Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 4, Episode 23 – Coda

Opening scene, a flash from the past: Joey and Dawson are in his room watching the crummy movie he was making in the pilot episode. Remember the monster, and how Joey didn’t want to kiss icky ole Pacey? Dawson acknowledges the film sucks, and worse than he remembered it sucking.

Sucking!

Sucking!

They then rehash how that shitty movie won him some money that he then spent on his self-indulgent memoir of how he lost Joey. Somehow that awkward reference doesn’t derail the conversation and they discuss Dawson’s early departure from Capeside, which is coming up the day after tomorrow and dude hasn’t even started packing.

They commiserate over how Pacey’s been out of touch, and how both of them can’t hold down a relationship (Since at 18 they really should have that figured out by now, amirite?) and talk about how much they’ve enjoyed each other’s company.

CREDITS

Dawson, Jen, Joey and Jack are lying on the ground talking about summer jobs. They certainly have a lot of faith in the cleanliness of their town’s pavement, as though there isn’t loads of dried animal urine everywhere.

Then they play a game of Would You Rather? And Joey throws some shade at France by describing body odour as “French foreign exchange student bad.” Dawson grosses everyone out by making them imagine Grams having sex, and then after he makes movie plans with them all for that night, he leaves to meet his dad at a computer place.

Mitch is rattling off what would have been some flashy specs at the turn of the Millennium: 128 megabytes RAM, 32-gig hard drive, 56 K modem. But now it just sounds cute and slow.

Dawson says he’d rather have a Mac. Mitch is all, no, no, no, this PC is the best. Dawson’s like, well, I’d rather have no laptop then. I wouldn’t have thought Mac vs PC was going on this early.

Anyway, Dawson tries to dissuade his dad from spending thousands of dollars on something he doesn’t want. But no go, Mitch does it anyway, oblivious to the fact that actually a Mac would be a better use of money in the media arts field down the road. But what can you do.

Hey, an eMac! I had one of those.

Hey, an eMac! I had one of those.

At Grams’ place, it’s all packed up and boxed. Jen apparently has not begun cleaning and sorting her room. Grams and Jen plan a night time tea for their last evening in the house after the movies.

At the Leery house, Mitch wants to get the laptop up and running, and Dawson would rather keep his movie plans with his friends. Mitch picks a fight with him and can’t understand why an 18-year-old boy would rather be with his buddies his last night in town rather than hang out with his parents and baby sister.

Dawson says he’s been overbearing lately, but otherwise calmly and maturely tells his dad what’s what, and that he’s spending a portion of his evening with friends and that he’ll be back later. Mitch sulks and leaves.

Gail tells Dawson to go. I should point out they’re all outside and baby Lily is nowhere to be seen.

In the Caribbean, it looks like, sort of maybe (They are only calling it “Paradise” and there’s dudes with dreadlocks and some Spanish-looking houses), Pacey is wearing a lame Hawaiian shirt and borrows some guy’s cell phone to make a phone call. I am wondering what the hell kind of plan this guy’s got that he doesn’t mind handing Pacey his cell phone in the year 2001 to make a random long distance phone call.

Flip action.

Flip action.

He dials a million numbers and lets the phone ring all of three times before giving up. Well, wherever they are isn’t so exotic that it doesn’t have cell towers.

At the movies, Jack is going on about the colossal hugeness of Dawson and Joey saying goodbye. Srsly? No teenagers ever care this much about their friends’ brief failed romances. Their own, sure, but not shit that happened two years ago. Dawson mentions he fell in love with someone else this year, but… Joey. Poor Gretchen.

Jen and Joey talk about Dawson and Jen says if Joey asked him to stay, he would. Joey’s incredulous about asking him to avoid a great opportunity, even though *cough* *cough* FRANCE *cough* But then it looks like she thinks that’s actually true and seems to toy with the idea.

Looks like they’re seeing American Graffiti.

After the show, they have this weird exchange where everyone kinda needs to go home but keep offering to get a bite to eat. Then they awkwardly decide to go home. It’s like watching a questionable first date come to an end.

At the Leery house, Gail and Mitch are scrapbooking Lily’s baby book, which they have time for because she never cries or needs anybody.

Blow dry hair, check. Light candles, check. GEt husband involved in baby book, check. Babies are easy as pie.

Blow dry hair, check. Light candles, check. Get husband involved in baby book, check.  

Mitch is passively complaining about Dawson’s lack of interest in spending his whole last day hanging out with him. Gail plays armchair psychologist and calls Mitch out for feeling insecure about the future.

Dawson drops Joey off at her house and Jen and Jack wait in the back of the jeep while those two have a drawn-out goodbye filled with lame small talk about how LA has “lots of malls.” Joey tries to draw him into a conversation about what he’d say to Spielberg if he ran into him in LA. Uh, you do remember two other people are waiting in the car, wanting to go home and pack, right? Wrap this shit up, lady.

