Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 12 – Sleeping Arrangements

It’s Jenn. I’ve got a tenuous grip on some episodes. We’ll see how this goes.

Pacey’s on his boat and some blonde I can’t remember approaches him. Thankfully, Pacey says her full name so the audience doesn’t have to think too hard. This is Melanie. She’s all impressed he’s got a job. She says it shatters her understanding of the natural order of the universe. He must find her super hot, ’cause that’s a mad burn and he’s still smiling.

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You may know me from such TV shows as How I Met Your Mother, Once Upon a Time or my episode of Touched By an Angel.

So Melanie has come to tell him that boat he’s living on got sold, and dude who owned it has bought a bigger boat and wants Pacey to sail around the Greek islands with him. Which is much more specific than “Paradise” which is where they went last time. Also it seems this business arrangement might be better organized through a direct phone call, but what do I know about the doings of eccentric millionaires?

Pacey doesn’t seem mega jazzed about this offer and Melanie heads out.

And just so you know, this episode is playing with the Jann Arden theme. I’m pretty disappointed.

At Grams’ house, Jen is getting ready and Dawson is trying to make plans with her, unsuccessfully, while learning that Jen actually wears a lot of makeup, which he never noticed before. Also, he learns that Jen thought his toothbrush was “old” and used it to separate her eyelashes. Yes. She thought the toothbrush that belongs to her boyfriend who recently moved in was “old” and used this “old” and therefore germy-ass brush on her eyes. That’s gross, and a stye waiting to happen.

He then wants to use hers and she’s like, ew, no, that’s my toothbrush. Dawson points out they’ve been sleeping together for three weeks, but no dice, even if she did just ruin his toothbrush. He then pokes through a drawer looking for dental supplies and Jen wigs out, all no, that’s my drawer. I have a child who’s turning 3 tomorrow and I don’t mind saying I’m drawing some behavioural parallels here. Dawson leaves the bathroom looking way less annoyed than I’d be.

Joey’s in a class and the prof wants to talk to her. Some moody-looking blonde guy seems a little fixated. And turns out prof wants to introduce blondie, Elliott, to Joey. Why? No reason. Just to point out that Elliott was checking her out. Inappropriate, much? Boundaries, buddy.

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I need an adult.

Elliott tries to make chit chat and points out they’ve met, and joey gives her classic brush off and leaves. Dude, figuring he’s got nothing to lose at this point, chases after her and offers to walk and get coffee, but no dice. Joey’s Joey and there’s no point.

At the radio station, Jen’s attempting to sound cool on the air and blows it. So she takes a request which winds up being some chick who doesn’t understand how music radio shows work and wants Jen’s advice on her love life for some reason. Who is screening these calls?

The caller says he boyfriend ejaculates too early. Seriously, someone called into a rock radio station and asked this on the air. Who wrote this shit? Jen decides to offer her expertise, though we don’t get to hear what her answer is.

Now Dawson is helping Jack move into the frat house. The room he’s getting is huge and has its own bathroom. He wants to know how he got so lucky and the guy who’s giving the room up says it’s a lottery, luck of the draw thing. Probably that’s not at all accurate.

Buddy’s new roommate helps him move stuff into their new shared room and Jack’s wondering why those two guys are sharing while he gets the big room all to himself.

Audrey’s at work at the restaurant and is applying lipstick while viewing herself in a spoon. Any time anyone has worked in food service on this show, they have completely fucked it up.

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Wait tables? What is this devilry?

And somehow she’s not fired immediately, even after she tells the chef the salmon is gross, says “sucks to be you” and calls him old. Chef Ramsay would have eaten her by now.

The Chef then wants to promote(?) Pacey to breadmaker because their old breadmaker is back in jail(?) and tells him he doesn’t know what he’d do without him, making Pacey’s decision over whether to sail the Greek islands that much harder.

Audrey then comes back to shoot the shit with Pacey rather than work the crowded restaurant. He’s not interested in chit chat.

At Grams’ house, Grams playing Jack’s video game that he left behind, which tickles me to death and brings back fond memories of my mom stealing my Gameboy and draining the batteries to play Dr. Mario when I was a teenager.

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The devil made me do it.

She puts the game down to talk to Dawson about his registration to some film group and he says he didn’t fit in with them. He then tells Grams he knows it must be weird seeing him dating Jen. Grams says she’s come a long way thanks to Jen’s help, and for example she can now say the word “penis.” Might I remind everyone that Grams used to be a nurse? What did she call the penis when she was on the job?

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“Hey Homer, I can see your doodle!”

Dawson says he’ll live by whatever ground rules Grams wants to set, but she says they both know no one can make an honest woman out of Jen, so just be nice to her. Dawson remembers Jen’s on the radio now so he turns on the station and looks like Jen’s music program has become the love advice show. And she gives shitty advice.

So this girl wants to know why her boyfriend of three months is pulling away. Jen says it’s because the honeymoon period is over and men leave, and frequent sex can delay it for awhile, but not indefinitely. You should see Grams’ face for that one.

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Oh hell no.

Jen also advises keeping things to yourself and calls men disasters. I think she’s going to get canned from her job. But then again, this is Dawson’s Creek where up is down, so maybe she’ll get her own show.

Dawson seems perturbed and Grams tries to play it down so as not to lose the only nice boyfriend she’s ever seen her granddaughter date.

Joey’s in the book store and that pretentious professor is there, admitting he’s assigned reading material from his own book and talking about boys flirting with her. This guy is a creep, and Joey loves it because she’s fucking Joey.

Prof humblebrags about how he wrote the book when he was 20 and calls the themes incestuous.

At the restaurant, Pacey’s hanging out in the dining room, all unprofessional-like and Audrey wants to know what’s bothering him. He reveals his job offer. She tells him to stay or go, whatever, and is of no real help.

Back at the frat house, Jack wants to know why buddy gave up his room. Turns out the freshman he was supposed to share with got uncomfortable with sharing the room with a gay guy, left it too late to say anything and now is boarding with buddy, who’s a senior. Jack’s hurt, but I’m thinking the guys all still like him and, hey, sweet-ass big room all to himself. It’s not like he got a bum deal.

Back at the restaurant, Pacey is talking to Chef and trying to quit and Chef’s like, hey, you’re not trying to quit, are you? This always happens on TV. Pacey quits, giving three days notice, and dude takes it pretty well considering he’s only just recently lost another employee due to criminal charges. Chef looks a little like Paul Rudd. But it’s not Paul Rudd. I wish it was.

Audrey saunters into the kitchen to count tips she probably doesn’t deserve and thinks Pacey’s feeling bummed that his boss let him go so easily, and points out he has a life in town now. You’d think she’d have offered this viewpoint prior to him quitting if that’s what she thought.

Audrey then starts flirting with him only to turn around and call him boring. Audrey is such a pain in the ass. No redeeming features. Thinking on it, I think she’s why I quit watching back in the day.

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You want me so bad, and you’re boring as shit.

Audrey reverse throws herself at him, claiming out of nowhere he’d sleep with her, and he calls her bawdy. She says he makes her feel like Bette Midler and I’m cringing from the shitty dialogue.

Melanie shows up, Audrey parts with some awful attempts at wit and Pacey’s out the door too, despite the fact he didn’t seem to have finished cleaning the kitchen. But fuck it, right? He quit!

Jen walks up to the house, and Dawson is waiting outside for her, which is weird when he could have just waited inside sitting on something comfortable. She surmises he heard the broadcast. OH and who called it? Up is down and night is day because Jen got her own radio show to dispense her shitty cynical advice that’ll ruin young relationships all over Boston.

She now wants to know what Dawson has to say, and seems worked up for bad news. But he just wants to go out. She bristles and is all, well, I already told you I’m busy! This chick thinks men leave and doesn’t consider it’s because she pushes them away. It’s maddening. Joey does the same stupid shit. Kevin Williamson is a bitter old tit.

Dawson tells her he’s going to the movies and then he will come home, and she’s free to join him, or she’s free to keep testing him, but he’s a steady guy who doesn’t cheat or leave. Honestly, I’d leave her, though. This shit she pulls got old seasons ago and ain’t nobody got time for that.

At the frat house, Jack confronts the guy who didn’t want to room with him. He calls him out and the guy’s like, I didn’t want people to think I was gay. They get nothing accomplished and Jack leaves the room.

