Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 13 – Something Wilder

Jen is leading Dawson through Gram’s house and she’s covering his eyes and walking behind him, which beats him wearing a blindfold because this way she can push him right into a doorframe.

She sits Dawson down and is like, “Surprise!” and because she doesn’t get how surprises work, there’s nothing in front of him. She hands out back to school items befitting an elementary school student: binder paper, pencils, sharpener, eraser and… an ET Trapper Keeper. I’ll remind you all the year is 2002. Laptops have become affordable and ET is 20 years old. Where in the hell did she even locate an ET Trapper Keeper? That looks like someone glued a picture of ET on a binder.

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The props department have really outdone themselves this time.

Jen is all condescending and shit about Dawson going to college, and he asks her when her radio show is and she looks at the clock like, oh… yeah, it’s soon! She’s been on the job all of five minutes. Get your act together and go to work.

They make a lunch date and start kissing like they don’t live together and see each other every single day and Jen doesn’t throw out his toothbrushes. As he leaves, she’s all cutsey, “Don’t forget your Trapper Keeper!” Seriously, making him take that shit with him. Then it’s, “Have a nice day, sweetheart!” in the tone of voice I use with my 4-year-old. As he leaves she whisper-giggles “So cute!” to herself. Fucking hell, lady, is infantilizing your boyfriend sexy? Gross.

Skipping Jann Arden. Why oh why can’t I at least have the original theme?

In Joey’s dorm room, Elliott is giving her shit for liking the professor’s trashy book because she finds him attractive and Joey’s rolling her eyes. Elliott asks her out in very awkward fashion. He’s good looking, but he’s got a pretty girl in glasses thing happening where we’re supposed to believe he’s not hot because of his dorky hair or outfit or something.

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I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you date me?

Joey accepts and Audrey walks in on them and makes everyone uncomfortable by demanding to know if everyone is naked while dramatically averting her eyes. She then zeroes in on Elliott and calls him out for using hair products and he promptly leaves ’cause Audrey is a dick and no one likes her. She’s seriously worse than Andie.

She then taunts Joey who threatens to bite her. Joey could say something about not being rude to her guests, but is friendly and leaves. Audrey lays down on Joey’s bed with her shoes on like some sort of animal.

At the frat house, Jen walks in and all we get is a view of her legs as we see boys turn their heads and whistle. Have these gentlemen never seen a woman before or…? Jen asks Jack what their damage is. Jack is like, they’re looking at you. Okay then.

She’s there to deliver mail (There’s certainly a lot of it) and points his attention to a letter from the school that has put him on academic probation. Because she reads his mail. Federal offence! Jack’s all BFD, I failed a few classes. Jen gives him shit but he’s not having it and she leaves.

We get a bunch of flashy shots of the school Dawson’s at, and he shows up wearing one of those sheepskin coats that were so popular back then. When he goes inside, some loud dude calls him out.

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Remember me? (Nope.)

It’s Oliver (apparently) and Dawson doesn’t look jazzed to see him. Oliver starts walking Dawson around talking about people loudly right in front of them and everybody obviously hates this guy. After he insults his third victim, Dawson’s all fuck this, I’ll introduce myself before you ruin my life.

At the radio station, Audrey is calling Jen asking inane questions about boys taking phone numbers and why is a booty call called a booty call? Jen tells her she doesn’t have to use her full name every time she calls. I bet she calls all the time. Pain in the ass.

But Jen doesn’t want to talk about her situation; she tells Audrey instead that she’s “lost the love” and starts talking about negative energy and while doing so is arranging tiny red bears and flowers around her work station like some hippy.

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You used to be cool, man. Where’s the love, man?

At the frat, Jack is looking for teammates for a game, but gets in shit from a senior brother for being on academic probation because freshman failing out makes the frat look bad. Dude suggests Jack study instead of play and Jacks all petulant, “I don’t see you studying!” Counter: “That’s because I’m not on academic probation.” Burn.

The look on Jack’s face, tho.

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Study?! How DARE you!

Legit looks confused here, and mad, like he just found a turd in his shoe: “But why? Who would do this? How could they?! I don’t get it!” Only his confusion is about why he should study and not fail his university classes. We all face our own battles, buddy.

During a film screening (Is this a class?) Oliver plops a screenplay as thick as Gone With The Wind on top of Dawson’s lap and says he wants him to direct it, so why he’s in film school I do not know. Then he compliments the ET Trapper Keeper and who knows if he’s sincere or not because he’s just that kind of guy.

At Joey’s school, Elliott leaps behind her, demanding to know her thoughts about Indian food for their date Friday. Joey thinks he’s weird, probably because he’s acting weird.  The professor shows up and tells them they’re late for his class when he is obviously also late. Elliott flees.

Prof thanks Joey for some work she did and says he’s taking her out Friday. She immediately accepts despite just confirming her date plans with Elliott. If this is written as forgetfulness, I just can’t.

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A jerk, or just bad writing? Could really go either way.

And immediately: she forgot. I’m gonna go back and count the seconds since Elliott brought up the Friday night date and this new Friday night offer.

Literally 50 seconds. The most organized person on the show with the best memory for holding grudges can’t remember this information for less than a minute. Seems legit.

Commercial break

At Grams’ house, Jen is washing the dishes and Dawson is staring at the script and it’s been a week. He’s read it, he likes it, has idea to improve it but doesn’t wanna direct it because it’s not his own work. The fact Oliver is a douche doesn’t seem to come into it. He says he doesn’t want to commit to a film right now, which considering he just started school is maybe wise.

But Jen don’t care none. She thinks he should do it. She leaves because her producer wants to talk to her. Maybe because she’s doing a shitty job. That’s why I’d want to talk to her.

Back at Joey’s dorm, Audrey has brought in Pacey to help with Joey’s two-date problem. So… it’s been a week. Has she been sitting on this problem all this time? And is her most recent ex-boyfriend who she lost her virginity to, and who effectively dumped her via public humiliation at prom really the best person to ask? Like… it happened half a year ago at best. He’d be dead to me.

Anyway, Audrey thinks the group outing with the professor could end up like a date with the two of them wrapped up together “like squid.” This woman is a vulgar mess. That is the nastiest way to describe anything. She says bedding the professor would be just fine. Pacey’s like, oh yeah, I’ve been there! Yes he has. But they think she should go out with Elliott because Joey doesn’t have any friends and doesn’t do anything.

Then Audrey drops a radioactive awkward bomb on the room and suggests Joey’s not ready for a boyfriend, which Elliott has the potential to be. Pacey backs the fuck up and starts jittering around in the background because he’s the elephant-sized ex in the room.

Joey says she is ready to be with someone new and Pacey rushes Audrey out the door.

At the frat, Jack’s arriving with an A grade on his quiz and his frat brother is happy and apologetic for being hard on him about his probation. And Jack’s a dick about it and isn’t quick to accept his apology. But his brother suggests a party and Jack gets this smug look on his face and is happy.

