Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 7 – “Text, Lies and Videotape”

Therapy pro, Jen, schools Dawson on how it is. She brings up Freud and makes the obligatory reference to penis envy (I think the oedipal complex would have been infinitely more timely, but hey, what do I know?).

HEY AUDREY JUST ASKED JOEY HOW COME HER GUY LOOKS LIKE TOM CRUISE! #irony

Audrey is auditioning for THE REAL WORLD (fun fact: it is still going, and on its 31st season–who knew?), and asks the question “Do I go for vamp, vixen or all out slut?”. Sigh.

Joey makes ridiculous faces that I believe are meant to represent “thought”, and then she calls herself an idiot and Audrey doesn’t argue, says she got picked because she’s hot. This is clearly a feminist episode.

BRAINING

BRAINING

Danny (From henceforth, the poor man’s Paul Rudd) banters with Pacey and the waitress he is sleeping with.

Dawson’s therapist has some super funky hair. She makes a bad Good Will hunting reference. Dawson tells the therapist he’s having panic attacks because his father died, and the therapist immediately leads him to understand it is because he dropped out. Or something. She’s smug has that sexy throaty voice, and is generally extremely irritating.

so hip so insightful

so hip so insightful

Joey is at study group and everyone is being smart except Joey. They are assigned homework to figure out who the slutty letters are written to, and I have a feeling Joey will be the one to get this sorted.

At the restaurant the waitress is suddenly being nice to Pacey, and he is being grumpy. He tells her that he knows that she is the other woman.

Mama Dawson and son meet with the lawyer and find out that the baby isn’t in the will, so they are advised to go through his stuff to look for it.

Joey is talking to teach and wonders if Rose letters were to a friend because they are too honest to be to a lover. Teach helps Joey reason through this whole thing.

Turns out Dada Dawson never signed the will thingie (Mama found the unsigned document). Dawson looks positively mental.

bad dada

bad dada

Waitress apologizes to Pacey at his boat. It becomes clear that they will eventually hook up.

Audrey shows Joey her audition tape and you can see Joey’s aha moment. In an uncharacteristic move, Joey makes it all about her and runs out, giving Audrey hasty praise.

Danny’s wife shows up while he is dancing with mistress waitress.

Back in therapy Dawson keeps talking about the damn will. Holy shit that therapist is Pauley Perrette from NCIS. Didn’t recognize her as a blonde.

In the student group Joey drops the bomb that the letters are actually that chick’s diary. Everyone is super impressed. Then teacher gives her a lecture on how to be comfortable with uncertainty. While she is all alone with him. In his house. All is kosher here.

Jen gives a shout-out to Dawson on the radio as they both remember some steamy skinny dipping thing that I must have missed.

U been watching wild things?

U been watching wild things?

Pacey shows up at waitress’ house with food and puppy dog eyes. She gets a message from the married dude while Pacey exits stage left she picks up the phone.

Dawson gets a letter that he won a film festival his father entered him in. Mother and son bond over missing Dad.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 6 – High Anxiety

Opening scene, Dawson’s getting checked out by a doctor. Nothing wrong physically, but he’s having anxiety attacks, and has been since his dad died. He doesn’t think it’s grief stress though. Doc thinks otherwise and hooks him up with a therapist in Boston, who is the best. Dawson sensibly asks if there’s not someone closer, but apparently not.

WTF? They have a TV station, but no shrinks? Capeside never makes any effing sense.

The receptionist walks in with an appointment for 5:00 the next day. How good can this guy be to be available that short notice? Hope you didn’t have anything important planned tomorrow, you’re going on a last-minute train ride and an overnight trip. (Hopefully you work through your grief fast or you’ll be making a lot of big trips to Boston. Seriously, what doctor would make treatment this unnecessarily cumbersome?)

CREDITS

Joey walks in and Audrey’s messily tidying her trashy belongings. Her pillow is hot pink and furry and there’s leopard print everywhere. Her mom is coming for a visit, and this is someone who used to hit on her boyfriends, so Audrey’s not keen. Joey’s skeptical that she’s all that bad, and changes the subject to Dawson, who hasn’t called.

Jen’s hanging out with Pacey in a fancy boat (that can’t be his boat, right? How did he get his hands on another, much nicer boat?) and bemoaning her cheating sort of boyfriend. Pacey finds a stray necklace, then tells Jen to get even.

Dawson is walking around his house looking sad and a little anxious.

At the restaurant, Pacey’s eating for free on his day off and hands the stray necklace back to his boss, who wants to commit adultery on his boat again this evening. Bold request to effectively ask to screw in someone else’s home while they find something else to do. Pacey’s like, oh, I can’t ’cause I’m throwing a party tonight. Then a waitress announces, hey, Pacey’s throwing a party! The restaurant cheers and now Pacey’s stuck.

Dawson calls Joey and they have a stilted conversation about how he’ll be in town, but will just stay with Jack and Jen. And of course Joey pretends like it’s fine and she really isn’t okay with it at all.

Y U no Want me?!

Y U no Want me?!