Audrey arrives back at her dorm, complains loudly about waitressing, kicks her shoe off, which hits things on a dresser. Then she crawls into Joey’s bed, despite Joey not really wanting her there. Joey tells her about how she got asked out and said no. Turns out she thought Audrey slept with the guy, but nope, so she turned down handsome brooding Elliott for no good reason.

Pacey takes Melanie back to the boat and they reminisce over their last boating escapade. I’m gonna level with you all. This scene is boring as shit and I’m sort of glazing over it. They make out.

In the morning they’re getting dressed and Melanie’s giving herself the bum’s rush. Personal pet peeve: Her hair and makeup still look perfect. Fall asleep with that much eye shadow on and you’re going to look like a vagrant in the morning, just saying.

At Grams’ house, Jen has replaced Dawson’s toothbrush but has some requests about how he can be less gross to live with. She offers a convoluted BS reason for wearing makeup too: because when she was a little girl she learned to hide herself and cover up for protection. Oh fuck off, you wear it because it makes you feel pretty and maybe not wearing it make you feel not pretty and you want to leave the house looking pretty, like we all do. Not everything has a deep dark reason. 

Joey goes to Elliott’s room and rather than saying, “Hey, so I didn’t want to go to coffee because I thought you slept with my roommate and I figured it’d be too weird,” she launches into this overly verbose web of complete nonsense and mystery without touching on anything of actual importance. He then says, “I didn’t sleep with your roommate.” Him, I like him. Cutting through the bullshit.

She asks him to coffee and he fakes rejecting her before agreeing. She gives him this shitty smile. Seriously, it’s awful.

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What the fuck is this?

At the frat house, Jack drops his keys in front of the senior guy, all dramatic like, and says he shouldn’t live there. He then leaves without any of his stuff, so is he really leaving? The freshman, I think his name’s Eric, chases after him and offers to be his roommate. Jack says he needs to think about it.

At the boat, Pacey is packing and Audrey shows up wearing an ugly hat and wants him to come outside. Oh look, it’s Joey, Jack, Jen and Dawson there to say goodbye. And that’s odd in its own way because this group has been sort of growing apart. They present him with something that looks boat-ish and turns out he’s not going anywhere after all.

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Not a good year for hat fashion.

So, he’s quit his job and has nowhere to live. Sounds like a plan!

The end.

So, just for the record, getting this episode to play was a real pain in the ass and I’m not sure how frequently I can keep this up. Effing Netflix and their fickle catalogue. So! Keep harassing us in the comments to do more and I’ll make it more of a priority, despite the pain-in-the-assery, and maybe even Jen (who lost patience with this show a long time ago) will come back to complain about it once again. Plus there’s still Jensen to come. 

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 3, Episode 14 – Valentine’s Day Massacre

Hey!  It’s Alek again.  I’m a glutton for Capeside’s special brand of verbal BDSM, so I’m back for another post.

Dawson is teaching Joey how to drive stick, which is kind of a missed opportunity for a bad metaphor.  Pacey is laying in the back of the truck for some reason, because God forbid he misses an opportunity to give Groucho Marx commentary on everything that his friends do.

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“Jesus Christ, I don’t even know how he got back there.”

Apparently, it’s Valentine’s Day, but Joey’s college boyfriend plans to spend it studying.  Pacey rightly calls bullshit, but Joey insists that he’s simply dedicated to his education because no man has ever treated her respectfully.  Pacey, meanwhile, plans to attend an anti-Valentine’s party hosted by a resident Capeside douchebag, and Joey is appalled that Dawson plans to go with him.  She says that she’ll spend the night in with a Blockbuster rental, and I feel the only pang of genuine nostalgia that I’m likely to feel for the next hour.

We cut to Capeside High, where it’s the greenest goddamn February in Massachusetts.  There are people in fucking shorts.  I didn’t realize how close Boston was to the California state line.  Pacey is convincing Dawson to come to the evening’s shitty party when Jack arrives.  He’s been mining the athletes (pun intended) for information about the event, but couldn’t get the address.  He did learn the password, though, because that’s a thing which is somehow necessary.  It’s “I know Kung fu,” which wasn’t cool in 2000 and isn’t cool now.

“They said that Charleston was too gay.”

“They said that Charleston was too gay.”

Jen’s paramour Henry is giving blood to pay for her Valentine’s Day gift, but he’s evidently been giving too much.  He convinces the nurse to bend the rules by waxing romantic, but I mostly imagine actor Michael Pitt as a serial killer, so it’s just unsettling.

“Does it have to be MY blood?”

“Does it have to be MY blood?”

Pacey is chatting up his cop brother, Doug, while he’s on his beat.  He takes some homophobic jabs at Doug because of the music that he’s listening to, while I remember with growing disdain that Pacey is actually kind of a fucking asshole.  He supposedly wants to hang out, but Doug explains that he’s busy patrolling a party at the golf course this evening, inadvertently revealing the location of the party in the most expository way.

I can’t remember if Doug is actually gay or not, but I’m going to guess that he’s the kind of guy who lives in a small town, but has a Grindr account where he describes himself as “straight-acting, maybe lumbersexual.”

At the McPhee house, Andie gets off the phone with her friend Kate, who she’s invited to hang out this evening because her boyfriend just dumped her.  Jack is mad because Kate is his ex-girlfriend, and asks if Andie outed him.  He’s upset that she didn’t, because he’s fickle about his token sexuality like that.  All I can think about is how I’d rather watch Abby Morgan’s slowly rotting corpse than tolerate another scene of Andie being fucking Andie.

The absolute fucking worst.

The absolute fucking worst.

Grams is helping Jen pick outfits for her date, as only a Victorian-era Christian fanatic could.  She insists that red is the appropriate colour, because she’s selective in her oppressive slut-shaming, then goes on to explain the religious significance of St. Valentine and suck every last ounce of fun out of this sham holiday.  She loves the little black dress that Jen chooses, but advises that going without a necklace is somehow chaste and pure (SELECTIVE), while noting that Jen seems anxious.  Jen assures Grams that she’s been on LOTS of dates with LOTS of guys, because Grams hasn’t called her a harlot in a while.

“Dear, sometimes even I want you to get it.”

“Dear, sometimes even I want you to get it.”

Jack and Andy are driving their friend Kate to the party, and they get to talking about relationships.  Jack is about to come out when Kate breaks down and reveals that her ex dumped her because he turned out to be gay, which is pretty coincidental timing.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

Dawson and Pacey are pantomiming golf when the McPhees and friend arrive.  Kate immediately declares that Jack is her ex, then proceeds to tell everyone about her recent break-up and emotional fragility, because she has all of the social skills you’d expect from a budding career-beard.  Pacey pulls Dawson aside to coax him into taking advantage of Kate’s tender feelings, and I guess that the rest of the group just stands, quietly, five feet to the left.

Only Zack Morris can freeze time, Pacey.

Only Zack Morris can freeze time, Pacey.

Thankfully, Joey arrives to break the awkwardness, but of course she only makes things worse.  She’s here to babysit Dawson at the party!  What a fucking wet blanket.

Henry picks Jen up for their date, and he looks like he gave enough blood to become an actual vampire.  Jen is as alarmed by his deathly pallor as I am, if slightly less so because she’s seen it so often on Grams’ youthful face.  They remark that they’re both wearing black, then Jen pricks herself on a rose, and the symbolism is obvious enough that I feel like I’m watching erotic Twilight fan fiction.

“Shall we remove this bloody clothing, young cheesecake?”

“Shall we remove this bloody clothing, young cheesecake?”

The rest of the gang, meanwhile, head to the party in what I can only assume are stolen golf carts (wouldn’t they have to be?).  Pacey made sure that Kate was paired with Dawson, and she’s being so desperately insecure that I’d recommend counseling.  Dawson assures her that she’s beautiful, “In the way that beautiful used to actually mean something.”  Kate responds by being charmed instead of vomiting, like I just did.

Joey is still trying to convince everyone to leave, and Andie is freaking out as she’s wont to do.  Matt, the host, greets everyone with threatening surliness, then makes them all do a shot to enter the party area.  Andie passes as the designated driver, Pacey makes a now-unsettling Bill Cosby joke (too soon?), and Joey loses her shit like everyone just started shooting heroin.

Meanwhile, on Jen’s date with Edward Cullen, the poor fellow is slowly losing consciousness.  Jen is irked with him, until he literally passes out.  This is the only actual dramatic thing likely to happen in the entire episode.

