Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 9 – “Four Scary Stories” Or, if you prefer, TREEHOUSE OF HORROR GOT NUTTIN ON ME

Full moon alert. Joey, Pacey, and Jack are returning from a scary movie, and ripping it to shreds. Pacey calls Joey a skittish kitten which is cute-ish. This has all the makings of a halloween special…except I looked it up and it originally aired in…December. Nonetheless, Joey goes for food, and follows noises and a basketball goes flying down the stairs and then she is locked out. Don’t fret. Just a prank.

Credits.

As the gang eats all of Grams’ food, Joey starts to tell them a scary story to prove she isn’t a fraidy cat:

Joey is explaining to roomie why she has to study on halloween (she can’t get her course reserve any. other. time.) Audrey is dressed as pre-pigs blood Carrie (Blood is like all red and sticky. Totally gross).

not so scary carrie

not so scary carrie

At the library Audrey decides to get creeped out by some guy eating peanuts at a desk. That’s how you know this show is 15 years old…we could consume nuts in public without fear of killing everyone. All the nerds at the library hate Audrey because she’s obviously got a social life. So she leaves. The hours go by until it is just Joey, peanut guy and a massive pile of shells (they were getting annoyed with Audrey for talking, and yet this guy is making a racket and a mess).

deez nuts

deez nuts

Peanut dude makes some comment about how Joey shouldn’t be out after dark alone. She goes to the stacks, where Peanut guy whispers to Joey to come there and she runs, which pretty much guarantees that he is looking out for her well-being. Naturally, the other book she needs is in “Special editions” in the basement (dun dun dun). Turns out library guy is the bad guy and peanut guy is a cop trying to protect her. She kicks the shit out of the bad guy…including throwing a card catalogue at him (Watching this show makes me feel 100 years old). Joey and Peanut cop gloat over how her kickboxing class paid off.

Jack says he has a better story and it is uncharacteristically about his fraternity. Jack and his bruhs (is that what they are called?) are hanging listening to the radio and drinking jack out of a flask. They are also looking at old stuff…Someone’s Dad’s old yearbook or something, and tell a story about a dude that killed everyone. Jack gets all fucked up because he mixed cold medicine with one drop of booze. The bathroom is gross as hell and to top it off some shadowy thing runs by (which makes me think of supernatural, which makes me think of Jensen Ackles, which makes me think of WHERE ARE YOU DEAN? I was promised you were on this show.)

Wait, what did I miss…Jack is on the stairs. Noises can be heard, but no one answers when he calls out “You there”. He approaches a door that is making rattling noises. One of his friends…(or some random?) is bound and gagged in the closet. Oh wait, this guy is a legacy…perhaps the offspring of that killer dead guy or something? Dude confesses he’s gay and they bond over liking the dick and stuff. Oh wait, it WAS the guy who killed everyone, Jack sees him on the pic, and poof he is gone.

wait i just pulled him out of the closet

wait i just pulled him out of the closet

Pacey is up next. They tease Pacey about URBAN LEGENDS and he says he has experienced them, and they talk about his double life. HOW META.

Pacey is driving that waitress home who is riding him for his boy-crush. Pacey flashes his lights and she spouts an urban legend that I swear they mentioned on the film. After nearly being run off the road they come into a diner and everyone is staring at them. Shit..maybe I watched this episode of Dawson’s thinking it was Urban legends because this is incredibly familiar. The car that tried to kill them is in the parking lot, and Pacey screams at everyone. Now the car is in front of them on the road. Car chase, then waitress gets a bat out of the trunk, and they approach the car. Pacey opens the door ANDDDD there’s no one there.

Back in Grams’ living room they have lit every candle Grams’ owns. What a foolish waste. She comes home and when she finds they are telling ghost stories she has one for them.

Grams tells Jen’s story—her first night at the radio station, alone in the booth. A branch is tapping on the window. Jen goes out to investigate and gets locked out, and she drops her id badge trying to use it to jimmy the lock. Something whispers “Jennifer” at her from the darkness. It falls down. It is just a mannequin. Suddenly she is able to open the door, and her id is on her desk, not where she dropped it earlier. Something/someone smashes through the glass. The end.

Everyone pisses their pants and Grams skips merrily away.

take that you little shits...and quit wasting my candles

take that you little shits…and quit wasting my candles

Advertisements

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 8 – Hotel New Hampshire

Opening scene, Dawson is talking about his floundering with Pacey on his boat. Pacey is talking about loving the kitchen at work and this coworker who isn’t into him. And looks like these two are buddies again now that Pacey’s not boning Joey, even though it’s been less than half a year and generally people hold grudges for shit like that a lot longer.

CREDITS

Jen and Joey are studying together. Joey used to hate Jen, but now that she’s surrounded by a college full of new people to hate, Jen’s her best pal, I guess. She asks how Dawson’s been, since she hasn’t seen him in awhile. Jen says he’s doing okay. Joey says she’s starting to feel not so bad about not being the one who’s there for him. Makes sense. She’s complete shit at being supportive.

