenge, and Joey says in the absence of a voodoo doll she will try Jen’s payback.

Back on the boat. Pacey says that Dawson is his angel on his shoulder and Billy walks away because this shit is boring.

Pacey keeps talking about how they should not talk and instead just be. Then they want to stop some drunks from bothering a little old lady, so Dawson channels American Graffiti and I don’t know what that is, and don’t feel like Googling.

Abby is back and bugging Joey, who does an excellent job of fake crying. She says yes they DID, and he cried the first time they bumped nasties, and Joey says she is preggo and that Warren told her to go eff herself. And Abby is suddenly all girl power and she storms off to go castrate him.

shocked and appalled

shocked and appalled

Dawson is casually hanging out under a vehicle with some big hook thingie. Pacey is sitting in a convertible with Billy looking cool, and then moons the drunks as they disembark, and a chain rips the rear wheels off the asshole truck.

Dawson is king of the world

Dawson is king of the world

Now they are at a packed nightclub in what only can be the middle of the day. But no, cut to an outdoor shot, and really it is night.

just a bunch of kids in a nightclub

just a bunch of kids in a club called club

It is still daytime in Capeside, I guess. Mrs. Tringle takes Joey aside so she can talk to her about the teen pregnancy and mention that she thinks Joey should carry around a sack of flour to prepare for the miracle of childrearing.

Someone filled bozo’s locker with baby shoes and crap like that.

real funny, guys

real funny, guys

At the bar Dawson picks a chick because her shirt says film-something-or-other on the back. He strikes out, but keeps going, and rants about how dumb it is to try to pick up a chick. He tells her all his faults, and I’m distracted because she has the voice of an old woman.

Dawson cougar hunting

Dawson cougar hunting

Joey goes to Jen to say she should call the whole thing off, and accuses Jen of using her to take out her rage on the men of the world.

Jen says Joey is just scared because now there is no one to blame for Dawson not loving her: Now it’s not going to be Jen’s fault, it’s just going to be because of Joey’s dog face.

Dawson is talking movies with old-lady-voice (Nina). Billy comes over to be a dick, She suggests they get out of there. And Billy is like “You’re welcome”

Dawson gets nervous because he thinks he is going to get a piece, and she is like hells to the no, I am going home alone. She says, so you can impress your friends you can come watch movies and they will think you did me all night instead, and Dawson is like, sorry, I still want Jen so I’d rather go jerk off. She takes it well. And gets in her car to drive home. Pretty sure drunk driving laws were a thing in the ’90s, but whatever. 

Abby tells Jen that Warren was too impotent to get Joey laid, and Jen tells Joey and her eyes go buggy and she smiles.

impotence is super funny

impotence is super funny

Bar boy talk: Billy and Dawson fight. Dawson figures out that Billy wanted him to screw that girl so he coud tell Jen. Then Billy strands them in whatever town they are in and Pacey is like thanks a fucking lot for that, Dawson.

Warren and Joey: I hear you can’t get it up, so you had better deny that shit you have been spreading. Warren says he is actually a nice guy, and can they go on a real date please and Joey is like, get fucked.

Dawson and Pacey wait for a bus in the rain.

Joey apologizes to Jen by throwing an icecream antisocial on her porch. Jen asks if they can keep Dawson from coming between us and Joey says, yeah, we can. He is only in love with one of us  (SIGH), and Jen is like, bitch please, he loves you, just wants to doink me. And Joey says that picturing Dawson being so male makes her nauseous.

Joey grills Dawson to see if he has an STD now, and he is like, can we talk after I get some sleep? She tucks him in and sits in a chair staring at him… Whispering, “Yeah, I can wait.”

Every breath you take. Every move you make. Every bond you break. Every step you take. I'll be watching you. Every single day. Every word you say...

Every breath you take. Every move you make. Every bond you break. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. Every single day. Every word you say…

Most Verbal Articulation: Pacey: “Generally speaking, you’re better at verbiage than actual verbs.”

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 1, Episode 8 – Boyfriend

We’re in the Leery house and Dawson is alone in bed and flipping through channels. Nature shows are boring, game shows are beneath him and apparently rink-a-dink Capeside has a lot of multicultural viewing options because he finds Spanish, Japanese and Lebanese TV shows. Very interesting for a geographical location whose demographic seems to boast all of one non-white person.