Dawson arrives at the therapist’s, and it’s an empty, dark waiting room without another human being in. That’s not a good sign for a mental health professional. There’s a mysterious white box with a button on the table that looks like an answering machine. Dawson pushes the button twice, which is twice as bold as I would be.

He gets antsy after waiting about 30 seconds and gets up and leaves.

Audrey’s mom is in the dorm now, and Audrey is on a scale. Mom sees Joey, compliments her skinny figure and Audrey reveals Mom thinks her daughter has gained weight. Then Mom asks Joey how old she thinks she is. This woman is already a pain in the ass.

Cliche shitty mother

Cliche shitty mother

Then she re-phrases and asks if she looks more like Audrey’s sister or mother. Joey unloyally picks sister, which is the coward’s way out. Mother all the way, just for the look on her face after the reality check. Mom is flattered and now wants Joey to come out for dinner.

Audrey pulls Joey in the bathroom and insists she come to dinner, especially after saying Mom looks like her sister.

Dawson shows up at Jen’s place. Grams certainly managed to buy a lot of Boston house. Dawson asks if he can spend the night. Maybe call ahead…? Jen has to run out, presumably for that revenge. Jack is on the way to the frat (Oh good, he cut those stupid hair wings off) and invites Dawson along, who is happy to come.

Jen marches up to her paramour’s door and he’s not happy to see her, reminding her they had plans tomorrow instead. She bursts in, he takes a nervous look at the closet and she says she might need a Palm Pilot to keep track of her liaisons. Heh. Palm Pilot. She then says let’s get naked. Charlie’s like no.

She feigns hurt like she’s in a second rate film noir and says she’ll get her sweater and be on her way. Charlie speeds ahead of her and prevents her from opening the closet. He says he is having the sweater dry cleaned.

Then a young woman walks out of the closet claiming to be Charlie’s girlfriend (Because girlfriends generally hide in closets when other girls come over unannounced). Then Jen says she’s his girlfriend and then Charlie stares back at them trying to look cute and worried.

Womp...

Womp…

Womp...

…womp.

At the frat party, Dawson helps his team win a drinking game and looks jazzed to be there.

At dinner, mom wastes no time grilling Audrey about the sauce on her dinner plate, her exercise regime and the way she speaks. Joey leaves the table to make a call on her cell, which is a level of etiquette not seen in… ever? Dawson screens the call and gets back to drinking. Joey’s stuck at that dinner.

In Charlie’s room, he’s apologizing without really apologizing, “we never had that talk”, “it’s college”, and so forth. And then he takes the conversation in a direction where I think he’s going to suggest a threesome. Oh and he does.

Back at dinner, things are tense with hearing about how mom was an model and wanted to be an actress but got pregnant. Then Mom talks about how many private schools Audrey went through, and how she lacks focus.

Then she gets even more awful and tells Joey she basically paid the school to take her because her grades were shit.

Joey then calmly tells off Audrey’s mom, scoring one round of “maybe you’re mad because she’s 18 and you’re not,” and then they leave to go to a party, and Mom is left at the table.

Jen and the other woman, Nora, supposedly agree to this threesome. Having a rich history of television watching behind me, I surmise that they met beforehand, somehow knew he’d bring this idea up somehow (?) and are planning to humiliate him in some way.

Jen tells him to stand over by the closet and strip. But from the looks of Nora, is she even in on this? Now I’m not sure.

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

Charlie says no, you first. The ladies, who are now holding all the cards are like, n’ah, let’s go. Charlie, not wanting to lose his big chance, goes ahead and starts undressing while the girls egg him on. He gets down to his skivvies and then says your turn. Jen tells him they’re the ones holding the cards– hey!– and tell him to get naked.

Any asshole should be able to see through this obvious set-up, but maybe I’m overestimating the optimism of horny 18-year-old boys who’ve watched too many of the porns.

Charlie tosses his boxers into his iguana’s aquarium. My, this dorm has relaxed rules. Does he have a hot plate as well?

They get him to close his eyes and start moving him around, which doesn’t alarm him at all, and then shut him out of his bedroom, and walk off with everyone gawking at Charlie’s nudity. How’d they lock his door from the outside with no keys?

The two girls mosey off and throw away things that they stole from him, an autographed CD and his notes from a class he’s got a midterm in tomorrow. Jen holds up his favourite shirt which she says she’ll use to clean her toilet.

Okay, really? This is just overkill.

Jen invites her to a party, but she declines in favour of going back to her dorm and brooding. They say they’ll hang out but we’ll probably never see her again. So long, plot device!

At Pacey’s party, Audrey is flirting with him like a giant airhead, like he isn’t Joey most recent ex-boyfriend. Some friend.

A drunk Dawson shows up with the frat. Pacey’s upset with Jack for getting him hammered, and Jack’s like, meh, so long as he’s happier!

Dawson sees Joey, and is all HEY! I didn’t call you! Let me call you now! So he gets out his cell and leaves a message that ends with, it’s okay to leave you this kind of drunk message because you left me one once and if you hadn’t I would have gone back to LA and my dad would still be alive.

Whoa.

What the fuck was that?

What the fuck was that?