In Dawson’s class, people are looking at the ET Trapper Keeper and he’s like, “It was a gift.” He’s actually using the damn thing. Damn. Oliver approaches Dawson with a preliminary shooting schedule and Dawson says he’s can’t do it; it’s complicated. He does offer a note, though, and now Oliver wants more notes, and wants to do them over lunch. Dawson says he has lunch plans with Jen, but Oliver says “bring your notes,” and Dawson says okay. So, is Jen coming or is he cancelling? The suspense!

At the restaurant where Pacey still works even though he quit, Jen is in the kitchen, eating garnish and lamenting the fact her producer thinks she sucks. Now that she’s happy, she’s lost her edge. Pacey offers such gems as “everybody hates happy people,” and, “I like to get my advice from people more dysfunctional than I am so I can feel better about my life.”

She wants Pacey to make her mad, but she gets a phone call. It’s Dawson. She calls him her little pumpkin. Barf. Also? That’s what I call my son. Chick’s got parent issues. Buying her boyfriend childish school supplies, calling him little pumpkin.

At Joey’s dorm, she picks up the phone and there’s a knock at the door. It’s Elliott, wanting to know if they can meet at 7:00. Joey then starts to break their plans and– wait for it– says she’s coming down with something. And she looks and sounds perfectly fine and will be out in town all night and almost certainly will get busted and this is so cliche I’m fucking dead.

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Are you buying this shit?

Elliott doesn’t at all look like he believes her, but takes the explanation and walks away sadly. Joey lays down and feels bad because she’s a shitty TV trope.

Commercial break

Jen’s reading fashion magazines and porn looking for, I don’t know, something to make her angry or edgy and wouldn’t you know it, she’s not finding inspiration this way. Dawson comes home and she’s frustrated he’s made her so happy that she’s become boring and it’s hurting her show. But she’s wrong there. She’s not boring. She’s unbearable.

Dawson asks if Oliver can come to dinner and Jen is excited he might do the movie, but then confused about why he should join them when Dawson says he’s not doing the movie. In the end, Jen okays it and Oliver pops up like an intrusive ass, all “See? I told you it’d be fine!” And now I doubt that.

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Go to your corner, Oliver.

At the bar, Jack is drinking and his frat brother is being friendly but giving him some ribbing about his probation and that senior brother laying into him. Everyone knows because of course they do and Jack is pissy. He seems intent on getting drunk. Somehow he doesn’t understand he’s caused his own problems.

Outside the restaurant, dinner with the prof has ended early. It started at 6:00. So basically, she could have totally made a movie with Elliott. Prof offers to walk her to the dorms and she links arms with him, and that ain’t cool. On the walk back they’re talking about his work and he’s being falsely modest and she’s kissing his ass.

At dinner with Dawson, Oliver and Jen, the guys are discussing the script and Jen’s trying to get a word in ’cause she read it too and Oliver keeps cutting her off even though he’s the one intruding on their plans. Probably this irritation will make for fine radio in the morning.

Back to Joey and the prof, Joey references his wife as the inspiration for the girl in his book, and he’s like what wife? She tells him she recalls he said he had a wife and kid. He then– and this is something else– reveals he sometimes lies to people and says he has a family to get out of things he doesn’t want to do.

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The fuck you just say?

He calls this form of lying “making up characters”. Yes, just like those guys with girlfriends in Canada. They’re not pretend girlfriends; they’re characters. And Joey doesn’t seem to care as much as a normal person would about this, she wants to talk about this girl in his book. Seriously, Joey? Now she’s probing into personal shit, like did he love her? Why did they break up? This is your professor, lady. Boundaries. He says she was crazy. Beware the man who describes his exes that way. He says he was 21 and crazy was good, but now he wants something else. Joey asks what that is. He says coffee, then asks her for coffee, and this is soooo inappropriate and Joey fucking loves it.

Back to Jen and Dawson, Oliver can’t handle any more criticism and leaves in a huff. And Jen is sitting there gobsmacked.

Now the prof is asking Joey about her dating life. I hate this guy. And she wants to know what the point of dating is if you have to put so much effort into something that may not work out. And I’m thinking she must not enjoy sex, making memories or experiencing periods of joy and contentment because that is the stupidest fucking question ever. I mean, why go to an interview if you can’t guarantee the job? Or write a book if you can’t know it’ll get published? Why even have a pet if you’re going to outlive it?

Joey complains that the right guys never make her stomach go flip flop, and I’m thinking her problem is she equates anxiety with love because who the hell wants a flip flopping stomach all day? Sounds like a question for a therapist, Joey.

The prof asks who makes Joey’s stomach flip flop and she replies, “people who shouldn’t.” And they kiss. Saw that coming. They awkwardly break apart and agree to go separate ways back to their homes. She says goodnight and walks away extremely slowly.

At the bar in Pacey’s restaurant, a frat brother talks to Jack about his probation and Jack is grumpy. He thinks the brothers should not worry about how his grades affect the house. But they care a lot. They tell him not to get emotional and say he’s like a chick. Jack throws a chair and gets in the guy’s face. The brother says Jack was supposed to help clean up their image but is actually a disappointment. Jack socks him in the face.

A fight ensues and Pacey is holding Jack back, and Jack smashes a bunch of glasses and cuts his hand and the brothers leave.

Commercial break

Joey arrives back at the dorm to a gift basket with Vicks products and a homemade card outside her door.

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huh.

Well, I’ve been spelling Elliot’s name all wrong this whole time. But that’s IMDB’s fault. One T it is. She looks like she feels pretty shitty. I can’t stop imagining him getting out some magic markers and spending his Friday night drawing this card. Though the video’s a bit fuzzy. That could be construction paper. In which case she’d have no choice but to dump him because the line between cute and weird is a thin one in this boy’s case.

In Jen’s room, Dawson says he’s sorry for how he handled the night before. He then says he thinks he wants to direct the movie after all because even though Oliver is obnoxious, he has a unique voice, and he feels ready for a new challenge.

But Jen doesn’t want to listen to his life plans. She’s pissed because Dawson cancelled their lunch, invited Oliver to dinner which infringed on their personal time, and then allowed him to talk over her all night. She said a sex scene in his script was gratuitous and Oliver just wants to look at tits in the flesh and he should just go get a lap dance.

Dawson immediately apologizes and Jen realizes her ranting powers are back and forgives him.

At Joey’s dorm, Audrey is doing yoga (I never see her doing anything school-related ever) and Joey tells her she kissed the prof and dumped Elliot by returning his gift basket of remedies. That’s cold. (See what I did there? HUH? Swish.)

Joey says she pulled away from the kiss because she got scared, and then went on this weird thought train about her life following her here and she wants to be someone else and I don’t see what any of this has to do with why kissing your prof is bad pancakes.

Audrey gives her a sort of seize the day pep talk, but it sounds like a sleep with the professor pep talk, so fuck you, Audrey. Like, bonus points for the no judgement but literally encouraging this is ridiculous.

At the radio station, Jen is back to herself, but she’s eating Chinese food while dispensing advice and if I had to listen to chewing sounds over the radio, I’d be turning the station so fucking fast.

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Super professional, Jen. Nosh nosh nosh.