Moving along, he finds some scrambled porn, complete with moaning and bad funk music, and he seems confused that the “movie channel” isn’t working. So, it’s classic old movies for him. And here comes Joey through the window, complaining about sleep deprivation. Seems the new baby is crying at night. So Dawson offers her his bed to crash in and with no hesitation, Joey takes him up on it.

They start discussing Gary Cooper movies and Dawson is musing over how you can’t just be a well-intentioned guy that gets the girl anymore: Smart but not arrogant, and not too full of himself. He almost seems to believe he’s a modern day Gary Cooper, which ha ha ha! No. And within half a minute he’s put Joey to sleep.

Zzz...

Zzz…

It’s morning now in the Leery house and things are tense and robotic with the Mr. and Mrs. Probably something to do with the infidelity. There’s a reference to couple’s therapy, and when Dawson leaves his room it’s such a relief to his parents that they’re no longer alone together, it’s like Dawson is the second coming and they barrage him with requests. But he’s out of there. Mrs. Leery tries to restart the conversation, but no dice.

My dramatic life is too boring!

My dramatic life is too boring!

Cut to Pacey, who’s complaining about how boring Capeside is to some random old guy on a bench. There was just a hurricane and someone gave birth at his best friend’s house, but I guess that’s all old hat. He then walks onto the road without looking and into the path of a moving convertible, which doesn’t come close to hitting him, but Pacey leaps back all dramatically and hollers at him. It turns out to be some cool guy looking for the high school. Pacey gives directions, but then asks for a ride. Nope. Off he goes.

Back to Joey’s house and there’s conflict. Joey can’t blow dry her hair because Bodie’s in the bathroom. But wait, didn’t she sleep at Dawson’s? She said the “human alarm clock” kept her up all night and she couldn’t study for her Spanish test. Jesus, get some ear plugs or go to the library. And looks like Bess is already back at work because ‘Merica and I’m wondering who’s looking after the newborn baby, but no one says.

Now we’re at the high school and Dawson is helping Joey cram for Spanish, but Joey wants to talk about Jen instead, “So, where’s your girlfriend this morning?” Dawson gives Joey no juicy news and the bell rings. Jen shows up and they’re all cute, talking about bowling. Joey leaves and the cool guy Pacey met shows up and Jen looks like she totally knows him. She’s super flustered and ditches Dawson. And Joey never really left and sees Jen walk towards Mr. Cool.

And Jen is sooo not happy to see this guy, whose name is Billy. Sounds like her parents thought he was bad news. Ah! So this is one of her previous sexual partners. He says he drove all night to see her, and she says it was only four hours away. She tells him she’s changed. And Joey’s not the only one who lingered around because Dawson’s watching her from around the corner. And looks like Jen hasn’t changed that much because now she’s skipping math to go for a drive with Billy.

Just as those two leave for a sexy drive, here’s Cliff. Last time I saw him, Dawson was chewing him out at the dance and making an ass of himself. Cliff asks Dawson if he’s seen Jen, so he can invite her to a BBQ, and what the hell, Dawson, you can come too. “Oh, and does Jen have a boyfriend?” “Yes, Cliff, it’s me.” And here I am feeling a little bad for the back-to-back-to-back social dissing Dawson just got.

Well, this is socially uncomfortable.

Well, this is socially uncomfortable.

Mrs. and Mrs. Leery now are talking about activities to do together, and Mr. Leery is not very interested. He gets in a few shots and Mrs. Leery wants to know when he’ll stop punishing her. I don’t know how much time has passed in three episodes, but my guess is not long enough for this guy to be over it yet.

Now we’re back to Jen, who seems to have completely left school for the day because she’s back home, and she’s saying Capeside has been good for her and she wants Billy to leave. Billy seems to be a bad planner because he says he has no money and he’s too tired to drive and he wants a place to stay. It’s still morning, right? Dude, nap in your car and drive the four hours home.

And now Dawson shows up. Again, isn’t it still morning? Did he follow her? How else would he have known to go back to her house in the middle of the day?

