Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 2, Episode 21 – Parental Discretion Advised

Dawson and Joey are lying in Dawson’s bed, watching a lovey old-timey movie no teenage boy would ever choose to see, and Dawson’s like, I can’t watch anymore unrequited love shit, it’s too torturous. Obviously being dumped has given him a mad case of PTSD, poor soul. Joey’s like, I get off on unrequited love because being miserable forever is romantic. Dawson, run your over-sensitive ass away from this cold-ass chick.

They debate this, and Dawson takes the fairly healthy mental view of shouldn’t love make you happy? And Joey takes the dark road of love making you miserable and loving from afar is great. Well, that view point explains a lot. She assures Dawson they’ll have a happy ending, but I’d be doubting her tragic-happy ass right about now.

My hobbies include breaking hearts.

My hobbies include breaking hearts.

In the Leery kitchen, Dawson is asking his mom indirectly about what to do regarding Mr. Potter and the bag of drugs. Gail gives advice: Either tell your loved one about their shitty loved one doing shitty things– or confront the shitty loved one directly. No where in there is minding your own business, and Gail does not inquire further into this intrigue and starts talking about her estranged husband.

Basically, because Mitch hasn’t come back, she’s going to Philadelphia.

Dawson’s picking up Joey at her place and quite conveniently she needs to pop back in the house while Mr. Potter is moseying up to the front door. Now’s your chance, Dawson. He drops a hint and Potter then offers up the Ice House as a study spot to Joey and her friends. Dawson gives Joey’s dad the same look Joey used to give Dawson’s mom.

Screen Shot 2014-09-22 at 12.00.30 AM

F U, sir

At the school, Jen and Jack are chatting and Jen’s talking about her paper on teen suicide, alluding she has plenty to say on the topic. Jack, not unfamiliar with angsty girls who have mental problems, takes this very seriously. But look! There’s Grams, and she’s at the school, wanting Jen to come home.

I just thought this was a funny freeze frame.      AHHHH!

I just thought this was a funny freeze frame.

Jen’s not wanting this, “I have a home now.” You’d think she might want to run this by Jack first, no? I mean, does he think this is permanent? Jen’s like, I left for a reason! And she and a very uncomfortable-looking Jack go in the school.

Pacey’s dad is giving him a ride to school and Pacey hears on the police radio that the Ice House is under surveillance. Sheriff Whitter tells Pacey to mind his own business and not screw up his final exams. Pacey tells his dad to be more positive and his dad says ever since Andie left, Pacey’s been acting like a dick. Dang teenagers being all moody after breakups, amiright?

Dawson meets up with Pacey and we learn Andie hasn’t called Pacey yet.

Everyone in class now is opening up their exams, except Pacey who’s just laying his head down. Dude, get a grip. Being an asshole is one thing, but this is just stupid.

At the Ice House, Dawson approaches Mr. Potter and reveals he knows. He tells him to pull up his socks and stop trafficking cocaine through the family business. Potter’s like, I’m stuck. Dawson says unstick yourself.

At the Leery house, Gail and Mitch are finally hammering out some details about Gail moving and taking this new job.  But wait! Gail’s leaving tomorrow. Okay, shit, what? That’s abrupt. Who the hell decides to move and does it the next day when they have a kid?

Gettin' rowdy

Gettin’ rowdy

At the Ice House, everyone is studying and Sheriff Whitter walks in, wonders what Pacey is doing there (Because he’s actually studying, or because this is Capeside’s new drug den?) and he wants to talk to Joey’s dad, who he’s on a comfy first-name basis with. They leave the room to talk privately.

Whitter shows Potter a photo of the guy he’s dealing drugs with and asks him some questions. Potter’s like, I dunno. Joey pops in to break up the questions and the Sheriff leaves. Joey wants to know what’s going on and her dad offers up no info.

So now Joey think her dad’s being unfairly harassed by Pacey’s dad and talks to Dawson about it, who weakly defends the sheriff and then caves to Joey’s womanly wiles.

In the back room, Joey’s dad is going through his bag of drugs and looking all conflicted.

Jack and Jen are talking about Grams, and Jack thinks she wants to reconcile. Jen’s like, n’ah. Jack thinks Grams really wants her back, and Jen says, “But I don’t want to go back.” Uh… So, she’s really got some entitlement issues, eh? Jack graciously says no one’s making her go back, but still tries to talk about Gram’s point of view.

My plan is to live off you indefinitely.

My plan is to live off you indefinitely.

Jen’s like, I thought we were close! You want me to leave! And Jack tells her, yes, we are close, but turning my words around on me is bull. And shit around here is bad too, ’cause dad’s going to have to sell the house, and then we’ll both be out of a place to live. Then Jen basically threatens to kill herself. I’m not even kidding: “Well, then I will put myself out of my misery.”

Come to think of it, this isn’t the first time she’s made threats like this when she didn’t get her way.

Jack’s properly horrified and Jen tells him she’s moving out that night, then stomps off. He doesn’t try and stop her, probably because between coming out, his dad abandoning him, his mother and sister both losing their minds, he’s got no time for this drama. I don’t know where she stormed off to, because they’re at the Ice House. Also, where is everyone else? Conveniently missing from the table for no apparent reason?

At the Ice House, someone throws a Molotov cocktail inside and the place lights up.

Outside, Pacey argues with his dad, first about not taking his finals, and then about him being at the the Potter’s Ice House and making the Sheriff look bad. The argument results in a smack in the face from father to son.

Inside the Ice House, Mike Potter is watching the flames and scrambling over the big bag of drugs. Down the toilet they go. Meanwhile, the kids are still studying inside, but they don’t seem to be his priority at present.

Like nothing happened.

Like nothing happened.

And there are Jen and Jack calmly studying together again. I guess Jen didn’t rush back to pack up her shit like her tantrum implied. Anyway, they all smell fire and Joey rushes back to find her father. He hollers at her to get back (so he can finish flushing his drugs), and outside the Whitters see the fire and the Sheriff calls it in. Dawson drags Joey away from the flames while she screams for her dad.

Dawson then grabs a fire extinguisher, and the Sheriff is inside now. Jen stares stupidly and uselessly at the fire. Jack is like, WTF? and pulls Jen out.

D'uh... fire...

D’uh… fire…

Pacey Drags a screaming Joey out, while Dawson tries put out enough of the fire to clear a path to Mr. Potter. He then breaks the window to the back and gets him out. They all leave and the place is totally ablaze.

The kids are all watching the front door and Potter, Whitter and Dawson all emerge safe and sound. Joey embraces her dad and the fire truck sirens wail in the distance.

Once the responders are there, Dawson has words with Joey’s dad and tell him he needs to go to the police. Potter’s like, nope, can’t. Joey approaches and tells Dawson it’s his turn to get checked by the medics and calls him a hero. He’s cryptically evasive and then his parents arrive. Bess shows up with the baby. I know you were worried about them, but the place is still choking with smoke. Maybe not get so close to the cindering building with the infant?

Just hold your breath, sweet pea.

Just hold your breath, sweet pea.

Outside, Pacey and his dad having a fight. Pacey thinks his dad is an asshole for thinking Joey’s dad had anything to do with the arson. The Sheriff tells Pacey to go home and stop being stupid. They bicker a bit and then Pacey’s dad says it’s Pacey’s time of the month and Andie’s got a few screws loose. Pacey punches him in the face and gives him this epic speech about what a shithead he thinks his dad is, and then leaves.

At the Potters’, Bess and her dad are going over insurance papers and Joey wants to know why the police are so involved. Barring the fact that the police would be heavily involved in any acts of arson, she wants to make sure her dad doesn’t know anything about why it happened. He swears he doesn’t and she believes him.

At the Leery house, Dawson is talking to his parents about Joey’s dad and they’re telling him he needs to tell the police (Bet you wish you’d inquired a little further earlier, eh, Gail?) Dawson’s hesitant, but they insist. Dawson says he’s got another option he can explore, and he hops up and leaves. Yeah, like that would ever happen: “Okay, son! Let us know how your mysterious plan works out!”

At Jack’s place, he wants to know why Jen just stared into the fire and wants to know if her little suicide comments are real. She says no, but she thought about it when she looked at the flames. I’m not buying this at all. I mean, really, the only people who choose death by fire are either psychotic or monks trying to exact change in society, not whiny teenage girls who can’t get along with grandma. Yeah, her pal she kind of hated died in front of her, but I don’t think anyone’s ever set themselves on fire over such a thing.

Cryin' for some attention or help or something.

Cryin’ for some attention or help or something.

Good old resilient Jack, who’s endured way more shit in his life and is far more functional, gives her a supportive pep talk and a hug.

Dawson approaches Joey outside at her place near the docks, which means he didn’t boat there. Walk? Does he drive? Pfft, whatever.

Dawson rips off the band-aid: I caught your dad dealing drugs, he had something to do with the fire; I talked to both he and my parents about it, I didn’t want you to have to know, but it’s gone too far (What with the near-death experience and all, right?) Joey’s response? I don’t believe you, he swore to me and I believe him. Dawson asks her why he would lie to her about this, and she asks him, “Why are you doing this?”

He’s like, well, we almost died, this shit’s getting too dangerous. She’s mad at him and he’s like, it’s not my fault, and she’s like, YES it IS! You couldn’t leave well enough alone? You had to get involved?! Not sure what that means. I mean, he was nearly killed in a fire. How was that well enough left alone? Also, he got her dad out of said fire.

I recall Dawson reaming out Joey for not telling him about his mom’s affair, and now she’s upset with Dawson for telling her about her dad’s illegal activities. What we have here is a failure to communicate. Plus Joey’s fucking nuts.

Anyway, she basically says she’ll dump him if he tells the police and he’s like, okay. Actually quite noble with the “I care about you more than I care about myself” bit. But forcing someone’s hand to turn in their own dad never worked out well for anyone, so I think we’re heading into breakup number two.

At the police station, Sheriff Whitter says Potter’s drug competitors set the fire and either they can help bust them, or the competitors will help bust Potter. I doubt that’s a viable plan. I’ve seen Law & Order, man. Joey’s not liking any of this and doesn’t want to do it.