Dawson wakes up on Pacey’s boat to a disgusting hangover remedy. He feels like shit for blaming Joey for his dad dying.

Audrey says bye to her mom and they have a heart-to-heart that’ll probably improve nothing over time.

Audrey then thanks Joey for the self-esteem boost utilizing some mad vocal fry before it was cool.

Dawson makes it to Jen’s and doesn’t want a greasy breakfast, which is like no hangover I’ve ever had. They talk about how everyone’s handing his grief.

At the restaurant, Pacey talks to the waitress he always flirts with and sees the necklace he found around her neck. Ooh. The boss man’s sleeping with her.

As Joey’s walking him home to the train station, he says sorry and she forgives him. He tells her about the shrink appointment he never went to. Then he tells her how he was dreaming of them being together again and kissing her, and then his dad died and now he can’t imagine them together now.

So Joey kisses him and he looks sadder than ever. And Joey says now she’ll wait for him to be ready. So now that he’s emotionally unavailable she wants him again? Of course she does.

They stare at each other awhile and Dawson goes home.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 5 – “Use Your Disillusion”

Sorry folks. I’m a day late and a dollar short on this one. I got so distracted reading this yesterday that I forgot to watch Dawson’s.

Dawson is continuing to be more adult than the adults, helping his mom cope with the loss of Dada Dawson (I must say, I totally forgot this plot point. My memory of this show is all getting locked in Walmarts and everyone sleeping together and jumping into glimmering bodies of water).

Back at college Joey is making her roommate jog, and then they stop so she can go on a speech about how she needs to make everything perfect for Dawson since he is coming over while grieving.

you still talking?

you still talking?

Some dude shows up on a bike, and I think it is her prof? He wants to tell Joey all about some dead writer and how he gets to go through her papers to see if there is anything amazing that should be published. But surprise the kick off party is during Dawson’s visit and she declines so Dawson won’t get stressed out by being around other humans.

Jen and the tumbleweed are playing guitar and rubbing each other’s shoulders. She invites him to a play and he says no, he has to work. Jen, didn’t you watch the show a few weeks ago? You are just a lay. Then they start making out.

Pacey is in the kitchen, sucking at life as always. The sassy waitress comes in to let them know that she is still pissed she was passed over for chef for having a vagina. Pacey’s boss gives him the night off in exchange for Pacey letting him and the wife go bang on the boat he lives in.

Toby shows up whilst Jack is in the middle of pledge week. Ohh the conflict. On cue a cell phone rings because the frat guys are calling them for some good ole fashioned hazing. They casually name drop HBO like a message in a bottle or suicide note from the show’s writers who clearly know there is a better life out there for them.

Dawson shows up and roommate bolts out of the room with wet toe nails. Joey greets Dawson with a book called “How to deal with your parent’s death”. Subtle.

Jen is a bitch about Jack turning into a pod person and Toby defends him.

Joey smothers Dawson some more and he throws her some side-eye. Then a car flips in the movie and Joey hits the ceiling with horror and guilt. Dawson reassures her and they go to the party.

definitely should not have rented crash

definitely should not have rented crash

Jen and Pacey walk by her sex buddy on what appears to be a date. She wants to go in to murder him and Pacey talks her into going to the play instead. When that doesn’t work he throws her over his shoulder and drags her away.

not work

not work

Jack tells Toby it’s his fault that he got stood up because he doesn’t have a cellphone (He’s afraid of brain tumors…that lad is ahead of his time). Then Jack won’t tell him why he is late out of respect to his fraternity. Then the cell goes off and he’s gotta blow off their date again. Toby says its all good, and goes in for a kiss that doesn’t happen.

Jen is trying to watch Shakespeare after seeing her bf cheat on her. Ha, they are seeing Othello! Of course they are. Jen takes off.

Dawson freaks out in the bathroom at the party.

Jen will NOT wait to be seated.

Jen will NOT wait to be seated.

Jen shows back up to the restaurant and the girl is feeding him whip cream from a spoon. Jen dumps a coffee in his lap, and it turns out that it is his sister (who saw that coming? Everyone.)

Jack’s “brothers” are dissing Toby for coming to visit (“he’s checking up on you, bro!” “Dump the chump.”)

Dawson is freaking out in the kitchen now, and a girl is trying to help him while babbling about her addiction to listerine. Dawson freaks and tells Joey they have to go and runs out breathing heavy. Methinks his avoidant coping strategy is failing him. They make excuses for him and go back to the dorm.

Jen apologizes and wins her man back by offering to do his laundry. (I thought she was the sassy feminist around here?)

Jack explains to Toby why the frat is so important to him (because they want him for him…did he miss the part where they told him they needed a gay guy?)

Pacey meets his boss’ new wife and realizes his idol is a cheater.

Dawson leaves without his book and Jen waits with Toby at the bus station. Jen lectures Jack when he comes home and he tells her that the Dawson’s creek gang is so last season.

Jen takes an I’m sorry basket to Chucky and catches him smooching another lady. (Who saw that coming? Everyone.)

definitely not  his sis

definitely not his sis

Joey talks to roommate girl about Dawson and she wrote a really lovey inscription in the book he pointedly left on her bed.