It's true, I'm the worst.

It’s true, I’m the worst.

At the frat, they’re getting ready for the formal. The guy talking calls Jack a lady, and everyone including him laughs. Then he says everyone must have a date and get laid, and shows a list of potential dates. So far Jack is all, heh, list! The guys start talking hot chicks and Jack just drinks his drink and thinks about something other than vaginas. Then they call on him to get one of the guys a date with his attractive female friend. And as near as I can figure he just pimped Jen out to a random frat neanderthal.

Pacey shows up at his coworker’s house, the one who’s sleeping with the boss, and gives her an offer of a platonic night to give her a break from her shitty relationship. She hesitates and then takes him up on it.

In therapy, Dawson is lamenting his friends are treating him with kid gloves still, and his shrink tells him to go to the film festival that’s coming up and take one of his buddies.

At the radio station, Jen’s got a gig, I guess, mooning about breakups on the air. The other woman, Nora, who I thought was a plot device, shows up so I guess she’s now a regular guest.

Jen’s saying she’s done with Charlie, and the other chick is like, I wish I had that confidence. And she mentions his latest attempt at “wooing us back,” thing. The look on Jen’s face says he isn’t trying to win them back, just Nora.

Dafuq?

Dafuq?

Nora learns Jen hasn’t gotten any love letters and is all, oh… I’m sorry! But really, it’s likely she showed up to find out just that and will now go throw herself at Charlie, as it seems she was the real girlfriend and Jen was the side chick. Womp womp. Well, I guess now Jen’s self esteem will be shitty enough to go out with that frat pile from earlier. Jen tells Nora she doesn’t care.

But she’s crying to Dawson soon after saying that she does want corny love letters and that she does care very much.

Rats!

Y no LETTERS?

Jen calls herself a floozy, Dawson laughs and then kisses her forehead. Admittedly, floozy is a rather delightful word these days; so much more playful and gentle than slut. Let’s bring back floozy.

Jen’s misery and mortification is the perfect set-up for him to ask her to leave town to go to that film festival.

With Jen out of the picture, Jack invites Audrey instead, along with Joey, to double date with him and that frat guy named Eric at the formal. The door knocks at their dorm and Audrey wants to pose before Joey opens the door. Why she has to be such a dingbat, I’m not sure. Eric calls Audrey a stone cold fox.

At the film festival, the receptionist girl hits on Dawson in an uncomfortable way and rudely asks Jen if she’s his girlfriend. Jen then laughs like it’s a huge joke, which is also kinda weird. Some guy runs up and tells Dawson he’s big news and his screening sold out. Then he calls another director retarded. I’m not sure at what point that word stopped being used so casually, but I don’t think it would fly on TV anymore. Well, HBO, but you know.

Dawson and Jen open their hotel room door and inside is the cheesiest bed ever.

I expect some whoopee!

I expect some whoopee!

At the formal, guys approach Eric and Jack and say “score”, like appraising a woman you don’t know right in front of her isn’t remarkably gross. Joey says Jen should be there too to share in the pain and Jack tells her Jen’s having a weekend out of town with Dawson. Joey’s now got a case of the sads.

At Pacey’s non-date with his coworker Karen, he keeps things light until BAM he doesn’t and brings up that she’s a woman on the side and deserves better.

At the festival, a seemingly over-done film directed by the “retarded” local celebrity is showing. Smoke Crack & Worship Satan. Yeah.

Too much?

Too much?

But apparently it’s really good. I can only imagine what it’s about from the title.

Dawson pooh-poohs his movie and Jen gives him a pep talk. Then the director of the Satan movie pops out wearing a silly-looking hat and mentions he’s won the festival three times in a row and calls Dawson a “Hollywood slickster.” Then he calls Jen pretty, stares at her strangely and hoofs it out of there.

Pacey and his date do some banter that I don’t give a shit about. Then they have a goodnight kiss that immediately leads to making out, which immediately leads to them tearing into her home and getting undressed. Also she knocks over a lamp.

At the festival, Dawson’s movie is done screening and the head festival guy introduces Dawson, but first talks about how Mitch wrote a letter along with the video about his son’s talent. Dawson gives a small speech, dedicates the film to his father and gives a shoutout to his “girlfriend” Jen.

At the party, Audrey is bored stiff by her date. He gets up to go get a drink and complains to Jack that she doesn’t like him and maybe she’s a prude. Jack tells him not to worry and that Audrey’s easy. Joey overhears and looks incensed.

I kills you

I kills you

Then Jack sees Joey heard him and he looks like he ate a bag of whoops.

After they’re done fooling around (or sleeping together? Not sure) Karen is angry, so maybe the sex wasn’t very good. No afterglow here. She says Pacey’s not worth what she’s risking. He asks if she slept with him to get back at her boss/lover. Ah. There we are. And yes, it was revenge sex. Pacey leaves in a huff.

At the festival, sore loser Satan film Oliver tells Dawson he loved his film and he isn’t as much of a goon as he thought. He tells him about a media arts school in… Boston (Go figure!) full of nerds and freaks and stuff. So, obviously here’s the new plan. Not subtle.