But Joey’s talking about Spielberg’s presence in his life as a metaphor for herself and her role in his life, and Dawson gets a little emotional. Then they say that they’ll see each other at Christmas and they hug, and Joey gets a little emotional.

Then Joey goes inside and feels all sad and conflicted and Dawson slowly walks away, also feeling bummed and stuff, then turns tail and goes back to the door, looks at it and says, “Bye, Joey.” That’s a little dramatic. Who was that for?

At the final stop, Jack and Jen present Dawson with… a cell phone. It’s huge, of course, and probably oodles of money. They said they felt he’d need one in LA, but there’s only 5 minutes of air time. Which is in stark contrast to Mr. Carte Blanche who handed Pacey his cell to use at his discretion.

Jack drives off after a friendly razzing and then Jen and Dawson have a warm goodbye in front of her house. He offers to sleep with her if she’s got five minutes. Womp womp.

Inside the house, Dawson finds a mac laptop. My googling suggests this is a Titanium PowerBook, which would have cost between $2,200 and $3,000 at the time. Fancy!

Slick.

Slick.

Mitch and Dawson bond over the technology and hug, as Apple products are wont to make men do.

Now Mitch wants to know how the goodbye with Joey went. Jesus Christ. Is it standard for people to not let you get over an ex like that? People do generally encourage those they love to move on, right? Dawson says it was underwhelming, and Mitch says it’s not over till it’s over.

Grams and Jen are having tea and talking about the Creek, and Grams says some people chase the happiness of their teenage years forever and it’s sad, but that won’t happen to Jen and her friends because they’re always moping about and being dramatic and depressed.

Jack then knocks and comes in and Grams feeds him cookies. She then tells stories about her early years married to Gramps. They used to avoid the heat of their apartment over his law office by sleeping on the roof. They weren’t scared of raccoons, I guess.

Dawson gets a call from Pacey, who’s on that cell phone again, racking up a bill like no one’s business (I once had a 5-minute call to Ireland that cost my husband-then-boyfriend $50 and that was on a landline in 2006). He asks him where he is and Pacey says, “Paradise.” Dawson doesn’t press for more information like a normal person would. How convenient. They slowly reminisce on that random guy’s dime and hang up after some heart-to-heart feels. Joshua Jackson certainly looks a lot puffier than he did in earlier seasons.

Dawson then stares at an empty suitcase, makes one attempt to pack and then grunts and leaves the house. And Joey’s already there, walking towards him. And since he’s got a lot of packing to do, they go to his room and watch ET instead.

Good use of time.

Good use of time.

Oh no, look at that, a full suitcase. He packed, then ET. Hey, what time is it? They saw a movie, agreeing to meet up at 6:00. But it was dark out when they got to the theatre. Probably about 10:00 when Dawson got home. Then talk with dad, call from Pacey, staring at suitcase, packing with Joey, watching ET. It’s, what? 1:00 a.m. now?

Anyway, they lay down and Joey talks about his awesome future girlfriend that she’ll hate. Then they start swapping memories from past seasons. The time Dawson and Eve got caught making out by the whole school, the time Joey offered to sleep with Dawson and he turned her down, the time Joey lied to Dawson about having sex with Pacey.

Dawson then laughs because of his friends, he’s the only virgin.

Dawson asks about her most life-altering moment and rather than when her mom died or her dad went to jail or the Ice House burnt down, or when she got accepted to college, or watching her nephew be born during a hurricane, she said the time Dawson first kissed her. Pfft.

And then like an asshole she asks him to stay, because accepting he’s going off to bigger and better things without her just doesn’t seem like the thing to do. Dawson, to his credit, doesn’t fold like a wet paper bag and stay. He says it’s time for him to go and this chapter between them is closing. So Jen was wrong.

Joey then gives this sorrowful goodbye that seems to wring more drama out of the moment. And Dawson says his most life-altering moment is now, saying goodbye to Joey. And then they kiss. And it’s the same basic shot we were left with at the end of season 1.

For the record, this would have been a swell way to end the series. All bittersweet and not tidily wrapped up in a little bow with the kids leaving the Creek into the unknown.

But NOPE! Two more seasons to go, folks.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 4, Episode 22 – The Graduate

Time for graduation. In Capeside they apparently have to practice it before the actual ceremony which takes a boring thing and makes it even more boring, which, when you think about it is sort of this show’s M.O.

Joey has to make a big speech which isn’t ready (saving both us and her classmates from enduring it twice). Pacey is in so much danger of flunking he’s not even allowed to attend the practice.

Everyone wants to see Pacey succeed. We are treated to this info from a number of heartfelt convos.

Toby tries to force Jack to call him his bf. Then Toby says “What if she doesn’t like me?” and my whole damn day is ruined because this must be the legendary show where ANDIE COMES BACK.

SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK.

Drue tries to crawl in Jen’s window as I wonder why my teen friends and I didn’t have more ladders. She wraps him in one of Gram’s quilts and they talk about how his parents don’t love him.

