Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 9 – “Four Scary Stories” Or, if you prefer, TREEHOUSE OF HORROR GOT NUTTIN ON ME

Full moon alert. Joey, Pacey, and Jack are returning from a scary movie, and ripping it to shreds. Pacey calls Joey a skittish kitten which is cute-ish. This has all the makings of a halloween special…except I looked it up and it originally aired in…December. Nonetheless, Joey goes for food, and follows noises and a basketball goes flying down the stairs and then she is locked out. Don’t fret. Just a prank.

Credits.

As the gang eats all of Grams’ food, Joey starts to tell them a scary story to prove she isn’t a fraidy cat:

Joey is explaining to roomie why she has to study on halloween (she can’t get her course reserve any. other. time.) Audrey is dressed as pre-pigs blood Carrie (Blood is like all red and sticky. Totally gross).

not so scary carrie

not so scary carrie

At the library Audrey decides to get creeped out by some guy eating peanuts at a desk. That’s how you know this show is 15 years old…we could consume nuts in public without fear of killing everyone. All the nerds at the library hate Audrey because she’s obviously got a social life. So she leaves. The hours go by until it is just Joey, peanut guy and a massive pile of shells (they were getting annoyed with Audrey for talking, and yet this guy is making a racket and a mess).

deez nuts

deez nuts

Peanut dude makes some comment about how Joey shouldn’t be out after dark alone. She goes to the stacks, where Peanut guy whispers to Joey to come there and she runs, which pretty much guarantees that he is looking out for her well-being. Naturally, the other book she needs is in “Special editions” in the basement (dun dun dun). Turns out library guy is the bad guy and peanut guy is a cop trying to protect her. She kicks the shit out of the bad guy…including throwing a card catalogue at him (Watching this show makes me feel 100 years old). Joey and Peanut cop gloat over how her kickboxing class paid off.

Jack says he has a better story and it is uncharacteristically about his fraternity. Jack and his bruhs (is that what they are called?) are hanging listening to the radio and drinking jack out of a flask. They are also looking at old stuff…Someone’s Dad’s old yearbook or something, and tell a story about a dude that killed everyone. Jack gets all fucked up because he mixed cold medicine with one drop of booze. The bathroom is gross as hell and to top it off some shadowy thing runs by (which makes me think of supernatural, which makes me think of Jensen Ackles, which makes me think of WHERE ARE YOU DEAN? I was promised you were on this show.)

Wait, what did I miss…Jack is on the stairs. Noises can be heard, but no one answers when he calls out “You there”. He approaches a door that is making rattling noises. One of his friends…(or some random?) is bound and gagged in the closet. Oh wait, this guy is a legacy…perhaps the offspring of that killer dead guy or something? Dude confesses he’s gay and they bond over liking the dick and stuff. Oh wait, it WAS the guy who killed everyone, Jack sees him on the pic, and poof he is gone.

wait i just pulled him out of the closet

wait i just pulled him out of the closet

Pacey is up next. They tease Pacey about URBAN LEGENDS and he says he has experienced them, and they talk about his double life. HOW META.

Pacey is driving that waitress home who is riding him for his boy-crush. Pacey flashes his lights and she spouts an urban legend that I swear they mentioned on the film. After nearly being run off the road they come into a diner and everyone is staring at them. Shit..maybe I watched this episode of Dawson’s thinking it was Urban legends because this is incredibly familiar. The car that tried to kill them is in the parking lot, and Pacey screams at everyone. Now the car is in front of them on the road. Car chase, then waitress gets a bat out of the trunk, and they approach the car. Pacey opens the door ANDDDD there’s no one there.

Back in Grams’ living room they have lit every candle Grams’ owns. What a foolish waste. She comes home and when she finds they are telling ghost stories she has one for them.

Grams tells Jen’s story—her first night at the radio station, alone in the booth. A branch is tapping on the window. Jen goes out to investigate and gets locked out, and she drops her id badge trying to use it to jimmy the lock. Something whispers “Jennifer” at her from the darkness. It falls down. It is just a mannequin. Suddenly she is able to open the door, and her id is on her desk, not where she dropped it earlier. Something/someone smashes through the glass. The end.

Everyone pisses their pants and Grams skips merrily away.

take that you little shits...and quit wasting my candles

take that you little shits…and quit wasting my candles

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Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 1, Episode 7 – Detention

Blah blah the usual opening schtick. OMGGGG I want the ET doll. So freaking cute.

gimmegimmegimme

gimmegimmegimme

Joey schools Dawson that girls can be just as superficial as guys. Dawson argues for romance. Joey puts him down and says Dawson doesn’t like that because he has smaller “biceps” than Pacey. He disagrees, and then she like, oh yeah? Then how come Jen won’t do you? So he sulks and watches the movie again.

Goofy high school opening accompanied by the appropriate: Stupid by The Chickenpox.

Joey’s doing a presentation and some bag of dicks keeps interrupting, asking stupid questions about concubines “doinking” the shogun.

Now Pacey is telling Jen they used to call Dawson oompa loompa (they may have had a point). Dawson gets his panties in a bunch over the basketball jokes and keeps bugging Jen about it even after Pacey has left.

Then Dawson fixates some more about what Pacey said and tricks him with “Jen already told me.” And all I can focus on is why are those lockers so filthy? It looks like when an alien explodes on Doctor Who.

over his right shoulder

over his right shoulder

Jen’s class is discussing euthanasia, and (shocker) Jen’s view goes against the teacher’s (and God’s) opinion, and this is not permitted, especially when she’s in a classroom with an American flag over his shoulder. She says life’s a bitch. Teach: This is not Times Square. She gets detention. Do we all see where this is going yet?