Oliver points out, “there’s your girl” to Dawson when he sees Jen. Dawson’s about to correct him, that she’s not really his girlfriend, but stops. He’s got that look in his eye, so maybe after these many years he’s finally attracted to Jen again now that he’s sick of Joey ruining his life.

At the formal, Joey’s giving Jack the business over the shit he said about Audrey and he doesn’t seem to think it was a big deal. Then she calls him out on not spending time with them anymore and being a general asshole these days. He pretty much tells her to get off her high horse and no one’s forcing anyone to be there. So Joey marches right out.

Back in the cheesy hotel room, Dawson and Jen have a conversation that steers back to “so, why didn’t we work out?” I knew it. They rehash their breakup and Jen throwing herself at him and they laugh, and he says ultimately Jen just wasn’t attracted to him. And so Jen kisses him.

Ohohoho, and I think after Joey, Eve and Gretchen giving him the heave ho, he’s finally going to lose his virginity, and to Jen. And why not?

In the morning, Dawson wakes up a happy camper.

I did it!

I did it!

At the restaurant, Pacey goes in to quit and finds out that Karen already has. Boss man gives him the chance to rescind his resignation and expresses regret for putting him in the middle of it all. Pacey doesn’t say anything and leaves. Uh, so did he quit or not?

At the dorm room, Joey walks in on Jack apologizing to Audrey, who forgives him with gusto. Joey also talks to him, he’s sorry and then boom, everything’s fine again.

Pacey sees Karen outside the restaurant and they, I don’t know, debrief. She encourages him not to quit, and then they huge, she leaves and that’s that.

As they’re packing to leave the cheesy hotel, Jen talks to Dawson about how sex changes everything and she’s worried. He says it felt right and if things change, who says it’ll be bad, and so bring it on. Jen seems happy with that. And then they decide to stay (Another hour? Another night? Who knows.)

Well, good for him. I was rooting for that guy’s boner for some time.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 7 – “Text, Lies and Videotape”

Therapy pro, Jen, schools Dawson on how it is. She brings up Freud and makes the obligatory reference to penis envy (I think the oedipal complex would have been infinitely more timely, but hey, what do I know?).

HEY AUDREY JUST ASKED JOEY HOW COME HER GUY LOOKS LIKE TOM CRUISE! #irony

Audrey is auditioning for THE REAL WORLD (fun fact: it is still going, and on its 31st season–who knew?), and asks the question “Do I go for vamp, vixen or all out slut?”. Sigh.

Joey makes ridiculous faces that I believe are meant to represent “thought”, and then she calls herself an idiot and Audrey doesn’t argue, says she got picked because she’s hot. This is clearly a feminist episode.

BRAINING

BRAINING

Danny (From henceforth, the poor man’s Paul Rudd) banters with Pacey and the waitress he is sleeping with.

Dawson’s therapist has some super funky hair. She makes a bad Good Will hunting reference. Dawson tells the therapist he’s having panic attacks because his father died, and the therapist immediately leads him to understand it is because he dropped out. Or something. She’s smug has that sexy throaty voice, and is generally extremely irritating.

so hip so insightful

so hip so insightful

Joey is at study group and everyone is being smart except Joey. They are assigned homework to figure out who the slutty letters are written to, and I have a feeling Joey will be the one to get this sorted.

At the restaurant the waitress is suddenly being nice to Pacey, and he is being grumpy. He tells her that he knows that she is the other woman.

Mama Dawson and son meet with the lawyer and find out that the baby isn’t in the will, so they are advised to go through his stuff to look for it.

Joey is talking to teach and wonders if Rose letters were to a friend because they are too honest to be to a lover. Teach helps Joey reason through this whole thing.

Turns out Dada Dawson never signed the will thingie (Mama found the unsigned document). Dawson looks positively mental.

bad dada

bad dada

Waitress apologizes to Pacey at his boat. It becomes clear that they will eventually hook up.

Audrey shows Joey her audition tape and you can see Joey’s aha moment. In an uncharacteristic move, Joey makes it all about her and runs out, giving Audrey hasty praise.

Danny’s wife shows up while he is dancing with mistress waitress.

Back in therapy Dawson keeps talking about the damn will. Holy shit that therapist is Pauley Perrette from NCIS. Didn’t recognize her as a blonde.

In the student group Joey drops the bomb that the letters are actually that chick’s diary. Everyone is super impressed. Then teacher gives her a lecture on how to be comfortable with uncertainty. While she is all alone with him. In his house. All is kosher here.

Jen gives a shout-out to Dawson on the radio as they both remember some steamy skinny dipping thing that I must have missed.

U been watching wild things?

U been watching wild things?

Pacey shows up at waitress’ house with food and puppy dog eyes. She gets a message from the married dude while Pacey exits stage left she picks up the phone.