At Pacey’s work, Jack shows up with a cheque for the damages he caused. Pacey tells him he could’ve gotten fired. He then tries to talk to him as a friend, relating to him, wanting to talk about how things have been going, bringing up the deteriorating grades and behaviour. Jack cuts him off, “What do you want from me?!” And Pacey’s like, well, you’re flunking, drinking and fighting with guys who left you bleeding in a bar. Jack says he has to go.

Dawson meets with Oliver and admits he’s excited about the script and they talk and Oliver shows some emotional complexity, which is out of nowhere. Dawson agrees to direct the movie and Oliver says he want to play the lead and who knows how that’ll play out. Probably horribly.

The end.

Hopefully another year won’t pass before I do another one.

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Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 4, Episode 3 – The Two Gentlemen of Capeside

Opening scene is an English class where the teacher is talking about The Two Gentlemen of Verona, thus immediately setting the stage for the theme of this week’s episode. The guy behind Joey plays with her hair (What? Weird) and she threatens him. I remember eventually snarking at some jerk in high school who was snapping my bra strap well after the fact. But she tolerates far less shit than I did.

This guy (Drue Valentine from last episode, rich fella) A. tells her he’s the new guy and she’s not nice and B. says she doesn’t seem popular and is, thus, useless to him. The teacher then calls on Joey to explain the book. Ironically it’s about two guys and the girl who comes between them. The teacher makes a Bad ’90s reference to Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place and no one laughs, including me.

Please quit your day job.

Please quit your day job.

Joey thinks the story of the two guys is too simplistic and that in real life love triangles are more complex. Dawson scoffs and the teacher calls him out on it. Then Joey and Dawson start arguing about their situation– err, the book and the new guy Drue raises his hand. He wants Dawson and Joey to give a prepared debate.

Who the fuck is this guy? Who does that? The teacher loves the idea and sticks Drue with also participating in the debate as well. And I don’t see how a teacher can hand out large public speaking assignments to only a fraction of the class, but this is TV. Anyway, it’s due tomorrow because why not. Always good to see a teacher wing a curriculum unevenly among his students on a whim.

At Jen’s house, she’s running very late for school because she spent the morning being pissed off about Henry, and Grams is giving her shit for wasting her time. She puts a “24-hour cap on melancholy” and sends Jen to school with an umbrella because of the prediction in the Farmer’s Almanac, something she apparently keeps up with.

At school, Jen’s arrived, and Joey and Dawson plan to prepare their debate at the Yacht Club while Joey’s working. How would that not get her fired? Pacey approaches and Dawson hits the dusty trail.

Turns out Pacey has gotten his first A, and he credits Joey. Didn’t his time with Andie garner him some sort of A ever? No? Huh.

He wants her to go sailing with him tonight since it’s the last good day of the season, unless that Almanac is to be believed, of course. Jen? Any thoughts on the weather? Nope. In fact, when Joey says she can’t go, Jen offers to go instead. Grams and her umbrellas be damned.

At Andie’s house, she’s asking for hair advice from Jack for a college interview at the Yacht Club. But Jack’s not that kind of gay guy and he gives no shits about his sister’s hair. They talk about Andie’s new meds for a bit because she feels dizzy. Ooh, foreshadowing.

At Dawson’s house, his parents are sick. He tells them if they’d stop screwing each other they’d stop passing their germs back and forth. That ain’t how viruses work, young grasshopper.

They talk about Dawson’s project with Joey and they’re worried about him. He’s annoyed that they’re worried. Before he leaves there’s hints of bad weather afoot. Dun dun dun!

And there’s Jen and Pacey out on the water. Well, that’s going to be a problem. Pacey’s worried that Joey’s spending time with her ex-soul mate and Jen’s like, meh, I think all teenage relationships are doomed right now, so sorry.

Then the boat does this and no one freaks out.

I want out.

I want out.

Jen asks Pacey if he checked the weather. Lady, do you listen to nothing Grams says ever? Pacey said he did and the storm is going to pass them. I’ve got 5 bucks on the Farmer’s Almanac.

At the Yacht Club, Drue takes a call on his cell phone and the looks on Joey and Dawson’s faces literally makes me burst out laughing. Yes, kids, at the turn of the millennium, this would have been the height of rudeness. Ah, life has changed.

Ahead of his time.

Ahead of his time.

Dawson: “Unbelievable.”
Joey: “Unacceptable!”

Joey physically takes the phone out of his hands mid-call. She tells the woman on the other end Drue will get back to her when his syphilis clears up and hangs up the phone. Wow.

Drue looks mildly annoyed and says “That was rude.” Joey counters it’s ruder to take a call on a cell phone. Joey would be about 33 years old now. I wonder if today’s cell phone etiquette would have her gasping for her smelling salts. Though, in all seriousness, I do kinda miss the days life wasn’t interrupted by calls and texts while out. Ah, nostalgia.

Drue talks about Joey and Dawson’s sexual tension and says Dawson is like Luke, which is not what the Princess wants, which is bad boy Han. Um, Luke was her brother. No one corrects him, but Joey does call him Jabba the Hut. Drue gets up and leaves and an old grumpy guy walks in wanting some dinner.

Grumpy Gus talks about a storm that’s coming, which worries Joey because Pacey took Jen out on the boat. She asks Drue if he’s heard anything about a storm and he says no. He takes another call on his cell while watching Baywatch and misses the weather warning displaying at the bottom of the screen.

At Andie’s interview, the rain has started. She and Drue’s mom, Mrs. Valentine, are going over her accomplishments at school and they get to Andie’s medical leave of absence and the posh Mrs. V gets all soft spoken when she learns about her about mental illness.

Dawson and Joey talk about the book, and then about themselves and Pacey. Dawson says he doesn’t want to be friends with Pacey again because Pacey wasn’t even sorry, whereas Joey was.

The storm, however, is freaking Joey out and she rushes to the TV to check the weather report, which says this is the biggest storm in 30 years. Of course, we break records like this all the time these days what with climate change and all. And considering they just had a hurricane in season one, I’d say this is actually pretty true to life.

Out at sea, Jen and Pacey are fighting the storm. They’re arguing about getting the weather report, and then a wave splashes them and the radio sparks and goes on the fritz. Did no one think to instal a water-resistant radio on this sailboat?

At Andie’s interview, she’s saying her greatest strength and weakness is her tenacity. Mrs. Valentine asks if her weakness is not her mental illness. These days, I think Andie would have a law suit on her hands for that one.

Then she’s like, you’re probably too mental for the ivy leagues, have you thought about state school? Andie stands up for herself and then we hear the storm worsen. This lady, though, is done. She wishes Andie all the best and pretty much shuts down the interview.

Joey tells Dawson Jen and Pacey are out on the boat and he’s appropriately concerned. Jack bursts in soaking wet looking for Andie, who is bummed about her shit interview. A man named Bruce comes in to let Mrs. Valentine know three boats are out and need assistance.

Joey asks about True Love and Bruce is like nope. Joey insists to him that it’s out at sea and a window smashes from the hurricane.

Out on the boat, Jen’s starting to lose it and Pacey’s promising her the boat won’t capsize. He tells her he’s taking them to a small cove for protection. As Jen takes Pacey to task, “Who will know where we are? How will anyone find us?” Pacey says that Dawson will know.