Dick bag cuts in front of Joey and he sexually harasses her (all in good fun). She knees him in the junk and smashes her tray on his face in retaliation and whaaat…? Joey Potter is detention bound too. Dick bag is free to go reoffend.

the jacket helps us identify him as a dick

the jacket helps us identify him as a dick

Pacey challenges Dawson to a one-on-one so he can impress the cheerleaders. Dawson’s mad Pacey is winning, and prances off, Pacey calls him Oompa Loompa so then he whips the ball at Pacey’s face and Pacey bleeds all over helpful cheerleaders. Dawson has detention.

DETENTION

DETENTION

Cue Saturday by Colony. Dawson and Jen are walking down the hall to detention. Dawson cries that neither deserve to be here, and Jen is all bitch please, I was engaging in intellectual debate, but you broke your best friend’s nose.

you trippin?

you trippin?

A very banged up Pacey is sitting at the detention table. Dawson: How’s your nose? 
Pacey: Broken, thanks. Pacey won’t say why he is in detention.

Takes a lickn', and keeps on tickin'

Takes a lickn’, and keeps on tickin’

Enter Abby Morgan (A girl “from hell”), who sees the gang and says, “Oh great, it’s Howdy Doody time” I feel you, Abby. Also—Dawson might look more like Howdy Doody than Oompa Loompa. Librarian tells Abby to shut up, and tells the group to prepare for penance.

Image

…Dawson…is that you?

Joey shows up….dressed as Charlie Brown.

Good grief

Good grief

Abby offers up some gum and the punch line is yeah right. Then she asks Pacey if he got into a car accident while picking his nose, and other irritating one liners that I think are supposed to be funny.

Abby tries to figure out why everyone is there and calls them all violent offenders. She won’t tell why she’s there and then says it was a drug-fuelled orgy.

It’s 10 a.m. when Dawson admits this is all a not-at-all-veiled reference to Breakfast Club. Jen says the movie stunk and what happened to those actors. Dawson (in a chilling foreshadowing for most actors on screen currently) says they mostly faded into obscurity.

The original

The original

What we get stuck with

What we get

Pacey delivers the line: No way! Emilio Estevez, he was in those Duck movies, remember? God, those were classics. So funny! What? And as far as I’m concerned, this show can pack up and go home, because it will never be funnier than this moment.

PACEY YOU ARE SO META

PACEY YOU ARE SO META

Abby demands a bathroom break. Then at 11 declares “I’m so bored.” That makes two of us, Abby, that makes two of us. Abby wants to play games, Pacey suggests pin the tail on the ho-bag (HOW did I convince my mother to let me watch this show? We weren’t allowed to watch the Simpsons, but this made it through the censors?).

Abby convinces them to play truth or dare. Pacey won’t answer why he is in detention as truth, so instead he frenches his best friend’s girlfriend. Joey is obviously thrilled, then she won’t say who she likes, and instead must make out with Dawson. This shit would not have flown in my friend group without, like, bloodsport resulting, but I guess maybe we were square.

Joey is busy picturing her future Dawson babies. Abby breaks in with Earth to dimwit, and Joey demands to know if Jen is attracted to Dawson. Jen loses her temper and says “Maybe if you quit dwelling on me and Dawson you would have a boyfriend of your own.” Abby calls someone a lesbian–prolly Joey, but I blanked out a bit.

Dawson dares everyone to follow him for a jail break. Jen decides the group should play guess my butt.

But….why?

But… why?

Dawson and Pacey squabble over Dawson being jealous and Dawson tells him he isn’t good at anything. So they have a basketball off. If Dawson wins, Pacey has to say why he is in detention.

Jen wonders why the guys need to compete over everything, and Abby points out that she is a hypocrite. And when Joey insults Jen again and Jen’s like “Get fucked, what did I ever do to you? I’m not trying to get you to like me anymore,” Abby states the obvious that Joey is in love with Dawson. Jen makes a face like she didn’t put it together until now. Joey gets pissed off that Jen is so nice, and Jen apologizes and promises to act more like a wench.

Abby notices the time, and during the distraction Dawson gets a second cheap shot in.

Very Breakfast Club-like running montage.

WHY couldn't they do the groovy dance thing instead??

WHY couldn’t they do the groovy dance thing instead??

BUSTED

She's not amused

She’s not amused

Abby says they were hungry. Librarian dumps all the cards on the floor (that’s how you used to have to find a book in the library). Says if they don’t get them sorted by 5 they all have detention again. Abby won’t help because she has “carpel tunnel syndrome”.

Librarian busts Abby for being in there for excessive tardies. Pacey and Dawson squabble some more. Dawson says Pacey would do anything for sex. Dawson cries about how much he hates being called an Oompa Loompa. Pacey is touched, which leads him to confess why he was in detention… because coach busted him whacking off in the mens.

Blah blah blah Dawson is sorry—it’s all Jen’s fault for not screwing him and thereby screwing his confidence. Jen says she wants him, and bawls about how everyone hates her because she’s from NY. Says she wants him badly. Dawson says he thinks about fucking Jen 1,000 times a day and Joey looks like she’s gonna vomit. Dawson apologizes to Pacey, Pacey apologizes to Dawson and why the hell is this all still going on? Joey pipes in and bitches about the sex obsession. PAINFUL confession where Joey bawls for realsies and says she has found the right person and I think I want to cry and vomit now too.

Librarian: detention is over.

Everyone just sits there looking as gobsmacked as I feel.

Most verbose Articulation goes to Dawson for: Well, Anthony Michael Hall developed some weird thyroid condition, Molly Ringwald lost her gawky ingenue appeal and the rest are languishing somewhere in TV hell.

Runner up: No runner up…this episode was mostly a string of one-liners. ZING!