This is my surliest nope.

This is my surliest nope.

The sheriff tells Joey her dad’s going to get them all killed, and Joey’s like, nope, we need to stay together as a family, drugs be damned, screw you all. Dawson asks for some time alone with Joey, and everyone leaves the room, hoping he’ll talk some sense into her.

She’s pissed because she’s not being given any choices, and Dawson’s like, well, I tried to talk to your dad and he wasn’t cool with not being a drug lord. Joey starts talking about this being a grey area, but the only other options I see other than what Dawson tried are just letting him go on selling drugs through the family business, which I don’t think anyone would reasonably be prepared to do for obvious reasons. Joey’s furious with Dawson the way a slighted wife rages against the other woman rather than the shithead husband. It’s a normal reaction, especially for emotionally immature teenagers with daddy issues, but irritating all the same.

At the Leery house, Mitch and Gail are talking and all this crazy shit has made him realize he wants his family back. But Gail says it’s too late. She wanted this pretty much up until maybe a day ago, and now no? She says, yeah, I’m still leaving, but we may somehow find ourselves back in love one day. Huh. Cool plan.

At Gram’s house, Jen is coming up the steps with a bag of her stuff to the tune of Alanis’ That I Would Be Good. Grams is happy to see her, but Jen’s got conditions about moving back in, not that she really has other options at this point.

1. She wants to talk about how she never felt good enough living at Grams’ house. Which, okay, probably fair.

2. That Grams acknowledge Jen’s been through a lot, more than most girls her age. Uh… has she? Losing an ill grandparent and watching her frenemy die are challenging and sad, and promiscuity has not done her any favours, but I don’t know that puts her in the top percentage of sufferings for teenage girls. Shit, even in the main cast Joey and Andie win the suffering Olympics. She also wants support, not judgement, and to feel like a family instead of just having a legal guardian.

Grams is onboard. But what is number 3?

3. Jack comes live there too.



Grams says he can take Gramps’ old room. Either she really wants Jen back, looks at Jack as another soul to save or just figures why not since the chance of hanky panky is nil. But regardless of her motives, Jack is movin’ in.

In town, Pacey’s staring at the water and his dad walks up to him and basically thanks him for punching him in the face. Classic bullies-understand-fists plot line.

He says Andie called and they had a nice chat and he feels like a dick for judging her without knowing her. Then he pulls out the best apology ever, the sort of which people with daddy issues dream of, but which only happen on TV: I’ve been a shitty dad, I don’t know you at all, I wish I could have been better, I sorted things out for you at school, etc.

And to think, it just took a punch in the face and one phone call from Andie? Totally reasonable turnaround  impetus for an abusive drunk.

But he’s not done, Andie wanted him to give Pacey a hug, which he does, and Pacey’s crying, and this moment is brought to you by unrealistic outcomes and therapy wet dreams. But still, isn’t it warm and fuzzy? And Joshua Jackson is really crying because his nose is running, that thespian!



Speaking of crying, when Joey gets home and asks her dad about dealing drugs again, he takes a break from looking at a family photo to start crying.

I suck.

I suck.

She asks him why and he gives a lame answer about feeling like a failure for going to jail for being a drug dealer, so he thought drug dealing again would be the answer. Makes sense.

Anyway, he acknowledges the fire was his fault, basically, and admits to everything. They’re both sobbing and Potter’s apologizing. And look here, Joey was wearing a wire. He looks like someone shot his dog and Joey looks like a wet crumpled bag. But when she says she’s sorry, he takes some high road and says don’t be.

When they leave the house, the Sheriff is there, and Bess and the baby. She looks crushed and Mike Potter is led into the police car sans heandcuffs in possibly the most friendly arrest I’ve ever seen on TV. Guess they went to high school together or something, or maybe Whitter is just still feeling sensitive from his pow wow with his son just moments earlier.

Wait… the Sheriff was at the police station with Dawson and Joey, then he was with Pacey at a pier. Joey was gone all morning according to Mike, and she’s still wearing the same shirt as she was in the station, so this is the same day. If Sheriff Whitter was having a nice long chat with Andie, who called the house, and then found his son for that talk, but not before he called the school about the exams, when did they have time to organize this bust? It’s still daylight out.

Dawson’s outside, and he checks in with Joey to see how she’s doing, which is not well indeed. She’s feeling very dark and bitter about what transpired and Dawson correctly says they both did what they had to do, although being right isn’t really going to help his relationship one bit right now. She gives him a death look:

Kill the messenger.

Kill the messenger.

She basically says he’s dead to her and walks off. She’s mad at her dad, but thinks she might forgive him one day but is sure she couldn’t forgive Dawson, who out of everyone is the least to blame for this whole thing, and even saved Mike’s life. Well, hate the one you can look at, I guess.

Most Verbose Articulation: Pacey’s rant to his dad.
“Andie did more for my life in six months than you did in 16 years, you rotten son of a bitch, so if you wanna make fun of me, you wanna bust on me, that’s fine. But you so much as make one more even slightly disparaging comment about the woman I love and I swear to God, you’re going to be policing this town from a hospital bed, you understand me?

And one more thing: even if Mr. Potter was involved in all this, he’s still 10 times the father you ever were.”

And that wraps up Season 2. Here is a pie chart of all we have seen this round:


Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 2, Episode 20 –Ch…Ch…Changes

Dawson is writing an essay on something…no wait, maybe his script? He does the thing where he pulls on his hair and puts his hands behind his ears like his brains are on fire.

liar liar brains on fire

liar liar brains on fire

Okay, pan to Joey and we find out that it’s his film final. He wants to know about her arc, and starts filming, flirting blah blah.

Cue the hey hey hey yeah and sweaters on the beach.

And some swans for good measure…

random stuff random stuff

random stuff random stuff

WTF happened to Andie’s hair?

sorry andie, not feeling the hair

sorry andie, not feeling the hair

And her Dad showed up and that’s a big surprise and she says you’re not welcome here. Dad is like yeah, well I know you see dead people btw. Andie’s like, all good now, bye bye papa. Turns out Jack tattled on her, and now Dad’s packing her up so she can be supervised and HE’S NOT ASKING.

Dawson wants Jen to talk about the changes she has gone through this year. I would put bad, bad hair at the top of that list. Then got the school cunt drunk and watched her drown. NBD. She starts crying and SHE IS TALKING ABOUT HER HAIR I swear I could write for this piece of shit show…hey wait…

you would cry too if it happened to you

you would cry too if it happened to you

Dawson bugs Joey to be in his movie again.

Now he’s asking Pacey. Pacey bears his soul and has a little cry because Andie pulled him up out of the muck and he can’t do shit for her. Andie immediately lets him know that Daddy is taking her away. Cry cry cry. Platitudes here and there. Stand up for yourself, my dearest mental patient. But he wants to leave tomorrow. No, I’m a teenager, I will tell him what we want and that will be good says Pacey. OK, Pacey, good plan.

Who is more interesting, pacey or cat?

Who is more interesting, pacey or cat?

Jack and Jen chit chatting on the shore. Jack feels bad for calling daddykins, Jen says you did the right thing. Andie needs help and you might make up with daddy-o. Then he wants to know if she will every make up with grandma or go home to New York or if she will just keep sponging off the Leerys.

Looks like Joey and her Dad are fixing up the Ice House so it’s less of a shithole. I wonder how they are paying the bills since the business is closed and they’re poor, but whatever. Dawson meets “Pete”, who Joey’s dad met in the Marines. Dawson wants to interview Joey’s dad as a most changed man for his film final and he hands Dawson a level and he is like “WTF is this thing?”

Pacey is bitching about Jack’s dad and how quickly he is taking away his precious mental girlfriend. Then dad walks in and is like shut your pie hole, she’s coming with me. Pacey is like since when do you give a rat’s ass? And dad is like, you are being selfish, 15 year old. Pacey is like, hell yeah, but let her stay. Dad says nuh uh. Pacey makes a sad face.

Jen calls her mom to float the idea of coming home.

mummy mummy

mummy mummy

Cut to a scene of Dawson smashing his hand with a hammer to increase the dramatic tension. Joey is basically banging Dawson in front of her dad, and then dad comes over and is like that is one shit-looking table you built there.

tickets to the gun show

tickets to the gun show

Now Dawson is interviewing Joey’s Dad, who “LITERALLY” thought he would die of shame when he went to jail or got poor or, no wait, cheated on his wife on her deathbed. Joey didn’t like this conversation.

Back at the McPhee’s, Jack is like, hey Dad, if you are so worried, why don’t you come here instead of uprooting our lives? Dad’s like hmm, no, not feeling it. I’d prefer not to disrupt my own shit. And THEN he tells Jack he needs therapy for his “gay ideas”.

Pacey and Andie have a really long discussion on whether or not they should go out on a date. Verdict: yes.

More interview with the bad father. Joey walks in the middle of the shot and asks Dad to take someone dinner just when he’s about to start talking about the marijuana. Joey says turn the camera on yourself and Dawson says he’s too afraid and for some reason he thinks if he does his project on himself Joey will leave him. Totally sound logic.

Andie is happy now because Dad said maybe she could stay, but now maybe she wants to go. Because she is so batty, and she should maybe go get better so she can be a better friend and girlfriend. And she also thinks Jack should stay because he is happy and she wants him to be selfish for once.

Jen was going to say goodbye to Grams, but she wusses out and instead says goodbye to the porch.

this b roll is more like c or d  roll

this b roll is more like c or d

More Dawson and Mr. Potter bonding. You can see Dawson is really working because his face is dirty. Joey comes out and they are fucking happy as hell and equally annoying.

Jack tells Dad he is staying. Dad is like, damn, if I was a better dad maybe you wouldn’t be gay, and I think you don’t have to stay that way. Just choose to stop being gay, son.

Pacey and Andie are on their date and they go to where they first danced and first kissed and talk about how deliriously happy they were on that day…even though they hated each other. They dance again and make stupid awkward voices at each other. Then she cries and is like, Pacey, I have to go get better. She cries more and says no goodbyes and I wonder if I was suffering from serious mental deficiencies as a teen because I bet I sang and cried right along with Andie and wanted to be a romantic and tragic little mental patient myself.