And in the very next scene he does, and points out the island where he think Pacey will go. Bruce says that island is no damn good, and he’ll send out someone to look for True Love once the other boats are in.

Dawson then says he’s going to go get them. Drue then offers up a boat they can use. And this sounds like a royally shit idea with an act of altruism that came outta nowhere. Unless this guy just likes some drama and doesn’t care about sending some classmates out to their possible deaths.

Just a light sprinkling

Just a light sprinkling

Meanwhile, Pacey and Jen are making their way to this cove. Pacey has about a summer’s worth of sailing experience to his credit and I suppose we’re supposed to believe that gives him enough expertise to handle this situation.

Dawson and Joey hop on a boat and set off, amid Dawson’s arguments that he wants to go alone. Alone, together, whatever, it’s still reckless. God, I’m old.

While everyone’s scrambling in the Yacht Club, Mrs. V is asking where Joey is to sweep up glass and Drue sells them out and says they took the grumpy old man’s boat out to find their friends. That’s more like it.

Andie starts taking charge of the situation and tells Jack to move the tables to brace against the storm. Mrs. V is like, you can’t just move the tables! (Why not?) Andie’s like, you have better ideas? No? Then shush! She tells Mrs. V to call Jen and Dawson’s families (Not Pacey’s you’ll notice, but they don’t give a shit about him anyway. Why Bess doesn’t get a call, who knows. Maybe they couldn’t get the actress this episode or didn’t want to pay her.) She gets Grumpy Gus to help her radio Joey and Dawson and tells Drue to sweep. He doesn’t want to, but Andie makes him with her highly effective nagging.

On the boat, Pacey is trying to keep things light while Jen slowly descends into a freakout. Instead of offering helpful suggestions for survival, Jen wants to make confessions, which people typically only do if they think they’re going to die. Jen’s not good for morale. Pacey’s not into the idea since he plans to live.

Jen then wants to talk regrets, and Pacey says he has none. Jen says she regrets never having fallen in love.

Pacey takes a moment and beck-peddles, saying he regrets the way things are with him and Dawson. Jen thinks he should tell him, just to say it.

Andie’s radioing Joey and Pacey and Dawson seems to have a lot of knowledge about sailing and coordinates. But the radio loses frequency and that’s that. But look, they found the True Love somehow and they tie the boats together.

Jen hops onto the stolen boat and when Pacey refuses to leave his boat/home, Dawson jumps on the True Love. All this hopping boats during a hurricane. Unwise. Dawson’s yelling at him, but it’s Joey calling for him that convinces him to make the leap, just in time to avoid a timely wave.

Or a hose from the crew.

Or a hose from the crew.

They make it back to shore, the True Love abandoned at sea, and families are there to hug the kids.

The grumpy old man is there too and gives Dawson shit about the gash now in his boat. Dawson offers to fix it with his savings for college. Grams butts in and threatens the old man with an ass-kicking if she finds out Dawson pays for the repairs after being so heroic.

I kinda see the old guy’s point, though. I mean, no foul taking the boat for a good cause, but why should he have to pay for the gash himself?

As Andie and Jack are leaving, Mrs. V has changed her tune about Andie. Jack, though, threatens to tell the university what a cunt she is. Andie tells her to shove it. Admittedly, Mrs. Valentine is the worst, but is burning this bridge really a good idea? Maybe I’m just a little jaded from the post-’90s economy. Good luck, Andie.

Joey and Pacey are talking, and Joey wants to talk about how scared she was, but has no patience for Pacey grieving the loss of his boat. Joey gets her way and they embrace. Then they talk about Dawson and the damaged friendship.

Dawson is watching from a distance and his dad comes up and is like, no fair, eh? You save the day and still don’t get the girl. Well, maybe that’s because life doesn’t really work that way? Mitch sounds like he’s trying to infect his son with a case of Nice Guy Syndrome. But then he tells him he’ll always look back on this and remember he did a great thing.

Grams and Jen are walking outside and Grams can’t find her keys and is shaky over her scare. Jen gives her a pep talk about how out at sea she still had hope. Which, you know, I really don’t think she did. But it’s making Grams feel better, so what’s a white lie?

Don't scare old people.

Don’t scare old people.

Grams works in the opportunity to push some church on Jen, but no dice.

Jen retrieves Grams’ keys from the Yacht Club and runs into Drue, and turns out they know each other. And haven’t run into one another in the halls at high school? Really? Looks like Jen’s got herself a nemesis of sorts.

A lot of people from Jen’s past certainly seem to find their way to this town.

Next day, Pacey goes to Dawson’s house to thank him, which Dawson accepts. Then he apologizes, which is what Dawson told Joey made a difference in his continued albeit stilted friendship with her.

And actually, Dawson sort of accepts the apology without rekindling the friendship, so that’s probably the best outcome Pacey could have hoped for.

MVA: Jen’s bad idea: “We should be doing that confession thing, you know, like they do in movies where the plane’s about to hit down or the meteor’s going to crash into North America and all the characters confess the secrets that have been plaguing their mortal souls.”

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 4, Episode 1 – Coming Home

Opening shot, Joey and Pacey are actually on this sailing trip over the summer. Joey’s sick of eating fish. And she’s surprised Capeside on the horizon doesn’t look any different than it did when they left– three months ago. Pacey alludes to them taking odd jobs all summer. Uh…? So two minors sailed off and no one said boo and strangers hired them for short-term shit in random towns off the coast? Whatever, man.

Typical teenage boat life

Typical teenage boat life

Pacey then suggests just not going home. Who needs a high school education when you can brave life on a boat and eat fish? They then jump off the boat fully clothed.

CREDITS

At the beach, Jen and Andie are talking Survivor with Jack and Dawson takes their picture with an actual film camera as people were wont to do back in the day. Jack and Dawson have been painting houses this summer and run off to buy supplies. Andie spots two guys she thinks are cute and Jen mocks her and says she’s too chicken shit to talk to them.

Pacey and Joey dock and talk about what to tell people if they’re asked if they had sex on the boat. These are 17-year-olds who are in love and lived together on a boat for three months. Sex is not assumed?

They then talk big about needing space, but then make out so, no, not really.

At the hardware store, Dawson has a run-in with some shapely girl he seems to know. She’s taking a break from college and that’s about all we know. Jack wants to know who she is, Dawson doesn’t say and Jack says he’ll keep bugging him.

At the Potter house– hey, aren’t these assholes supposed to be “the poor family?” Look at that fucking adorable house on the water.

This is where poor people live.

This is poverty, people.

Bess wants to know if Pacey and Joey knocked boots. Joey’s not giving up the answer, though I’m starting to think she didn’t give up the goods. Christ, if you’re not going to have sex on a wild summer adventure with the man you love, then when?

Also, turns out Bess rented out Joey’s room for the summer, and she seems shocked. Well, that’s what happens when you abandon the family business to go fuck off (or not fuck off) at sea.

Also, the B&B under Bess’ management is wildly successful. Probably the loss of Joey’s scowling face did the place a world of good.