Pacey is writing the big exam. He only brought one pencil and breaks it immediately. Teach gives him one, and Pacey goes on a big rant about how no one cares about the slow kids and storms out.

Joey wants to fix it and he tells her to hit the road.

Outta nowhere Bess hands Joey a letter from her dead mom. That strikes me as something that coulda used a bit of stickhandling, no?

AND THERE SHE IS THE DEVIL

You thought I was gone forever

You thought I was gone forever

Whyyyy.

Jack intros Toby as bf, so that’s settled.

Joey takes her letter to Dawson so he can read it.

After a giant sap party we move on to a party for giant saps. Andie rubs in how much fun she had in Italy and it is as annoying as you think it is.

Andie is better than you

Andie is better than you

Pacey’s teacher shows up at his house to offer him a chance to write the test, and to tell him that it is dodos like Pacey that keep him teaching.

Jen and Drue get busted trying to reset the sprinklers to go off during grad. Their punishment is to listen to the principal guy play the cello terribly.

Andie is a bitch to Dawson about his breakup. Then her and Pacey talk forever. He passed high school in case any of you were worried.

Pacey runs into Joey and they make nice and act weird.

Pacey is grinning his face-off at empty grad before taking off to his new job and skipping the ceremony. Meanwhile Joey is bitching at Bess about being late. Bess tackles her with a lipstick again while Jann Arden croons Good Mother in the background.

The Dawsons and their infant prepare to go to grad (they are bringing Dawson’s little sis too, har har). They give him a watch or something else that looks engravable.

Pacey is packing for his boat and his bro is actually being nice.

Joey gives her speech with some female rendition of “fields of gold” in the background (they musta blew the music budget on this one). Then the sprinklers go off. Oh Drue. Everyone is spinny and smiling and slow mo. THE END

Grads

Grads

more grads

more grads

Joey

Joey

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 4, Episode 21 – Separation Anxiety

Opening scene, Jen is grilling Jack about his love with Toby. She pretty much forced them to be a couple and so now she wants gossip.

Drue comes over and hands them their year books. Pacey and Joey are named class couple and apparently they haven’t talked since Pacey made a scene at the prom. Gretchen has gone back to school, too. She has? In June? Is that allowed?

The three start making bets about which relationships will make it, but cover their tracks when Dawson arrives.

CREDITS

At the Leery house, Gail interrupts Dawson in the study to meddle in his relationship with Gretchen. Dawson tells her to butt out. Doesn’t she have a newborn she could be tending to instead of this? Why do babies on this show never cry or need anyone?

Gail reveals Gretchen is leaving town. Wait, didn’t everyone already talk about that? Why doesn’t Dawson know this stuff? Gail says it’s her last day at the restaurant. She suggests Dawson talk to Gretchen and to open the conversation with him asking her to sign his yearbook. Dawson’s all, “Lame, Mom!”

Pacey’s fixing Gretchen’s car and she tells him that rent is paid till the end of the lease, which is end of next month. So I guess Pacey’s going to be homeless again?

Then they talk about how they’re passively avoiding their romantic ex-partners, and aren’t willing to actually face their problems.

At Jen’s house, a realtor is showing an uppity couple around. Jen’s like, uh, what? Seems Grams thought the most sensitive thing to do would be to sell her house and let this stranger deliver the news while having randoms walk through.

At the yacht club, Joey’s working and that guy from her college shows up to talk about his next party (Do universities generally go to small rich towns and throw parties?) He wants her to bring Pacey, and rather than simply saying they broke up, she drags out this awkward response. And wouldn’t you know it, he wants her to bring Pacey anyways because the Dean of Admissions has an offer for him.

Yep, that’s how college works. Why not, right? Joey, who’s still obviously in love with Pacey, seems jazzed about this.

Now he won't have a reason to humiliate me in public!

Now he won’t have a reason to humiliate me in public!

Jen is taking Grams to task about selling the house, which she’s doing to help pay for Jen’s college. No help from her parents? No student loan? And why in all this time has Jen not bothered to get a job? Grams’ plan is to move to a retirement community, and Jen’s not hip to this idea.

Dawson shows up to the restaurant to see Gretchen and sticks with his mom’s yearbook signing plan to jumpstart a conversation. Gretchen says she signed up for summer classes to make up the work she missed. Colleges have summer school? Well, this one does. Anyway, they start in a month and before that she’s planning to take a road trip. How much does this bartending gig pay to finance rent, a car, groceries, college courses and a road trip?

Gretchen takes the yearbook to write something in it before she leaves. Dawson tells her not to write “Have a bitchin’ summer.”

Joey shows up at Pacey’s place, gives him the Worthington party/admissions rundown and he cuts her off to tell her he misses her. And my goodness, does he have a stupid look on his face.

College? Blargh, me... miss you... ughfgd....

College? Blargh, me… miss you… ughfgd….

Without talking or resolving anything, he agrees to go to the party.