Jen takes Dawson aside and asks if Billy can spend the night at his place. Dawson is understandably affronted. Jen, this guy’s bad planning ain’t your problem! Jen lets Dawson know this is the boy her parents caught her having sex with. Good sell, Jen.

Without yet getting an invitation, Billy goes to his car, gets out a duffle bag and dumps the strap over Dawson’s shoulder. What a bold asshole. Oh, Dawson. For his trouble, Jen gives him a kiss on the cheek. But a kiss isn’t going to make this better.

I'm a crummy girlfriend

I’m a crummy girlfriend

It’s evening now, and Billy’s in Dawson’s room, poking around his stuff, calling Jen “Jenny”, alluding to his not leaving tomorrow and generally needling Dawson. What finally gets Dawson off his seat in anger is when Billy starts messing with his ET doll. He then says he’s not leaving till Jen is his again and challenges Dawson to throw him out of the house. Then he takes it all back. This guy is a pyscho.

Now he’s asking Dawson if he wants any of the dirt on Jen, and Dawson says no. But Billy plants some seeds of curiosity and it looks like Dawson is getting worried.

Cut to Joey, who’s studying near a bassinet. Dawson barges in and without regard for the sleeping baby and Joey’s frantic hushing, he starts loudly bemoaning his current drama. Joey threatens to kill him, and they take their conversation to the other room, not far away with no separating wall, and talk in not-so-hushed voices.

Dawson fills Joey in on the news of Billy and she’s loving it and brushing off all his valid concerns. I dunno, wouldn’t any teenage boy not want to house their new girlfriend’s ex-lover? Dawson says he thinks relationship problems might be hereditary and Joey says they’re unoriginal issues and the town is full of them. Which sort implies that while Dawson’s problems are not special, the town itself is special for its dysfunction, which is just as narrow a view, but anyway.

Joey tells Dawson to ride it out and everything will be just fine, and with that pep talk, Dawson is good as new and he happily slams the door on his way out, waking the baby. Fucker.

Now it’s… the next day? I think so. It was night when Billy was at Dawson’s, then day time when he saw Joey, so it must still be the same day and it sounds like Billy is still, in fact, in Capeside.

So, Dawson wants to talk turkey. Does Billy still have feeling for Jen? She confirms he does, but then goes on to defend his being there: they never got to say goodbye, he was the only one who treated her with respect, etc. Again, good sell, Jen. Shit, she really knows how to say the wrong things to get people to see her side.

Dawson asks if she wants Billy back and she hesitates and now he’s pissed. He tells her about Cliff’s BBQ, says he wants them to go together and for Billy to get the hell out. Jen says she can’t just send him away, but… what? Uh, yeah she can. She can’t put him up for the night, and he can’t afford a hotel, which should settle it. But Jen seems to think it’s somehow Dawson’s obligation to house this guy against his own interests, which he does not want to do. She then asks Dawson to be fair to her, and I think she won the self-absorbed Olympics this episode.

Now we’re at the video store, Pacey’s working, and Joey needs to rent The English Patient. It’s apparently to put the baby to sleep because it fell asleep to that movie when it was on TV the other night. This was before Netflix, kids.

While at the video store, Joey is looking to gossip about the Billy situation and wonders whether Jen will go back to him. Pacey is onto her, and Joey makes a terrible show of hiding how bad she wants Jen and Dawson to break up. Pacey calls her on her bullshit, says this is exactly what she’s been waiting for, and Joey gets pissed and leaves.

Back at the Leery house, Mr. and Mrs. Leery are home from one of their joint activities and they’re fighting about Mr. Leery’s lack of participation. Dawson overhears and sadly closes the door.

At the Ice House, Joey is working tables and is getting impatient with an indecisive customer, who orders a coffee and then harasses her for it 10 seconds later. Pacey shows up and asks Joey to do something that night, a party specifically. After their last conversation, I don’t think he should expect much.

She turns him down flat, while talking about gross restaurant chores right in front of customers, who she’s aggressively clearing a table for. She’s a pretty crummy waitress. Pacey says Dawson will be at this party alone, Bess overhears and sends Joey away even though they’re swamped. You’d think the new mom with the full-time job would be the tired, stressed-out person in need of some me time, but nope. Pacey drags Joey away and Bess seems happy to see her go.

"Worst waitress ever!"