Joey is in pyjamas that look like old windows. And I think Dawson built her a surprise piece of fence. LIKE A WHITE PICKET FENCE. Dawson is gonna be all up in her front yard all summer he says.

Jen is at the bus station and Jack runs up to say goodbye. Turns out Jen’s mom said thanks but no thanks, so that’s not where she is going. Jack tells her that her parents should love her, but it sucks worse for them than it does for her. He crumples up her ticket and is like you gonna be my new roommate teardrop.

Dawson is at the restaurant and Joey’s dad is looking at a giant bag of, like, crack or something hidden in a vase.

big ole bag o crack

big ole bag o crack

Joey strolls in and they make out and she is like “what’s wrong?” Dawson says “Nothing…” and she buys it.



my mouth says nothing by my eyebrow says….

my mouth says nothing by my eyebrow says….

Jack hugs Andie as she leaves and Dad does a mini-speech about not being a good dad. Pacey comes to look at Andie one last time and to tell her thank you for making me a worthy human being. Then he kisses her on the forehead and is like enjoy your lobotomy, check ya on the other side.

Jack and Pacey watch them drive away.

Dawson talks about arcs on film and how not everyone has one. But how love is change and cut to Joey passed out in her homework.

last known survivor

last known survivor

MVA goes to: who gives a shit really, because no one even read this far.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 2, Episode 20 – Reunited

There were six in the bed and the little one said...

There were six in the bed and the little one said…

Oh, how cozy. Everyone’s in Dawson’s room watching a movie. He calls attention to how strange it is that they’re all together. Andie’s like, Yeah! Just like St. Elmo’s. Joey, ever the optimist, says, St. Elmo’s from Hell, and then she calls her inappropriate comment “honesty.” Then they start discussing if they’re all really friends or not. Jesus. Count me out of that party.

Apparently this gathering was accidental. Joey and Dawson are a thing, so she’s just always there. Pacey was invited, who invited Andie, who invited Jack. And Jen? Well, she lives there now since Grams gave her the boot for publicly hating on God last episode.

But whatever, a pillow fight erupts, coating Dawson’s bedroom with feathers.

Screen Shot 2014-09-07 at 11.57.53 PM

Who is going to clean this shit up?

At school, Andie’s sporting a new hair colour and determines Pacey hates it when he has a shocked look on his face. He tries to make plans with her, but she’s busy with school and her off-the-deep-end mom (Didn’t they hire that nurse?) and declines. She’s perusing this bulletin board of activities, which I think is a weird thing to do as you’re turning down dates with your boyfriend because your schedule is too full. She then flips out on Pacey about a textbook and storms off.

Inside the school, Andie is dramatically looking through her locker for that textbook and sees this cute guy staring at her. She smiles. Now, who could this be?

Screen Shot 2014-09-08 at 12.05.37 AM


Outside, Dawson and Joey are making plans for the weekend. Joey says they’ve watched movies together for the last four Fridays. So is this four weeks after Abby died? Because that’s the night they got back together. And shortly thereafter is when Jen got kicked out. So… four weeks she’s been at Dawson’s so far then? And this is not the main storyline? Yeah, okay.

Anyhoo, Joey says their relationship is predictable because they’ve known each other so long. And it’s their one-month-anniversary. Aha. Yes. Time continuity. I do not take such things for granted in Capeside.

Dawson tells Joey they’re boring and trite people who can’t be spontaneous. Pitch that woo, Dawson. Shit, you’ve had her back for a month, so now’s the right time to get comfortable, obviously. Pee with the door open while you’re at it. Don’t change your socks.

Boring and trite, my ass.

Boring and trite, my ass.

But no, he’s just kidding, he made reservations somewhere nice and says it was supposed to be a surprise until Joey got “persnickety.” She says she’s not persnickety.

No, I think he's right.

No, I think he’s right.

It’s evening now and Jen is sitting outside the Leery house, and Gail is suggesting Jen could call Grams. In my world that’s a hint to patch things up and move out. Jen’s like, n’ah, we have nothing to say to each other, which seems immaterial when you’re two years from graduating high school and expecting to live on the good will of your ex-boyfriend’s mom indefinitely.

Jen says maybe it’d result in her moving back in, but maybe Grams just isn’t mean to be in her life. Uh… you’re a minor, she’s family, and she doesn’t abuse you. Stop freeloading and go home! Gail offers her a girls night in, giving her the daughter treatment, so maybe in her loneliness she’s not looking for Jen to move out.

Mitch and the film teacher are out on a date and she kisses him, and he calls it unexpected. She’s like, we’ve been out on several dates, so things should progress. He calls himself a teenager about this, and if that was their first kiss after all this time, I’m think he’s outta touch, as he’s got teenagers under his old roof who’ve been getting more action than that.

Inside the restaurant, Dawson and Joey show up and there’s no table because despite this Entre Nous being the swishiest place in town, they were unable to grasp the concept of two separate Leery parties. Mitch and Dawson spot each other and we all know where this is going.

A dinner... with my dad? ...and his DATE? dun dun dun!

A dinner… with my dad?
…and his DATE?
dun dun dun!

Now over to Andie, who is not studying at all. She’s in therapy. The therapist says she’s going through complicated grief for her brother, triggered by the loss of her beloved friend Abby Morgan. Uh…

The therapist asks if she’s hallucinated seeing Abby again and Andie says no. She then tells Andie she may need meds for her anxiety again because something in her may not be healing properly– is that something you should say to someone suffering from anxiety? And hang on now. Who was that guy she saw in the hall? Dude, was that her dead brother Tim?

Andie leaves the therapist’s office and gets into her car. And there’s that guy sitting in there and since Andie’s not scared, I’m going with it being Tim. He asks if Andie told the therapist about him, which you’d think a hallucination would know. She says no, then flips out and starts sobbing in imaginary Tim’s arms (They haven’t said it’s him, but let’s be serious, it totally is.)

But, actually, all I can think of is how much this look to anyone who’s seeing her sobbing and cuddling no one in the car?

First rule about seeing people who aren't there is don't talk about Fight Club.

First rule about seeing people who aren’t there is don’t talk about Fight Club.

At the Leery house, Jen is asking Gail personal questions about her failed marriage and lonely Mrs. Leery is going for it. She says you can’t connive love, it has to come to you. Jen asks if she’s going to take that job in Philadelphia and Gail says she’s waiting on a sign. Does the network know that? I’m going to hazard a guess that fancy media jobs don’t stay available indefinitely while you find yourself.

But never mind that, the pot roast’s burning.

At the restaurant, a very awkward meal is happening for reasons I don’t fully understand. You’d think Dawson and Joey would have just gone somewhere else. But they’re all together and the film teacher, Nicole, is suggesting she call up one of her many contacts for Dawson to intern in Hollywood over the summer. Dawson’s not having it and asks, “Isn’t that the city you said would, and I quote, eat me for breakfast?”

And the conversation goes downhill from there, and Dawson’s like, you thought my film was shit until you started dating my dad and now you want to help me go to Hollywood? And she’s like, well, there are other kinds of jobs there, and he’s all, so you don’t think I’m creative then, got it.

A waiter comes to take their order and Joey wants a private word with Dawson. I’m thinking she’s going to suggest going somewhere else like a normal person, but nope! She wants to stay at the fancy restaurant, and tells Dawson he’s putting his petty feelings ahead of their nice night. Classic supportive Joey.

Just as Dawson agrees to be nice to his unsupportive film teacher who’s dating his dad, Gail and Jen walk in. Is this the only place in town?

At Andie’s house, she and Pacey are watching something in her room and she leaves to get something to drink. She’s in her pyjamas. The romance is officially over. She runs into her hallucination in the kitchen and starts telling him off for being late, because not even her own visions are safe from her nagging. She tells him to beat it.

Upstairs in her room, Pacey sees a photo album, flips through it briefly and then leaves the room and takes the album with him. He sets the album on a table and hears Andie talking. She’s asking Tim if Pacey really needs to know about him. But then she calls him Bran? Bram? Okay, so it’s not Tim…?

Pacey rushes in and sees no one there. He looks about as confused as you’d expect.



At the restaurant, Joey meets up with Jen at the bar and informs her of the situation. Jen thinks this looks like an opportunity for something other than a gong show.

Dawson sits down with his dad and he’s aware his ex-wife just walked in. Dawson’s trying to talk to him about his mom’s job offer in Philadelphia (Which, again, I may add has been on the table over a month now for some reason) and Mitch is like, that has nothing to do with me. I’m wondering how the custodial parent of your only child moving to another city can have nothing to do with you, but moving on. Dawson implores him to work on his marriage.

Going by the name of the episode, I’d say his chances are as good as any.

Gail and Nicole, both in the bathroom, flush and leave the stalls at the same time. Womp womp. They have an awkward greeting and Gail says she’s going to go. Then Nicole, being an insufferable smug ass, goads her into leaving to “be fair to Mitch.” Gail then decides to stay and make the evening more uncomfortable for everyone.

Rule 1: Always make sure to stick it to the ex-wife to boost your own self esteem and relieve your insecurities.

Rule 1: Always make sure to stick it to the ex-wife to boost your own self esteem and relieve your insecurities.

Though, thinking on it, Nicole is the common denominator in each of these social disasters, so Team Gail.

At Andie’s house, Pacey’s thinking she was on the phone with some other guy. Andie’s like, no I wasn’t! And when he pushes her to tell him who she was talking to, she screams none of your business!! Pacey, showing far more patience for mood swings and irrational behaviour than your average teenage boy, now thinks she’s having a mental breakdown.

And Andie takes offence to this because usually people in the middle of a psychotic break aren’t terribly logical. He then wants to know about the photo album. It’s full of family pictures he’s never seen and wants to know why she’s looking through it. She again says it’s none of his business (Typically when you’re in an exclusive romantic and sexual relationship with someone, your mental state is totally their business). He points out her new ‘do looks like it did in the photos, and she’s brushing it off.