Dawson gets a letter that he won a film festival his father entered him in. Mother and son bond over missing Dad.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 6 – High Anxiety

Opening scene, Dawson’s getting checked out by a doctor. Nothing wrong physically, but he’s having anxiety attacks, and has been since his dad died. He doesn’t think it’s grief stress though. Doc thinks otherwise and hooks him up with a therapist in Boston, who is the best. Dawson sensibly asks if there’s not someone closer, but apparently not.

WTF? They have a TV station, but no shrinks? Capeside never makes any effing sense.

The receptionist walks in with an appointment for 5:00 the next day. How good can this guy be to be available that short notice? Hope you didn’t have anything important planned tomorrow, you’re going on a last-minute train ride and an overnight trip. (Hopefully you work through your grief fast or you’ll be making a lot of big trips to Boston. Seriously, what doctor would make treatment this unnecessarily cumbersome?)

CREDITS

Joey walks in and Audrey’s messily tidying her trashy belongings. Her pillow is hot pink and furry and there’s leopard print everywhere. Her mom is coming for a visit, and this is someone who used to hit on her boyfriends, so Audrey’s not keen. Joey’s skeptical that she’s all that bad, and changes the subject to Dawson, who hasn’t called.

Jen’s hanging out with Pacey in a fancy boat (that can’t be his boat, right? How did he get his hands on another, much nicer boat?) and bemoaning her cheating sort of boyfriend. Pacey finds a stray necklace, then tells Jen to get even.

Dawson is walking around his house looking sad and a little anxious.

At the restaurant, Pacey’s eating for free on his day off and hands the stray necklace back to his boss, who wants to commit adultery on his boat again this evening. Bold request to effectively ask to screw in someone else’s home while they find something else to do. Pacey’s like, oh, I can’t ’cause I’m throwing a party tonight. Then a waitress announces, hey, Pacey’s throwing a party! The restaurant cheers and now Pacey’s stuck.

Dawson calls Joey and they have a stilted conversation about how he’ll be in town, but will just stay with Jack and Jen. And of course Joey pretends like it’s fine and she really isn’t okay with it at all.

Y U no Want me?!

Y U no Want me?!

Dawson arrives at the therapist’s, and it’s an empty, dark waiting room without another human being in. That’s not a good sign for a mental health professional. There’s a mysterious white box with a button on the table that looks like an answering machine. Dawson pushes the button twice, which is twice as bold as I would be.

He gets antsy after waiting about 30 seconds and gets up and leaves.

Audrey’s mom is in the dorm now, and Audrey is on a scale. Mom sees Joey, compliments her skinny figure and Audrey reveals Mom thinks her daughter has gained weight. Then Mom asks Joey how old she thinks she is. This woman is already a pain in the ass.

Cliche shitty mother

Cliche shitty mother

Then she re-phrases and asks if she looks more like Audrey’s sister or mother. Joey unloyally picks sister, which is the coward’s way out. Mother all the way, just for the look on her face after the reality check. Mom is flattered and now wants Joey to come out for dinner.

Audrey pulls Joey in the bathroom and insists she come to dinner, especially after saying Mom looks like her sister.

Dawson shows up at Jen’s place. Grams certainly managed to buy a lot of Boston house. Dawson asks if he can spend the night. Maybe call ahead…? Jen has to run out, presumably for that revenge. Jack is on the way to the frat (Oh good, he cut those stupid hair wings off) and invites Dawson along, who is happy to come.

Jen marches up to her paramour’s door and he’s not happy to see her, reminding her they had plans tomorrow instead. She bursts in, he takes a nervous look at the closet and she says she might need a Palm Pilot to keep track of her liaisons. Heh. Palm Pilot. She then says let’s get naked. Charlie’s like no.

She feigns hurt like she’s in a second rate film noir and says she’ll get her sweater and be on her way. Charlie speeds ahead of her and prevents her from opening the closet. He says he is having the sweater dry cleaned.

Then a young woman walks out of the closet claiming to be Charlie’s girlfriend (Because girlfriends generally hide in closets when other girls come over unannounced). Then Jen says she’s his girlfriend and then Charlie stares back at them trying to look cute and worried.

Womp...

Womp…

Womp...

…womp.

At the frat party, Dawson helps his team win a drinking game and looks jazzed to be there.

At dinner, mom wastes no time grilling Audrey about the sauce on her dinner plate, her exercise regime and the way she speaks. Joey leaves the table to make a call on her cell, which is a level of etiquette not seen in… ever? Dawson screens the call and gets back to drinking. Joey’s stuck at that dinner.

In Charlie’s room, he’s apologizing without really apologizing, “we never had that talk”, “it’s college”, and so forth. And then he takes the conversation in a direction where I think he’s going to suggest a threesome. Oh and he does.

Back at dinner, things are tense with hearing about how mom was an model and wanted to be an actress but got pregnant. Then Mom talks about how many private schools Audrey went through, and how she lacks focus.

Then she gets even more awful and tells Joey she basically paid the school to take her because her grades were shit.

Joey then calmly tells off Audrey’s mom, scoring one round of “maybe you’re mad because she’s 18 and you’re not,” and then they leave to go to a party, and Mom is left at the table.

