THEY PULLED DAWSON’S CREEK (Damn you, Netflix)

obvious

Jenn: So… our one and only way to review this show is gone:

http://www.bustle.com/articles/113321-10-things-i-noticed-when-re-watching-dawsons-creek-pilot-as-an-adult

Like WTF…

We were so close! 1.5 seasons to go! It was a two-year commitment! I feel robbed.

Jen: We were within a dozen episodes of C.J…

Not like this Netflix… Not like this. Why now?

Netflix may keep us apart... But I'll never stop loving you

Netflix may keep us apart…
But I’ll never stop loving you

Anyway, here is a link that I was going to share when I thought we still had a blog: http://www.buzzfeed.com/alannabennett/he-leased-her-a-wall#.eqQXLz0oAL

Jenn: Omg… The Pacey/Joey plot line. And last we saw, he had buggered off to “paradise” on the boat, dropped Joey flat and then somehow within months they became pals with no romantic resentments. And that’s where we end. IT’S NOT RIGHT! (And like so much else, it doesn’t make sense!)

Where and how do we get our Dawson’s Creek now? I mean, without actually having to buy it? (Because let’s be serious, we’re not doing that).

So we’re, like, on hiatus.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 4, Episode 2 – Failing Down (The Jensen Ackles edition)

So here we are…season 4… the gang’s senior year at Capeside. I was hoping this would finally be the season of Jensen Ackles but will have to appease myself with the rumour that Andie has been all but axed this season. Or do I….

what if....

what if….

Pacey tells Joey that he’s got an appointment at guidance. Uh Oh. Joey and Pacey are walking hand in hand and it seems weird. They set out the rules for PDA and then have a make out sesh right in front of Dawson’s class.

that's in poor taste, isn't it

that’s in poor taste, isn’t it

Credits…

Boats.

I heard there would be no more Andie and there is her stupid face right out of the gate. I’VE BEEN LIED TOO.

Joey wants to apply for a job at the fancy yacht club, but she is too poor even to serve the wealthy. Andie gives her tips on how to sound so rich that it would appear she doesn’t need the job. Like name drop people she doesn’t know. Like the all important Ross family.

Okay, I'll buy it

Okay, I’ll buy it

OMG Dawson and some girl with curly hair are in a CD store. And too bad I went in a different direction thematically because you need to see Dawson’s awkward side part.

no turning back

no turning back

Curly hair gives Dawson a lecture on his sucky taste in music.

Back at Jen’s house. Her hair is finally growing back and she is looking super 2000 girl with her polkadot shirt and blue mac-like computer. She thinks Henry is banging someone else.

Jack frigs around with her computer for a sec, and we hear the ole familiar, “You’ve got mail”, but he logs off and won’t talk about it.

Joey proves that she is rich at the interview by calling her father “Daddy”. Bitchy lady sees right through it until Joey drops the magical Ross name and then she is suddenly hired.

no sense

no sense

Oh big wow! Dada Dawson is filling in until they have a proper new guidance counsellor so he has a license to nag Pacey about being a burnout and getting a bunch of Ds. So, now he has to take the whole last year over while doing this year too. That sounds attainable for someone who couldn’t do normal school. But big DD says it is that or watch your friends go on to have lives while you are stuck here.

DON”T LEAVE ME 

DON”T LEAVE ME

Now curly hair is house hunting with Pacey. Since they are moving in together I will assume this is his…sister? They bond as he tells her about his academic woes. Curly Sue tells him he oughta tell his gf.

At her new job, Joey forgot to get some dude his lunch and he goes on a big rant and calls the baby he imagined for her a “carpet monkey”….then he is like: just kidding, I was just pretending I was my asshole father, who I am nothing like. Then he tries to bond with Joey over how superficial people are. She snarks at him and then realizes she is talking to a ROSS.

Big D and little D are chit chatting and Big D blabs about the mess Pacey’s in. Pretty sure there are rules against discussing students you counsel with their peers, but we will let it go. Dawson’s panties are still in a bunch over Joey so he gives precisely zero fucks.

Jack and Andie are discussing how Henry wants to dump Jen. I guess now we know what Jack saw online.

Joey and Pacey are eating delicious pizza on the boat. Joey is waxing poetic about senior year and Pacey is having none of it. Joey says she will not become some townie and Pacey takes her to task on discriminating against others and she is not into that.

Back at Capeside the bell rings and in case you forgot it was SENIOR year this season someone has written “SENIORS!!!!” on the blackboard. At role call, Dawson stares at Pacey’s empty desk (oh oh).