Dawson drives around looking pensive.

The end.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 4 – The Long Goodbye

Opening scene, Mitch totally did not survive that car crash. The restaurant has a closed sign saying “Death in the family” and there’s flashes of the Leery house with Dawson doing dishes and the baby crying. And looks like he’s the one who’s taking care of Lily.

CREDITS

Dawson’s talking to a funeral director, making arrangements for his dad’s funeral, specifically picking out a casket. I won’t lie, this is a weird scene for me. I did that very thing a little younger than his age, though I wasn’t alone like he is, which is uncomfortable.

Joey meets Pacey at his boat to deliver the news, which by now is a couple days old. Pacey’s been ignoring his brother’s calls. He is obviously upset by the news and wants to know how Dawson’s doing. Joey snidely responds, “Not good, his dad’s dead.” He hesitates about whether Dawson would want to see him now and Joey quickly talks him into making a visit.

At the Potter B&B, Grams and Bess are getting food ready for the funeral reception and Jen is talking to Jack about not knowing what to say.

At the Leery house, Dawson puts his wide awake sister into the crib for a nap, and gazes at her. We see she has instantly fallen asleep, which no baby has ever done.

What a considerate baby.

What a considerate baby.

Gail is similarly passed out in her bedroom. Dawson lies down on his bed and relives a memory from his 12th birthday when his dad gave him his first video camera. I rather like how they did this scene, not getting a kid to play young Dawson, and just having James VDB do it himself. Less cheesy, somehow.

His happy memory ends and Joey comes in and sees him smiling. She wants to know if there’s anything she can do, and he says he has to get to the funeral home and his mom’s sleeping, so can she watch Lily? She says yes and compliments the suit Dawson picks up, which is for his dad to be buried in. She then makes a big deal over her gaff, making Dawson then have to reassure her. Shit, she’s awkward at this. When he leaves she has this super intense face.

At the funeral, it’s a music montage. Grams is holding the crying baby, Joey holds Dawson’s hand briefly until he unholds it to give his mom another tissue.

At the funeral reception, Grams offers to hold Lily for Dawson, but he declines, saying that she’s his buffer, and when he holds her people avoid talking to him and offering platitudes. Grams, who mercifully seems to be capable to approaching grief with some grace, inquires about Gail, who’s upstairs and won’t come down. Dawson asks her what her platitude is and guesses “The Lord works in mysterious ways.” Grams says she and the Lord aren’t on speaking terms this week. Grams is awesome.

Joey arrives at the Leery house and has a memory of Mitch putting the ladder up to Dawson’s room because he doesn’t want her climbing the trellis anymore. He then says Dawson will like her one day. So, Mitch was trying to help his son get some action with the neighbour girl? What a weird memory.

Jen finds Dawson inside and they have some comfortable/uncomfortable joking around about the need for alcohol or narcotics. Jen then offers him a hug and says she loves him, and that she otherwise doesn’t know what to do. He seems to enjoy the sincerity and takes the hug.

Joey finds Gail upstairs and manages to say all the right things to her. It’s all very odd. With her best friend/boyfriend who experienced something she’s familiar with, she’s awkward. With his mom, who she was harsh with during her affair with Bob the weatherman, she’s sage and kind.

Pacey shows up and Dawson says hi to him on the porch. They exchange some subdued pleasantries and Dawson reminds Pacey of the time Mitch caught them smoking in that very spot. Dawson has a laugh, but then says he has to go inside and be useful. He offers a handshake, but Pacey dives into a hug, which Dawson accepts.

Inside the house, Dawson is ambushed by the worst lady ever. She introduces herself as a friend of Gail’s from college. She wants to know how Dawson is channelling his grief, and he tries to escape the conversation but she won’t stop being inappropriate. Then the phone rings and the answering machine picks up and it’s Mitch on the recording. Dawson frantically tries to turn it off, but eventually pulls it out of the wall.

On the dock, Joey goes to talk to him, offers some stories about grief from her past, tells him it’ll get better. He says he had no idea when he mom died that it could feel like this, like being transported away and walking around in another reality. Which is actually pretty accurate. He then says Mitch’s death was his fault. He gives a detailed list outlining the series of small events leading to his dad driving that evening. Which is obviously nuts, but that’s grief for you.

Mitch had said he was disappointed in Dawson and he’s now living with the feeling his dad died being disappointed in him, en route to go shopping rather than driving him back to the airport. Though, if we’re going to go that route, let’s blame Joey too for jerking Dawson around to the point he wanted to quit film school in LA.

Grams is viewing her old house next door and sees Gail and bonds with her over being a widow. Grams is on fire at this funeral. She offers to stay for a bit and help with Lily, but Gail says she and Dawson have to tackle it themselves. I guess Gail wasn’t too concerned about Dawson dropping out of school if she’s thinking him sticking around is a great idea. I’d be taking Grams up on that offer.

Joey finds Dawson in his room after the reception and offers to stay, but Dawson has no interest and just wants to be alone. Possibly after all the chain-yanking and lack of support in other crisis, he’s just done with Joey’s brand of condolences.