Jen and the other woman, Nora, supposedly agree to this threesome. Having a rich history of television watching behind me, I surmise that they met beforehand, somehow knew he’d bring this idea up somehow (?) and are planning to humiliate him in some way.

Jen tells him to stand over by the closet and strip. But from the looks of Nora, is she even in on this? Now I’m not sure.

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

Charlie says no, you first. The ladies, who are now holding all the cards are like, n’ah, let’s go. Charlie, not wanting to lose his big chance, goes ahead and starts undressing while the girls egg him on. He gets down to his skivvies and then says your turn. Jen tells him they’re the ones holding the cards– hey!– and tell him to get naked.

Any asshole should be able to see through this obvious set-up, but maybe I’m overestimating the optimism of horny 18-year-old boys who’ve watched too many of the porns.

Charlie tosses his boxers into his iguana’s aquarium. My, this dorm has relaxed rules. Does he have a hot plate as well?

They get him to close his eyes and start moving him around, which doesn’t alarm him at all, and then shut him out of his bedroom, and walk off with everyone gawking at Charlie’s nudity. How’d they lock his door from the outside with no keys?

The two girls mosey off and throw away things that they stole from him, an autographed CD and his notes from a class he’s got a midterm in tomorrow. Jen holds up his favourite shirt which she says she’ll use to clean her toilet.

Okay, really? This is just overkill.

Jen invites her to a party, but she declines in favour of going back to her dorm and brooding. They say they’ll hang out but we’ll probably never see her again. So long, plot device!

At Pacey’s party, Audrey is flirting with him like a giant airhead, like he isn’t Joey most recent ex-boyfriend. Some friend.

A drunk Dawson shows up with the frat. Pacey’s upset with Jack for getting him hammered, and Jack’s like, meh, so long as he’s happier!

Dawson sees Joey, and is all HEY! I didn’t call you! Let me call you now! So he gets out his cell and leaves a message that ends with, it’s okay to leave you this kind of drunk message because you left me one once and if you hadn’t I would have gone back to LA and my dad would still be alive.

Whoa.

What the fuck was that?

What the fuck was that?

Dawson wakes up on Pacey’s boat to a disgusting hangover remedy. He feels like shit for blaming Joey for his dad dying.

Audrey says bye to her mom and they have a heart-to-heart that’ll probably improve nothing over time.

Audrey then thanks Joey for the self-esteem boost utilizing some mad vocal fry before it was cool.

Dawson makes it to Jen’s and doesn’t want a greasy breakfast, which is like no hangover I’ve ever had. They talk about how everyone’s handing his grief.

At the restaurant, Pacey talks to the waitress he always flirts with and sees the necklace he found around her neck. Ooh. The boss man’s sleeping with her.

As Joey’s walking him home to the train station, he says sorry and she forgives him. He tells her about the shrink appointment he never went to. Then he tells her how he was dreaming of them being together again and kissing her, and then his dad died and now he can’t imagine them together now.

So Joey kisses him and he looks sadder than ever. And Joey says now she’ll wait for him to be ready. So now that he’s emotionally unavailable she wants him again? Of course she does.

They stare at each other awhile and Dawson goes home.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 5 – “Use Your Disillusion”

Sorry folks. I’m a day late and a dollar short on this one. I got so distracted reading this yesterday that I forgot to watch Dawson’s.

Dawson is continuing to be more adult than the adults, helping his mom cope with the loss of Dada Dawson (I must say, I totally forgot this plot point. My memory of this show is all getting locked in Walmarts and everyone sleeping together and jumping into glimmering bodies of water).

Back at college Joey is making her roommate jog, and then they stop so she can go on a speech about how she needs to make everything perfect for Dawson since he is coming over while grieving.

you still talking?

you still talking?

Some dude shows up on a bike, and I think it is her prof? He wants to tell Joey all about some dead writer and how he gets to go through her papers to see if there is anything amazing that should be published. But surprise the kick off party is during Dawson’s visit and she declines so Dawson won’t get stressed out by being around other humans.

Jen and the tumbleweed are playing guitar and rubbing each other’s shoulders. She invites him to a play and he says no, he has to work. Jen, didn’t you watch the show a few weeks ago? You are just a lay. Then they start making out.

Pacey is in the kitchen, sucking at life as always. The sassy waitress comes in to let them know that she is still pissed she was passed over for chef for having a vagina. Pacey’s boss gives him the night off in exchange for Pacey letting him and the wife go bang on the boat he lives in.

Toby shows up whilst Jack is in the middle of pledge week. Ohh the conflict. On cue a cell phone rings because the frat guys are calling them for some good ole fashioned hazing. They casually name drop HBO like a message in a bottle or suicide note from the show’s writers who clearly know there is a better life out there for them.

Dawson shows up and roommate bolts out of the room with wet toe nails. Joey greets Dawson with a book called “How to deal with your parent’s death”. Subtle.

Jen is a bitch about Jack turning into a pod person and Toby defends him.