Joey is not in school either. She is on the dock where weird rich guy calls Joey on being nice (it creeps him out because he met her for 30+ seconds). Joey and rich guy watch and gossip about the rich folk.

Jen and Jack are hanging out on a different dock. Jack asks Jen what she would do if her and Henry broke up “for no reason…just asking”. Since that’s totally obvious, Jen wants answers, but Jack won’t give ’em and she storms off.

Dawson returns CDs to Joey that he borrowed 3 years ago. Dawson tells Joey about Pacey’s academic dilemma and she makes a face like she honestly did not see that coming.

did not see it coming

did not see that coming

Joey confronts Pacey. Pacey gets sulky and calls himself a loser and Joey loses patience and takes off.

Next morning: Curly Sue is nagging Pacey to go make up with Joey. During their argument, they walk by a table laden with Krups products.

well played

well played

Joey is getting the boot because turns out the kid she thought was the Ross child, was not. Bitchy lady knows they are in France all summer, and therefore Joey does not know the Rosses and is expendable. The fake Ross kid comes in and says: MOM, I saw him in here with my own two eyes, so leave her alone. Say what? This guy is actually the red-headed bitch’s spawn?

plot twist

plot twist

Jen’s sad she got dumped via email…to someone else

the horror

the horror

Dawson sulks with her and talks about rejection.

love hurts

love hurts

Jack and Jen both apologize to each other. All I can think of is how much better she looks with hair.

Pacey tries to make nice with Joey. He explains that he is a bad boyfriend because he is afraid Joey will leave him for Dawson. Joey explains again that she chose Pacey, not Dawson so, like, get a grip. Pacey cries and says he is scared and needs her help not to flunk out of school and she says don’t worry she will rescue him. Then they suck some noisy face.

GUYS I'M EATING!

GUYS I’M EATING!

Then she calls him “emotionally retarded”. Don’t think that shit would fly these days….

The end.

Most Sexy articulation: Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cake hole.

It was also pretty fun when Joey used the word “Bitchery” on the old yacht hag.

soon...my precious…soon

soon…my precious…soon

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 3, Episode 6 –Secrets and Lies

We start out not in Dawson’s bed for a change, but at good ol’ Capeside. Jen is bitching that she is turning into her mother because she is homecoming queen. Well, what can I tell you, Jen, sometimes life just deals you a losing hand.

And here’s a spoiler for you, hon: you might want to lighten up a bit because things could get much much worse for you than winning a popularity contest that comes with a crown.

Speaking of being effing robbed…I was promised some goddamn Jensen Ackles when we started this blog and I would like some goddamn Jensen Ackles! How much longer?

Ahh, now that's better.

Ahh, now that’s better.

Now we find out some old dude (the principal?) rounded up all the past homecoming queens so they could be given the privilege of meeting the latest in an assembly line of boobs on legs. I guess this gaggle of grown-ass women had nothing better to do on a weekday morning, and that sure as hell bodes well for Ms. Lindley. They call themselves HQs and have a secret handshake that they share with Dawson because he’s a queen too.

words fail me

words fail me

Cue the theme song. And since you bastards wont give me any satisfaction I cue the imaginary Jensen montage.

Run like mad.

Run like mad.

Joey and her sis have turned their house into a B&B or something…not sure. Joey and Pacey are talking and it is obvs Andie is seeing someone else (Joey’s ex-terrible boss?) and I feel like I have missed a lot in these last few episodes.

At Dawson’s house the family reunites, because as a former HQ, Dawson’s mom came all the way home for the HQ event and I am going to axe murder someone because either the priorities of the average US adult is way more fucked up than I ever realized or this plot line is absolutely fucking ludicrous. It’s a high school popularity contest, who the fuck would care five minutes after it was wrapped up? Let alone twenty years?

Oh Mom drops a bomb, Dawson has to go the the HQ gala. Good thing he learned the handshake. Sidenote: Dada is all awks while mom gives him the shaft.

maybe i would like to go to the ball

umm, maybe i would like to go to the ball

I guess Andie is back and she scares off Pacey with her face. Then she argues with Joey over the dude Joey used to work for and Joey is all this is gonna go badly for you and imma say I told you so.

Jen is wandering around some fancy-ass house. Some old bag shows her the dress she made for the stupid gala and gets mad because Jen don’t give no shits about any of it.

You aren't wearing a bra

You aren’t wearing a bra

Jen leaves and runs off with the “handy boy” who just fell off the roof while getting chased by bees???