Dude, get out.

Dude, get out.

Outside the B&B, Pacey tells Joey when he dies, he wants it to be funny, like getting hit by a clown car. Joey relays Dawson’s feelings about Mitch’s death being his fault, about him wanting to drop out of film school basically over her. And Pacey’s all, hey, you two never got your shot, maybe now it’s time. So… their being lovers and all serious only months ago means nothing? All water under the bridge? This is like their second meeting since their relationship exploded and everything’s hunky dorey?

Gail has a memory in the house of Mitch putting together Dawson’s crib. He says he is hoping for a freak kid who doesn’t play team sports and doesn’t peak in high school. Well, he got the son he wanted, so that’s nice.

Gail and Dawson talk about how Lily won’t know her dad, and Dawson says he’s not going anywhere any time soon. He also says he’s numb.

Pacey pulls into the Leery property and has a memory of Mitch teaching him to drive, which is nice. But then he turns back and when Mitch isn’t there, there’s a brief moment where he actually seems surprised. Weirdo acting choice. He wasn’t actually seen as being there, right? Just a recall of an earlier time? Or are you Andie now and seeing dead people?

Pacey rings the doorbell and wakes Dawson up. When asked how he’s doing, he replies, “He’s still dead, it still sucks.” Pacey asks him to go for a ride.

Pacey takes him to the crash site and relays the events of the accident, that some guy named Gary Peters worked a double shift and was asleep at the wheel, and that’s who killed Mitch, not Dawson. He gives him a very passionate and loving speech about his dad, but probably taking him to this location unprepared was not destined to be taken well. Dawson wants to go.

Back at her dorm, Joey tell Audrey about how Dawson wanted nothing from her at the funeral. She’s broken up about it, but doesn’t seem to see how past actions of breaking his heart in new and creative ways perhaps made him not want her company while he was in pain.

At the Leery’s, Gail and Dawson are having a gloomy silent dinner and Gail begins asking Dawson to go pick up some milk, but stops because the last time she asked that question, her husband died. Dawson goes to his mother, but then wordlessly leaves her to sob over the sink.

Eventually someone's going to have to go buy that milk.

Eventually someone’s going to have to go buy that milk.

Dawson goes to get the milk, and the cashier tells him he’s sorry for his loss, and that he spoke to Mitch that night, and that Mitch said good things about him, how he had a romantic streak and was proud to know him.

And when he gets in the car, he stops feeling numb and has a good cry.

Screen Shot 2015-09-08 at 3.36.44 PM

Then there is a music montage of the friends going out, Grams looking through an album, Gail bottle feeding her infant some juice (If this aired on TV today, the internet would explode with irate mothers citing the WHO and AAP).

No breast milk or formula for you!

No breast milk or formula for you!

The montage cuts to the friends going to Pacey’s restaurant, where at dinner hour he’s allowed to stop working and sit at the table and toast glasses with his pals. The writers of this show are constantly showing people in food service industries taking breaks and lollygagging. Have they ever worked one of those jobs? Or talked to someone who did?

The montage cuts to one of Mitch’s memories, of their final family photo and Dawson running off to the movies, and Gail going inside to feed Lily more juice probably, telling her husband to stay outside and play with his new fancy camera. Mitch looks around the yard and smiles at nothing in particular and then leaves his camera sitting outside on the tripod and goes in the house instead.

But don’t worry, everyone, he’s still out there today being a TV dad.

I'm Barry Allen's dad now.

I’m Barry Allen’s father now. Way more lucrative.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 3 – Capeside Revisited

Jen and Joey and gregarious roommate Audrey are hanging in some restaurant. Jen gets a call from Charlie, the new man. She says she answered the booty call because she could use the “snuggle”. Sounds legit. They talk about how Sex and the City they all are (Joey’s a Charlotte—tee hee!).

desperate pop culture reference

desperate pop culture reference

Then Joey goes to the can and sees Pacey working in the kitchen.

As I watch the intro I wonder if the actors were as over this show as the rest of the world was. Like Joey is jogging… you know who jogs? Grown-ups.

Outside the restaurant Jen admits to Joey that she knew Pacey was in town. Guess roommate is still inside dealing with the CHEQUE.

Dawson is sleeping over at Grams’. He’s belly-aching over giving his parents some news about what he is doing with his life.

Jack is playing videogames at some party. There are greek letters on the cup, so I can only guess it’s a frat party. They think he is bidding and from the look on his face it would seem that he had not been planning as much.

Now Pacey is bitching about not being head chef at his brand new restaurant job.

Jen is at the human teddy bear’s house and he wants to suck her face and she wants to bond and hear all about his childhood and stuff. She makes him tell her where he went to high school before she will drop her panties.

Dawson is frolicking in nature looking pensive. Oh wait, it’s his parents’ lawn actually.

Dawson confesses the big secret: he’s dropping out of film school because LA is shit and his friends all went to Boston. Papa Dawson flips and tells Dawson that he is mistaken, he will not be dropping out. Dawson looks stressed and mutters “welcome home” to an empty room.