Joey smothers Dawson some more and he throws her some side-eye. Then a car flips in the movie and Joey hits the ceiling with horror and guilt. Dawson reassures her and they go to the party.

definitely should not have rented crash

definitely should not have rented crash

Jen and Pacey walk by her sex buddy on what appears to be a date. She wants to go in to murder him and Pacey talks her into going to the play instead. When that doesn’t work he throws her over his shoulder and drags her away.

not work

not work

Jack tells Toby it’s his fault that he got stood up because he doesn’t have a cellphone (He’s afraid of brain tumors…that lad is ahead of his time). Then Jack won’t tell him why he is late out of respect to his fraternity. Then the cell goes off and he’s gotta blow off their date again. Toby says its all good, and goes in for a kiss that doesn’t happen.

Jen is trying to watch Shakespeare after seeing her bf cheat on her. Ha, they are seeing Othello! Of course they are. Jen takes off.

Dawson freaks out in the bathroom at the party.

Jen will NOT wait to be seated.

Jen will NOT wait to be seated.

Jen shows back up to the restaurant and the girl is feeding him whip cream from a spoon. Jen dumps a coffee in his lap, and it turns out that it is his sister (who saw that coming? Everyone.)

Jack’s “brothers” are dissing Toby for coming to visit (“he’s checking up on you, bro!” “Dump the chump.”)

Dawson is freaking out in the kitchen now, and a girl is trying to help him while babbling about her addiction to listerine. Dawson freaks and tells Joey they have to go and runs out breathing heavy. Methinks his avoidant coping strategy is failing him. They make excuses for him and go back to the dorm.

Jen apologizes and wins her man back by offering to do his laundry. (I thought she was the sassy feminist around here?)

Jack explains to Toby why the frat is so important to him (because they want him for him…did he miss the part where they told him they needed a gay guy?)

Pacey meets his boss’ new wife and realizes his idol is a cheater.

Dawson leaves without his book and Jen waits with Toby at the bus station. Jen lectures Jack when he comes home and he tells her that the Dawson’s creek gang is so last season.

Jen takes an I’m sorry basket to Chucky and catches him smooching another lady. (Who saw that coming? Everyone.)

definitely not  his sis

definitely not his sis

Joey talks to roommate girl about Dawson and she wrote a really lovey inscription in the book he pointedly left on her bed.

Dawson drives around looking pensive.

The end.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 4 – The Long Goodbye

Opening scene, Mitch totally did not survive that car crash. The restaurant has a closed sign saying “Death in the family” and there’s flashes of the Leery house with Dawson doing dishes and the baby crying. And looks like he’s the one who’s taking care of Lily.

CREDITS

Dawson’s talking to a funeral director, making arrangements for his dad’s funeral, specifically picking out a casket. I won’t lie, this is a weird scene for me. I did that very thing a little younger than his age, though I wasn’t alone like he is, which is uncomfortable.

Joey meets Pacey at his boat to deliver the news, which by now is a couple days old. Pacey’s been ignoring his brother’s calls. He is obviously upset by the news and wants to know how Dawson’s doing. Joey snidely responds, “Not good, his dad’s dead.” He hesitates about whether Dawson would want to see him now and Joey quickly talks him into making a visit.

At the Potter B&B, Grams and Bess are getting food ready for the funeral reception and Jen is talking to Jack about not knowing what to say.

At the Leery house, Dawson puts his wide awake sister into the crib for a nap, and gazes at her. We see she has instantly fallen asleep, which no baby has ever done.

What a considerate baby.

What a considerate baby.

Gail is similarly passed out in her bedroom. Dawson lies down on his bed and relives a memory from his 12th birthday when his dad gave him his first video camera. I rather like how they did this scene, not getting a kid to play young Dawson, and just having James VDB do it himself. Less cheesy, somehow.

His happy memory ends and Joey comes in and sees him smiling. She wants to know if there’s anything she can do, and he says he has to get to the funeral home and his mom’s sleeping, so can she watch Lily? She says yes and compliments the suit Dawson picks up, which is for his dad to be buried in. She then makes a big deal over her gaff, making Dawson then have to reassure her. Shit, she’s awkward at this. When he leaves she has this super intense face.

At the funeral, it’s a music montage. Grams is holding the crying baby, Joey holds Dawson’s hand briefly until he unholds it to give his mom another tissue.

At the funeral reception, Grams offers to hold Lily for Dawson, but he declines, saying that she’s his buffer, and when he holds her people avoid talking to him and offering platitudes. Grams, who mercifully seems to be capable to approaching grief with some grace, inquires about Gail, who’s upstairs and won’t come down. Dawson asks her what her platitude is and guesses “The Lord works in mysterious ways.” Grams says she and the Lord aren’t on speaking terms this week. Grams is awesome.

Joey arrives at the Leery house and has a memory of Mitch putting the ladder up to Dawson’s room because he doesn’t want her climbing the trellis anymore. He then says Dawson will like her one day. So, Mitch was trying to help his son get some action with the neighbour girl? What a weird memory.