Joey gets a call from crazy Andie who is rocking back and forth and cries “Please help me”. Joey and Pacey to the rescue. They pry the story out of Andie, and she tells them about her near miss date rape. Joey misses her most excellent chance for a giant “I TOLD YOU SO!” Pacey makes itl that much better by going to confront the guy while Andie begs him not to. He punches out Rob, who says he never touched her. I tend to believe him. She prolly got raped by a ghost, guys. Do you not remember that she sees dead people and shit…not exactly the most reliable witness.

pacey takes back the night

pacey takes back the night

Ok now I don’t know what Jen is doing. Maybe the handy man just so happens to be the baby-face boy who has a thing for her. Maybe the old broad said Henry not Hank. I don’t have a clue. He hands a guilt trip to Jen because the old bag was looking forward to meeting her because she has nothing else in her life and Jen just shit on the whole thing. Guess he doesn’t know the gang very well because that is kinda their thing.

Joey and Pacey tell Andie she has to go report the almost rape to the cops. I wonder how far up the priority list that one would be. She’s like no fucking way. Pacey tells Joey that he will take care of Andie, so hit the road.

Jen starts over with wrinkly loser lady. Then Jen tells old bag that Hank is going as her date. WTF is this guy’s name?

Pacey takes the rape victim to a boat and wraps her in a blanket. Pacey is all like “I’m over you.” Andie is like “I’m not.” and she’s like “totally worth a rape to get back with you.” She makes a move on him and he’s like “nope. You needs to go have a shower before we get down to business.” She talks a whole bunch and then he sucks some face with her.

Pacey drives Andie home in the cop van. They talk like they might be back together.

Rapist Rob shows up at Joey’s house and she says no sex offenders allowed. He says he’s innocent, and Joey yells at him. Then he says Andie’s mental. Joey slams the door.

I feel ya, brah.

I feel ya, brah.

At the HQ ball, some lady outs Dawson’s mom for getting fired for being too old. All these soccer moms and their bob haircuts acting like they in high school are making me really sad.

My dick - size of a pumpkin Your dick look like Macaulay Culkin

My dick – size of a pumpkin
Your dick look like Macaulay Culkin

Enter Jen, who is trouble for being late. Jen decided to bring a drag show in to give the old bag a heart attack.

Back to Joey and Andie, and Joey tells Andie that Rob says she’s a lying skank. Andie then says her and Pacey are back together so everything was worth it, and Joey is like oh shiiiiit, she actually is a lying skank.

The drag show starts. The HQ crowd gets their grove on while Jen looks unbearably smug. We see that Queen bitch is tapping her foot to the music, but it looks more like a dog having a seizure.

par-tay

par-tay

Andie drops in on Pacey to see how the boat repair is going. Pacey talks about how it is harder to rebuild something that has been damaged than starting from scratch. Then Pacey says they made a mistake. Andie is like, bummer, because this is the first time I’ve been happy since I left the hospital, and Pacey is like see, we have the opposite reaction, we are not in sync. Pacey stares her in the face and says you are not the one, and if it were anyone but Andie it would be pretty brutal, but it is her, so yay!

The HQ party is rocking—and I shit you not, there is an honest to goodness conga line. Jen apologizes for trying to shock the old lady, and Jen says she actually enjoys being a homecoming queen. Old lady tells Jen to stop leading Hank/Henry on like a hussy. Then old lady tells a story about how this dude proposed to her on his mother’s grave on the anniversary of his mom’s death and how it was just a scam to get her in the sack. Moral of the story: quit jerking that kid around or he will turn into a lonely old lady with a dried up vag like me.

So Jen drops the bomb on the kid and he responds with I think I am in love with you. Jen’s all “You don’t know me.” Then he gives her a big long speech on love. She’s like still no. And he’s like my heart is broken and walks away.

Mom and Dawson talk about her being a has-been and a liar.

Andie yells at Joey for telling Pacey that she made up the whole thing to get him back. Joey is like “I did not. I know you. I know you would never do anything so wrong.” Andie is like, “You don’t know what I can get like when I set my sights on something, and I did make that shit up.”

are you offing kidding me right now

are you effing kidding me right now

Ugh, back at the party the old lady is doing shots with the drag queens and that dead horse has been pulverized. We get it. She’s old. She’s a bitch, but she was down with the drag show.

Music montage of people doing stuff like walking on the dock, cleaning their boat, and girl bonding on the porch

MVA, Jen: “Homecoming Queens, draq queens, what’s the difference? They are all people dressing up as something they are not. Playing a role.”

MVA in my own mind: Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cake hole