“Worst waitress ever!”

Mr. Leery comes into Dawson’s room to talk. He asks where Billy is and Dawson says she’s probably with Billy. He then complains about the perils of being a “Nice Guy”. UGH. Dawson’s dad gives some sage advice that life is pain and there’s no way around it, you just have to cope.

Cut to Jen and Billy at the waterfront and he’s incredulous that Jen would choose a guy who has an ET doll (Collection figure!) on his bed. He asks for one last kiss, which Jen grants on the condition he leaves. He gets a small peck and she walks away.

Now we’re at the big party, and it really is a big party. This small town certainly boasts a robust teenage population. Joey’s there with Pacey and she’s the Debbie Downer of the whole shebang. Pacey’s off to chat up some girl and Joey tries to damage his confidence first. And Dawson’s here and Joey’s happy.

They revel in what social outcasts they are and Dawson suggests they go rent a movie. Joey likes the idea, but first Dawson wants to get a drink, I guess? Jen meets him while he’s opening a pop bottle. She apologizes, he forgives her immediately and they walk off, leaving Joey in the lurch without an explanation. Ouch.

Let me romance you with booze.

Let me romance you with booze.

Joey’s still waiting for Dawson to come back and this Fabio wannabe starts hitting on her. She turns him down, citing Dawson, and Fabio points to Dawson and Jen walking down to the beach. And now Joey wants the drink from the stranger.

Jen is still apologizing about Billy, but then Billy shows up and shits all over her game. Dawson is fed up and wonders why this guy is still here. Billy gleefully spills the beans on the kiss and stirs up more drama.

Joey’s getting drunk and is dancing awkwardly and Pacey takes her drink away. Fabio comes back to claim Joey, calls her Chloe, and Pacey attempts to intervene. No go, Joey-Chloe leaves with Fabio.

Dawson’s demanding Jen say the kiss meant nothing, which Jen initially said it did, but now she’s saying Dawson has to understand that it’s a confusing situation. She’s really good at torpedoing this relationship. She stands there and lets Billy tell off Dawson, then Dawson insults Jen’s past, which upsets her (Quite convenient so she can turn this whole thing around on him now rather than deal with this mess). Dawson says he wants to know where he stands and to choose and Jen walks off and leaves them both. Billy’s happy enough to have busted up Jen’s thing with her new guy, and Dawson follows her.

Now Joey’s kissing Fabio and Pacey comes to save her from “serial rapist man”. There’s a confrontation and Fabio throws a sloppy punch that misses and Pacey knocks the guy out in one counterpunch. Dawson comes running over, no longer chasing Jen in favour of this new drama. Joey passes out on the sand and when Dawson runs over to her she thanks him and calls him her hero. Ass.

The two boys are now escorting Joey home, trying to be quiet as to not alert Bodie or wake the baby. Pacey runs ahead and steps on a squeaky toy in the baby’s room (Why is he in there?), wakes the baby, turns off the monitor, and tries to calm him by talking frantically and jostling him around in his crib.

Dawson lays Joey down on the couch and talks to her about what a hard week she’s had. Pacey meanwhile tries to put a bottle in the baby’s mouth. Where’d that come from? Was it just laying out? Dude, don’t feed the baby spoiled formula.

"This formula's been out allll night."

“This formula’s been out allll night.”

Dawson is now telling a passed out Joey how he feels about her while he strokes her face. She reaches up, brings his head down and kisses him.

Now Pacey’s telling the baby the plot of The English Patient. Yeah. The baby likes the movie and understands the storyline. Kid’s obviously a prodigy. Dawson comes back to get Pacey, who leaves, and the baby doesn’t cry. Yeah, why not.

At the Leery house, Dawson’s parents are discussing how badly the try-new-things approach is working. Mitch says he loves his wife still and is willing to try. He wants to do something small, like dancing. This guy is a real romantic.

Dawson and Pacey are now rowing back to Dawson’s from Joey’s house and Dawson tells Pacey she kissed him, but that she must’ve been confused. Pacey then tells Dawson that no way, she is in love with him. Then he pulls an oblivious move and describes his feelings for Joey: she gets him, always knows what he’s thinking and feeling and he feels great around her. But no, that’s not love, with Jen it’s love because it’s new, unknown and exciting and that is what love is.