Joey and Andie are taking a golf cart for a quiet joyride and being complete fucking losers.  Just as Andie correctly identifies Joey’s wrath for Pacey as obvious attraction, officer Doug pulls the girls over.  I can only assume that they’re going to rat everyone out because they are no fun whatsoever.

Doug, however, might be more fun than I gave him credit for. HELLO.

Doug, however, might be more fun than I gave him credit for. HELLO.

Henry is being taken away in a stretcher, and comes clean with Jen about his blood sales.  He gives her his Valentine’s Day gift — a ring — and laments ruining the moment.  Which, let’s be honest, he kinda did.

Dawson and Kate are flirting in the most infantile way, and I’m hoping that Kate is drunk and not just fourteen years old.  Kate presumes that she’s been passed off on Dawson in an alarming self-deprecating spiral, but he’s mostly bothered by is the implication that he’s a nice guy.  He insists that he could be the one taking advantage of the drunk girl, and Kate shrugs it off as if that’s not the creepiest fucking thing that he could say.  Their repulsive kissing moment is interrupted by Kate throwing up (like I just did) and then Doug arrives with his flashlight.

Jen comes home to Grams and tells her about her disastrous night, while Grams completely misses the point.  Jen gives her the traumatic facts, and she accurately describes how unfortunate poor Henry is.  Grams calls her out for perhaps setting unreasonable expectations, and Jen reacts as though she has something to think about.  If luxury is what Henry read from Jen’s bald-faced cynicism, then he deserves to be bled to death.

Doug breaks up the party as Pacey is attempting a keg stand, and he seems pretty psyched to be arresting his dickhead brother.  I know I’d be.

In the drunk tank, Kate continues having her super vocal emotional breakdown, and Jack decides that this is the moment to tell her that he’s gay (I mean, sure).  Kate unsurprisingly gets the hint, but reveals that she and Jack had passable sex as if that means anything.  She then worries aloud that Dawson might be gay and just won’t fucking shut up.  Joey is meanwhile disgusted that Dawson would attempt to kiss the drunken basket case, and Pacey makes fun of the unhappy couple.  Everyone is a fucking asshole.

Why are these people friends?

Why are these people friends?

Joey highlights the pointedness of Pacey’s present dickbaggery, and he continues to be a jerk about the show’s central would-be romance.  He makes a case for cancellation, but we’re only in season three, so it ain’t gonna happen.

Doug shows up with the village elders to release the cretins, but leaves Pacey to stew behind bars.  Doug’s sexy when he’s being masochistic.

Jen, in the meantime, visits Robert Pattinson in the hospital, where he’s recovering on Jell-O.  They have a heart-to-heart, and Jen reveals that she was treated poorly on past V-Days and had some anxiety.  She gives him another chance to be normal and decides to keep the shitty ring.  Henry decides that this visit somehow qualifies as a date.  I wonder if he plans to celebrate by killing some yuppies later.

Kate ends her visit by having another pity party with Jack.  He acknowledges that her visit reminded him of his closet days, and she tries to be supportive, but she might want to focus on her own mental health.  I imagine her life peaking at age 36, while she’s taking drop-shoulder selfies with her platonic gay boyfriends in a club called Tops & Bottoms, then going home and chasing a handful of Xanax with a bottle of Grey Goose.

“I’M SO HAPPY.”

“I’M SO HAPPY.”

Dawson is having a talk with Mitch, and dad’s understandably unimpressed.  He drops the hammer and tells Dawson that he’ll now be working at the new restaurant his mother is apparently opening.  The music suggests that this is much more dramatic than a teenager taking an evening job.

In the next of a very long line of late-episode character resolutions, Doug gets Pacey to admit that he’s frustrated because of his growing attraction to Joey.  He talks about Joey being “the kind of pretty that gives you butterflies” while Doug pretends that he doesn’t prefer a rippling, manscaped chest.  Doug overcomes his own crushing, closeted loneliness to advise Pacey to go for the girl.

The episode concludes with Pacey arriving at the Potter residence to apologize to Joey.  Joey tells Pacey that she’s worried about his morals because she’s negging him, I guess.  He foregoes expressing his feelings by offering her a driving lesson, which is basically the most sex that anyone is having on the WB tonight.

I mean… right?

I mean… right?

MVA:  Joey saying, “Pacey, I know it’s a hard concept for you to grasp, but some people are actually dedicated to the pursuit of academic excellence.”  Holy shit, Potter: lighten the fuck up.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 3, Episode 13 – Northern Lights

Opening scene, Pacey and Joey are at the B&B and Pacey is complaining Joey doesn’t want to give him any more help with his lines. Tomorrow is opening night. Dude, you’re fucked. And Joey can’t go to opening night because she’s got a date with college boy AJ. I have no idea who this person is.

Anyway, Joey tells Pacey they’re going to try to see the Northern Lights, and feels like she has to explain what they are. Uh, where is Capeside located again? Pacey tells her there’s going to be no damn lights in this part of the world and AJ’s just trying to get some.

Opening credits

At the massive Capeside High, Joey and Dawson are walking together and Nikki interrupts to ask him why he’s dropped out of film class. Joey ducks out and leaves. Dawson says he just needs to recharge his batteries, as though he’s taking a sabbatical from work rather than shitting on his high school transcript.

Also, he was Nikki’s partner and they have a project due in three days. Whoa, dick move, buddy. He’s like, I’m sure you can get an extension and a new partner.

What the hell is wrong with you?

What the hell is wrong with you?

At the play rehearsal, everyone is running around and Pacey still doesn’t know his lines. Jack drags Andie away. Mr. Broderick is lying in bed waiting for his wife to pick him up. The nurse thinks he has a kidney stone. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t. Those are like being in labour. He’s laying there like a wilted lily, calm as you like. Either this actor or the director know shit about kidney stones or the character is faking it.

Just a touch of the old malaria.

Just a touch of the old malaria.

He hands off all responsibility to Andie, and Jack says he’ll pitch in. Broderick gives a faint deathbed speech. Do they have morphine on hand at this school or something?

In the halls, Jen spots Henry, who runs away from her. She chases after him, heads him off and he’s like are you cancelling our date? You know, I’d point out running away from the girl you’re so into isn’t entirely a productive way to make things happen, but then again he is a teenager and they do stupid shit like that. Right? Or was that just me at 16?

Moving on, Jen tells him she’s not cancelling, even though Henry thinks she’s been avoiding him. She’s like, oh no, I just want to postpone so I can see the play. Henry then says he’ll go with her to the play. She doesn’t look like she wants that at all.

Ah, nuts.

Ah, nuts.

At the Potter place, Bess is helping Joey get ready and she recoils at the eyelash curler, calling it a medieval torture device. Because she’s not a makeup girl, blah blah blah. Yeah, most of us wouldn’t be either if we looked like that as teenagers. And there’s AJ at the door. Bess says Bodie will get it. Will this be another cameo appearance or is that comment just to remind us he still exists?

But it’s not AJ, it’s Pacey. It’s play night and rather than getting his ass to the set, he’s at Joey’s place, giving her flack for her date, saying he can only remember his lines with her. Well, that’s too bad. Pacey is not impressed with AJ’s credentials of speaking Latin and French.

Then Bess pops into the room again to say AJ’s there. And Pacey actually pushes her out of the room by her face and slams the door.

I do what I want!

I do what I want!

And for some reason, she doesn’t immediately reemerge and murder him.

Pacey tails Joey out of the room, unsuccessfully trying to convince her AJ’s a dud who’s just trying to get in her pants. She leaves with AJ, and Pacey’s giving her jealous mad face.

At the party, which is full of boring looking academic types who are standing around, AJ brings Joey a tin mug. He discovers it’s alcoholic and pours it out. Oh my god, this guy is such a square. They start talking and god, they have no chemistry. And Joey’s giving these flirty smiles and it’s like, why?

I love how boring you are!

I love how boring you are!

At the high school, Pacey’s not here. Looks like his side trip to Joey’s place was a dumbass thing to do. Andie’s freaking out because the show starts in 20 minutes. But no, apparently he’s around somewhere. Dawson goes to look and finds him in the dark gymnasium shooting hoops. And why does this gym look haunted and in need of repair?

Good use of time.

Good use of time.

Also:

Uh, what?

Uh, what?