Back at the beach, Andie’s talking to those guys and turns out they’re French, barely speak English and want a tour of Capeside. Andie’s in a bikini and while she’s in great shape, there’s something about her that looks decidedly… not young. I dunno, gravity seems to be at play here. I’m gonna look up how old she was when this was made.

Holy shit, she was 30, which makes her roughly the same age as Bess. Wait, have I talked about this before? Oh, who knows.

At Doug Whitter’s house, Pacey’s being kicked out because their sister Gretchen is moving in. Yes, Pacey has an older sister they’ve never mentioned before now, and it’s the girl from the hardware store. And that actress is also younger than Andie.

Joey arrives at Dawson’s house. I should mention she’s wearing one of those tops so popular around the millennium, the patch of fabic held together in the back with strings? She lets herself into the Leery house like she always does, only she uses the front door for once.

She walks through the house calling everyone’s name when etiquette would suggest just ringing the doorbell and going home. She goes into Dawson’s room and sees a complete redecoration, including many framed photos that he took of his friends this summer. So Capeside is still the same, but Dawson isn’t. During this B&E session there’s some very emotive music playing.

At the house they’re painting, Dawson is telling Jack about his first crush, Gretchen, and how he used to leave tokens of his love on her porch and how it turned out to be the family joke.

At Doug’s place he’s telling Pacey that Gretchen has nowhere else to go, but that he can go live on his boat. I’m going to unequivocally say that booting out a high school student to live on his own on a boat is an epic family fail. (Uh, and when winter hits?) They also suggest their alcoholic abusive father where they may be a couch available. What is wrong with these people? Well, it’s making a lot of sense why at least he was able to sail off this summer without anyone saying shit. These are terrible older siblings.

They suggest the Potter B&B and Pacey says he won’t impose on that family and Gretchen says, yeah, why impose on them when you have your own family to impose on? I literally don’t get this. He’s a minor! He’s in high school! He’s allowed to expect a place to live provided for him by his family. Shit, these two are assholes. And Doug is making this smirk. WTF?

At Jen’s house, she’s saying Henry now lives in a boarding school and Grams disapproves of long distance because youth is about living the here and now. Rock on, Grams. And without saying a word about fornication, she welcomes Joey back and leaves.

Jen wants to know if Joey had some sex and Joey gets sarcastic and Jen drops it. I don’t get the secrecy. This was the sort of thing I told my friends about. Teenagers are chatty that way. Joey wants to know if everyone is ok, and Jen assures her everyone is fine. Then Jen tells Joey they all have plans tonight and she needs to come.

Meanwhile, Andie is giving an incredibly boring tour to those poor French guys.

Blah blah blah!

Blah blah blah!

They say some stereotypical French things and Andie is all wooed.

In a dark room– wow, I guess Dawson’s now really into photography now– he’s ill at ease about Joey’s return. Jen tells him to pull up his socks and face the music. He says Jen is responsible for the best summer of his life.

Oh, and there’s the Leerys getting it on in the living room– whoa, the dark room is in their house. Dawson has a dark room in his home. This kid has complete creative licence to do what he wants in life.

At the Potter B&B, Joey is shucking corn into the creek and Pacey stops by and asks to crash on the couch, to which Joey says no because she has to crash on the couch until Tuesday. Pacey says he doesn’t think the town missed them that much. Joey invites him to come along to the Dive-In, and says it’s important to “square things away” with Dawson.

Turns out the Dive-In is like a drive-in only with boats and stuff at the beach.

Andie is still boringly picking up those French guys who can’t tell how annoying she is.

Dawson sees Pacey has come too.

“I thought you said he wasn’t going to be here, Jen.”
“He wasn’t, Dawson.”
“Then why is he here, Jen?”
“Good question, Dawson.”

Pacey goes to get some drinks to calm the situation down, while Dawson effectively flees. Jack and Jen then try to make everyone behave themselves.

Pacey meets up with his sister and they have a chat. She saw the Pacey/Joey paring coming, although how when she’s been gone for his whole high school life, I’m not sure.

Joey wants to make small talk with Jack till Dawson comes over to talk to her.

Subtle!

Subtle!

Jen eventually talks Dawson into having that first chit chat. And they have some light airy talk. Pacey watches from afar. More airy talk. Dawson leaves and needs to take a minute to recover.

Andie finds out her preferred French boy has a girlfriend, and the one who doesn’t speak any English in fact speaks perfect English and has understood everything she’s said all day.

Pacey is saying they need to go, and Joey’s like, no, what if I’m having fun? (She’s totally not having fun). And they bicker and Joey launches a ton of names at him like asinine and childish and immature. She then tells him he didn’t have to come, ignoring the fact he just got booted out of his home and save his boat is technically homeless. But then Joey’s never been known for being supportive to her boyfriends.

They argue some more about Dawson and Joey’s commitment, I think, and Pacey storms off.

Back to Andie and the English-speaker wants to kiss her. I don’t understand her appeal. Andie is awful.

Dawson gives Joey a ride home and drops her off at her place. They talk a bit about his photography and she apologizes for running off with Pacey. She says Dawson’s the only one who hasn’t asked if she had sex, and Dawson’s like, well, the answer could kill me.

She then offers him the gift of a brick from Ernest Hemmingway’s house. Can you buy those? Did she steal it? WTF? She then gives a pretentious explanation of what the brick means. Whatever, Joe, sometimes a brick is just a brick.

He tells her it’s going to take more than symbolic masonry to repair their friendship, and Joey looks bummed she can’t just smooth things out with weird presents.

Before she goes in the house she basically tells Dawson she didn’t sleep with Pacey. Lame. Also, now he’s going to want reassurances down the road that this abstinence is ongoing. Throwing the guy a bone is almost meaner somehow.

She then goes to meet Pacey and gives a convoluted apology for being emotionally distant.

After they make up she asks to do “that thing we do once in awhile.” Sounds sexy!

Turns out it’s reading A Little Mermaid on the boat in hammocks.

Pfft.

Chastity on the open seas.

Chastity on the open seas.

Also, the interior of that boat looks way bigger than it ought to be.

MVA: Pacey. “Was that a note of disgust I detect of our sustenance off the ocean-born?”

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 3, Episode 22 – The Anti-Prom

Opening scene, Joey and Dawson are walking home together and Joey’s complaining about finals. Both are acting all normal-like, as though they both don’t know Joey wants in Pacey’s pants.

Dawson reminds her of a pact they made to go to junior prom. I don’t really know what a junior prom is. My school had a formal and a semi-formal. Those were all the special dances to be had at my school. You went to formal if you graduated. You went to semi-formal grade 11 and up. What is this junior prom? Americans and their complicated dance seasons. No high school on TV seems immune from these things.

Joey doesn’t really want to go, but bows to the pressure from Dawson, who promises things like friendship and moving forward.

Screen Shot 2015-02-23 at 10.36.27 PM

I don’t really wanna…

Screen Shot 2015-02-23 at 10.40.23 PM

But you’re gonna anyway because guilt!