Jen finds Dawson inside and they have some comfortable/uncomfortable joking around about the need for alcohol or narcotics. Jen then offers him a hug and says she loves him, and that she otherwise doesn’t know what to do. He seems to enjoy the sincerity and takes the hug.

Joey finds Gail upstairs and manages to say all the right things to her. It’s all very odd. With her best friend/boyfriend who experienced something she’s familiar with, she’s awkward. With his mom, who she was harsh with during her affair with Bob the weatherman, she’s sage and kind.

Pacey shows up and Dawson says hi to him on the porch. They exchange some subdued pleasantries and Dawson reminds Pacey of the time Mitch caught them smoking in that very spot. Dawson has a laugh, but then says he has to go inside and be useful. He offers a handshake, but Pacey dives into a hug, which Dawson accepts.

Inside the house, Dawson is ambushed by the worst lady ever. She introduces herself as a friend of Gail’s from college. She wants to know how Dawson is channelling his grief, and he tries to escape the conversation but she won’t stop being inappropriate. Then the phone rings and the answering machine picks up and it’s Mitch on the recording. Dawson frantically tries to turn it off, but eventually pulls it out of the wall.

On the dock, Joey goes to talk to him, offers some stories about grief from her past, tells him it’ll get better. He says he had no idea when he mom died that it could feel like this, like being transported away and walking around in another reality. Which is actually pretty accurate. He then says Mitch’s death was his fault. He gives a detailed list outlining the series of small events leading to his dad driving that evening. Which is obviously nuts, but that’s grief for you.

Mitch had said he was disappointed in Dawson and he’s now living with the feeling his dad died being disappointed in him, en route to go shopping rather than driving him back to the airport. Though, if we’re going to go that route, let’s blame Joey too for jerking Dawson around to the point he wanted to quit film school in LA.

Grams is viewing her old house next door and sees Gail and bonds with her over being a widow. Grams is on fire at this funeral. She offers to stay for a bit and help with Lily, but Gail says she and Dawson have to tackle it themselves. I guess Gail wasn’t too concerned about Dawson dropping out of school if she’s thinking him sticking around is a great idea. I’d be taking Grams up on that offer.

Joey finds Dawson in his room after the reception and offers to stay, but Dawson has no interest and just wants to be alone. Possibly after all the chain-yanking and lack of support in other crisis, he’s just done with Joey’s brand of condolences.

Dude, get out.

Dude, get out.

Outside the B&B, Pacey tells Joey when he dies, he wants it to be funny, like getting hit by a clown car. Joey relays Dawson’s feelings about Mitch’s death being his fault, about him wanting to drop out of film school basically over her. And Pacey’s all, hey, you two never got your shot, maybe now it’s time. So… their being lovers and all serious only months ago means nothing? All water under the bridge? This is like their second meeting since their relationship exploded and everything’s hunky dorey?

Gail has a memory in the house of Mitch putting together Dawson’s crib. He says he is hoping for a freak kid who doesn’t play team sports and doesn’t peak in high school. Well, he got the son he wanted, so that’s nice.

Gail and Dawson talk about how Lily won’t know her dad, and Dawson says he’s not going anywhere any time soon. He also says he’s numb.

Pacey pulls into the Leery property and has a memory of Mitch teaching him to drive, which is nice. But then he turns back and when Mitch isn’t there, there’s a brief moment where he actually seems surprised. Weirdo acting choice. He wasn’t actually seen as being there, right? Just a recall of an earlier time? Or are you Andie now and seeing dead people?

Pacey rings the doorbell and wakes Dawson up. When asked how he’s doing, he replies, “He’s still dead, it still sucks.” Pacey asks him to go for a ride.

Pacey takes him to the crash site and relays the events of the accident, that some guy named Gary Peters worked a double shift and was asleep at the wheel, and that’s who killed Mitch, not Dawson. He gives him a very passionate and loving speech about his dad, but probably taking him to this location unprepared was not destined to be taken well. Dawson wants to go.

Back at her dorm, Joey tell Audrey about how Dawson wanted nothing from her at the funeral. She’s broken up about it, but doesn’t seem to see how past actions of breaking his heart in new and creative ways perhaps made him not want her company while he was in pain.

At the Leery’s, Gail and Dawson are having a gloomy silent dinner and Gail begins asking Dawson to go pick up some milk, but stops because the last time she asked that question, her husband died. Dawson goes to his mother, but then wordlessly leaves her to sob over the sink.

Eventually someone's going to have to go buy that milk.

Eventually someone’s going to have to go buy that milk.

Dawson goes to get the milk, and the cashier tells him he’s sorry for his loss, and that he spoke to Mitch that night, and that Mitch said good things about him, how he had a romantic streak and was proud to know him.

And when he gets in the car, he stops feeling numb and has a good cry.

Screen Shot 2015-09-08 at 3.36.44 PM

Then there is a music montage of the friends going out, Grams looking through an album, Gail bottle feeding her infant some juice (If this aired on TV today, the internet would explode with irate mothers citing the WHO and AAP).