Pacey’s helping Gretchen pack groceries for her road trip, which looks like a pile of junk food. She thinks he shouldn’t go to this party, which is ridiculously dumb. He has some unknown offer waiting for him with no other prospects in sight and he should avoid going because he and Joey “need some time”? Gretchen, you disappoint me.

Pacey says he’s gotta go see what this offer is, and not because it might be a crack at a future but because it’ll be some kind of sign he’s supposed to be with Joey. This show is rife with bullshit magical thinking.

Pacey and Gretchen have a moment and hug and shit in case they don’t see each other again before she leaves.

When Jen and Grams pull into the retirement community, an old biddy who doesn’t know the meaning of the word “retire” gives them a lengthy lecture about getting a pass, and says “pass” about 30 times.

Dawson is screening his movie with his dad, who loves it, but he’s thinking about Gretchen. The house is neat, clean, quiet and devoid of all the baby paraphernalia a couple of middle-aged yuppie parents would own. Mitch gives him a pep talk that seems geared to getting his son to run off with his ex-girlfriend for the summer. Huh.

Pacey arrives to pick up Joey at her place for the party. He goes in for a kiss and, oh, denied!

Jen is hectoring Grams about selling the place and moving to the retirement prison. She says she should have taken out a loan if she was going to turn her nose up at her parents’ money. Well, yes. Yes, she should have. And in light of those stupid choices, Grams is nuts.

Joey and Pacey get to the party and she makes a weird comment about Pacey not missing a chance to show off in a suit. What? She goes off with other freshmen, who are from the area, I guess? How prestigious can this school be if so many freshman are located locally around Capeside? Pacey walks off with whatshisface to find the dean of admissions, arm around the guy like they’re old friends.

Dawson shows up at Gretchen’s place and flings himself at her, saying he’s coming along too. And nuts to boring old graduation ceremony in less than a week. Actually, I’m with him there. Graduation days are the most tedious milestones ever. She thinks he’s crazy, and so does he, and lookie there, she agrees to let him come. This is, I must say, more believable than Joey running off with Pacey all last summer.

Dawson starts writing his parents a letter and Gail bursts in to ask him to babysit so she can do something at the restaurant. Uh oh, Mrs. Leery, you might lose your built-in babysitter this summer. She sets the baby in a bouncy chair on the bed rather close to the edge and leaves.

Dawson starts talking out his guilty inner monologue to the baby, who doesn’t give a shit.

At the party, Pacey gets his offer: a chance to work as a deck hand on the dean’s ship. He’d not make a ton, but he’d see some gorgeous islands. Pretty reasonable offer, actually. It’s not likely they’d throw a college acceptance his way just because they like the cut of his jib. He seems disappointed, even though a summer job, which comes with a place to stay are both things he doesn’t currently have right now.

Rats.

Rats.

Jen tells Jack she won’t be going to college with him after all. He’s not mad, but he calls her out on her shit, how she got an out from going when she never wanted to go, and justifies leaving her best friend in the lurch because she’s martyring herself for Grams. Jen admits she’s too scared to go to college and leave her Grammy.

Pacey tells Joey about the job offer and she too is all sad about it. Christ, it’s like these kids think the world owes them something. It’s a job offer relevant to Pacey’s skills, age and education. What’s so bad about working for an important man all summer and making a good impression?

Joey wants to go home (because how insulting is it for him to be offered an adventurous summer job?) Pacey tries to talk her into staying, but they leave.

Gretchen pops over to Dawson’s, who is holding his sleeping baby sister. He puts her down in a nearby bassinet and fusses over her a bit. Then he references Alexander growing up close to his sister and maybe they’ll crawl into each other’s rooms too, and he just can’t stop with the Joey references. Gretchen’s face looks just less happy enough to realize this ain’t gonna work out.

She gives him a kiss and there’s a weird energy in the air and she says goodbye. Dude, I think Gretchen’s leaving without you. You put your foot in it about Joey one too many times.

Pacey drops Joey off, but she wants to go to his place “to just sleep”.

In the morning, Jen asks Grams to come to Boston with her. Grams think she’s worried about her, but Jen says she basically needs Grams around as her security blanket. And with some coaxing, but not too much (Grams uses the term “cramp your style”) it looks like this is going to be a thing.

Don't leave me!

Don’t leave me!

Joey finds Pacey at the docks, still brooding over not getting a freebie acceptance into college (Note, he didn’t even give them an answer, just left the party to sulk). He acknowledges he was a dick at prom and it’s his fault they broke up.

Dawson’s finished packing his bag and then ominously finds his yearbook waiting for him outside. Gretchen basically left a Dear John letter inside it for him to always remember the time he was ditched.

Dawson then finds Joey at a pier (How do these people always find each other on random docks and piers?) and they say very little.

MVA: Jen, “I’m an 18-year-old woman who can’t handle being away from her Grammy.”

(Not really the most verbose, but I enjoyed her use of the word Grammy for personal reasons.)