Oh, teenagers.

Now Dawson’s back home and Billy’s packing up his stuff. He’s heading home, Jen’s given him the boot and he warns that he can be back in town in under four hours if Dawson screws it up.

Dawson looks out the window after Billy leaves and sees Jen hanging out on the dock. He goes to meet her and starts apologizing, even though, I dunno, seems Jen owes him a few apologies instead. She cuts him off and starts talking to him about his curiosity about her life in New York, and how there is no mystery because she’s the same person, the girl who has to be in a relationship. This sounds like a breakup.

I let that guy sleep in my room and you're dumping me?!

I let that guy sleep in my room and you’re dumping me?!

Yep, it’s a breakup. Dawson didn’t see that coming. And now he’s arguing with her, trying to talk her out of it. But no, she wants to be on her own for once and Dawson’s hurt. Jen says she’ll likely come crawling back and he’s like, nuts to you, you dysfunctional chick, and off he goes, but not without one last look at Jen.

And the background music is playing a sad song, the singer crooning “What have I done?” Subtle.

Joey: “Thank you, Satan, for completing this night of horrors by sending one of your disciples to finish me off.”

Jen’s up next and I’ll be back for 10!
Till then,
Jenn

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 1, Episode 7 – Detention

Blah blah the usual opening schtick. OMGGGG I want the ET doll. So freaking cute.

gimmegimmegimme

gimmegimmegimme

Joey schools Dawson that girls can be just as superficial as guys. Dawson argues for romance. Joey puts him down and says Dawson doesn’t like that because he has smaller “biceps” than Pacey. He disagrees, and then she like, oh yeah? Then how come Jen won’t do you? So he sulks and watches the movie again.

Goofy high school opening accompanied by the appropriate: Stupid by The Chickenpox.

Joey’s doing a presentation and some bag of dicks keeps interrupting, asking stupid questions about concubines “doinking” the shogun.

Now Pacey is telling Jen they used to call Dawson oompa loompa (they may have had a point). Dawson gets his panties in a bunch over the basketball jokes and keeps bugging Jen about it even after Pacey has left.

Then Dawson fixates some more about what Pacey said and tricks him with “Jen already told me.” And all I can focus on is why are those lockers so filthy? It looks like when an alien explodes on Doctor Who.

over his right shoulder

over his right shoulder

Jen’s class is discussing euthanasia, and (shocker) Jen’s view goes against the teacher’s (and God’s) opinion, and this is not permitted, especially when she’s in a classroom with an American flag over his shoulder. She says life’s a bitch. Teach: This is not Times Square. She gets detention. Do we all see where this is going yet?

Dick bag cuts in front of Joey and he sexually harasses her (all in good fun). She knees him in the junk and smashes her tray on his face in retaliation and whaaat…? Joey Potter is detention bound too. Dick bag is free to go reoffend.

the jacket helps us identify him as a dick

the jacket helps us identify him as a dick

Pacey challenges Dawson to a one-on-one so he can impress the cheerleaders. Dawson’s mad Pacey is winning, and prances off, Pacey calls him Oompa Loompa so then he whips the ball at Pacey’s face and Pacey bleeds all over helpful cheerleaders. Dawson has detention.

DETENTION

DETENTION

Cue Saturday by Colony. Dawson and Jen are walking down the hall to detention. Dawson cries that neither deserve to be here, and Jen is all bitch please, I was engaging in intellectual debate, but you broke your best friend’s nose.

you trippin?

you trippin?

A very banged up Pacey is sitting at the detention table. Dawson: How’s your nose? 
Pacey: Broken, thanks. Pacey won’t say why he is in detention.

Takes a lickn', and keeps on tickin'

Takes a lickn’, and keeps on tickin’

Enter Abby Morgan (A girl “from hell”), who sees the gang and says, “Oh great, it’s Howdy Doody time” I feel you, Abby. Also—Dawson might look more like Howdy Doody than Oompa Loompa. Librarian tells Abby to shut up, and tells the group to prepare for penance.

Image

…Dawson…is that you?

Joey shows up….dressed as Charlie Brown.