Audrey tries to communicate with Joey, and Joey just insults her about being a slut. Audrey takes it and heaps on the compliments for some strange reason. I would knock that bitch out, personally.

Jack is opening his fraternity letter thingie, and by the face he makes when the guy says “Am I in or am I out?” you just know he is going to come out to these guys. He confesses, but they are all like d’uh, you are here because we need a token gay.

Jen and fluffy hair discuss how long they could go without banging each other and the stupidest bet on the planet begins.

Leerys yammer on about Dawson’s choice. Dawson says he hopes he never gets too busy living his life to sit around thinking about it… odd that. His dad booked him a ticket back to film school, and is all carpe diem or some shit.

Mama Dawson confesses she wants to have him close again and there is a really schmaltzy scene about how much the family loves each other. I guess they didn’t catch season 1 when mom was doing the weather guy.

happy happy happy

happy happy happy

And I’m getting distracted by how white this guy’s teeth are, and how this is just the perfect snapshot of white privilege.

our son is not awkward at all

our son is not awkward at all

Jen and the dandelion are annoying as fuck still. They get in a fight over subtitles.

Jack says Toby called him “Gay uncle Tom” at the frat and that’s entertaining as he relays all this to good ole Grams.

Jen has her shoes on this guy’s bed as they are unable to find a single common interest aside from getting it on. Since Jen is such a brainy feminist type, this must all be very hard on her.

Joey’s purposeful stride down the dock tells me she knows where to find Pacey. Oh there he is! She wanders up and starts yammering on about the stars. Then Joey interprets a scientific study she has read in a way that clearly indicates that she has less grasp of science than she does of writing.

Dawson is packing a bag, he says goodbye to momma and baby sis, and he hands his dad back the ticket. Dad makes sure Dawson knows he is disappointed in him, and that he loves him and he will always be there for him (my spidey sense are tingling here…something is not right). Too much soft music and Dad standing in the middle of the yard.

Jen and lips-on-legs break into the health centre to steal condoms and Jen realizes he CAN’T READ. Well, I didn’t see that coming. Oh, wait no, never mind he’s just NEARSIGHTED, my bad. I thought he was illiterate, but actually he just wears glasses.

Then they bang on the floor of the health centre.

Jack is talking to frat guys about being gay still.

Pacey is getting schooled on truffles at the restaurant.

Dawson and Joey talk about his big decision to drop out.

Meanwhile Daddy Dawson is driving home singing to the radio and dropping an ice cream cone in his lap

watch the road not your lap

watch the road not your lap

SHIT WATCH OUT THEY GONNA CROAK YOU–

well fuck

well fuck

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 2 – The Lost Weekend

In Joey’s swishy dorm room, she’s telling Dawson she intends to drop her writing class because she’s getting a C. So I guess quitting is better in the ivy leagues than just trying harder.

Dawson uses his cell to check his messages and says he got one from Joey on Friday. Oooh, so he didn’t get the message. Joey’s like, what?! and tries to grab the phone outta Dawson’s hands. He’s all about listening to it, though, so tough beans.

Ah, shiiiiiit.

Ah, shiiiiiit.

Did she not think it would come up? Dawson is upset because she basically said goodbye forever or something over the phone and then didn’t say anything about it when he got there, and Joey was like, well, you got here and didn’t bring it up, so why would I?

Uh, what? When you dump someone on the phone, typically you bring it up for discussion if that person shows up at your door.

Joey said she was drunk and mad he wasn’t visiting her and they never resolved anything, and Dawson’s confused about what didn’t get resolved. Then Audrey marches in wearing only a towel. Joey leaves after a lame suggestion of Dawson taking an impromptu campus tour (Which operate hourly or just on people’s whims?) while she drops that writing class. This leaves Audrey alone with Dawson, who she barely knows, in the dorm room in a just towel, which is something your average young woman has no apprehension doing within the safe perimeters of a college campus.

Now Jack is telling Jen some guy will call her even though he hasn’t got her number because that’s what technology is for these days: tracking down people you’re sexually attracted to. And to think, this is five years before Facebook.

Then they discuss sluttiness and how Jen’s not one, and I hate Jack’s hair something fierce.

Get a haircut, slob!

Get a haircut, slob!

It’s like a baby mullet.

Then, after his bit about technology, he reminds us it’s still early days and pulls out a map when he says they’re lost. Then, oh, look who it is, Chad Michael Murray (Charlie), that guy Jen was obsessing over. Dude, look at that hair. He holds a sign upside down from his radio show and Jen and Jack turn their heads to read it as though it weren’t entirely readable as is.

Womp womp

Womp womp

While trying to drop the class, the professor is calling out Joey for not being up for hard work and freaking out. Meanwhile, I’m distracted by those hip bones protruding above those ultra low-rise jeans and below a full-length shirt. God, I’m glad that style has fallen out of favour. It’s unnerving.

Anyway, Joey’s all “I tried but it’s complicated.” And while that shit used to fly with men back in Capeside, it cuts no ice with her professor who keeps challenging her. But then he gives up, makes a somewhat offside comment about it being like getting dumped, and that’s that. Or is it?