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 4, Episode 20 – Promicide

yay its prom

yay its prom

Bess is making alterations to Joey’s dress….because she is too poor to go buy a proper one, I imagine. Luckily it looks just as crappy as your average store-bought prom dress. Shortly we find out that in Capeside kids with bad grades can’t get tickets to prom. Might I suggest that real-life proms would be improved greatly by this practice? Bad news for the lovable screw up Pacey, who just wants to give Queen Josephine the perfect prom and we know that’s not happening and then he rips her homemade little dress. That my friends, is what we call foreshadowing.

Next Jack and Jen and gay friends are trading war stories. Jack doesn’t want to take a boy (specifically that Toby character) to prom because last year the shit hit the fan. And his  aforementioned PTSD.

All the kids who can afford prom clothes go shopping together and they take Joey so she can hold their bags and understand her place in the world.

joey-rella

joey-rella

The gang lets it drop that Pacey is taking care of all prom arrangements…should be NBD.

Turns out Gretch didn’t get *that* job in Boston. Dawson offers to skip prom in case moping around would cheer her up, and she’s like n’ah would rather be the old broad at a prom.

Now Jen’s telling Toby that Jack wants to ask him to prom, even though Jack specifically said he was not interested in that.

Joey is trying to seduce Pacey and all he wants to talk about is turkey (sandwich).

Now Jack is going to the prom with Toby and as revenge he sets it up so Jen has to go with Drue.

Now the Dawsons are taking pics of the highschool senior cradling his baby sister. In short order Joey shows up and they take pics.

what should have been

what should have been

Meanwhile I have discovered the secret formula to the adorableness in Joey’s smile. She pushes her tongue against her teeth and you can see it. WORKS EVERY TIME! Imma use that one next time I’m trying to talk my way out of a speeding ticket.

Gretch and Pacey show up and stupid Pacey never put the corsages in the fridge so they are dust. Ohhhh you!

Jack wrestles his ptsd to pick up toby, while Jen hits the bottle to cope with Drue. The limo shows up and it is just too shitty even for this show. After a quick stop for twinkies and condoms we are at the prom.

…ON A BOAT!

Joey and Pacey immediately have a row (see what I did there). Too bad they are trapped on a damn boat.

Now Jen’s all drunk (again). And leaning against a rail like she didn’t watch her friend drunk drown. Turns out she is half suicidal after seeing her dad.

Talky, talky…teary, teary.

Since Joey is ditched, Dawson pity-hangs with her. Joey wants to know if he is in love with Gretch since she knows they are gonna do the nasty in honour of prom. Then they talk about being first loves and dance.

Gretch drinks because she is old and Pacey tells her that he’s angry at Joey and doesn’t know why.

After that Jack ditches Toby since he likes him.

Pacey screams down the prom for no reason and completely humiliates her in a way that gives me secondhand embarrassment.

mean

mean

Then Jen almost flies off the boat, Drue saves her then she pukes on him.

Jack sucks face with Toby while Gretch dumps Dawson for being in highschool (and still in love with Joey).

Pacey approaches Joey and for some strange reason she doesn’t rip his nuts off. He goes on another rant about being a loser. So now we all feel sorry for Pacey again. Well, i don’t, but I think that is the general consensus.

In the limo Jack offers Drue his money, but he won’t take it (awwww). Everyone else makes super pissed off faces and the limo driver wants to go to the afterparty. No dice.

I’m with Gretch, teenagers are dramatic!

this was fun

this was fun

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 4, Episode 19 – Late

Opening scene is Mitch and Dawson making fun of Gail’s overdue (by two weeks) pregnancy while she’s getting ready for a dinner out. She emerges in labour and they rush her out. She says she’s been feeling pains all day. And yet she was still getting ready to go out to dinner? Well, she does have a flair for the dramatic.

CREDITS

Turns out the contractions were just Braxton Hicks, AKA false labour. The doctor says they’ll induce if baby’s not out in a couple days. Now, I don’t know if the early oughts were really this laid back, but a 40-year-year-old woman 42 weeks pregnant would probably have been induced by now. Just saying.

Mitch wants to know if they can speed thing along. Pfft, like every asshole they know hasn’t been pushing their labour-starting remedies on them already: spicy food, walks, nipple stimulation, sex, acupuncture, raspberry leaf tea, etc. And this doctor? Suggests… talking to the baby.

No wonder she’s letting an old woman go past 42 weeks. She’s a quack. Mitch says they haven’t named the baby yet. Dr. Quack writes Gail a prescription: name the baby. Like that’s really her biggest concern. Yeah, baby won’t be born because it doesn’t have a name yet. Makes sense.

Jack shows up late to some sort of tutoring thing with Toby and some boy who’s the only other black person in town other than the rarely seen Bodie.

Joey’s all antsy trying to call Pacey, who’s away on a fishing trip with Doug, which is weird because they hate each other. Bessie wants Joey’s help to wrap a gift onesie for Gail. Joey bolts and heads to Pacey’s house.