She swipes the album back in a rage and destroys a lamp. Not the first time she’s broken shit with her flailing. She leaves the mess, says he can stay there if he wants, but she’s going to bed. Maybe I’m cynical, but that sounds like a passive aggressive way to get him to clean up the lamp shards. Pacey bends down to look at an old photo and, yeah, the guy is totally Tim.

I suppose he could just be haunting her.

I suppose he could just be haunting her.

At the restaurant, they found a table for Gail because she’s a local celebrity. Jen’s probing for personal information about the Leery’s marriage and asks if they had a song.

A bottle of wine from an anonymous source gets sent to the foursome and Mitch looks over at Gail, assuming it was from her. Nicole is going on about films being shitty these days and asks Dawson to promise when he’s a big deal he won’t make crap movies. Dawson bites his tongue. But then Joey calls her out for being a phoney and says she’s persnickety.

At Andie’s place, Jack walks in and Pacey is, yes, cleaning up the mess. Well played, Andie. Jack wants to know what happened. Pacey tells him they had a fight and then they compare notes. Pacey says it sounded like she was talking to some guy named “Brown.” Ah. Since she’s such a closed-mouth talker, it was hard to make out.

Jack looks freaked. Andie comes down the stairs and says outright that it was her name for Tim. Jack and Pacey keep cool. She’s like, Tim’s real! I’m not crazy! And then she crazily runs into bathroom and slams the door.

Back at Entre Nous, Nicole is STILL hogging all the air time, talking film like a giant bore, and Joey starts needling her to talk about how much she hates Dawson’s film and discuss how untalented he is. Mitch, makes a weak attempt to halt the conversation, but let’s it go.

Nicole says you should have the right dream because not everyone has the potential to hit it big. Dawson says, well, you work in a high school in the middle of nowhere so who are you to judge shit? Nicole’s like, well, then fine, don’t listen to me then. Mitch then pipes in, apparently only now realizing he’s been dating a woman who’s been trashing his son’s dreams, and questions her teaching methods.

Nicole says she’s being realistic and life has mean bites. And then Joey, queen of all things hostile and bitter, says the word for people who focus on mean bites is– wait for it– bitter. Pot, kettle, the pleasure is all mine.

Nicole, realizing Mitch isn’t coming to her defence, gets out of there. Dawson wants a word with Joey. He asks why he wasn’t allowed to rip into his teacher but Joey was. Jen pops in and says “operation reunited” is underway. The maitre’d walks by and says the wine made it to its location. Are minors allowed to send wine at restaurants?

Mitch approaches Gail and sits with her. Their song is now playing and they get up for a dance. I’d just like to point out I’ve never been to a restaurant that had dancing. I only ever see this in the movies or on TV.

Mitch thanks her for the wine and says he appreciated the gesture. Gail sees the kids staring at them, catches on and goes with it, calling herself Miss Maturity. They start talking in coded language about Philadelphia, how Dawson will miss her, how she will miss Dawson, how Dawson’s not good at expressing how he feels (Pfft).

The song ends, they go back to their respective tables and Nicole is like, yeah, this sucks.

Probably shouldn't have been such a dick in the bathroom.

Probably shouldn’t have been such a dick in the bathroom.

In the bathroom at Andie’s house, she’s seeing her dead brother in the mirror and screaming at him while Pacey and Jack are working on the door. Pacey’s asking if she’s seeing Tim, and Andie breaks the mirror.

Pacey’s now trying to talk Andie down, and Dead Tim’s trying to turn Andie against him. He’s like, you have to choose. Then Pacey’s catches on when Andie says she can’t choose, and he’s like, no, you have to! Well, this is pretty hard ball to be playing with the mentally ill.

He gives an impassioned speech about his love for her, and how he’s not giving up on her. And she chooses Pacey. But call me a pessimist, I don’t think that’s how you cure hallucinations.

Jack and Pacey put her to bed, and then discuss what’s to be done. Jack wants to call their awful dad to pay for some professional help and Pacey wonders if she just needs some time, no doubt feeling like a superhero after winning out against a ghost. Jack’s like, no man, I’ve seen this before with my mom. We’re making some calls.

Jen and Gail are walking outside and Gail’s decided to stay in Capeside because she feels like she and Mitch have a chance. But then there’s Mitch stroking Nicole’s hair, even after that horrible date. Nicole must be desperate and Mitch must be smooth for this to be happening right now. Gail runs off.

I'm so attracted to the way you think my son is a hack.

I’m so attracted to the way you think my son is a hack.

Joey and Dawson are in the row boat and they’re making out, and Joey wants to know if he intended for them to get it on. He sort of says maybe and they talk about sex. Dawson’s thinking yay and Joey’s saying nay. But Joey says she’s thought about it, and that’s enough to make Dawson happy for now, although he wants to dissect what she means to smithereens. He starts rowing. What the fuck happened to that speedboat from first season?



The episode ends with Andie and Pacey talking about what’s going to happen now, how Pacey won’t leave her, and they hug it out. Gotta say, things ain’t looking too good.

Most Verbose Articulation: Dawson- “Not 10 minutes after you want me to start practicing a bit of decorum, you start pushing every button at that table.”

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 2, Episode 19 – Abby Morgan, Rest in Peace

Joey and Dawson are making out in front of his ladder. Joey is looking very Avril Lavigne in her new catering uniform.

I don't like your girlfriend

I don’t like your girlfriend

Dawson says let’s go upstairs, and they both crawl in the window. Jen is in there bawling her eyeballs out and she can barely talk. Booze or trauma? Your guess is as good as mine.

jen feel sad

jen feel sad

GTFO, they killed off Abby Morgan? What the fuck point is there to this show if I don’t have her hair and fashions to look forward to? The two hats Joey can afford is not going to cut it, goddamnit

Jen chews on her tongue in the form of “Abby’s dead” and blink and we are back to the sun-drenched musical interlude of the credits.


serenity now

Nature scenes and soothing sounds and someone is flipping through a photo album. Oh, it’s Joey looking at pics of her dead mom. I guess she has decided she has the market cornered on death and because someone died of a drunk drowning we should all feel sorry for her because she lost her mom to cancer. Totally reasonable. She tells daddy-o she don’t give no shits because Abby was a nightmare anyway.

They have a grief counsellor and a bunch of chairs in a circle and Jen looks like she has just come off a twelve-day crack binge with RoFo. Some kid is wearing a yellow ribbon around her arm in her honour for some reason.

tie a yellow ribbon

tie a yellow ribbon

And since she’s dead we call Abby “Abigail” now. Dead people only respond to proper names. Andie says she is really sad and zombie Jen storms out of the room in search of BRAAINS.

zombie jen

zombie jen

Joey sits down with Dawson in the cafeteria and for some reason he doesn’t want to talk about their relationship for once. Instead they both talk about how they never liked Abby. Someone tell these douche rats to steer clear of my celebration of life, kay?

Dawson asks Joey about the funeral and she throws down an aghast, “DAWSON, the last funeral I went to was my mom’s.” Well, slap my face and call me a fuckwad, what was I doing thinking about some other dead chick just because your mom has been dead since forever and you still have a big bad case of the sads over it when it might buy you some attention.

Jen’s bawling in the can because people are acting like they liked Abby.

I still look like ass

I still look like ass

Jen says she was Abby’s only friend, and I’m like, fuck, get with the program, Jen. Abby gave Andie a ride home once and they bonded, so shut your whore mouth. Jen says she’s so tired of being a celebrity just because she let Abby drown. But it’s not Jen’s fault; let’s blame the mental patient for kicking her out of the wedding and see if we can’t do a 2-4-1 at the ole funeral hone.

like my vest? i felted it myself!

like my vest? i felted it myself!

At the Leery house, Mom won some award FOR THAT BULLSHIT she did getting the girls to say they shopped because the media told them to or some horse vomit, which was way fucking worse than Dawson’s film and shit. Mom says she wants to move away so she can be famous on the network news, and Dawson is like, what about your marriage? Just because dad’s seeing other people, you think it is time to give up?

Jen is lying in bed some more and I think imma go to acting school, so I too can get a high-paying acting job where all I have to do is look like shit and curl up in bed. You’re kinda treading on my specialties there, Michelle Williams.

I'm going to acting school

I got this

Grams comes in and is like I fucking hate your friend, but too bad she died young, and God has a plan, and Jen argues and this shit is so effing tired.

Pacey is reassuring Andie that it’s not her fault that Abby died because she told her not to ruin some throwaway character’s wedding. They squabble, and Abby’s mother walks in and looks like she is taking the death of her child a hell of a lot better than Jen is. Then she tells Andie that Abby used to talk a lot about her. And then Mom tells her to give a nice eulogy. Ta!

Pacey and Andie are yammering along in the rain on the way to the Morgan residence. Apparently, Andie wants to see Abby’s room so she can get a sense for the girl she was.

Jen’s getting drunk on a dock and it’s like, you dumb bitch, don’t you remember what happened the last time you did that? She hurls a bouquet of flowers off the pier and I wouldn’t touch that shit in case it’s like when they throw a bouquet at a wedding except much more deathy.

oh... scawy

worse than breaking a mirror

They are in Abby’s room and Andie is immediately all up in her diary, and it’s about how Jen’s a slut, Andie’s a psycho, and she hates her mother too. Shocker.

Dawson is visiting professor daddikins and he schools him on how to deal with death. Dawson is like let’s talk about Mom’s job. Dawson wants Mommy and Daddy to get back together but Daddy doesn’t leap at the opportunity.

Jack and Joey at the Ice House, and Jack wants to dish about Dawson. Jack is like super weirded out that he was probably the last person dead Abby kissed.

Dawson is jerking it to his movie again, which apparently Abby was in, and I totally didn’t remember that. Pacey wants to talk about the eulogy.

Jen stumbles in drunk as fuck and looking like a big bag of ass as per the current usual. Grams is all Jesus saves and Jen is like fuck you and all this God shit and I should just move out.