She says he’s not allowed to buy her a corsage or wear a ruffly tuxedo shirt. This not being 1976, I don’t know how much threat there was of that last one anyway. But they’re interrupted by Gail and Mitch’s out-of-the-blue makeout session spilling into the outdoors.

Credits.

Back to the Leery house, Joey makes a quick exit and Gail leaves to go to the restaurant. Mitch wants to talk to Dawson about what he just saw and Dawson’s like, meh, your relationship’s been screwing me up for years, so now I’m numb and don’t care. Mitch does make sure to let his son know that so far it’s nothing serious between he and Gail. Thanks, Pops.

At Pacey’s, Andie is there studying and gets the feeling Pacey would rather her go, even if he’s not telling her to. He admits he’s feeling sad, and Andie says he should go to prom. And then not so casually suggests he could go with her. Because when your best friend hates you and the girl you’re in love with has abandoned you, the prom with your ex-girlfriend is the answer! Of course!

Pacey asks if she doesn’t have a date and she says she’s “sifting through offers.” Pfft. No one that annoying could possibly have more than one asshole interested enough to go. Pacey tells her it’d be better to pick one of those other guys instead of him.

Joey’s complaining to Bess about the romantic complications of going to prom with Dawson, and Bess is like, D’uh. Joey tells her sister that she’s been giving shit advice lately, and Bess tells her to first stop giving her shit problems.

At lunch in school, Andie’s whining that Pacey didn’t ask her to prom and that she’ll have to go alone, which is terribly humiliating. Ah, made-up suitors. Was there any doubt? Jack’s like, well, better go alone than with the ex you’re not over.

But ex-boyfriends are so safe!

But ex-boyfriends are so safe!

But Jack’s got bigger problems than his sister’s drama. He’s bringing Ethan to the prom “as a friend” and the theme of the prom is “couples” so you have to alert the prom people to whom you’re bringing, or something. Jack’s not so keen on formally announcing he’s bringing a dude. And since this can still cause a ruckus in plenty of schools today, 15 years ago I’d say that is no small matter.

But Andie, being a self-absorbed twat, is like, yeah? So? Why do you care what people think? Because the difficulties being an out teen is just about caring “what other people think” whereas Pacey not wanting to ask her to prom and going alone is the deepest of humiliations.

Outside, Jen is complaining about the cliche that is prom, which really is the biggest cliche of them all. After her rant is over, Henry calls her on never having been.

But I'm so edgy!

But I’m so edgy!

And then he’s like, you asking me to go? And she’s like yeah. Jesus, don’t go into sales, Jen. Terrible pitch. He says he’d love to, only proving the power of his libido and not of Jen’s smooth moves.

In the lunch room, Jack’s attempting to buy tickets from a girl on the wrong side of history named Barbara, who informs him the definition of a couple is a boy and a girl and that him bringing a boy will cause a spectacle and ruin everyone’s fun. Because the death of any amazing party is always caused by attractive gay men.

Jack manages to keep his cool while Barbara goes on a pearl-clutching tirade about two men dancing or having their photo taken together. She says she’ll check with the head of the prom committee first before selling him his tickets.

Dawson goes to buy his tickets and Barbara makes him state his own name, even though she knows it. She finds out he’s taking Joey and goes, “Aw, happy couple back together?” Pacey is sitting nearby and he and Dawson exchange a look.

Outside, Andie and Joey are discussing ways to get Barbara in trouble and get Jack to prom, but he doesn’t want to go anymore. He wants to have fun, not be a political stance. Andie’s like, too bad, you’re a political stance. Fight!

But Jack’s not up to it and then the girls say they’re not going, Joey taking an easy out of this prom with Dawson thing. Dawson gets a brief panicked look on his face before saying they’ll throw an “anti-prom”. I think this plot line is on every teen show at some point.

Dawson suggests the anti-prom to his parents, figuring it could be at the restaurant. He says the ticket sales would offset the costs. Not in the real world they wouldn’t, but this is TV world where Pacey can suddenly fix wedding cakes and after-parties for school plays are well-funded by mysterious sources.

They agree to this idea, and then mosey about the kitchen of the restaurant while chefs behind them work very slowly. Mitch wants to talk about their relationship, Gail doesn’t.

At school, both prom tickets are being sold side by side, despite one not being a school-sanctioned event. And Dawson’s prom banner reads– I kid you not– “Subvert the dominant paradigm!” Well now, doesn’t that sound like fun?

Stick it to the man! Half price!

Stick it to the man! Half price!

Some punky looking kids are buying tickets to the alternative prom and Barbara calls them the dregs of society. Andie and Jack tell her she’s narrow-minded and her outfit sucks. Barbara says at least she’s not going to Hell. Andie, in her first moment of likeability makes an ooooh face and does jazz hands.

Hell schmell!

Hell schmell!

At Jen’s house, Grams is fitting Henry with appears to be her dead husband’s old suit. When she hears her tea kettle, she leaves the room and Jen wants to talk to Henry about prom sex. Henry’s eye light up. Ooh, sex! But Jen wants to choose not to do it. Henry’s like, yeah, fine, cool. Even though a few episodes ago he was Horny Henry.

But then he’s like, uh, we are going to do it eventually, though, right? And Jen doesn’t answer him, but gives him a kiss. That kinda sounds like a no there, buddy.

Pacey stops by Andie’s place and finds out she’s going to alternative prom alone. And with some debonair resignation, he asks her to go with him and she accepts.

Prom night comes, Dawson picks up Joey and presents with her his mom’s diamond earrings on loan in lieu of a corsage. Maybe I’m a curmudgeon but all I can think of is if they were cleaned first. Joey’s less germ-conscious than I am, or more confidant of Leery hygiene practices, and puts on the earrings.

Film!

Film!

Bess takes their picture and I’m briefly nostalgic for the time you had to wait to see what a picture would look like till after it was developed and then ask your friends for one of their doubles.

But then I realized this supposed snap shot makes no sense because they’re not looking into the lens.

At the alternative prom, Gail notes the crowd is “interesting” and Mitch asks her to lock the cash register. Ah, small town people.

Jack and Ethan are sitting at a table and Jack is sulking about something and doing a poor job of showing his date a good time. Everyone shows up, and Andie looks like Tilda Swinton. Dawson and Joey immediately get up to go dance, and Joey and Pacey make sad eyes at each other across the room.

Lavender eyeliner is not a good look.

Lavender eyeliner is not a good look.

Jen and Henry dance and have a stilted awkward conversation about sex.

Jack and Ethan talk and Jack learns Ethan never went to prom with a boyfriend or did anything like this when he was younger. Jack is pissed because he feels tricked into making a stand when he didn’t feel ready.

Henry reveals to Jen he’s going to an 8-week football camp in Cleveland for the summer. Dude, how much would that cost? God, I feel so old because that’s the first thing I thought. Jen’s mad and is like, forget about us having sex tonight! And Henry’s like, I thought we weren’t having any? Jen’s like, that’s just what you say! Of course there was a chance; this is our prom! Henry’s like, oh, nuts.

Joey picks a fight with Dawson about him parading her around in front of Pacey and giving him looks. Dawson’s mad Pacey is there in the first place, but he simmers things down so as not to upset Joey, however, she wants out of there and leaves the dance floor.