Dawson is apparently throwing a “naming shower” where you have to bring names. Throwing shindigs for a pregnant lady who could blow at any moment seems like a waste of time, but whatevs.

Gretchen drops a bomb that she might move away to be an editor at a lifestyle magazine. Dawson, who has a history of thwarting women from following their dreams, doesn’t seem overly jazzed.

I kept Joey from France, so how hard could this be?

I kept Joey from France, so how hard could this be?

So they discuss long distance and all that, but if you ask me, this is it. Gretchen plays it like she’s living in the now, and Dawson seems like he’s way more upset than she is.

Tutor time is over and Jack sends Toby off early. He goes to the bus, and there’s a couple guys there. He makes small talk about buses and the weather and then the guy gets up.

Joey arrives at Pacey’s place and Gretchen is there and spills the beans. There’s no fishing trip. Pacey got arrested for public drunkenness while Joey was in NY. Doug got the charges dropped and took him camping to talk sense into him.

Why change it from a camping trip to a fishing trip…?

Gretchen tells Joey Pacey’s in a lot of pain right now (no college, girlfriend leaving) and needs help and doesn’t want her putting pressure on him right now. Joey wants to know how to contact him and says she can’t promise not to give Pacey hell. Gretchen asks how she could be so selfish.

ME?! Selfish? Well, yeah, obvs.

ME?! Selfish?
Well, yeah, obvs.

Has she met Joey?

Joey reveals her period is late. Uh, then get a pregnancy test? Gretchen reassures her and tries to convince her to take a test, and Joey cuts her off and leaves. This is so overly dramatic. Just pee on the fucking stick. Pacey doesn’t need to hold your hand beside you on the toilet.

At the shower, Gail is buzzing around, which Grams says is nesting. Gretchen, Joey and Bess show up. Joey still hasn’t taken the test from the looks of things.

And that’s everybody. Does this woman have no friends? Look at the guest list: her husband, son, next-door neighbour, two of her son’s friends plus his ex-girlfriend’s older sister, and one of her employees. Gail’s life is mega sad.

And Grams kicks the men out, so it’s just Joey, Jen, Grams, Bessie and Gretchen left with Gail.

At the tutoring thing, Jack shows up and the kids are in chaos because Toby isn’t there and no one’s heard from him.

Grams is doing some stupid needle dangling test she says was the ultrasound of the middle ages. Gail is asking if it’s a boy or girl. Might I remind everyone this lady was a nurse, and Gail would have already had ultrasounds that could have answered that question.

Mitch and Dawson are up in a treehouse pretending to smoke cigars.

Yep.

Yep.

Mitch starts talking about how shitty it is to have a newborn. He then gets all sexist with the whole men don’t love babies the way women do, not at first. Which is total shit. Some women don’t bond right away and some men will kiss their new babies while they’re still gooey.

He says when he heard “daddy” in the night, he got it. So, basically he’s telling his son he didn’t really love him or get fatherhood till what? 18 months? 2 years?

Seems a somewhat unhealthy lesson to impart to your son, that he won’t love his kids as much as his wife will at first. He has no way of knowing that.

The names at the shower are killing me. Sophie, Isabella, Jackson, and Emma. THESE ARE THE POPULAR NAMES TODAY. Others: Satchel (What?), Thomas, Rose.

Mitch and Dawson muse about Gretchen moving to Boston. Mitch says to do his own thing because you never know what can happen. Then he name drops Joey because somehow everything has to be about her.

Joey then, with no names to offer, gives the uber useless present of a necklace that Gail now has to hang onto for about 10 years before the kid can actually have it.

The ladies reminisce how Bess gave birth during the hurricane. She then tells the story of how Joey was born, with their mother most improbably yelling after 36 hours of labour, “Josephine, Josephine, everyone’s waiting to meet you.” I call bullshit. That woman was probably swearing and cursing life. But we have to lend credence to this nonsense that a baby has to be named and called before it’ll come out, don’t we?

Joey excuses herself from the story because she can’t help drawing more attention to herself, even when she’s the centre of attention at another woman’s shower. If she’d just have taken the fucking test she could be acting like a normal person right now.

Jack checks in with Toby at his house. Toby won’t see him and shouts that he has the flu. He fakes for a bit then gives up and opens the door.

The flu?

The flu?

He says he was mugged and Jack presses him to make a police report. Toby refuses, alludes to frightening some people, and slams the door.

Bessie tells Joey she’s acting like a weirdo and surmises that Joey might be pregnant. Joey acts like an asshole and infers that Bessie’s life is a trainwreck, which is a mighty smug thing to say when you yourself may be knocked up before leaving for college.

And now Gail is in labour.

They’re at the hospital and for some reason Gretchen came along.

Jack visits Jen, who’s knitting outside, and he tells her Toby’s injured. He thinks Toby was the victim of a hate crime. Jen pushes him to do something about it.

