Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 9 – “Four Scary Stories” Or, if you prefer, TREEHOUSE OF HORROR GOT NUTTIN ON ME

Full moon alert. Joey, Pacey, and Jack are returning from a scary movie, and ripping it to shreds. Pacey calls Joey a skittish kitten which is cute-ish. This has all the makings of a halloween special…except I looked it up and it originally aired in…December. Nonetheless, Joey goes for food, and follows noises and a basketball goes flying down the stairs and then she is locked out. Don’t fret. Just a prank.

Credits.

As the gang eats all of Grams’ food, Joey starts to tell them a scary story to prove she isn’t a fraidy cat:

Joey is explaining to roomie why she has to study on halloween (she can’t get her course reserve any. other. time.) Audrey is dressed as pre-pigs blood Carrie (Blood is like all red and sticky. Totally gross).

not so scary carrie

not so scary carrie

At the library Audrey decides to get creeped out by some guy eating peanuts at a desk. That’s how you know this show is 15 years old…we could consume nuts in public without fear of killing everyone. All the nerds at the library hate Audrey because she’s obviously got a social life. So she leaves. The hours go by until it is just Joey, peanut guy and a massive pile of shells (they were getting annoyed with Audrey for talking, and yet this guy is making a racket and a mess).

deez nuts

deez nuts

Peanut dude makes some comment about how Joey shouldn’t be out after dark alone. She goes to the stacks, where Peanut guy whispers to Joey to come there and she runs, which pretty much guarantees that he is looking out for her well-being. Naturally, the other book she needs is in “Special editions” in the basement (dun dun dun). Turns out library guy is the bad guy and peanut guy is a cop trying to protect her. She kicks the shit out of the bad guy…including throwing a card catalogue at him (Watching this show makes me feel 100 years old). Joey and Peanut cop gloat over how her kickboxing class paid off.

Jack says he has a better story and it is uncharacteristically about his fraternity. Jack and his bruhs (is that what they are called?) are hanging listening to the radio and drinking jack out of a flask. They are also looking at old stuff…Someone’s Dad’s old yearbook or something, and tell a story about a dude that killed everyone. Jack gets all fucked up because he mixed cold medicine with one drop of booze. The bathroom is gross as hell and to top it off some shadowy thing runs by (which makes me think of supernatural, which makes me think of Jensen Ackles, which makes me think of WHERE ARE YOU DEAN? I was promised you were on this show.)

Wait, what did I miss…Jack is on the stairs. Noises can be heard, but no one answers when he calls out “You there”. He approaches a door that is making rattling noises. One of his friends…(or some random?) is bound and gagged in the closet. Oh wait, this guy is a legacy…perhaps the offspring of that killer dead guy or something? Dude confesses he’s gay and they bond over liking the dick and stuff. Oh wait, it WAS the guy who killed everyone, Jack sees him on the pic, and poof he is gone.

wait i just pulled him out of the closet

wait i just pulled him out of the closet

Pacey is up next. They tease Pacey about URBAN LEGENDS and he says he has experienced them, and they talk about his double life. HOW META.

Pacey is driving that waitress home who is riding him for his boy-crush. Pacey flashes his lights and she spouts an urban legend that I swear they mentioned on the film. After nearly being run off the road they come into a diner and everyone is staring at them. Shit..maybe I watched this episode of Dawson’s thinking it was Urban legends because this is incredibly familiar. The car that tried to kill them is in the parking lot, and Pacey screams at everyone. Now the car is in front of them on the road. Car chase, then waitress gets a bat out of the trunk, and they approach the car. Pacey opens the door ANDDDD there’s no one there.

Back in Grams’ living room they have lit every candle Grams’ owns. What a foolish waste. She comes home and when she finds they are telling ghost stories she has one for them.

Grams tells Jen’s story—her first night at the radio station, alone in the booth. A branch is tapping on the window. Jen goes out to investigate and gets locked out, and she drops her id badge trying to use it to jimmy the lock. Something whispers “Jennifer” at her from the darkness. It falls down. It is just a mannequin. Suddenly she is able to open the door, and her id is on her desk, not where she dropped it earlier. Something/someone smashes through the glass. The end.

Everyone pisses their pants and Grams skips merrily away.

take that you little shits...and quit wasting my candles

take that you little shits…and quit wasting my candles

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Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 3 – Capeside Revisited

Jen and Joey and gregarious roommate Audrey are hanging in some restaurant. Jen gets a call from Charlie, the new man. She says she answered the booty call because she could use the “snuggle”. Sounds legit. They talk about how Sex and the City they all are (Joey’s a Charlotte—tee hee!).

desperate pop culture reference

desperate pop culture reference

Then Joey goes to the can and sees Pacey working in the kitchen.

As I watch the intro I wonder if the actors were as over this show as the rest of the world was. Like Joey is jogging… you know who jogs? Grown-ups.