Joey and Dad are at breakfast and she stares him down until he gives in and asks her what she is thinking about. Surprise, it’s about her dead mom! Dad tells Joey that she lives on in her and I wonder if this is going to become a tender treatment of molestation, but nope. (Every now and then I get an idea of just how over Dawson’s Creek you are, Jen. **Jenn)

Now back to the great eulogy debate of Andie and Pacey. Andie tells him not to be nice to her because she is crazy.

There is a very respectable pic of Abby at the funeral and I would not notice her hair at all.

bye bye 90s hair

bye-bye 90s hair

Joey decides to face her crippling fear of funerals. Oh wait, it was just so she could get some more attention for her own grief.

Grams sits next to Jen and they are ugly with each other as well.

The priest offers people to come forward to talk about Abby and no one does but Jen gets up and everyone looks like dafuq she gonna say? She has to get up on some giant podium like where the Queen of Wonderland would hold her trials.

go tell it on a mountain

off with your head.

Jen gets up there and rips her dead buddy to shreds and then takes a great big shit on God too. Grams does not look like she appreciates that, though Jen is like I am really glad Abby showed me that there is no God. Enjoy your church service now everyone.

When Jen goes to sit down, Grams gets the fuck outta there.

oh hells no

oh hells no

After Jen’s glowing speech, Andie gets up there and talks about the people in her life who comfort her. Then she talks about those other people who challenge her. She thanks Abby for giving her strength by challenging her. And Momma cries.

Now everyone has trudged out to the gravesite too, and some dude in some shads is handing out flowers for people to like throw on her casket or something. Music montage to everyone walking away in slow motion.

Dawson talks about how fleeting life is and how he doesn’t want to go to his grave with regret so they should get down to BIZNASS, and Joey sticks her tongue down his throat so I guess it is not just me who gets hot and bothered at funerals.

Before she has even finished swallowing Dawson’s saliva, she asks him to take her to her Momma’s grave.

Pacey congratulates Andie on pulling off the eulogy. Andie goes to Jen and Jen says sorry I blamed you for Abby’s death; it was actually my fault. Jen says she saw Abby in the water and Abby looked so scared as she bit it. Yowza. Here I thought she just drifted away peacefully like a drunk after her head bashed in a stone. Now Jen regrets her mega-mean speech. Andie wants to go steal Abby’s diary so momma doesn’t find out that her daughter is such a cunt even though all her friends all made speeches at her funeral about how much they all hated her.

Joey ripped off some flowers from Abby to give to her mom. Stay classy. Dawson looks like someone just stuck a finger up his bumhole while Joey looks sad and self-involved.

Dawson and his no no place

Dawson and his no-no place

Jen arrives home to see Grams has packed her shit for her. Jen makes a half-assed run at an apology, and Grams is like cram it. You tried to hurt me on purpose when I try so hard for you and love you so much. So buh-bye now.

Jen looks like Sid the sloth.

Jen looks like Sid the sloth.


nailed it

Cut to Andie breaking in to Abby’s house. No one answers the door so she strolls right in and goes to swipe the diary and sees Abby’s ghost (we should be so lucky) or she is having a fucking nervous breakdown again.

who dat who dat

who dat who dat

MVA: Jen’s eulogy from hell: My name is Jen Lindley. And I was friends with Abby, as much as anyone could be because Abby had a toxic personality, in fact it was almost bordering on radioactive. Abby could be cruel and Abby could be spiteful, and Abby could certainly be petty. She spent her days mischievously stirring up trouble, and creating calamity, and generally, taking pleasure in other people’s pain. You know, in Sunday School, they teach us that God made Man in his image. Well, if God made Abby in his own image then what does that say about God? God has always been such a mystery to me. I mean, what kind of deity creates a world that is so full of suffering and so full of pain? I tell you what, Abby taught me a lot. She taught me how to do a tequila shooter with one hand tied behind my back, and she taught me to live life by my own set of values, and not follow the crowd, in hopes of winning some phantom popularity contest. But most of all, what’s most important, is Abby taught me the sadistic nature of our God and as much as that knowledge is disturbing, it’s true. And it’s real. And for a world that is so saturated with phoniness and lies, for that small amount, for that little bit of honesty, I will always be grateful to her.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 2, Episode 18 – A Perfect Wedding

Opening scene: Dawson is showing his mom his movie. There’s a scene of Devon as Sammy almost orgasmically rowing her boat to the Leery house. And it seems to end on that note, which is weird because I thought this was an epic about the first time he got dumped. His mom showers him with praise, as moms are wont to do, and despite this being the first time anyone’s told him they like his film and he’s desperate for approval, he’s not having it. Writers. He thinks his film has fallen flat and now he’s worried about his life sucking forever. Teenagers.

Mrs. Leery moms it up and gives Dawson a pep talk before moving on to asking about Mitch, who somehow has snagged that job as a teacher at the high school. He tries to use a similar pep talk on his mom for winning her husband back, as though re-editing a movie and fixing a marriage ruined by infidelity are in any way similar.

I’m watching the opening theme on YouTube this time, as this episode… SHIT’S ABOUT TO GET REAL. And this fluffy Jann Arden ain’t gonna cut it.

At the Potter house, Dad’s cooking breakfast and Joey’s doe-eyed and almost childlike about her father’s sudden presence. I want to know how a man gets released from prison without his family finding out. Wouldn’t Joey have known her dad was getting out? Was he paroled? What’s the story here?

But no mention of such minor details! Dad and Bess want the Ice House to cater fancy shindigs and Joey’s worried because all they know how to do is flip burgers. Dad’s like, hey, we’re Potters! We can do it! Gumption! Give me my grandson! I’m back! And in less than 20 seconds he hands the baby back, which doesn’t suggest a lot of commitment, just sayin’.

The shindig in question is for Bess’ friend, who’s getting married Saturday and whose caterer bailed, and so this is their chance, with zero experience, to expand their business with a recent ex-con at the helm. What a desperate bride this must be. Dad reassures Joey her days of worry are behind her and gives her the solid father act, and because the road to hardening your heart against a disappointing dad can take many years, she accepts his comfort.

At school, Joey’s telling Jack about her dad’s sudden appearance, and because the writers don’t want to bother with this detail at all, he doesn’t ask obvious questions like, “Did you know he was getting out?” Instead, Jack’s like, you must be thrilled! And Joey says she is when she isn’t feeling an overwhelming sense of impending doom looming over her. Jack says, yeah, you should tell your dad this is a shit idea and work things out with him before he goes out in public. But he says he’ll help with the catering biz.

Inside, Dawson is telling Pacey about his plans to reedit his movie. And then he sees his newly divorced dad macking on his film teacher, which admittedly sucks ass. Jack approaches them and says Joey’s dad’s out of the big house, and do you want to be waiters? Then he says, “Joey’s dad got paroled yesterday.” Aha! Shoddy prison doesn’t alert family to fact prisoner will be released back into their home.

I bathe in Snuffleupagus tears.

I bathe in Snuffleupagus tears.

The bell rings and Jen goes into the bathroom and there is Abby in something Big Bird might wear to a funeral. Jen wants to talk, Abby shoots her some shade and Jen leaves. Abby has an immediate change of heart, likely due to the loneliness that comes from being a raging cunt, and chases Jen down.

Jen reveals she’s going crazy, bored out of her mind. Seems to me she’s been keeping busy, but whatevs. She says no matter what she does, she’s not going to be accepted, so why bother? This view seems fairly out of touch since various people have been vying for her friendship. Must be still stinging from getting dumped by the bible-thumper. They decide to get rowdy this weekend.

An evening of bad decisions with Satan's bride.

An evening of bad decisions with Satan’s bride.

Pacey is telling Andie about the opportunity for them to earn 60 bucks apiece doing this catering deal. She’s being cynical for no reason, talking about how much she hates weddings because people get all gooey and they’re too sentimental. This from someone who lost her virginity at a romantic bed and breakfast instead of the back of some shitty car or at a noisy party like half the other kids her age.

Pacey calls her on her bullshit, but then she says people should stay together because they want to, because they feel like it, not because they’re married; a hypocritical declaration if I’ve ever heard one since she’s so pissed at her dad for leaving her mom because he felt like it.

Pacey tells Andie to come with him to the wedding to work, and if she doesn’t love weddings by the end of it, she can keep all the money. And she accepts! Andie, you unlikeable clench-jaw-talking cow.

At the Ice House, Joey’s critiquing horseradish and her dad sees Dawson coming and is like, why aren’t you an item already? Dawson approaches, shakes his hand, congratulations him for getting out of the big house and Mr. Potter, in the style of most absentee fathers, makes an awkward observation about the fact Dawson has aged in his absence.

When Potter leaves, Dawson asks how Joey’s handling her dad’s sudden reappearance in her life. She says Jack helped her through her emotions with his remarkable insight. And then she backpeddles a bit, saying, oh, but I was really looking for you. Then she has him try a dish they’re working on for the wedding.

Oh, the shame

Oh, the shame

But they overhear two ladies gossiping about how Mr. Potter shouldn’t be allowed back in Capeside, not primarily because of his prison time, but because he was cheating on his dying wife. Yet this disgust with him has not prevented them from patronizing his restaurant. Joey gets flustered and goes back in the kitchen.

Now it’s Saturday, everyone’s dressed and ready to work. Joey’s organizing everyone and Dawson’s like, I want to talk to you about those women at the Ice House– which I’d like to point out happened a week ago. Right as soon as Dawson’s work shift has started for a job he’s got no experience in and which may break the Potter family’s livelihood, he chooses now to distract her with emotionally-charged chit chat he didn’t bother to bring up till now. King of timing. She’s like, no, let’s feed these assholes, that’s what we’re here for.

Ain't nobody got time for this.

Ain’t nobody got time for this.

Dawson gets out on the floor and starts serving drinks and his mom comes in and makes a beeline to discuss personal matters with him because who needs to encourage having a good work ethic in your son? She’s decided tonight of all nights is the day she’s going to get her husband back: at someone else’s wedding. Now we see where he gets his inappropriate timing from. But Mitch walks in with his date and throws a wrench in Mrs. Leery’s plans.