At the hospital, Dawson and Gretchen talk about their relationship and how they’re probably not going to be together anymore and Dawson basically wants to know if they’ll have sex before she leaves. Gretchen’s like, no dice, man. I’m not getting closer to you so we can leave each other.

Mitch interrupts. False labour again. Jesus, just get the kid out already. She’s old. What is with this frigging hospital?

Joey shows up to Pacey’s house that evening to speak to Gretchen. She’s obsessing about her maybe pregnancy. JUST TAKE THE TEST. God, this is so unnecessary.

Gretchen tells Joey, whether she chooses to stay pregnant or not, it’s about family. Then she tells her she miscarried while in college. Then they start getting mushy about Dawson for some reason.

At the Leery house, Gail wants to go to the hospital again, but Mitch is done with her crying wolf and he wants to watch a movie on TV. Gail drags him by the ear, so they’re off again.

At Toby’s house, Jack has brought an officer over. Toby wants them all to leave and then the officer tells Toby about his statistically increased risk for violence due to him being gay. The whole thing comes off like a public service announcement. Toby then shares the story and he was indeed attacked because he was gay.

At the hospital, Mitch tells Dawson that Gail’s been in hard labour all day. And you’re in the waiting room because…? Mitch is expressing frustration but Gail calls out and he runs back in.

Joey comes back home in the morning after sleeping at Gretchen’s. She talks to Bessie about how she hated Joey when she was born and all the bad life choices. I can’t help but wonder what’s so bad about running your own B&B with your common law spouse. Babies out of wedlock aren’t that big a deal when you’re a grownup.

Bessie gets out a pregnancy test. THANK YOU. This stupidity has been going on two days longer than it should have. Alexander wakes up and Bessie leaves the room. Joey starts crying over the First Response box like a dick. Just take it. What is wrong with you?

You don't even know if you're pregnant yet! Shit, get a grip.

You don’t even know if you’re pregnant yet! Shit, get a grip.

Jack shows up at Toby’s to make him go to tutoring. Jack acknowledges he’s a gay guy too and that assault could have happened to him so he can’t just fly under the radar and let other homosexuals fight the good fight alone.

Joey’s in the bathroom, finally taking the fucking pregnancy test.

There! Now calm down already.

There! Now calm down already.

Boom. Not knocked up. All that freaking out for nothing.

At the hospital all the ladies show up with trinkets, which is very invasive and rude. Who just shows up to a birthing? Wait for a phone call and an invitation after the baby’s actually born.

Dawson and Joey talk about life, making plans with their significant others, and whatnot. Then Joey brings up having sex from her perspective. Good call, Joe. ‘Cause if there’s anyone who wants to hear about your sex life, it’s your ex-boyfriend. She’s trying to make it all about the intimacy concerns, but neglecting the fact that perhaps Dawson would just like to get laid already for his penis’ sake.

Then boom. Nurse comes, makes a birth announcement. It’s a girl. And Mitch seems very happy, so maybe he was talking out his ass earlier about men and babies.

And then comes the final heap of bullshit: Gail got the baby to finally come because she called out her name. Which, for the record, is Lillian, Joey’s mother’s name.

Pacey calls Joey and makes his first and only appearance in the episode. Joey doesn’t let him in on the drama, and he maintains the lie about fishing and Joey lets him. Again, changing it from camping to fishing is something I don’t understand. What a needlessly cumbersome lie.

Joey says I love you and hangs up the phone. Why does no one on TV say “bye” before doing that? Like, ever.

Dawson drives up to Gretchen’s, who’s taking a later train, I guess. They make out. Will they have sex? Oh, who knows.

MVA: Gretchen. “Speak your subtext, boy.”

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 4, Episode 18 – Eastern Standard Time

Today’s post comes (late) from Alek, as part of his community service for unmentionable crimes against the state of Massachusetts.

Oh my God, Dawson is still with Gretchen. And literally the first thing he says to her is that he’s thinking about Joey. Gretchen takes it because she’s a set piece. The two wild children decide to go on an adventurous road trip for senior ditch day (is that a thing?). We know that this is a new kind of rebellion for Dawson because of the allegro piano music.

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“Let’s go somewhere really fucking boring!”

Credits role, and there’s a change of tempo, because Jen is talking to a therapist (I assume) in a state of drama school sadness known as near catatonia. A soft fade finds Jen and Joey in Grand Central Station. I don’t know if this is a new flashback storytelling device, but it’s confusing.

Douchebag Drew and Pacey are at school on ditch day — Pacey, doubtless, for his academic failures, while Drew is likely there because the administration just discovered that he’s 34-years-old. They banter about what devilish rogues they are in the ponciest way humanly possible.

Joey and Jen walk into a bar in New York (heyo!), where they meet Jen’s old friend Tyfo. Jen introduces him as the “future of the expressionist movement” (*wanking gesture*), while Joey gets all nervous like a sheltered girl from a fictional town in Massachusetts where there are no black people, ever. Tyfo is super excited that Jen might be going to university in the city. This bar has lit up mannequin heads for lamps and I hate everyone in it.