Outside the restaurant Jen admits to Joey that she knew Pacey was in town. Guess roommate is still inside dealing with the CHEQUE.

Dawson is sleeping over at Grams’. He’s belly-aching over giving his parents some news about what he is doing with his life.

Jack is playing videogames at some party. There are greek letters on the cup, so I can only guess it’s a frat party. They think he is bidding and from the look on his face it would seem that he had not been planning as much.

Now Pacey is bitching about not being head chef at his brand new restaurant job.

Jen is at the human teddy bear’s house and he wants to suck her face and she wants to bond and hear all about his childhood and stuff. She makes him tell her where he went to high school before she will drop her panties.

Dawson is frolicking in nature looking pensive. Oh wait, it’s his parents’ lawn actually.

Dawson confesses the big secret: he’s dropping out of film school because LA is shit and his friends all went to Boston. Papa Dawson flips and tells Dawson that he is mistaken, he will not be dropping out. Dawson looks stressed and mutters “welcome home” to an empty room.

Audrey tries to communicate with Joey, and Joey just insults her about being a slut. Audrey takes it and heaps on the compliments for some strange reason. I would knock that bitch out, personally.

Jack is opening his fraternity letter thingie, and by the face he makes when the guy says “Am I in or am I out?” you just know he is going to come out to these guys. He confesses, but they are all like d’uh, you are here because we need a token gay.

Jen and fluffy hair discuss how long they could go without banging each other and the stupidest bet on the planet begins.

Leerys yammer on about Dawson’s choice. Dawson says he hopes he never gets too busy living his life to sit around thinking about it… odd that. His dad booked him a ticket back to film school, and is all carpe diem or some shit.

Mama Dawson confesses she wants to have him close again and there is a really schmaltzy scene about how much the family loves each other. I guess they didn’t catch season 1 when mom was doing the weather guy.

happy happy happy

happy happy happy

And I’m getting distracted by how white this guy’s teeth are, and how this is just the perfect snapshot of white privilege.

our son is not awkward at all

our son is not awkward at all

Jen and the dandelion are annoying as fuck still. They get in a fight over subtitles.

Jack says Toby called him “Gay uncle Tom” at the frat and that’s entertaining as he relays all this to good ole Grams.

Jen has her shoes on this guy’s bed as they are unable to find a single common interest aside from getting it on. Since Jen is such a brainy feminist type, this must all be very hard on her.

Joey’s purposeful stride down the dock tells me she knows where to find Pacey. Oh there he is! She wanders up and starts yammering on about the stars. Then Joey interprets a scientific study she has read in a way that clearly indicates that she has less grasp of science than she does of writing.

Dawson is packing a bag, he says goodbye to momma and baby sis, and he hands his dad back the ticket. Dad makes sure Dawson knows he is disappointed in him, and that he loves him and he will always be there for him (my spidey sense are tingling here…something is not right). Too much soft music and Dad standing in the middle of the yard.

Jen and lips-on-legs break into the health centre to steal condoms and Jen realizes he CAN’T READ. Well, I didn’t see that coming. Oh, wait no, never mind he’s just NEARSIGHTED, my bad. I thought he was illiterate, but actually he just wears glasses.

Then they bang on the floor of the health centre.

Jack is talking to frat guys about being gay still.

Pacey is getting schooled on truffles at the restaurant.

Dawson and Joey talk about his big decision to drop out.

Meanwhile Daddy Dawson is driving home singing to the radio and dropping an ice cream cone in his lap

watch the road not your lap

watch the road not your lap

SHIT WATCH OUT THEY GONNA CROAK YOU–

well fuck

well fuck

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 3, Episode 15 – Crime and Punishment

Joey is painting a wall at school and we can be sure she is a true artist because she is wearing ugly-ass overalls and a bandana. Pacey saunters up with his lovelorn look and she immediately tells him off because she is just so offended by his presence. Pacey responds to the verbal abuse with a big grin instead of knocking her off the ladder as any reasonable human being would.

always a ray of sunshine

always a ray of sunshine

Pacey talks about how he wants to be cool like Joey the artist and she explains that he is just avoiding all the family that is staying with him (one or more sisters plus children possibly?). This is news. I thought he just had that member of the village people as a brother.

Joey reveals her painting and it is the absolute fucking worst. Like the fucking worst.

tattoo artist

tattoo artist

Credits: Oh! These are slightly less PG than the last time I saw this.

sexy time

sexy time

At the halls of Capeside, Dawson wants to see Joey’s mural and she is like no way. She has to give a speech when her crappy wall is unveiled. She is all insecure about it and she should be because it was fucking stupid. She says her painting represents possibility. And that’s just too easy, so let’s move on.

Next scene: that guy who was in the critically acclaimed film, KILLER RATS, aka Matt Caufield is in trouble for phoning home for a test answer, even though his stupid mom didn’t know anyway.

cinematic genius

cinematic genius

Andie is sitting on this disciplinary committee for cheaters (the writers must have just looked up irony in the dictionary). Andie tries to throw the book at him, the principal says something vague so I don’t know if she was over-ruled. Andie looks as perplexed as I feel.