There’s a homemade poster ad for quilting classes in the gym? What is with the props in this show?

Dawson gives Pacey a pep talk about going out there and just having fun, and then makes a smooth basket. Pacey derails the pep by saying Dawson seems pretty zen considering Joey’s out with a college guy. Then Dawson misses the basket. But he’s like, “Had to happen eventually.”

In the auditorium, Henry is looking for Jen, who brought Grams, thus rendering this completely not a date. Grams is like, why didn’t you tell me Henry was coming? I would have stayed at home so you could be alone. Ouch. Then the show is about to start, so Jen says let’s take our seats. And Grams is sitting in the middle. Ouch again.

Pacey shows up at the literal last minute and Andie throws a tie on him, says she doesn’t expect perfection and pushes him onstage. And with a slow start, he launches into it and the audience loves him.

Ugh, back to Joey and Mr. Dull Pants.They’re having a boring conversation about ambition. And he says he thinks girls who lose their moms young are driven to succeed. Uh, meh. I think there’s a wide range of reactions to loss that don’t include studying at school. For example, Joey’s a massive asshole.

Then they’re back on the Northern Lights. At one point the phrase, “Look at it from the particles’ point of view,” and AJ uses it to segue into a kiss. And afterwards, Joey’s like, uh, I got to go. Guess she was as turned off as the rest of us. Anyway, there’s an abrupt rejection for you.

Back at the play, it’s a big success and then there’s this big party after at this very dark bar-like location. For a high school play. Makes sense.

Jen’s at the party too, and Grams has come along. And Jen leaves Henry there with her while she goes to sit with Pacey at the bar. She wants to gossip with him about Joey instead of treat Henry with some consideration. And then Joey pops up, fresh off her shitty date.

Nikki and Dawson are eating together and talking film. And he’s saying he’s too over-analytical and not having fun anymore so that’s why he dropped the class.

Pacey’s talking to Joey and says he knows Lame-o kissed her and says her lipstick is smeared all over her face (No, it’s not).

See?

See?

Then they start talking about love and falling in love again, and so on. The subtext here is Pacey is in love with Joey and she doesn’t know it. Or maybe she does a little, I don’t know.

And then her date shows up. Did he follow her there? But she moseys on over and talks to him.

Then we hear Henry yell, “Jen!” and everyone looks at the ceiling. Henry’s in the rafters just like Pacey was in the play. He then makes her repeat after him: I, Jen Lindley, am embarrassed to be on a date here with Henry Parker. I’ve ignored him, taken him for granted, and spent the last five months of my life making him miserable, all to disguise the horrifying fact that I like him.”

Some guy in the background yells, “Get over it, man!”

Jen tells him to get down and he asks for a ladder.

Joey is walking with AJ and he wants to know if he did something wrong, though he asks in typical Dawson’s Creek wordy fashion. She basically says he’s too smart. I would have said too boring, but that’s me. AJ says he sucks with chicks. Then she asks him to describe the Lights. BLArhghjhj. I don’t care.

At the restaurant, Jack is helping Andie clean up. Okay, seriously? Was this fancy high school drama party catered? And catered for everyone who wasn’t even part of the play? Who paid for this?

Andie’s telling Jack the play was good for her. And when she sees Pacey sitting alone, she grabs her coat, I guess is now done cleaning suddenly, and goes to talk to him.

They talk about the play and Pacey’s grades. They have a moment, share a hug, don’t talk about getting back together.

Jen and Henry are walking, and hasn’t Henry blown it now? And why is Jen pretending to still like him? She basically tells him to chill out. And then she says he’s childlike, but isn’t trying to insult him. And they start kissing. AT no time does she explain why she’s been avoiding him.

Dawson arrives at Joey’s saying he feels lost, and Joey asks what he thought would happen after he took down all his posters and dropped film class. And now he’s having an identity crisis.

And out of nowhere, the stupid northern lights appear:

Boo!

Boo!

Because you can live in a place all your life and never see them and then suddenly when it’s important to a plot point, boom there’s the aurora borealis.

Chalmers: Good Lord, what is happening in there?  Skinner: The Aurora Borealis?  Chalmers: The Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?  Skinner: Yes.  Chalmers: May I see it?  Skinner: No.

Chalmers: Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: The Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: The Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: No.

And Joey caps off this highly unlikely phenomena by saying, “I thought they’d be bluer than this.”

MVA: Pacey – You’re disappointed, aren’t you, about my return to the depths of academic mediocrity?

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 3, Episode 9 – Four To Tango

Opening scene, Dawson’s bedroom, again. Only Dawson’s not there. Jen and Pacey snuck into his room while everyone was out to have sex. WTF… Yeah, that’s normal. Anyway, they can’t seem to make it work because despite considering themselves highly sexual beings, they just don’t have chemistry together.

After failing to consummate their lack of attraction for each other, they hear someone come home and Jen dives out the window. Pacey’s not so lucky and he tries to play it cool when Dawson comes in his room and sees him on the floor. Not that finding people in his room is new to him. Maybe not have a ladder leading to your window?

I should be used to this, but I'm not.

I should be used to this, but I’m not.

Dawsons asks how Pacey got in. Uh, the ladder? Same way Joey, Jen, Eve, Abbie, and every other asshole has ever gotten in uninvited. Then Pacey tries to leave in a hurry, but didn’t notice he was wearing only one shoe. No one would not notice this ever.

Something else? Pacey was clearly falling off the bed when Dawson walked in, and then he claimed to be playing Playstation. The TV is off. Dawson does not remark on this.

After the credits, Jack approaches Andie with letters he received after the news story about him being a gay football player. Ah, the days when people wrote letters instead of leaving comments on a website. You could still be an anonymous dick, it just took longer.

Andie encourages Jack to write back to this gay guy who was on the news for taking a boy to prom. The ’90s were an interesting time, when gay people started doing this sort of thing openly, but it warranted media coverage because everyone else was generally an asshole about it.

In the guidance office, which is very dark for some reason, some counsellor is attempting to be useful. Why is Pacey failing math and otherwise tanking at school? Problems at home, perhaps? How’s that awful girlfriend of yours? But because there’s never any point or use in confiding to a crummy guidance counsellor, Pacey’s out of there.

In the library, Jack is with Andie and trying to show her how to to a web search. Ugh, okay there, Grandma. This is the year 1999 or 2000. The internet’s still new, but it’s not that new. Jack is also online, look at Capeside high’s web site. This small town high school is more technologically advanced than Andie, who segues the conversation to Jack not having a boyfriend.

And then out of nowhere on the screen, this pops up:

This is Skynet-- I mean, Ben. This is Ben.

This is Skynet– I mean, Ben. This is Ben.

Andie’s like, oh wow! Ben instant messaged you!

Okay, great, but what platform is this? How has this random Ben person just found Jack on this nondescript messaging system? This is the age of ICQ where people had long-ass numbers as IDs. But whatevs, the internet was clearly a mystery to the writers, who just made it work how they wanted it to work. Anyway, Andie is coaching Jack how to send an IM, even though she needed help doing a web search.

In the halls, Pacey catches up to Joey so he can borrow her notes. He reveals his ignorance over math shit and Joey’s like, dude, you have nothing going on in your life so you failing at math is stupid. Pacey wants her help and Joey is not interested, at first. But like with everything else surrounding Pacey, she caves immediately.

Jump to a dance studio full of old people and Joey reveals she’s trying to get a scholarship from them. All she has to do is not suck at ballroom dancing, and she needs Pacey’s help. And he’s like, oh! So that’s the trade-off! As though she hasn’t already discussed this whole thing with him en route to the studio and he’s just been confused this whole time about why he’s dancing with the elderly.

Back in Dawson’s room, he’s tidying his stuff and comes across something he knows isn’t his:

Con...dom?

Con…dom?

Back at the school, Joey’s assigning Pacey math problems. Uh, aren’t you going to guide him through them? Isn’t that kind of what help and tutelage entails? Pacey tells her not to tell anyone about their after-school dance classes.

So… this is the next day? Because they’ve already been to one dance class. Oh, who cares. Dawson’s Creek gives no shit about time continuity, so why should I?

At the school, Dawson wants to talk to Pacey about the condom he found in his room, but not before he had to listen to some stupid cover story about home decor to hide Joey and Pacey’s secret dance classes. Why they’re keeping this from Dawson is beyond me. Who cares? It’s just dancing. But Pacey runs off.