She runs into Jack, who’s feeling crummy about how he treated Ethan. Joey’s bummed she’s in the middle and no one’s friends right now.

Mitch and Gail are dancing and talking about their relationship and Mitch gets terse and wants Gail to say what she wants out it. Then he leaves her on the dance floor.

What the fuck is wrong with these people? Dropping these verbal bombs and abandoning their dates, sometimes mid-dance? Real people don’t pull that shit. No one leaves that juicy of a conversation hanging in the air like that, especially not teenagers and emotionally stunted adults.

Joey finds Pacey and asks him to dance. Oh, this will go well. Andie’s already spotted them and looks sad.

Pacey trashes Gail’s diamond earrings and praises the bracelet Joey has on instead, which was her mother’s. Ooh, such obvious subtext.

Now Dawson sees them in this intimate dance embrace, and there’s sad Andie again. Jesus, that makeup is shit. Let’s look at it again.

Like a pastel clown.

Like a pastel clown.

Joey looks up and sees Dawson, who can’t take the imagery anymore and runs out. Joey chases after him.

And while she’s saying it shouldn’t matter who she dances with if they’re there as friends, Dawson’s like, hell no, this isn’t about friendship, obviously I wanted more! And then it’s laid out, she’s going to have to pick. He kisses her and… walks away.

Okay, seriously? No one would do that.

It’s like the writers don’t know how to realistically conclude a fucking conversation.

At Jen’s house, Jen breaks up with Henry. Well, there was a relationship that never had a chance anyway,

Jack catches up with Ethan at the train station, still in tuxes. Did Ethan just leave after that argument? Jack wants to know what the status of their association with each other is. Ethan asks Jack to kiss him if he’s ready. He says, “No cameras, no television network to cut to commercial.” Was that a dig at censors or the network? Well, regardless, the show didn’t go for a gay kiss and Ethan walks away while Jack looks sad.

Pacey is apologizing to Andie for taking her to prom without really wanting to take her. Andie’s not mad just bummed out. Pacey reveals his plan for the summer is to sail his boat to Key West. He’s, like, 16. I think if I had told my family I’d be doing something like that for the summer when I was that age, they’d have laughed in my face.

Andie implores Pacey not to leave without telling Joey first. Andie’s done a turnaround this episode. Too bad she looks like ass.

Joey returns the earrings to Dawson and says she can’t choose. Dawson’s like, okay, I’ll wait. Well, that was easy. They watch Gail run into the house. And Gail and Mitch patch things up and they’re back together.

MVA: Jen’s rant about prom: “Is there a more ridiculous and embarrassing ritual than the prom? The way that it totally reenforces traditional gender roles, rewards the cool kids, punishes the geeks. I mean, the pressure that this one single night exerts on the common teenager to make hollow awkward romantic gestures like pinning a cheap corsage on taffeta, having drunken sex with some guy whose name you won’t even remember and then puking in the back of some cheesy-ass rented limo. I mean, it’s all just so overwhelming.”

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 3, Episode 20 – The Longest Day

Opening scene has Joey narrating, “Have you ever had one of those days you wish you could live all over again?”

And now we know this is going to be a Special Episode.

Everyone is at the marina to christen Pacey’s boat, which he has somehow managed to get in shipshape in a very short period of time. Seriously, it was a piece of crap 16 episodes ago. He had school and a crummy minimum wage job eating up most of his time, plus all the shenanigans. Where did he get the time and money to manage this?

But no matter that. Dawson has shown up with his dad and the champagne, and Pacey and Joey are making out in a boat house. And between going at it, they’re talking about Dawson, and Pacey says he’ll be the one to break his heart into a thousand pieces. He agrees to do it in one day. THE LONGEST DAY. Joey has said in the past that she loved Dawson so much but couldn’t be with him because reasons and “it’s complicated” and now she’s moved on to Pacey after a few others haven’t worked out. But this time it’s real and worth hurting the poor bastard she’d pined after all her life.

Cue the credits, while I ponder the fickle nature that is Joey’s heart.

At the marina, Buzz is there, being a lame wiener kid, and Doug pops by to tell Pacey that Buzz’s mom (Who’s already an hour late) can’t pick him up until the rest of the day is over. Uh. Does anyone on earth have a babysitter they can pull that shit with? I’m unclear how Pacey got roped into this manny situation.

Pacey literally passes him off to Doug and says, nope, I got things to do!

Screen Shot 2015-02-09 at 1.38.29 PM

Buzz the buzzkill

At Jen’s house, Grams is leaving her “unchaperoned” and is worried about Henry’s sexual magnetism. Jen assures Grams she can handle it, which probably means, like, literally physically handle it. Hey-o!

She then finds Pacey standing outside the Leery house. He is working up the nerve to tell Dawson about Joey, and Jen is compassionately talking him through it. She’s a bigger person than me, seeing as she was more or less rejected by both these guys who are gaga over Joey.

Mitch comes out and tells them that Dawson’s over at the library.

So off Pacey goes, where he runs into a happy Andie, who says “free books make me giddy.” Then that Will guy from last episode comes by, Pacey says hi, and turns out he’s going out with Andie that night. I’d just like to point out that with real teenagers, this would be a way more dramatic and awkward situation.

Andie says she hasn’t seen Dawson, so Pacey leaves to go pick up Buzz. Buzz, meanwhile, has destroyed Doug’s answering machine and is jumping on his bed like a total shithead. Like, really, this kid has no boundaries and I think we’re actually supposed to find it cute. Buzz is gifted some Pokemon Blue for his troubles. This annoying, disobedient child needs less video games and more yard work in his life.

Doug gets the 411 on Pacey and Joey and his take on it is that Joey and Dawson will remain friends and Pacey will wind up alone. Thanks, Doug.

It’s now evening and Pacey is at the Leery house again and Joey stops him at the door, insisting she has to tell him or it will somehow “ruin everything.” Pacey realizes that Joey really means she doesn’t want Dawson to know at all. Then, boom. Dawson’s in the doorway all foreboding like.

Tell me what?

Tell me what?

He wants to know what they’re arguing about and Pacey takes the opportunity to just spill the beans.

And then after the break, Joey yet again says, “Have you ever had one of those days you wish you could live all over again?” So now we’re starting the day all over again. But that would have been obvious without that piece of repetitious narration. The writers have a habit of not really giving their audience too much credit.

Alright, back at the marina, Dawson and Mitch show up with the champagne. This time we get to hear the boring conversation the group has while they unknowingly wait for Joey and Pacey to stop making out. Pacey then shows up and Dawson goes to show him the champagne bottle.

Joey immediately shows up after and Jen gives her some side eye because she’s onto them entirely.

Then she’s making date plans with Henry while Joey waits so she can tell her all about her illicit doings with Pacey.

Yes, that is a teen girl using a phone booth. Retro!

Yes, that is a teen girl using a phone booth. Retro!

They then go on a walk and Joey lays it all out. Jen obviously thinks Joey should tell Dawson and Joey says she knows she’s going to come out looking like the villainess who came between two best friends. She then pays Jen the backhanded compliment of saying she wishes she were more like her, the sort who just does whatever she wants (Unspoken, despite the consequences of hurting others).