Now, Dawson is talking shit about Joey to Audrey, things like why is he letting this girl ruin his life? And how can someone so smart be so stupid? Well, it’s about time someone started seeing her clearly.

And it turns out dippy Audrey is the tour guide, so away they go. Jesus, if the tour is on her time, then why didn’t she suggest something fun? Like anything else?

Jen decides to crash Charlie’s radio show, and tease him on the air about a variety of topics. Because the surest way to get a boy to like you back is to shit on the things he loves.

They have a veiled conversation about how they met and him thinking Jack was her boyfriend and nope he’s gay, so now I guess they’re going to start something up together, which would never actually happen. Because, guys, she actually crashed his radio show and gave him shit on the air. That just screams crazy. “Get in here” doesn’t mean go on the air and air our private business.

And here’s Pacey, talking about the Caribbean while canoodling with a blonde and they’re arguing over some private Polaroid. Again, the last breath of experiences that predate a world of digital cameras being everywhere and the internet at our fingertips.

The Polaroid girl.

The Polaroid girl.

Her name is Melanie and she’s rich. She leaves without the picture. Smart move, lady. When the internet explodes, you might regret leaving it with that careless guy. Ah, hindsight.

Doug then shows up and wants to know what his loser brother is planning to do with his life, other than sleep with rich woman who buy him expensive shirts, and be a deckhand for yachting millionaires. He gives him a card and wants to talk to this restaurant guy about a job.

Joey’s walking around on campus and comes upon this line-up that’s longer than American Idol competitions, winding around, going up flights of stairs. It’s the line to drop classes. Womp womp.

Audrey’s not giving much of a tour, and instead is prying into Dawson’s personal business. She has the most nasal voice. It’s like three keys down from Fran Drescher. She says she’s from LA and she’s just obnoxious enough for that to seem believable. Dawson says his old friends are so great and everyone new he meets sucks. Which is interesting because his friends cause more drama than joy in his life from what I’ve witnessed.

At the restaurant, Pacey meets with the cook, Danny, who tries to push a dishwashing job on him and Pacey’s like nope.

In Charlie’s room, she’s going through his books and CDs. CDs! Seriously, this episode is such a snapshot of an incredibly brief sliver of time. There is a cell phone, but it’s a flip phone with no camera. People are using paper maps. Polaroids. CDs. I’m dying.

Anyway, Jen is continuing to bust this guy’s balls about him taking a feminist lit class, and his music collection. But he’s talking about how life-changing (No exaggeration, he’s really hyping it) Dolly Parton’s I Will Always Love You is compared to Whitney Houston, so maybe he is full of shit. After a little more verbal boxing they start making out.

Joey’s actually waiting in that line and calls Dawson to tell him how long it is. And she’s got a cell too. Those clunky things used to be pretty expensive in 2001. How poor Joey is really does fluctuate.

The line is so long and my phone is so big!

The line is so long and my phone is so big!

Audrey and Dawson find Joey in line and Audrey takes her place while Joey takes him aside for a private convo. Audrey gives a random guy a smile and he looks away and she sneers at him.

Joey then throws some serious shade at Audrey: she’s flirting with you, she flirts with everyone, why don’t you go find Jen and Jack? Shit. If you were so concerned, why’d you leave him in her company while she was in the towel? Dawson thinks Audrey is fun. Which compared to Joey, she sort of is, even while being an obnoxious ditz.

Joey is all over the place, she’s irritated he’s spending time with Audrey, wanting to act like this forever goodbye suggestion was no big deal, saying it’s normal to want to move on, then not agreeing to do it when Dawson wants a decision.

Joey actually makes her way through the epic line and turns out her Professor, Wilder, signed Oscar Wilde on the slip. HA! The line must’ve taken hours to wait through and he didn’t even really sign it.

Pacey’s out to dinner with Melanie and slagging on the restaurant they’re at. Turns out she’s a law student. She goes to pay the bill, being a realist, since Pacey doesn’t have a job and she has an allowance and a trust fund. This offends his sense of masculinity, but then she says “slacker boyfriend”. Ooooh.

Jen wakes up in bed with Charlie. It’s 5:00. Must’ve been pretty vigorous sex for both of them to doze off in the afternoon. Jen starts freaking out and in an effort to get out of there she forcibly borrows Charlie’s shoes. Good move. Slick.

Charlie stops her, tells her everything she wants to hear and Jen stops trying to run away with his shoes. Then they go back to do it some more.

Joey finds Wilder to give him a piece of her mind and he claims her rare knowledge of it’s versus its is too good to give up. To me that sounds like the most condescending sarcasm ever. But she calls it a compliment, “That’s no excuse for what you did to me!” So, what? We’re basing ivy league writing class readiness on basic grammar know-how?

Wilder tells Joey she’s the type of person who only likes to do things she can do well. Joey then unleashes all her private business on him about how she’s not dropping the class very well or handling her relationship well. Wilder tells her she’s talking nonsense and to write it down and see if can’t start making sense. I’d just let her drop the class and lose myself the headache.

Joey walks away and sulks over some paper with a pen while Wilder looks pleased with himself.