After the hearing, principal lets Andie know that she is one of the top 50,000 scorers on the PSATs she cheated on. You would think you could maybe hit the top 10,000 when you had all the answers, but no biggie.

Pacey shows up at Doug’s apartment. He wants to stay there thanks to all the sisters. Their father will even pay for it. Pacey calls his brother a homo a bunch of times. And Doug is convinced he can stay. He sets out some really stupid rules: don’t eat any food from mom because she can’t cook, use coasters and keep the CDs in alphabetical order. Then he asks if Pacey is any good at decoupage, which I can only assume is a gay thing.

At the Potter residence, Bess and the latest Bodie talk about how they are coming to see Joey’s art being unveiled… Even though Bess was bullied in high school and Bodie is black. Joey says don’t worry, there are 11 other black people at school, so it is all good.

At school, the kids are showing their art and they are unveiling light houses and football players, just like Joey said. She goes on about how divisive everything around them is, and mentions that their school mascot is the Minute Man..ummm what?

Capeside's mascot

Capeside’s mascot

Prinicpal pulls on the fancy unveiling rope, BUUUT, it turns out that someone vandalized it. I would say it was a definite improvement.

most improved painting

most improved painting

Dawson tries to tell Joey it was not her fault, but Pacey is like, uh yeah, probably someone hates you and it is personal. Joey blats and feels sorry for herself and calls her tears over her mural “an existential crisis”

Jack and Andie talk about the crime against Joey, and Andie claims she is going to quit the disciplinary committee because she is tired of sitting in judgment of others (no, I don’t buy it either).

Dawson tries to talk Joey into repainting the mural. She’s like “nope. That shit took me a month”. They bicker over giving up on your dreams (Dawson quit film after the scathing reviews after the festival) and Joey plays the I’m too poor to change my mind card, which is weird because she’s trying to give up on her dreams, so really that is a point for Dawson. Further proof that she just really likes to talk about being poor and motherless. Dawson says he figures she’s relieved someone vandalized her so no one could judge her. He tosses the keys to the school on to the table because the principal just handed them over to him in case Joey wanted to let herself in.

To find the guilty party, Pacey takes bets on who vandalized joey’s shit, and everyone thinks it was KILLER RATS boy. In the parking lot, Rat boy says it wasn’t him. They have a little standoff. Pacey tells him to apologize and turn himself in and it is just awkward and sad.

mad dawg pacey

mad dawg pacey

Pacey slams rat dude into his nice truck and Ratty says he will go apologize to Joey and then knocks Pacey the fuck out. They have a huge parking lot brawl and then the principal shows up in his car.

Andie tries to barge in the middle of the parking lot fight investigation to quit the disciplinary committee, and no one will fess up to why they were fighting. Principal calls in Dawson because he knows he will sing, and he doesn’t disappoint.

Then rat boy says he didn’t give a rat’s ass (FORESHADOWING HIS FUTURE BLOCKBUSTER, YO) over her Chinese painting and OH SNAP HOW DID HE KNOW WHAT THE PAINTING WAS?

Ratty says the painting was an eye-sore and he didn’t want to look at it (I am with him). Then he actually says “I”M WHITE. I”M RICH. THAT’S ALL THE POSSIBILTY I NEED”, which is definitive proof the writers have completely fucking given up on this show.

Meanwhile, Andie confesses to Jack that she cheated on the PSATs. She tells him she is going to confess, but Jack is like don’t screw up your whole life over a PRACTICE exam.

Pacey is wearing a steak on his face. And Doug wants it so he can put a nice Bearnaise sauce on it.

Joey comes in to yell at Pacey for defending her and Pacey is like, I am only looking out for you because Dawson asked me to and Joey is, like, super pissed.

Rat boy is getting the book thrown at him. He is expelled for messing up the painting. He threatens the principal with his father and makes a really annoying face.

Joey confronts Dawson about the “wife swap” outside the disciplinary committee

Andie is clearing out her locker and gets all emotional over a want add for a director that she has pinned to the back of her locker.

Don't get your hopes up

Don’t get your hopes up

Pacey and Dawson are walking down the hall and Pacey’s punishment was to become a mentor. Dawson is worried about the poor kid and he’s pissed that Pacey let the cat out of the bag to Joey.

Andie confesses to the principal and he asks her what he should do with her. Andie says I heard you expelled Ratty, and I deserve the same. Principal goes on a big speech about looking at the person and know when to be lenient. He is going to think about her punishment, but she is not expelled.

Joey is back in her ugly ass painting clothes. And Pacey is busy whitewashing away the vandalism. Pacey asks her if she will thank him and of course she is like “For what?”

They are painting and Dawson walks by and gives them some stupid smile and the show is over.

MVA:  Joey, “Tilting at windmills while in the throes of a misguided hero complex?”