Back in the school, Andie and Jack are in the library together talking about the mystery Ben from the internet. Andie wants to know what he looks like, and some random woman comes up and says she dated someone “from the internet” before and he was hideous. Who is this woman? She looks like a teacher, but what teacher would talk like that to students?

Jen enters the video store– okay, what is going on? Are they at school? Is school out? I say I don’t care about continuity, but I lied.

Pacey’s not working, but Dawson is, much to a horny Jen’s surprise and disappointment.

You're not the guy I'm trying to boink.

You’re not the guy I’m trying to boink.

Dawson tells her Pacey’s not working that day, and starts saying he’s been a flake and acting like he did when he was with Miss Jacobs. He then relates back how he found Pacey on the floor in his room, the random condom, the weird huddled conversation and cover story with Joey.

Jen wants to know if Joey was alone when Dawson found him in his room, and Dawson’s like, no, he was playing Playstation. Jen’s affecting pretty believable ignorance.

Meanwhile, back at the school, Joey and Pacey are in a very dark classroom alone, apparently working on math. Maybe go home to do this? Or a library? Why this incredibly dark science lab?

The skeleton helps me concentrate.

The skeleton helps me concentrate.

Pacey’s complaining that he can’t focus on his school work because when he was with Tamara Jacobs or Andie, he’d study and then they’d screw. So now he has to study without getting any sex after. Where’s my violin?

Joey mocks him and then asks if he’s trying to pick her up. He then alludes to his arrangement with Jen without revealing her name. He asks Joey if she wouldn’t want a no-strings, no-awkwardness sexual encounter and Joey’s like, uh, no? She then says if Pacey really wanted this casual sex thing to happen, it’d have happened already.

Back in the library, Jack’s getting a picture from Ben. They’re still there?! I know dial-up is slow, but shit.

Technology!

Technology!

I’d like to point out that in the ’99/’00 school year, that owning a digital camera was uncommon. So unless that was the case, this had to be scanned, and owning a scanner was also not common. But this guy just so happens to have a photo of himself on hand to IM to people he magically locates on a made-up server. Player alert!

Jack thinks he’s hot. Andie takes over and arranges a coffee date for them. Jack is less enthused about meeting an attractive man for a date than you might think.

It’s evening and Jen is still at the video store with Dawson. She’s now helping him do a display and while in the window, she spots Pacey and Joey going to the dance class. Jen wants to tail them; Dawson’s game.

They see them dancing, and considering this is only their second class, the fact Pacey is no longer stomping all over Joey’s feet and they’re gliding in sync is ridiculous. Dawson and Jen try to leave but the incredibly pushing dance teach grabs them and forces them onto the floor. They tell her they can’t stay, but she decides to announce to the class that “more young people” are joining them, to a round of applause.

And despite the fact Dawson is on the clock at his job, he stays and dances. The teacher says Joey and Pacey have been dancing in her class all week. UGH. TIME! Make sense!

Then the teacher’s like you used to date, right? You moved past your issues to dance! Jesus Christ, this is the most unlikely random bullshit. Everything about this scene makes no sense. Who is this abominable pushy woman? Why is Dawson not going back to work? How has a week passed?

Oh, and suddenly Joey and Pacey suck at dancing again, all stiff and shit. And the ridiculous teacher says they’re beginning a mating ritual. I’d be getting out of there and demanding a refund from this whackadoo.

The teacher says that people that dance this badly together are hot for each other. Because nothing screams sexual chemistry like two people who can’t stand to move in rhythm together.

At the McPhee house– wait, did Jack move in back home? Did I miss that somewhere? Was that when Andie came home from the hospital? Oh, who cares. She gives him a pep talk about love and shit. Jack’s pessimistic about the date and says he doesn’t even know if he’s ready to date yet.

…yeah, okay. Jack says this shit all the time, turning down this hot guy or that sexy opportunity. Note to writers: He’s gay, not castrated. Anyway, Jack’s like, if I go, I’m not just telling people I’m gay, I’m doing gay stuff too. Andie’s like, yeah? Well, that’s ’cause you’re gay. D’uh.

At the studio (Dawson’s still there. GO BACK TO WORK) the weirdo teacher is splitting the pairs and puts Joey with Jen and Dawson with Pacey. Everyone has to switch partners when the music stops.

Jen asks Joey when they started dancing and Joey calls Jen out for following them. Dawson wants to talk to Pacey about finding him in his bedroom. Apparently it’s been a whole week and this is the first chance he gets to ask him about it? Dawson asks about the condom, but it’s time to switch partners and Pacey scoops up Jen, who already knows Dawson found the condom. She says don’t worry because Dawson doesn’t suspect her; he thinks Joey’s involved.

Joey tells Dawson about the scholarship and Pacey needing help with math. Why they didn’t just share that in the first place I don’t know. Teenagers are so unnecessarily dramatic over nothing.

Pacey then takes over dancing with Joey and tells her Dawson thinks he and Joey are doin’ it. Joey’s confused and Pacey’s about to explain, but dives away to dance with Dawson again, who wants to know what’s going on.

Pacey’s like, dude, it’s just a dance-math thing. But then he goes on this tirade about Joey not being his girlfriend anymore and how Dawson’s not over her and blah blah blah. Pacey points out Joey’s gorgeous and obviously someone was going to be interested eventually, so what is with all this worrying about her dating other people crap?

(Generally speaking, people don’t like their exes dating their best friends, but moving along.)

Dawson’s not interested in talking about Joey, he wants to know why Pacey left a condom in his room. When it’s time to switch partners, Jen does what she should’ve done early and marches out of the classroom. I wonder if the teacher thinks she can charge for this.

In the coat room, Pacey says, “The storyline is starting to reach the limits of believability.” And that about sums up my opinion right there.

Pacey asks Jen why they couldn’t just have sex already and Jen blames society for some reason. Then they get all hot and bothered out of nowhere and their lack of actual sexual chemistry is awkward to watch.

Jack is outside the coffee shop staring at Ben, who’s waiting for him.

And Dawson and Joey walk in on Pacey making out with Jen in the coat room. What did they think would happen?

We got caught in a public place! How could this be?

We got caught in a public place! How could this be?

Dawson’s more confused than anything, but otherwise just bewildered. Joey, however, is grossly offended. And at first she tries to lay it on Jen, and Pacey’s like, whoa there, this was also my choice. She’s making an awful lot of fuss for something that has nothing to do with her. She storms off. Dawson smirks and leaves them to it.

When they’re alone again, Pacey reveals Joey knows about the arrangement and that it wasn’t just a kiss. Jen wants to know how she knew, and Pacey said he’d gone to her about the situation “hypothetically.” Jen’s upset and wants to know why all the boys are so emotionally drawn to Joey.

Jen then connects some dots about there being some attraction going on between Joey and Pacey, and says their own plans to do it are no good because there’s nothing there between them. It’s ends amicably.

At the McPhee house (Which is the not the same house as it was before. Where are they?) Jack comes home and Andie is sitting in the kitchen in candlelight for no apparent reason other than waiting for him. Turns out, Jack didn’t go. He had a moment of gay self-loathing and stood up Ben.

Joey and Dawson are talking about Pacey and Jen. Dawson’s saying Jen has fake sexual bravado. Joey’s wondering why Dawson, the big romantic, isn’t more upset they’re just using each other. Dawson’s like, meh. Joey won’t let this go and while she’s coming off as a huge prude, she’s more upset at the fact Pacey’s getting it on with Jen in general.

Dawson says he wouldn’t sleep with someone he didn’t love, but understands the impulse. Joey’s like, what impulse? Okay, srsly? Dawson delicately tries to explain the concept of wanting to just touch another person. This show really takes the Madonna/Whore thing to heart. Virginal Joey just can’t conceptualize even a kiss without love.

Joey forgot her coat and goes back. Pacey’s inside looking bummed out. Pacey tells her if makes her feel better, no sex actually occurred, and only finally does Joey acknowledge it’s none of her business and apologize for overreacting. She says Dawson talked her into realizing she was being stupid.

On the way out, the teacher asks them to stay for another class, oh, and there’s no scholarship. But hey, free lessons for six months? Is she that desperate for new blood? But no, they leave.

Most Verbose Articulation: Joey, “He convinced me to take pity on your poor, misguided testosterone-impaired self.”