Muahahaha.

Muahahaha.

Audrey takes Dawson to a place where people go to commit suicide or make out, depending on their day. She offers to make out with Dawson, who’s like yeah! Then Audrey says, n’ah, Joey’s my friend sort of. Dawson reveals he got fired from his job and he obviously wants to move to Boston.

Without a word, Audrey sort of walks away and leaves Dawson staring out onto campus alone on the suicide spot. What a rude and weird thing to do.

Back with Wilder, he tells Joey her failing is she overthinks things. She tries to explain herself while giving him major doe eyes. He leaves her with the story she wrote down with an A- on it. Tempting her with fake grades that don’t count for anything. And boy, has he got her number. Overachievers can’t resist that shit. She throws away the paper he signed for her to drop the class.

Pacey comes back to the restaurant and gives the cook shit for charging $25 a head. $25 for a delicious entre in a nice place? According to my inflation calculator, that’s $33. Not super affordable, but also not insanely priced either for a major city. Maybe don’t eat there if you have no job?

Pacey shoots the shit with this guy while he’s working, and insults him several times to his delight, which doesn’t strike me as a thing. Chefs are kinda too busy for that crap. this guy’s just moseying around, taking his time. Pacey offers to work in the kitchen chopping things instead of washing dishes. Danny tells him if he works hard he can have any job. Pardon me while I snicker at the messages my generation were apparently being fed at impressionable ages even from this show about the world being our oyster.

Outside, Pacey starts flirting with the waitress while she smokes and gives the lowdown on the work environment. Pacey gives her flack for smoking twice. Great way to begin a new working relationship.

Joey runs into Audrey who tells her Dawson went home ’cause he was tired of Joey yanking his chain. She tells her he’s at the airport and Joey makes a run for it while Audrey makes a stupid face.

She makes it on time to see him at the airport and he says it must be nice to have Jen and Jack around. Completely missing the cues that he’s lonely and envious of her closeness to their friends she rubs salt in the wound about how great and family-like it is and how good it feels. She is so self-absorbed.

It’s last call for Dawson’s flight and then they start actually talking-talking. Joey’s playing more of her mind games. She felt understood when he didn’t bring up the message. He’s feeling hurt that she left it and didn’t say anything about it. She then dishes out the usual “it’s confusing” shit she does whenever Dawson wants a straight answer about if she wants him or not.

The airport staff want to know if Dawson’s actually getting on the plane and rather than just getting on the plane, these two fools hold up the whole airport trying to make a decision about their stupid relationship that never goes anywhere.

And he stays. This woman is bound and determined to derail his life at her whim, and he’s gonna let her.

MVA: Dawson – “Joey, as long as you live, I will never understand you.” Not terribly articulate, but he speaks for us all.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 1 – The Bostonians

Joey and Dawson are sucking face… well, that’s unexpected. I guess a lot happens in one episode here in Capeside. Turns out this is Joey’s story being critiqued and what do you know, the girl is a celebrated writer too. Unless you count the dudes in the class who mostly hate her harlequin assignment… which, isn’t fiction but a play-by-play of what happened between her and Dawson.

Yay new opening visuals!

new intro!

new intro!

more new intro

more new intro

Joey is running all over Boston (so we know she is old now because like only 30-somethings run)

old people run

old people run

Dawson calls Joey on his CELLPHONE and his arm looks gigantic to me somehow. Actually, they all look a bit different. Tans?

Dawson, you been workin out?

Dawson, you been workin out?

Jack and Jen are loafing (in New York, presumably?).

Audrey, Joey’s roommate asks her to take off so she can get laid, and all I can notice is how much you can see her spine through a tank and everything.

get the woman a donut

get the woman a donut

Joey takes off to talk to her writing teacher, and apparently all the girls in college are in line to talk to the sexy prof who is legit jumping out the window to get away from them. He ends up walking around with bra-less Joey instead.

Dawson is on set talking to a Type A weirdo at his new internship who thinks he is someone important but then realizes he’s a nobody and is pissed.

Now Jen, Jack and Joey are all together. So, not NY? They are wondering where Pacey is.

Back in the dorm (nice windows), Joey’s roommate wants to talk about sex and Joey is like nope and alienates her pretty quick.

sweet dorm room

sweet dorm room

Turns out Jen knows where Pacey is, and they are having a slurpee together.

The gang goes to the frat party, which is complete with tiki torches and fireworks. Joey gets hit on hard by a classmate who is stalking her. Jack is also getting stalked by the frat, and some dude wants to bang Jen.

Dawson takes a spill and the director makes fun of him and then Dawson tears a strip off him and gets a round of applause before getting fired.

Joey sits on a wall and finally gives in and bonds with her roommate and then leaves Dawson a big long break-up message.

roomie bonding

roomie bonding

Some dude comes up to Jen and she bitches him out for hitting on her before he can even say a word.

Dawson bears his soul to the guy at the gate.

The gang, who I now know is in Boston, talks about how Jen is now in love with Jen and they wake Grams unapologetically.

Back at Joey’s room, a knock at the door. Did Dawson not get her message? The hug for a long time. The end.