Good grief

Good grief

Abby offers up some gum and the punch line is yeah right. Then she asks Pacey if he got into a car accident while picking his nose, and other irritating one liners that I think are supposed to be funny.

Abby tries to figure out why everyone is there and calls them all violent offenders. She won’t tell why she’s there and then says it was a drug-fuelled orgy.

It’s 10 a.m. when Dawson admits this is all a not-at-all-veiled reference to Breakfast Club. Jen says the movie stunk and what happened to those actors. Dawson (in a chilling foreshadowing for most actors on screen currently) says they mostly faded into obscurity.

The original

The original

What we get stuck with

What we get

Pacey delivers the line: No way! Emilio Estevez, he was in those Duck movies, remember? God, those were classics. So funny! What? And as far as I’m concerned, this show can pack up and go home, because it will never be funnier than this moment.

PACEY YOU ARE SO META

PACEY YOU ARE SO META

Abby demands a bathroom break. Then at 11 declares “I’m so bored.” That makes two of us, Abby, that makes two of us. Abby wants to play games, Pacey suggests pin the tail on the ho-bag (HOW did I convince my mother to let me watch this show? We weren’t allowed to watch the Simpsons, but this made it through the censors?).

Abby convinces them to play truth or dare. Pacey won’t answer why he is in detention as truth, so instead he frenches his best friend’s girlfriend. Joey is obviously thrilled, then she won’t say who she likes, and instead must make out with Dawson. This shit would not have flown in my friend group without, like, bloodsport resulting, but I guess maybe we were square.

Joey is busy picturing her future Dawson babies. Abby breaks in with Earth to dimwit, and Joey demands to know if Jen is attracted to Dawson. Jen loses her temper and says “Maybe if you quit dwelling on me and Dawson you would have a boyfriend of your own.” Abby calls someone a lesbian–prolly Joey, but I blanked out a bit.

Dawson dares everyone to follow him for a jail break. Jen decides the group should play guess my butt.

But….why?

But… why?

Dawson and Pacey squabble over Dawson being jealous and Dawson tells him he isn’t good at anything. So they have a basketball off. If Dawson wins, Pacey has to say why he is in detention.

Jen wonders why the guys need to compete over everything, and Abby points out that she is a hypocrite. And when Joey insults Jen again and Jen’s like “Get fucked, what did I ever do to you? I’m not trying to get you to like me anymore,” Abby states the obvious that Joey is in love with Dawson. Jen makes a face like she didn’t put it together until now. Joey gets pissed off that Jen is so nice, and Jen apologizes and promises to act more like a wench.

Abby notices the time, and during the distraction Dawson gets a second cheap shot in.

Very Breakfast Club-like running montage.

WHY couldn't they do the groovy dance thing instead??

WHY couldn’t they do the groovy dance thing instead??

BUSTED

She's not amused

She’s not amused

Abby says they were hungry. Librarian dumps all the cards on the floor (that’s how you used to have to find a book in the library). Says if they don’t get them sorted by 5 they all have detention again. Abby won’t help because she has “carpel tunnel syndrome”.

Librarian busts Abby for being in there for excessive tardies. Pacey and Dawson squabble some more. Dawson says Pacey would do anything for sex. Dawson cries about how much he hates being called an Oompa Loompa. Pacey is touched, which leads him to confess why he was in detention… because coach busted him whacking off in the mens.

Blah blah blah Dawson is sorry—it’s all Jen’s fault for not screwing him and thereby screwing his confidence. Jen says she wants him, and bawls about how everyone hates her because she’s from NY. Says she wants him badly. Dawson says he thinks about fucking Jen 1,000 times a day and Joey looks like she’s gonna vomit. Dawson apologizes to Pacey, Pacey apologizes to Dawson and why the hell is this all still going on? Joey pipes in and bitches about the sex obsession. PAINFUL confession where Joey bawls for realsies and says she has found the right person and I think I want to cry and vomit now too.

Librarian: detention is over.

Everyone just sits there looking as gobsmacked as I feel.

Most verbose Articulation goes to Dawson for: Well, Anthony Michael Hall developed some weird thyroid condition, Molly Ringwald lost her gawky ingenue appeal and the rest are languishing somewhere in TV hell.

Runner up: No runner up…this episode was mostly a string of one-liners. ZING!