Pacey and Andie are setting up the wedding cake, and Andie’s getting increasingly pissy about having to be there, despite it’s to help out a pal. Eventually she starts to throw a fit and in the middle of her pity party, she knocks the top layer off the cake and it spills on the floor.

Uh, whoops?

Uh, whoops?

She looks suitable horrified, but that doesn’t exactly fix the cake. Joey sees this go down, looks like she’s going to freak out and then sighs in resignation instead. Either she’s got a plan or has just accepted this night is going to be total bullshit.

Dawson enters a random room at the venue for no apparent reason and sees the bride sitting alone and crying. Then she’s like help me with this window! Dawson’s like what? And the bride’s like, uh, I’m gonna jump outta this window in my wedding dress?



And then she unloads all this shit about “Do I really love him?” I don’t know, lady, but I think you probably at least like him enough not to humiliate him with the most public rejection possible. I mean, I’ve never understood this plot line. Just annul the marriage if you still feel like this a few days later. It’s not like doing it now will get you any refunds for all this money you spent. Do people really think marriage is that permanent? I think it’s harder to get out of a lease than it is a 24-hour-long marriage.

Oh my, the hair.

Oh my, the hair.

Jen and Abby are hanging out at Jen’s, trying to figure out what to do with their night. Abby wants booze and boys. She asks what everyone else is up to and she says they’re helping cater a wedding, but that no one thought to include her. The icy relationship between Joey and Jen continues. Abby says they should crash the wedding to show Dawson & co. what’s what. This whole town is full of people who don’t know how to act right.

Everyone’s waiting at the alter. The officiant is looking at his watch. The bridesmaids are already up there? Uh, no procession? Wouldn’t they have cleared that the bride is ready to go first? Has no one ever been to a wedding before? Dawson’s consoling the sobbing bride in that random room, instead of those useless bridesmaids. I mean, at the end of the day, the only real job of a bridesmaid is moral support. These chicks get an F.

Dawson leaves, runs into Jack and says he thinks they have to cancel the wedding. Jack asks if he should try talking to her and Dawson says, pfft, what can you do about it? Jack’s like, let me at her. They go in, the bride is gone and they hear a toilet flush? I saw that puffy dress. Good luck peeing in that thing by yourself, lady.

Joey catches up with Bess and tells her Jack and Dawson are MIA, Andie and Pacey ruined the cake and no food is ready. Bess is chill about all of this for some reason. And she somehow doesn’t think it’s a good idea to get their dad “all worked up” about these problems. Joey’s freaking out about ruining the wedding and embarrassing themselves and thinks her dad should get in there and start fixing things because it was his big idea in the first place. After declaring that he’s the one who ruined them in the first place, and he shouldn’t be thinking everything’s fixed already, she finds out her dad heard everything she said.

My first thought is good, he needed to hear it! But of course now Joey’s supposed to feel bad about hurting someone’s feelings because this is TV in the ’90s and accountability for bullshit behaviour takes second fiddle to maintaining undeservedly high self esteem. See: Pacey’s takedown of the sociopath teacher.

It’s getting dark now and the bride still hasn’t come out. The bridesmaids are still standing around and being useless and Jack and Dawson are talking to the bride through the bathroom door. She unlocks the door and the guys walk in to find her perched on the toilet. Things she’s worried about: What if her groom isn’t her soul mate and what if she’s wrecking her chances at having a perfect life? Things she’s not worried about: Holding everyone up and the anxiety she’s causing her fiancé. Anyone who thinks this way doesn’t deserve happiness.

Jack manages to talk her down in under a minute: Love’s not perfect, you’re not perfect, Alan’s not perfect. But that’s life, your love is real and don’t throw it away for a pipe dream. Solid advice man. And down the aisle she goes.

The ceremony can now begin. Mitch and Gail exchange conflicted looks. And the catering team is standing around and watching the ceremony instead of getting shit done.

After the ceremony, the bride thanks Jack for all he did, says nothing to the guy standing right next to him who talked to her for 20 minutes before that. Dawson’s sad Jack’s able to say all the right stuff– AND WHY ARE YOU NOT WORKING? They casually saunter around until they find a table with glasses to fuss around with. Dawson’s bummed Joey doesn’t turn to him anymore and just talks to Jack.

And Jack yet again says all the right stuff ’cause that’s just how Jack rolls: your lives are intertwined, you know her best, she needs you, etc. But then he suggest Dawson might need to push harder, but really? Now? 

Pacey is trying to fix the cake Andie destroyed and is doing a piss poor job of it and Andie’s like, they’re coming! That’s a terrible job! Ugh! The bride comes in and wants to see the cake. Andie’s like no! It’s bad luck! A bride who sees the cake gets fat! Nice. The bride says the top layer is special and symbolic of the marriage and is to be eaten on the first anniversary. She leaves without looking at it.

Good job.

Good job.

Andie’s like, see?! If their marriage is doomed, it’s our fault! And Pacey calls her on more of her bullshit and tells her, no, you’re the waving maniac who knocked the cake down in the first place. He goes back to his futile efforts to fix the cake, which now looks like total mush. He points out she doesn’t give a shit about weddings and symbolism. She says she doesn’t, and then talks sadly about how this wedding should have been perfect.

Pacey’s like I knew it! Admit you care about weddings! (Maybe use this time to call a bakery and beg for help instead?) And then he makes a show of walking out until she caves, which she does almost immediately.

Back in the kitchen, everyone’s moving at a snail’s pace but have somehow managed to get all the food done. So now Mr. Potter and Joey have time for a heart to heart. He gives her a more eloquently worded apology than you might expect from a drug dealing ex-con, although the acting is painfully wooden, “Yet again I am failing in my parental duties.”

During the reception, Gail wants to know who that woman is with Mitch and Dawson says she’s the film teacher. Mitch and the teacher approach, and Mitch says hi. This couldn’t be more awkward. And I can’t help but point the finger at the teacher. Ma’am, this is your student. Extract yourself from this wildly inappropriate personal family situation. Gail leaves and Dawson wants a word with Pa.

Dawson points out Mitch is being a dick and Mitch starts throwing a little hissy fit about how “Nicole” is just a colleague and his ex wife will just have to deal ’cause he gotta live his life. Then he apologizes and says he doesn’t want to put Dawson in the middle and Dawson’s like, well, that’s what you’re doing by dating my teacher. Touche. 

Abby and Jen are in wedding crasher mode and bemoaning the lack of available boys. Abby, always happy to encourage Jen sexually (And then call her a slut later) suggests a married man.

Andie sees them and promptly urges them out before they get in trouble. Abby’s like, you’re throwing us out? Jen suggests they come back after dinner when everyone’s drunk and not so uptight. Really? They’re pretty uppity for people who are 100% in the wrong. I never had balls like that when I was 16. Abby steals a bottle of booze on the way out because why not.

Screen Shot 2014-08-25 at 7.29.33 PM

I reserve my right to drink underage at weddings I’ve not been invited to!

Dawson saunters in from the dinning room and sees Joey crying over coffees in the kitchen, as everyone continues to seriously drag their feet. We need to send Ramsay over there to make them pull up their socks. After Dawson presses a bit to get her to talk, Joey admits she’s scared of her dad being a fuck-up again and ruining their lives. Dawson tells her to lower her expectations and take the relationship slower. He basically tells her to keep her chin up, but takes a really long time to do it. He gets a hug and finally looks a little happy.

Joey and her dad are clearing things in the kitchen and she tells him a story about this girl who used to be her friend. This chick made fun of her when she thought Joey wasn’t around and Joey chose to act like she didn’t hear anything. She’s like, yeah, I can take other people’s shit, but let’s knock off the pretences between us.  She says she’s proud of him, which sounds very much like the kid trying to raise the grownup, if you ask me. They hug and dad bows out.

Andie and Pacey are wheeling the cake into the reception, and we’re about to see the unveiling of the top layer. Oh, this should be good. And it’s a wreck, but still way nicer than they’d be capable of making it. And the bride’s like, oh, so beautiful! What now?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Let’s go in for a close up. 



Oh hell no he didn’t! I call shenanigans, man. This looks like the job of an inebriated baker, not some slap-job repair from a dipshit high school kid.

Abby and Jen now are on the pier, getting drunk and lamenting about how lame it is to grow up and have a family one day, which is just as well because Abby’s pretty unloveable anyway. She says she’ll never be happy. Then she hits her head, Jen laughs, Abby’s like eff you, and then splash, right off the pier.

Jen leaps up, screams for Abby, and leaps off the pier to save her friend.



Inside, unawares of the impending demise of Miss Morgan, Pacey asks Andie to dance. I don’t think this sort of unprofessional bullshit is the way to drum up more business for the Potters, guys. Andie’s singing a new tune about weddings and is all, When we get married… and now Pacey’s looking to tone things down.

Mitch is dancing with his “colleague” and Gail is sitting alone looking miserable. Dawson, who’s still working unlike some people, spots his mom and then asks her to dance. Srsly? Yeah, and this is why you don’t hire your teenage pals to do anything.

Joey and Jack mosey in, acting like their job is done, even though everyone’s still there consuming drinks. Joey’s dad walks in wearing a suit instead of his Chef’s clothes. Did he go home and change? What is it with these people? The wedding isn’t over yet! I wouldn’t hire these people for anything. He pulls out a rose I can only assume he yanked out of some flower arrangement at the wedding.



Bess comes out, apparently the last woman standing who gives a shit, and sees her sister and dad dancing, along with the rest of the catering staff, pretty much. Oh, and now Dad’s trying to get Dawson and Joey to dance. This just keeps getting more stupid. You’re not guests, guys. Oh, like they care. Gail and Mr. Potter start dancing, and so do Dawson and Joey.

They have a moment, say I love you, and kiss. This is supposed to be a special and romantic Dawson’s Creek moment, but I’d like everyone to think about how they’d feel if at their wedding they saw the wait staff making out on the dance floor. 

And outside, Abby is dead. She’s taken away in a body bag, with Jen left crying alone in the middle of the road. 


Super normal to leave a teen who just witnessed a death standing alone at night in the middle of the road.

Super normal to leave a teen who just witnessed a death standing alone at night in the middle of the road.