No breast milk or formula for you!

No breast milk or formula for you!

The montage cuts to the friends going to Pacey’s restaurant, where at dinner hour he’s allowed to stop working and sit at the table and toast glasses with his pals. The writers of this show are constantly showing people in food service industries taking breaks and lollygagging. Have they ever worked one of those jobs? Or talked to someone who did?

The montage cuts to one of Mitch’s memories, of their final family photo and Dawson running off to the movies, and Gail going inside to feed Lily more juice probably, telling her husband to stay outside and play with his new fancy camera. Mitch looks around the yard and smiles at nothing in particular and then leaves his camera sitting outside on the tripod and goes in the house instead.

But don’t worry, everyone, he’s still out there today being a TV dad.

I'm Barry Allen's dad now.

I’m Barry Allen’s father now. Way more lucrative.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 3 – Capeside Revisited

Jen and Joey and gregarious roommate Audrey are hanging in some restaurant. Jen gets a call from Charlie, the new man. She says she answered the booty call because she could use the “snuggle”. Sounds legit. They talk about how Sex and the City they all are (Joey’s a Charlotte—tee hee!).

desperate pop culture reference

desperate pop culture reference

Then Joey goes to the can and sees Pacey working in the kitchen.

As I watch the intro I wonder if the actors were as over this show as the rest of the world was. Like Joey is jogging… you know who jogs? Grown-ups.

Outside the restaurant Jen admits to Joey that she knew Pacey was in town. Guess roommate is still inside dealing with the CHEQUE.

Dawson is sleeping over at Grams’. He’s belly-aching over giving his parents some news about what he is doing with his life.

Jack is playing videogames at some party. There are greek letters on the cup, so I can only guess it’s a frat party. They think he is bidding and from the look on his face it would seem that he had not been planning as much.

Now Pacey is bitching about not being head chef at his brand new restaurant job.

Jen is at the human teddy bear’s house and he wants to suck her face and she wants to bond and hear all about his childhood and stuff. She makes him tell her where he went to high school before she will drop her panties.

Dawson is frolicking in nature looking pensive. Oh wait, it’s his parents’ lawn actually.

Dawson confesses the big secret: he’s dropping out of film school because LA is shit and his friends all went to Boston. Papa Dawson flips and tells Dawson that he is mistaken, he will not be dropping out. Dawson looks stressed and mutters “welcome home” to an empty room.

Audrey tries to communicate with Joey, and Joey just insults her about being a slut. Audrey takes it and heaps on the compliments for some strange reason. I would knock that bitch out, personally.

Jack is opening his fraternity letter thingie, and by the face he makes when the guy says “Am I in or am I out?” you just know he is going to come out to these guys. He confesses, but they are all like d’uh, you are here because we need a token gay.

Jen and fluffy hair discuss how long they could go without banging each other and the stupidest bet on the planet begins.

Leerys yammer on about Dawson’s choice. Dawson says he hopes he never gets too busy living his life to sit around thinking about it… odd that. His dad booked him a ticket back to film school, and is all carpe diem or some shit.

Mama Dawson confesses she wants to have him close again and there is a really schmaltzy scene about how much the family loves each other. I guess they didn’t catch season 1 when mom was doing the weather guy.

happy happy happy

happy happy happy

And I’m getting distracted by how white this guy’s teeth are, and how this is just the perfect snapshot of white privilege.

our son is not awkward at all

our son is not awkward at all

Jen and the dandelion are annoying as fuck still. They get in a fight over subtitles.

Jack says Toby called him “Gay uncle Tom” at the frat and that’s entertaining as he relays all this to good ole Grams.

Jen has her shoes on this guy’s bed as they are unable to find a single common interest aside from getting it on. Since Jen is such a brainy feminist type, this must all be very hard on her.

Joey’s purposeful stride down the dock tells me she knows where to find Pacey. Oh there he is! She wanders up and starts yammering on about the stars. Then Joey interprets a scientific study she has read in a way that clearly indicates that she has less grasp of science than she does of writing.

Dawson is packing a bag, he says goodbye to momma and baby sis, and he hands his dad back the ticket. Dad makes sure Dawson knows he is disappointed in him, and that he loves him and he will always be there for him (my spidey sense are tingling here…something is not right). Too much soft music and Dad standing in the middle of the yard.

Jen and lips-on-legs break into the health centre to steal condoms and Jen realizes he CAN’T READ. Well, I didn’t see that coming. Oh, wait no, never mind he’s just NEARSIGHTED, my bad. I thought he was illiterate, but actually he just wears glasses.

Then they bang on the floor of the health centre.

Jack is talking to frat guys about being gay still.

Pacey is getting schooled on truffles at the restaurant.

Dawson and Joey talk about his big decision to drop out.

Meanwhile Daddy Dawson is driving home singing to the radio and dropping an ice cream cone in his lap

watch the road not your lap

watch the road not your lap

SHIT WATCH OUT THEY GONNA CROAK YOU–

well fuck

well fuck