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 3, Episode 3 –None of the above

Dawson and Eve are in the D-man’s bed. OMFG ARE THEY WATCHING FELICITY?? Can’t we do a blog about that instead? Way better hair.

Felicity!

Felicity!

Eve says she prefers TV because there are built-in bathroom breaks. Dawson is deeply shocked and offended.

Eve says Felicity is essentially girl Dawson. They talk about their lives as TV shows and I’m sure the show producers were patting themselves on the back for being so very meta. Especially when they are getting busy and Dawson says “They always cut to commercial at the best part…”

Cue the credits.

Joey’s alarm is going off and she seems quite shocked by this. She runs to the school and oh it’s a dreaaaam. She is locked out of the PSATs and Dawson don’t care.

Andie’s back and someone fixed her hair from that purple nonsense. She’s doing sit ups, studying cue cards in a Harvard sweatshirt.

Type A much?

Type A much?

Pacey, the group rebel, is sleeping peacefully.

They are talking about the upcoming test and Dawson’s answer decides the MVA right out of the gate.

Pacey and Andie run into each other and her shit is all over the floor and they are snarky with each other.

Teacher is telling Joey she has a chance at a scholarship. Which would come in handy because, in case you forgot, she is gifted and POOR.

Teach tells her to take the night off because of all the pressure she has been under. She asks Dawson to watch a movie with her to help her relax. Dawson says for sure, but he has plans with Eve, who walks up just then. Wait, the stripper is a highschool kid. What?

that boy is mine

that boy is mine

Jack is playing football. When did this happen? Oh, maybe when Dawson’s father became coach. Slow motion, artsy shots, Jack gets his ass kicked.

creative camera work

creative camera work

Joey’s boss is talking about giving the ladies what they want. She wants Saturday night off to study for the PSATs. He says he paid someone to take them for him. He asks her out and she says she is married and a lesbian. Then she just says no.

Eve leaves an apple on Dawson’s windowsill. We find out she is an army brat. Oh, and that she banged one of her father’s friends as a youngster. Then she whips out a copy of the PSAT answers. No biggie all around.

The gang stands around the answers. Joey sorts out that it was Eve immediately. Pacey figures Andie wants it since she is cool with cheating (burrrrn). Jen wants to peek. Joey says it’s wrong. Everyone makes excuses for everyone else to look at it.

envelope gang

envelope gang

Just then the fire drill goes off and Dawson has to leave the envelope on the table. They get back and it is gone. Natch.

Joey is over-filling a gas tank and her boss is pissed that she rejected him so she can no longer have her night off and has to pay for someone’s gas because she over-filled the tank.

a horrible boss

a horrible boss

Jack is broken from football, so he is quitting. Jen doesn’t think he should.

Dawson and Eve are breaking into the school to look for the missing stolen answers. Someone comes in with a flashlight and they hide under a table. Eve is all like, one of your friends took it. Which one is it?

Teach is grilling the gang as to which one of them stole the answers, so Joey pulls the fire alarm. Nope, just a dream.

The gang is discussing the missing test. Joey calls Dawson’s girlfriend a “bleached blonde ho-bag”. Just like old times with Jen. Dawson tells them they better return the answers to his unlocked locker.

Andie returns everything Pacey ever gave her in a box and is a particular cunt about the whole thing.

Jack is sucking at football so some kid tells him a mantra will solve it all. Kid says he is helping him because he wants to win and Jack is good at football, and he wants him to set him up with Jen. She could do worse. Jack laughs at him because he is a freshman.

pay me for my kindness in Jen

pay me for my kindness in Jen

Pacey is visiting Joey at work. He’s drunk and sad over the box Andie gave him, and he trips and throws it all in the drink. He asks Joey to cover for him and I think she does, and don’t these kids ever learn about getting shit faced where they could drown?

bye bye Andie

bye bye Andie

Eve and Dawson check his locker for the missing answers and surprise, they aren’t there. He needs to be alone because he is so profoundly saddened by this. She says she will make him feel better by telling him who took it and says he already knows: his best friend.

Dawson comes to the marina, apparently looking for Pacey at Joey’s work? Dawson is shocked that Pacey is drunk the night before the PSATs. He tells Pacey to give the answers back, and Pacey says he doesn’t have it. They insult each other, and then they start punching each other and Joey comes out and is like dafuq, Dawson?

Dawson leaves and Joey is comforting Pacey, who’s sad Dawson thinks he’s a loser. Joey is like how come you never believed me when I said you were a loser? Then she gives him a pep talk. Then insults him again.

Eve asks Dawson if he got the test, and he has a giant shiner. He tells her that this is all her fault for giving him the test. He’s all like nice knowing you, “because now that I know you, I don’t really like you.” She is shocked and then mad or sad or something.

At football, Jen is being an awkward cheerleader and Jack’s mantra is “FUG”. Which magically works for him and he doesn’t get creamed. The kid who liked Jen runs at her screaming fug and then takes off.

At the test, Dawson just hands his to the teacher. Then Pacey. They bond outside the school and decide to only beat the crap out of each other for women.

Ohh, and we see it was Andie who stole all the answers. Fade to black.

dun dun dun

dun dun dun

MVA: Dawson: Alert, attentive, concerned. Provided you believe the PSA is a measure of intelligence and not a culturally biased weapon against the poor.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 2, Episode 20 – Reunited

There were six in the bed and the little one said...

There were six in the bed and the little one said…

Oh, how cozy. Everyone’s in Dawson’s room watching a movie. He calls attention to how strange it is that they’re all together. Andie’s like, Yeah! Just like St. Elmo’s. Joey, ever the optimist, says, St. Elmo’s from Hell, and then she calls her inappropriate comment “honesty.” Then they start discussing if they’re all really friends or not. Jesus. Count me out of that party.

Apparently this gathering was accidental. Joey and Dawson are a thing, so she’s just always there. Pacey was invited, who invited Andie, who invited Jack. And Jen? Well, she lives there now since Grams gave her the boot for publicly hating on God last episode.

But whatever, a pillow fight erupts, coating Dawson’s bedroom with feathers.

Screen Shot 2014-09-07 at 11.57.53 PM

Who is going to clean this shit up?

At school, Andie’s sporting a new hair colour and determines Pacey hates it when he has a shocked look on his face. He tries to make plans with her, but she’s busy with school and her off-the-deep-end mom (Didn’t they hire that nurse?) and declines. She’s perusing this bulletin board of activities, which I think is a weird thing to do as you’re turning down dates with your boyfriend because your schedule is too full. She then flips out on Pacey about a textbook and storms off.

Inside the school, Andie is dramatically looking through her locker for that textbook and sees this cute guy staring at her. She smiles. Now, who could this be?

Screen Shot 2014-09-08 at 12.05.37 AM

Yo.

Outside, Dawson and Joey are making plans for the weekend. Joey says they’ve watched movies together for the last four Fridays. So is this four weeks after Abby died? Because that’s the night they got back together. And shortly thereafter is when Jen got kicked out. So… four weeks she’s been at Dawson’s so far then? And this is not the main storyline? Yeah, okay.

Anyhoo, Joey says their relationship is predictable because they’ve known each other so long. And it’s their one-month-anniversary. Aha. Yes. Time continuity. I do not take such things for granted in Capeside.

Dawson tells Joey they’re boring and trite people who can’t be spontaneous. Pitch that woo, Dawson. Shit, you’ve had her back for a month, so now’s the right time to get comfortable, obviously. Pee with the door open while you’re at it. Don’t change your socks.

Boring and trite, my ass.

Boring and trite, my ass.

But no, he’s just kidding, he made reservations somewhere nice and says it was supposed to be a surprise until Joey got “persnickety.” She says she’s not persnickety.

No, I think he's right.

No, I think he’s right.

It’s evening now and Jen is sitting outside the Leery house, and Gail is suggesting Jen could call Grams. In my world that’s a hint to patch things up and move out. Jen’s like, n’ah, we have nothing to say to each other, which seems immaterial when you’re two years from graduating high school and expecting to live on the good will of your ex-boyfriend’s mom indefinitely.

Jen says maybe it’d result in her moving back in, but maybe Grams just isn’t mean to be in her life. Uh… you’re a minor, she’s family, and she doesn’t abuse you. Stop freeloading and go home! Gail offers her a girls night in, giving her the daughter treatment, so maybe in her loneliness she’s not looking for Jen to move out.