The end credits are alarmingly cheerful and upbeat.

Most Verbose Articulation: Pacey: It was your wild gesticulations that sent this baby flying in the first place.




Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 2, Episode 17 – Psychic Friends

Today’s post is brought to you by guest blogger Alek, a delightfully cynical writer, who has taken up the noble mantle of Dawson’s Creek reviewer for the week. Enjoy!

I’m not going to lie: I intentionally watched NONE of the preceding episodes in this season, hoping to draw on my cloudy memories of the plot from so many years ago. My first impression? This is some top notch dinner theatre acting. A+.

This episode opens with Dawson screening his completed [second?] film for Joey, and she reacts by immediately jizzing in her pants. After a Kubrick-level orgy of verbosity (are they fucking kidding?), I’m having serious doubts that anything in Dawson’s tear-fuelled teenage life could go this well. And of course it’s a dream. Because nobody likes Dawson or his shitty movies.

Suddenly Joey starts giving all credit to Jack, and Dawson’s fragile manhood collapses in an almost-visible way. Jack comes climbing in through the window to make out with Joey, and I’m thinking that Dawson missed the memo about the guy until he exclaims, “But, YOU’RE GAY!” Nope. He got it.

I wish this dream was real life, because fuck Dawson Leery.

I wish this dream was real life, because fuck Dawson Leery.

Credits roll, and WHAT THEME SONG IS THIS?! I feel robbed. Even more so because I don’t live in dreamland Capeside, where it’s apparently always sunkissed dusk in mid-autumn and nobody ever gets fat.

Cut to Capeside High’s Screenwriting 101 class, which is definitely not something that was offered in my high school. What is this, a liberal arts prep school? I thought Joey was supposed to be poor.

The teacher appears to be the same age as her students, and she’s leading them in the brainiest teenage discussion ever. Jen says that something is saccharine, and I’m like, “How old are you, Jen?” And then I realize that she’s probably about 35. Nevermind, Jen. Go on criticizing Capra. My bad.

Dawson runs into his dad in the hall, because he’s apparently teaching there now. He’s all, “You can call me dad,” which adds another layer to the mystery of how Dawson is not a total social pariah. All I can think is that Dawson’s dad definitely lifts a lot more than any of my high school teachers. Damn, Mitch. Dawson makes a shitty life = film allegory, flexing his piss-poor creative muscle (Mitch LIFTS, guys), and declares that his only certain desire in life is to be a filmmaker.

His future is surely a grim wasteland of disappointment.

His future is surely a grim wasteland of disappointment.

Joey, meanwhile, is trying to turn Jack into her gay BFF by judging the smalltown cafeteria boys, but, girl, look at the sweater you’re wearing. “Remember how we were dating? How weird was that?” Guys, this is fucking awkward.

Pacey is hanging around with wacky Andie, being Capeside’s most tolerable fake teenager, and I think they’re talking about a carnival or something? Andie wants Pacey to take her to the fortune teller, and to do the Captain Skippy tent, which sounds both terrifying and demonic. He acquiesces when she leans in and whispers what MUST be an offer of sexual favours.

 “B-L-O-W J-O-B.”

“B-L-O-W J-O-B.”

And the carnival is happening! Joey is selling her shitty art with Jack, and she’s still trying to make gay BFFs happen. Stop it, Potter; it’s not going to happen. She tells Jack that she’s thinking about kissing, because the show runners want us to remember that Joey is extra virginal. Dawson shows up, and I think he’s wearing jogging pants. Jack is definitely judging.

“Dawson seems a little moody lately,” says Jack. Dude, are you new?

Andie is having a dead serious talk with Pacey about this fortune teller business. I wonder if she’ll be disappointed when she finds out that she’s just a glorified day player? Inside the fortune teller’s tent, Joey is going first, because she wants to know more about the kissin’ that the rest of these totally legitimate teenagers are doing. It’s $5 a reading, which seems like a bargain until you realize that the fraud is pretty much listing names and then talking about some kid who borrowed Joey’s pencil in kindergarten. Still, high point in the captivating drama so far.

Finally, things get tinkly and ethereal, and the fortune teller starts talking about Joey’s love life, pretty much explicitly talking about a love triangle. Thanks for coming out, lady. It’s almost as if she’s channeling the show runners and their need for emotional exposition. Satisfied that she’s earned her $5, the psychic lights up a cigarette indoors.

It’s the 90s, people!

It’s the 90s, people!

Dawson is hanging out with his film teacher at the carnival, and I’m detecting some inappropriate, Pacey-variety sexual tension. They’re talking about his film, and he casually refers to his dad as Mitch, ‘cause he’s a cool guy like that. Dawson tells the young lady that she’s inspiring, and she talks about being in “the business”, which explains why she’s teaching high school in Buttfuck, Massachusetts.

Joey’s complaining about the psychic’s reading to Jack, and they arrive back at her tent to find a regulation hottie checking out her terrible art. His name is Colin Manchester — I shit you not — because Capeside is the whiteness capital of New England, and that’s saying something. Judging by the way Colin and Jack make eyes, I’m pretty sure it won’t work out for Potter.



Jen is hanging out with Grams, grand mistress of bitchin’ sweater vests, at their own booth. Everyone in Capeside makes shitty crafts, because it’s MASSACHUSETTS, PEOPLE. An old lumberjack character named Whit Hubley (NOT KIDDING) comes up and makes clear his intention to get all up on Grams’ sweater vest business, because it’s about time old Evs gets a little romance. They apparently knew one another 30 years ago, which was about the time most of these high school students were born. Grams turns down Whit’s dinner invite. After he leaves, Jen comments that the old fella is sexy, which maybe hints at the wild sexual proclivities that got her sent to this shitberg seaside town.

Joey visits Colin’s tent. He offers to buy her hot chocolate, while Jack is basically giving her the creepy thumbs-up from about 10 feet away. They’re drinking in a private little spot, and Colin actually asks, “Are you aware of how beautiful you are?” before touching her face and turning into everybody’s least favourite guy on OKCupid. The more he talks, the less attractive he is. But then he says that what he really wants to do is photograph her, because — I’m telling you — this guy only wants the D.

Whit comes back for Grams. He won’t take no for an answer and brought her a rose. It’s like this is a retirement community for PUA dickbags. Grams concedes, but then Jen observes that she’s wracked with widow’s guilt. Grams admits that she’s closed up shop downstairs and has become all insecure about *the body*. The solution, Jen declares, is a makeover (isn’t it always?).

Andie is getting her banal fortune told, but a candle goes out and things get ominous. Next thing you know, she’s marching out past Pacey, silently angry.

“I’m only in three seasons!”

“I’m only in three seasons!”

Joey tells Jack that Colin wants to do a shoot with her. She’s all about keeping it mysterious between artists and expanding her horizons, and neither myself nor Jack have any idea what the fuck she’s talking about. He insists on coming along to guard her chastity.

Dawson has convinced his poor teacher to sit through a screening of his film, presumably using his wily charms (HA). She seems unimpressed with his film, or maybe she’s just really uncomfortable with this whole goddamn situation like I am.

Jen is giving Grams a makeover, but apparently they live pretty nearby, ‘cause I think this is all still happening during the carnival. I’m really disappointed that there isn’t a makeover montage.

At Joey’s photoshoot (how long is this day?), Jack and Colin are picking out costumes, and Joey complains that she looks like a drag queen. That’s what happens when you let your smalltown gay BFFs pick your outfit, honey — you look like Liza Minelli. Jack is shouting cheesy motivational lines at her, and Colin declares that she looks like a diva (as heterosexual men are wont to say). There’s an almost romantic moment when Jack leaves, but it doesn’t pan out because WE ALL KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING.

Call me, maybe?

Call me, maybe?

Grams’ makeover is complete, and she looks like a poor man’s Jessica Lange. Jack wouldn’t approve of this dye job.



Pacey, meanwhile, has decided to harass the fortune teller for whiny Andie’s sake (UGH). She tries to get all philosophical about it, which is rich for a woman who was talking a lot about a borrowed pencil. She proceeds to psychoanalyze Pacey in an accent which is starting to sound less and less consistent with every additional minute of screentime.

Elsewhere, Colin wants to ask Joey something. I am literally waiting on the edge of my seat for him to ask her if Jack is single. AND HE DOES. VINDICATED. There it is. Jack can GET IT. Joey — ever the faithful beard — runs off to tell Jack that Colin is THIRSTY, and takes the opportunity to knock his gaydar. He gets pissed off for good goddamn reason. You don’t say that shit, Joey Potter.

Jack gets gay panic because Joey is trying to set him up. He becomes really righteously indignified about exchanging numbers with a hot college guy, and I cannot wrap my fucking head around it. I could’ve been buried under the luggage at the back of the closet and I’d still hit it with that guy.

Back at Dawson’s deeply uncomfortable film screening, his teacher is squirming like an extra in a Vagisil commercial. He asks her for her honest opinion, and — well, shit — she lets him have it. “It’s a preposterous soap opera about a bunch of teenagers who talk too much,” she tells him, which is SUPER FUCKING META. She’s admittedly harsh, and she claims it’s for his own good, but lady: he’s a high school student cutting a full-length movie. I’d be impressed if he’d made anything other than a lip-synced music video with in-camera cuts.

If you’re so talented, why are you living in fucking Massachusetts?

If you’re so talented, why are you living in fucking Massachusetts?

Jack and Joey have a heart-to-heart about his sexuality. He basically explains that he’s not ready to go full gay. Bitch, please. You are a teenage boy. You would have sex with literally anyone. He concludes by giving her a kiss on the head, which is some kind of trite emotional payoff. I dunno.

 I dislike these people.

I dislike these people.

Dawson is walking around crying (OF COURSE HE IS), and he sees what I’m fairly certain is his father going home with the film teacher. This can’t be helping Dawson’s crippling narcissism, Mitch. Dawson then turns his parted blonde sadness towards Jack hugging it out with Joey, and this further upsets him because he still hasn’t figured out how this whole gay thing works.