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The future of expressionism is bleak.

Back at school, Pacey is taunted by his teacher, who is a Grade A motivational speaker. Pacey looks dejected right before his quiz, but you and I both know he has no future regardless.

Dawson and Gretchen get a flat tire on their road trip. The terrain makes it look like they’ve made it all the way to Arizona. I bet no one misses them. Gretchen offers to “use her body” for hitchhiking — what more can I say about Gretchen? Dawson convinces her to walk instead. The romance is palpable.

Joey and Jen are walking around the grimy New York City of the Police Academy films (AKA Toronto), and Joey deduces that Jen has been lying about her meeting with a university admissions officer. Turns out that she’s there to see her father. Jen tries to ditch her companion, but Joey can’t take the hint. It’s for the best, because I can imagine her getting mugged and falling asleep in a bus shelter in Downtown Brooklyn by nightfall if left alone.

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She’s wearing a suede jacket, for Christ’s sake.

Gretchen and Dawson wander into a fix-it garage in what we’re meant to believe is small-town Maine, but the mechanic sounds like he’s from Louisiana. He and Dawson start talking about cars or something, and I zone out entirely.

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“This here is the doowicky combulator, flerg blerg blerg.”

Joey and Jen have a heart-to-heart about Jen’s meeting with her dad. Jen admits to having hated Capeside in her youth, and tells a story about being a bratty kid and ditching her mom on a visit. I get why she got sent to live with bible-black Grams, because it sounds like she was a shit.

Gretchen tries to order a sandwich in a divey cafe, where the server is from Alabama. It’s almost as if the casting director doesn’t understand the concept of New England.

Jen’s dad permits her to visit him in his office. It’s super awkward for tag-along Joey, and me. Jen’s dad is proud of her university acceptance, so he clears his schedule to spend the day with her and her bumpkin friend. I hope he’s paying.

Drew and Pacey are hanging out in a shitty pool bar. The extras in this episode are exclusively from the deep south for no actual reason. Drew actually calls the place a saloon and gives Pacey a fake ID. They talk about their future failures and do shots like a couple of privileged white boys.

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“Would you accept my mother’s AMEX?”

Irv the mechanic is driving Gretchen and Dawson back to their car and being country camp with kindness, but when Gretchen asks about payment, Dawson realizes that they don’t have the money to pay the man. Irv drops them on the side of the road. I hope Leatherface shows up.

Jen’s dad is selling New York to Joey over drinks. I think he’s trying to be poetic, but it comes across as deeply lecherous. He makes me want to live in Cleveland out of spite.

Gretchen and Dawson aren’t dead yet. Next.

Pacey and Drew are many shots into their evening and betting on some cards. The bar owner grills Pacey on his fake ID, because he only cares about legality after the kids have paid for their booze.

Jen is disappointed when her father bails on their dinner for work. She proceeds to give Joey the shittiest tour of Manhattan in about six seconds because she’s caught up in her feels. Jen recounts spending the weekend homeless after her aforementioned aborted visit to Capeside, because her mother and father couldn’t be bothered to know where she was. No wonder Grams went the disciplinarian route.

Dawson has somehow managed to build a goddamn fire on a beach that couldn’t possibly have been near their car. I refuse to believe that he’d know how to undo a bra, nevermind build a fire. He fucks up a sure thing by talking about Joey again, before telling Gretchen that he loves her. She’s still into it. Gretchen, everybody!

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Oh, Gretchen.

Jen finds her dad passed out in his house with a snifter. She recalls catching him in flagrante delicto with a young mistress when she paid him a surprise visit some years ago. He tries to deny it like the shitty father that he obviously is, going so far as to call her psychologically unwell. This is some cold shit. It looks like Jen came all this way for a throwdown, and fucking Joey wouldn’t give her the space to do it.

Pacey’s hot cop brother Doug comes to pick him up after he’s been arrested with Drew. He berates him for being a loser, and Pacey has a freakout about what a failure he’s sure he’ll be. There’s a cutaway to Dawson and Gretchen heavy petting, which is super gross, so I’m just going to imagine that it’s Doug cooling off after his beat with some burly bear in his precinct. A guy can dream.

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Call me, tho.

MOR pop ballad montage. Everyone is sad about something. This episode is super morose with a few quirky interjections of out-of-place hillbilly nonsense.

Everything concludes with Jen, back in the present, wrapping up her therapy session. She decides that this will be her last visit, because she has nothing more to say. The therapist is like, “Bitch, what?” and she basically backs the fuck out of there like she’s repeating, “Lowenstein… Lowenstein…”

MVA: Pacey says to Drew, when they show up to school together, “Well, I heard you’d be here Drew, and far be it from me to miss out on even the smallest morsel of your flamboyant wit.” I LOL’d.