Mitch and the film teacher are out on a date and she kisses him, and he calls it unexpected. She’s like, we’ve been out on several dates, so things should progress. He calls himself a teenager about this, and if that was their first kiss after all this time, I’m think he’s outta touch, as he’s got teenagers under his old roof who’ve been getting more action than that.

Inside the restaurant, Dawson and Joey show up and there’s no table because despite this Entre Nous being the swishiest place in town, they were unable to grasp the concept of two separate Leery parties. Mitch and Dawson spot each other and we all know where this is going.

A dinner... with my dad? ...and his DATE? dun dun dun!

A dinner… with my dad?
…and his DATE?
dun dun dun!

Now over to Andie, who is not studying at all. She’s in therapy. The therapist says she’s going through complicated grief for her brother, triggered by the loss of her beloved friend Abby Morgan. Uh…

The therapist asks if she’s hallucinated seeing Abby again and Andie says no. She then tells Andie she may need meds for her anxiety again because something in her may not be healing properly– is that something you should say to someone suffering from anxiety? And hang on now. Who was that guy she saw in the hall? Dude, was that her dead brother Tim?

Andie leaves the therapist’s office and gets into her car. And there’s that guy sitting in there and since Andie’s not scared, I’m going with it being Tim. He asks if Andie told the therapist about him, which you’d think a hallucination would know. She says no, then flips out and starts sobbing in imaginary Tim’s arms (They haven’t said it’s him, but let’s be serious, it totally is.)

But, actually, all I can think of is how much this look to anyone who’s seeing her sobbing and cuddling no one in the car?

First rule about seeing people who aren't there is don't talk about Fight Club.

First rule about seeing people who aren’t there is don’t talk about Fight Club.

At the Leery house, Jen is asking Gail personal questions about her failed marriage and lonely Mrs. Leery is going for it. She says you can’t connive love, it has to come to you. Jen asks if she’s going to take that job in Philadelphia and Gail says she’s waiting on a sign. Does the network know that? I’m going to hazard a guess that fancy media jobs don’t stay available indefinitely while you find yourself.

But never mind that, the pot roast’s burning.

At the restaurant, a very awkward meal is happening for reasons I don’t fully understand. You’d think Dawson and Joey would have just gone somewhere else. But they’re all together and the film teacher, Nicole, is suggesting she call up one of her many contacts for Dawson to intern in Hollywood over the summer. Dawson’s not having it and asks, “Isn’t that the city you said would, and I quote, eat me for breakfast?”

And the conversation goes downhill from there, and Dawson’s like, you thought my film was shit until you started dating my dad and now you want to help me go to Hollywood? And she’s like, well, there are other kinds of jobs there, and he’s all, so you don’t think I’m creative then, got it.

A waiter comes to take their order and Joey wants a private word with Dawson. I’m thinking she’s going to suggest going somewhere else like a normal person, but nope! She wants to stay at the fancy restaurant, and tells Dawson he’s putting his petty feelings ahead of their nice night. Classic supportive Joey.

Just as Dawson agrees to be nice to his unsupportive film teacher who’s dating his dad, Gail and Jen walk in. Is this the only place in town?

At Andie’s house, she and Pacey are watching something in her room and she leaves to get something to drink. She’s in her pyjamas. The romance is officially over. She runs into her hallucination in the kitchen and starts telling him off for being late, because not even her own visions are safe from her nagging. She tells him to beat it.

Upstairs in her room, Pacey sees a photo album, flips through it briefly and then leaves the room and takes the album with him. He sets the album on a table and hears Andie talking. She’s asking Tim if Pacey really needs to know about him. But then she calls him Bran? Bram? Okay, so it’s not Tim…?

Pacey rushes in and sees no one there. He looks about as confused as you’d expect.

...uh?

…uh?

At the restaurant, Joey meets up with Jen at the bar and informs her of the situation. Jen thinks this looks like an opportunity for something other than a gong show.

Dawson sits down with his dad and he’s aware his ex-wife just walked in. Dawson’s trying to talk to him about his mom’s job offer in Philadelphia (Which, again, I may add has been on the table over a month now for some reason) and Mitch is like, that has nothing to do with me. I’m wondering how the custodial parent of your only child moving to another city can have nothing to do with you, but moving on. Dawson implores him to work on his marriage.

Going by the name of the episode, I’d say his chances are as good as any.

Gail and Nicole, both in the bathroom, flush and leave the stalls at the same time. Womp womp. They have an awkward greeting and Gail says she’s going to go. Then Nicole, being an insufferable smug ass, goads her into leaving to “be fair to Mitch.” Gail then decides to stay and make the evening more uncomfortable for everyone.

Rule 1: Always make sure to stick it to the ex-wife to boost your own self esteem and relieve your insecurities.

Rule 1: Always make sure to stick it to the ex-wife to boost your own self esteem and relieve your insecurities.

Though, thinking on it, Nicole is the common denominator in each of these social disasters, so Team Gail.

At Andie’s house, Pacey’s thinking she was on the phone with some other guy. Andie’s like, no I wasn’t! And when he pushes her to tell him who she was talking to, she screams none of your business!! Pacey, showing far more patience for mood swings and irrational behaviour than your average teenage boy, now thinks she’s having a mental breakdown.

And Andie takes offence to this because usually people in the middle of a psychotic break aren’t terribly logical. He then wants to know about the photo album. It’s full of family pictures he’s never seen and wants to know why she’s looking through it. She again says it’s none of his business (Typically when you’re in an exclusive romantic and sexual relationship with someone, your mental state is totally their business). He points out her new ‘do looks like it did in the photos, and she’s brushing it off.

She swipes the album back in a rage and destroys a lamp. Not the first time she’s broken shit with her flailing. She leaves the mess, says he can stay there if he wants, but she’s going to bed. Maybe I’m cynical, but that sounds like a passive aggressive way to get him to clean up the lamp shards. Pacey bends down to look at an old photo and, yeah, the guy is totally Tim.

I suppose he could just be haunting her.

I suppose he could just be haunting her.

At the restaurant, they found a table for Gail because she’s a local celebrity. Jen’s probing for personal information about the Leery’s marriage and asks if they had a song.

A bottle of wine from an anonymous source gets sent to the foursome and Mitch looks over at Gail, assuming it was from her. Nicole is going on about films being shitty these days and asks Dawson to promise when he’s a big deal he won’t make crap movies. Dawson bites his tongue. But then Joey calls her out for being a phoney and says she’s persnickety.

At Andie’s place, Jack walks in and Pacey is, yes, cleaning up the mess. Well played, Andie. Jack wants to know what happened. Pacey tells him they had a fight and then they compare notes. Pacey says it sounded like she was talking to some guy named “Brown.” Ah. Since she’s such a closed-mouth talker, it was hard to make out.

Jack looks freaked. Andie comes down the stairs and says outright that it was her name for Tim. Jack and Pacey keep cool. She’s like, Tim’s real! I’m not crazy! And then she crazily runs into bathroom and slams the door.

Back at Entre Nous, Nicole is STILL hogging all the air time, talking film like a giant bore, and Joey starts needling her to talk about how much she hates Dawson’s film and discuss how untalented he is. Mitch, makes a weak attempt to halt the conversation, but let’s it go.

Nicole says you should have the right dream because not everyone has the potential to hit it big. Dawson says, well, you work in a high school in the middle of nowhere so who are you to judge shit? Nicole’s like, well, then fine, don’t listen to me then. Mitch then pipes in, apparently only now realizing he’s been dating a woman who’s been trashing his son’s dreams, and questions her teaching methods.

Nicole says she’s being realistic and life has mean bites. And then Joey, queen of all things hostile and bitter, says the word for people who focus on mean bites is– wait for it– bitter. Pot, kettle, the pleasure is all mine.

Nicole, realizing Mitch isn’t coming to her defence, gets out of there. Dawson wants a word with Joey. He asks why he wasn’t allowed to rip into his teacher but Joey was. Jen pops in and says “operation reunited” is underway. The maitre’d walks by and says the wine made it to its location. Are minors allowed to send wine at restaurants?

Mitch approaches Gail and sits with her. Their song is now playing and they get up for a dance. I’d just like to point out I’ve never been to a restaurant that had dancing. I only ever see this in the movies or on TV.

Mitch thanks her for the wine and says he appreciated the gesture. Gail sees the kids staring at them, catches on and goes with it, calling herself Miss Maturity. They start talking in coded language about Philadelphia, how Dawson will miss her, how she will miss Dawson, how Dawson’s not good at expressing how he feels (Pfft).