Andie finally tells Pacey what the psychic said. Apparently, she was informed that her shitty life is only going to get worse, which is a pretty terrible $5 carnival trick. Pacey reassures her to little avail. These two have a dearth of actual chemistry, and I’m trying to remember if this b-romance lasts for very many episodes.

Joey tells Colin that Jack isn’t coming to meet him, and he’s vaguely emotional about it? ACTING! He’s apparently on the rebound, reaffirming my belief that Jack is MISSING OUT. Joey asks about the break-up. His murky answer is supposed to speak to the complexity of break-ups, but sweet merciful lord, whatever. It all wraps up with Joey getting another tender kiss from a gay man, and that can’t be especially rewarding right now.

Jen finds that Grams has been stood up by Whit, because he had to go home to his wife. GEEZUS, Capeside men. Grams is sitting there feeling like what I’m sure she’d describe as a painted whore, but it turns out that she’s grateful for the makeover. It’d feel even better if you didn’t get your colour from a box, Grams.

Dawson visits the psychic with the ubiquitous Eastern European accent. She reluctantly agrees to read his fortune after-hours, and tells him some junk about his soulmate (barf). It’s honestly like the build-up to the movie Fear, and I’m pretty sure Dawson is a serial killer. And then the psychic disappears? Fuck me, that was pointless.

She was magic, like most Roma stereotypes turn out to be.

She was magic, like most Roma stereotypes turn out to be.

Now it’s time for a musical misery montage, and goddamn if we haven’t earned one. Dawson destroys the scale Capeside he’s built in his bedroom (SERIAL KILLER), while Joey lurks on his property. She has second thoughts and leaves, which seems like a good way to avoid becoming the first few panels of his skin suit.

The big finale finds Joey arriving home to find a mysterious man on her porch. When he turns around, she gasps, “Daddy?” and I have literally no interest in seeing where this goes.

MVA: “We creeksiders may be provincial, but we’re not stupid!” That’s not just verbose, that’s anachronistic and altogether too French country.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 2, Episode 16 – Be Careful What You Wish For

Pacey shows up at Dawson’s house, and Dawson’s acting like he is even more on the rag than usual. Since Pacey isn’t a dick, he knows immediately that it is because they are minutes away from big D’s sweet 16. Dawson is pissed because everyone is evolving and he is still in pull-ups. He’s also all hurt that he got dumped for a gay guy. He decides Joey is the answer, so his bday wish is to get her back… which might work out pretty well since her bf is a homosexual now.

Credits (I never hung out under a dock. I feel like I am missing out.)

Daddy Dawson is in the kitchen cooking Dawson breakie, as per tradition, and Mom walks in and is like, what in the hell, I wasn’t expecting company, and already started blowing the ole rape whistle. Daddy gotsa talk to Mom in private and he decides that he should talk to her about a gift on Dawson’s actual bday (eff planning), and she’s like, bitch, imma give him a car because I can buy his love, and they get all fighty and Dawson’s happy bday face is on the ground.

sad bday boy

sad bday boy

Joey and Pacey are planning Dawson a surprise party.

Enter Jack. Everyone goes sad and the music gets sad like Dawson’s face. AND Pacey is asking Joey how she’s doing and I feel like their relationship has progressed since they used to call each other ass-face or whatever it was all the time…(What was it again… something great?)

Abby and her brand spanking new posse are here, and they are loving that he is the FIRST guy to come out in Capeside high. ALSO 90S HAIR TO THE MAX.



Then he calls Abby “Satan,” but now she loves him in true beard (or is it fag hag? What are the kids saying these days?) style

90s power hair

90s power hair

Andie is in therapy in a dark room with many distracting lamps. Shrink asks her what she wants for herself and not all the people she takes care of all the damn time. Shrink is like you oughta just do it, and prescribes her one night of imperfection.

you need some ikea therapy, sista

you need some ikea therapy, sista

Joey is telling her sis that she has given up since she turned Jack off women completely. Sis is like, yawn, get over it. Go paint some shit or something. And then she points out that Joey did break up with Dawson to find herself and immediately got going with Jack. Enter Dawson.

Jen and Ty are wrapping stuff and being all flirty and they must go to the same barber because I can’t tell who owns what hair.



Joey and Dawson are talking about wishes and mentioning that it’s getting damn cold in Capeside because it’s almost winter. Dawson tells Joey he wants to get back together. And that is some hat. And he says they are soulmates. Joey flips and says she needs to figure stuff out. And she kinda ruins his birthday by flat out denying him. Though, I guess he ran that risk, timing it as he did.

mad hatter

mad hatter

Pacey and Dawson are driving Andie around in the back of a cop car. She is pretending to be a siren and Dawson is sulking that he is third wheel on his bday. Andie is being super annoying and screams STOP THE CAR STOP THE CAR so she could go see something really cool back there. Pacey tells her to get it together but she’s like: n’ah, doc said.

jail bird

jail bird

Jack shows up at the surprise party and Abby and her bitches are all about him now.

AHA Ty reminds me of a less fun Jim CARREY!!! And he pulls away from another kiss, and Jen is like DAFUQ and he doesn’t want to kiss Jen because Jesus doesn’t like when Ty gets turned on.



At the club some dude is playing the mouth organ and Andie is like coated in glitter.

so. much. glitter.

so. much. glitter.

She explains Freud and Id to the boys. Dawson’s like, that sounds pretty fun, let’s get shit-faced. They trick the waitress into giving them booze by asking her for more booze this time because they could barely taste the rum.

Jack is like WHAT is your obsession with me all the sudden? Abby’s like, we’re both outcasts. He’s like no. She’s like, okay, then maybe we’re both bisexual like everyone else is but is too scared to admit it.

At the bar Pacey is like why in the crap are you two drinking so much Coke? And SURPRISE it is open mic night, so Andie and Dawson get up and act like teenagers and he like rap-battles the crap out of the blues. Oh gawd, they confess every single thing about their lives, and I am mortified even though they maybe kinda nail it?

Aha! And Then Dawson sings about knowing about the surprise party and that part’s kinda funny.

drunk awkward teens

drunk awkward teens

Standing ovation for the drunk tweens. Then the waitress tries to ID them and Andie is like, shit, you should have done that six drinks ago because I’m 16, and goes on a rant. Pacey drags her away.

At the party, Dad is crying to Mom that he doesn’t like the car she bought their son. Damn, it has a bow on it and everything and somehow Jen has decided to bang Ty in it… Ugh the hand on the window thing. Ty is like, quit trying to be a temptress, you whore. And they have a big fight and I don’t know what else he expected.

happy birthday indeed

happy birthday indeed

for the love of God why

for the love of God why

Jack now wants to talk to Abby about her theory on everyone being bisexual, and they do some actual naval gazing.

there it is

there it is

Dawson shows up to his party and he can barely stand, and immediately starts dancing on the furniture.

table dancing

table dancing

Joey tries to hide him in the bedroom and there Abby and Jack are making out in Dawson’s bed. Dawson makes a great drunk face and Abby thinks he is a scream, and Joey runs away with a serious case of the sads.

best face ever

best face ever

Mom knows right away her little pumpkin is hammered and then Dawson makes his wishes that mommy wasn’t a slut and daddy could hold down a job, and that Pacey would screw up his life again so Dawson would feel better, and then he moves on to labelling people: Jen is a skank, and Jack the gay girlfriend stealer, and of course, Joey, who needs to find herself, and he starts looking for her like for realsiies, and he makes this face and then tries to make out with her and Joey pushes him face-first into his bday cake.

where's joey

where’s joey

Eew. Cut to double puke scene. Haha Andie: Is it my fault or my Id’s fault? ID it my fault?

They are regretful for their bad behaviour and swear off booze for good.

On the porch Dad asks Mom if they have completely screwed up their son. Mom is like, n’ah he’s 16, but I am taking the car back to the dealership (sounds like a red tape nightmare) because he was too bad.

Joey is standing in the dark and Jack comes to talk to her. And she’s just like … ABBY. Jack is like, yah well, she made me feel normal, so that’s why. But I totally am gay. And he confesses that unlike all other teenagers everywhere he just wants to fit in.

Ty was waiting on Jen’s porch to make sure she knows that he is dumping her. She goes on a big speech about how he has urges and has been taught to deny them and whatever. And big speech and stuff and I tuned out, sorry.

Dawson is riding out the spins and Joey is like, I forgive you. Then Dawson says he is so lonely and what’s with dumping me for Jack and Joey is like, I just need to make sure I can be whole without you. He says, well, get it over with fast then because I love you, man. And once he is passed out she says she loves him back. And surprise, it is snowing. This is significant because they were talking about snow earlier, you see.


Dawson: My name is Dawson Leery. I’m feeling kind of weary. Today is my birthday. You all look a little blurry.

The girl I cared for, Left me and ran away, Straight into the arms of, A GUY THAT TURNED OUT TO BE GAY!

I got the blues! Yeah! Today I woke up feeling like I was born to lose! Yeaaah I got the bluuuuueeesss. Somedays you’re born to lose!

(stops singing) Here’s my friend Andie, she’s going to sing you a song because she’s got the blues!!!!

Andie: My name is Andie. And my brother’s the one that’s gay. My other brother died. And my daddy ran away!

But I’m still Andie. And my boyfriend makes me randy His name is Pacey, AND MY MOM’S GONE COMPLETELY CRAZY!

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah I’ve got the bluesssssssss!

Dawson: Sing it sister!

Andie: Sometimes you swear you were born to loooooosssssssseeeeeeee!

Dawson: Oh, we got the bluesss! Now it’s time to put on my dancing shoes!

Whoooooo! Yeaaaaaaaaahh! Alright!

Oh, I’ve been restless, hopeless and confused, This girl that I told you about, She’s been on the move, She’s at my surrrrprise party where everyone I know is at right now, And when I show up late they’re GONNA HAVE A COW!

Yeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh I got the bluuuuuuuueeeeeeeesssss! I swear sometimes we were born to lose!

Andie: No, brother man, WE got the blues.

Andie & Dawson: We got the bluuueeeessss!

Dawson: Sometimes you’re, you were born to lose! Ohhhhh yeah.