The song ends, they go back to their respective tables and Nicole is like, yeah, this sucks.

Probably shouldn't have been such a dick in the bathroom.

Probably shouldn’t have been such a dick in the bathroom.

In the bathroom at Andie’s house, she’s seeing her dead brother in the mirror and screaming at him while Pacey and Jack are working on the door. Pacey’s asking if she’s seeing Tim, and Andie breaks the mirror.

Pacey’s now trying to talk Andie down, and Dead Tim’s trying to turn Andie against him. He’s like, you have to choose. Then Pacey’s catches on when Andie says she can’t choose, and he’s like, no, you have to! Well, this is pretty hard ball to be playing with the mentally ill.

He gives an impassioned speech about his love for her, and how he’s not giving up on her. And she chooses Pacey. But call me a pessimist, I don’t think that’s how you cure hallucinations.

Jack and Pacey put her to bed, and then discuss what’s to be done. Jack wants to call their awful dad to pay for some professional help and Pacey wonders if she just needs some time, no doubt feeling like a superhero after winning out against a ghost. Jack’s like, no man, I’ve seen this before with my mom. We’re making some calls.

Jen and Gail are walking outside and Gail’s decided to stay in Capeside because she feels like she and Mitch have a chance. But then there’s Mitch stroking Nicole’s hair, even after that horrible date. Nicole must be desperate and Mitch must be smooth for this to be happening right now. Gail runs off.

I'm so attracted to the way you think my son is a hack.

I’m so attracted to the way you think my son is a hack.

Joey and Dawson are in the row boat and they’re making out, and Joey wants to know if he intended for them to get it on. He sort of says maybe and they talk about sex. Dawson’s thinking yay and Joey’s saying nay. But Joey says she’s thought about it, and that’s enough to make Dawson happy for now, although he wants to dissect what she means to smithereens. He starts rowing. What the fuck happened to that speedboat from first season?

Sex!

Sex!

The episode ends with Andie and Pacey talking about what’s going to happen now, how Pacey won’t leave her, and they hug it out. Gotta say, things ain’t looking too good.

Most Verbose Articulation: Dawson- “Not 10 minutes after you want me to start practicing a bit of decorum, you start pushing every button at that table.”

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 2, Episode 10 – High Risk Behavior

Pacey and Dawson are finally declaring their love for one another and let’s all pretend we don’t know it is for his movie. In case you were wondering PACEY is the girl.

bromance

bromance

After reading the unrealistic dialogue. Pacey asks Dawson, How many teenagers do you know that talk like that? I.e. More naval gazing by our esteemed writers. Next, Pacey wants to turn Dawson’s movie into a porn and Dawson is like don’t be so gauche.

Roll credits. (Ever wonder what the random wheat is about? Me neither.)

what's wheat got to do with it got to do with it?

what’s wheat got to do with it got to do with it?

I am happy to report the geese are landing on the lake and it is still fall. Maybe this is where the geese fly to when they go south. Where is Capeside again?

Anyway, Dawson and Jen are handing out flyers so all of highschool can audition for his film. Jen wants to cast some dark and brooding sewer rat, not the guy with the sex appeal of a bucket who Dawson wants.

Pacey got tested for an STD, I think? I musta missed something. Andie is like don’t think just because you aren’t riddled with STDs doesn’t mean I will bang you, and he’s like a-ok, but then she gets sad and wants to make sure he finds her bangable.

Joey is sketching a naked dude while sitting at a picnic table and Dawson is all: isn’t that weird. And Joey is like I seen a lot of dicks, buddy. Then she tries not to act like she cares Jen has replaced her as producer and masturbatory fantasy.

Abby hates on the sad film Dawson is making and this new bad guy (Chris) wants them both to audition.

Jack shows up carrying around an actual glass of water… he looks at the naked dude then spills his chocolate milk (not water, my bad) all over him.

spilled milk

spilled milk

At movie tryouts: a purple girl auditions and it turns out they’re all purple people who are ugly and stupid and gum-chewing and completely unsuitable for Dawson’s masterpiece.

watch out for the one- eyed, one-horned, flying, purple people eater

watch out for the one- eyed, one-horned, flying, purple people eater

…just…no

…just…no

Jack comes to Joey’s locker to say sorry for the milk again. And she is like imma fail my art class over this and Jack is like I will totally drop trou for you so you can draw my dick. She figures the male form is the male form, so how could this go wrong.

Andie is buying her crazy pills (please, no angry letters…actually eff it, angry letter the shit out of me on this one..at least I would know someone was out there) and Pacey so delicately grabs her script and goes through her bag and finds out whoopsie, she’s on Xanax. She throws mom under the bus (claiming they have the same first name—no idea if this is true) Then they get distracted because it’s the condom aisle. Andie wants to buy them just in case.

what is dis

what is dis

Chris the movie star also thinks Dawon’s movie people shoud do it. Dawson is like please, he’s too advanced for sex.

Chris reads and it is way better than any of those others until he gets distracted mouth-raping Abby and she gets mad and all hell breaks loose.

a thank ya

a thank ya

Andie is telling Pacey the combination for her chastity belt, and they talk about sex some more.

Jen calls Dawson out on only writing his own life and for not considering her a main character in his life. Jen fishes for compliments and she wants to talk about sex too and Dawson is like MY MOVIE IS ABOUT ROMANCE NOT SEX. And then I think she implies they shoulda banged.

Joey is set up to paint nakedJack. He tells Joey he can wear a towel if she wants to sketch around “it” for a bit. For some reason he is lying on a bed just like in Titanic instead of sitting like chocolate milk guy.

DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH GIRLS

DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH GIRLS

She freaks out and knocks over the world and he drops his towel and then he’s like, well, you seen it, you might as well draw it.

…just…no

…just…no

And then they talk about how her life is so plain that she never thought she would be sitting around drawing dick all night. Life in the fast lane at its fullest.

She makes small talk and asks what scares him and guess what he says

SEX

I rename this episode RISKY CONVERSATION (ABOUT S-E-X).

Dawson is hanging out in Jen’s backyard in the dark and Pacey and Andie are having a candlelit dinner and nakedJack is confessing he’s no virgin.

Jen says if he gets desperate she can play his leading lady and Dawson is like maybe you should have and she’s like you think?

Joey and Jack talk about how scary sex is… and you know, I hung out with the nerds (sorry Jenn) and we didn’t have such pussy conversations all the time, so someone please tell me who the hell actually does?

Jen goes on a big speech about reasons why people knock boots and then offers to spread ’em for Dawson.

Jack talks about his first time and Joey isn’t even pretending to paint anymore. He then compares teenage fumblings toward sex to Van Gogh. Oops and Monet and a bunch other super-famous artist peeps.

The phone rings and maybe he has a boner or something? Alls I know is everyone looks like something happened when nothing did.

Pacey has Andie blindfolded at a bed and breakfast just like her fantasy deflowering. He explains to her that he’s not there to get some, but to give her her dream night. She doesn’t listen and continues to freak out. He calms her down and they make out in front of the fire someone so thoughtfully lit for them.

fiddle dee dee where could we be

fiddle dee dee where could we be

Dawson is on his computer and puts Joey’s pic on his nightstand.

Jack is apologizing to Joey (for his boner?) and now they were getting nekid in the living room? Even though there was a dresser. Whatever. I guess poor people do weird stuff. Jack makes another pass. And Joey is like this is better when you have you clothes on. So they suck some face.

milk-less art

milk-less art

Rather than jerk off, Dawson instead climbs in Jen’s window and then they start to makeout. And he basically says I’m using you, and she is like haven’t you seen the last season? That’s my wheelhouse.

And she makes this face for many many minutes

And she makes this face for many many minutes

Pacey says he doesn’t want to do Andie because it is not the right thing. He wants to wait until she is ready.

EVERYBODY IS SUCKING FACE

…except Pacey and Andie. They are leaving the B&B holding hands.

The screen legit says “To be continued” uh ya, I know. It’s kinda what happens mid-season during a tv series…

thanks tips

thanks tips

MVA:  Abby: I need some time to process here. My electrical synapses are on overload. My brain says one thing but my heart says something else. That I should consider the unequivocal, possibly damaging, highly irrational, hypnotically scarring, proposition of loving you back.