At the library, Joey’s there and sees Pacey talking casually to Andie. She then has this really exhausted look on her face about it for some reason.

*Sigh* It's so tiring being me.

*Sigh* It’s so tiring being me.

She then gets to work at the computer and Andie pops over to remind her of the 20-minute time limit. Chill out, Andie. While Andie waits, she blathers on about Will, but then bursts out that she’s not over Pacey, and that running into him opened the flood gates of feelings. Womp womp. But who cares about Andie? I know I sure don’t.

Joey bumps into Dawson outside the library and he wants to make plans for a movie night and she completely blows him off and gets the hell away from that conversation with as little grace as possible.

She then leaves a message for Pacey on the answering machine (Which was destroyed by stupid Buzz) about not telling Dawson so that she can do it herself.

Now it’s nighttime and Joey is quickly climbing the ladder to Dawson’s room while he’s watching a movie in which two men are yelling about a woman. So foreshadowing, he already knows, right? She asks if Pacey has been there (Nope) and then notices Dawson’s watching The Last Picture Show, which they had watched together on their first date.

Joey wants to know about the movie and it’s about three friends, two dudes and a lady, who grew up together. Two had a relationship, the woman ends it and breaks Dude 1’s heart and doesn’t care, and then moves onto the second guy, which destroys the friendship he had with Dude 1. Dawson then says it’s depressing and doesn’t know why he’s watching it. Then he asks what Joey wanted to talk about.

I’ve never had a conversation in my life as poorly set up as this. Has anyone? This is the sort of ironic cliche conversation halter that only happens on TV. Anyhoo, Joey chickens out and flees the room via the ladder, and then runs into Pacey, and we already know how that conversation goes and what happens, only we see Dawson overhearing their conversation from his room, and Dawson admits he knows everything already after Pacey tells him.

And now the day is starting alllll over again and here’s Joey narrating with her line, and I feel like this concept is hitting me over the head with a mallet.

Marina: Dawson & Mitch, champagne, boring conversation, frigging Buzz is there, Pacey & Joey are making out.  And this time we see the end of their kissing and decide that Pacey will leave first.

And this time we actually see the christening, complete with Joey giving Dawson an awkward look and Pacey thanking a guy named Chris. Who’s Chris? Is it that random guy I see with everyone else? No, that’s the throwaway character Will from last episode. Pacey then says the boat’s name, True Love, while looking right at Joey. Subtle. He then smashes the bottle over the boat, though Buzz is sitting on said boat just feet away. Babysitter fail.

The guy on the far left, is that Chris?

The guy on the far left has defied expectations: two episodes!

But in the next scene Dawson is in the library and the bland Will guy comes and wants to know what Dawson and Joey did on their first date to get ideas for Andie. Weird, may as well ask, “So, how did that failed romance with Joey start out?” Dawson offers Will the use of his boat because why not? Dawson says tonight he’ll be trying to hook up with an old friend.

I looked him up. He was in last episode, this one, and next and that’s it. Huh. Well, enjoy the boat, buddy, ’cause your stay on this show is short.

At Jen’s, Henry’s complaining that he’s not allowed in the house. He starts to kiss her, Jen sees Dawson coming and literally shoos Henry inside without a word of explanation. Then she closes the door on him to talk to Dawson. Poor Henry, no respect. And just what kind of an interaction is this? Any normal person would immediately open the door and be like, “Uh, aren’t you coming in, too?”

But that doesn’t happen and Jen starts talking about the terrible news that Pacey gave him. She does so in a way that suggests she thought he was told and was over looking for comfort, but… eh, that doesn’t seem believable because who does that, you know, just assumes so much and spills important private information without gauging the person first? Oh wait, the writers make people do that. Right.

But Dawson’s like, uh, what? And then Jen clams up, like oh shit, whoops, and Dawson is able to guess almost immediately. He’s now mad at Jen in a kill-the-messenger sort of way and storms off.

And now we re-watch the part where Joey comes through the window and Dawson gives her the bit about the movie people’s friendships being destroyed. Only this time we see Dawson’s reaction as she leaves, and he takes her abrupt departure as confirmation of what Jen halfway told him. And we see him watching Joey and Pacey hold hands arguing about telling Dawson about them.

And now we get to see the aftermath of the reveal. Dawson throws Jen under the bus first. Then he tells Pacey he’s not going to have any friends left. And now here’s Andie and Will, either to pick up or drop off the boat, I suppose. And Dawson lets Andie know Pacey and Joey are involved.

An angry face to rival Joey's normal face.

An angry face to rival Joey’s normal face.

After Dawson disappears back into the house after his angry rant, we see a replay of him leaving Jen’s house, so now I guess we’ll get her perspective. At least Joey’s not narrating again.

So, Henry pops out the door just as Dawson is leaving in a huff, having been in there for a few minutes, just standing there, I guess? Jen vaguely tells him what just happened and after briefly consoling her, he goes in for the kiss. She’s like, WTF? And he tells her his abrupt kisses aren’t improving her mood because she’s not giving it a chance and then tries again. Uh, whoa. Creep?

Jen’s like, don’t you care what just happened? Don’t you want to know? And Henry’s like, no, I wanna make out, not talk about your dramatic friends. Jen shows him the door. Then he calls her irrational, which couldn’t be a ruder thing to say in this moment. Jen gives him the boot and he leaves.

Out on the lake, it’s nighttime and Andie’s on her date with Will. He tells her a depressing Greek myth.

Then they show up at Dawson’s place, just as the shit is hitting the fan. Joey runs after Dawson and Andie asks Pacey if it’s true he’s with Joey. And then she tells him Joey will never love him the way she loves Dawson, but it all just sounds like self-pity that he loves Joey instead of her. Will, meanwhile, is watching this shit show and wondering what the fuck he wandered into.

Upstairs, Dawson is laying into Joey, and is making, I must say, valid points. She wants to find herself, but thinks Pacey is the answer? Joey says things between them are complicated, but Dawson says only because she made them that way.

She tries to say her thing with Pacey has nothing to do with him (Good luck with that argument) and Dawson effective tells her being with Pacey means he won’t be her friend. Which, we all saw that coming because we’re people. But Joey is like, WHAT?!

Wat U MEAN NO friends?!

Y U MEAN NO friends?!

And then she screams, “That is not fair!” Okay, really? The fight ends with her climbing down the ladder.

Later on, Dawson’s brooding in his dark bedroom, no doubt torturing himself with thoughts of Joey and Pacey doin’ stuff, and Jen walks in to comfort him. Dawson, having relived his anger at the correct target is now just disappointed Jen didn’t tell him earlier.

Jen tells him there’s nothing anyone can do in a situation like this, that it has to run its course and he has to let her go. Dawson thinks you can fight. (No, no you can’t.)

Joey goes to meet Pacey at his boat and– oh fuck off– says, “Have you ever had one of those days you wish you could live all over again?” We get it. Enough.

But it’s so poorly worded. No, it was a terrible day. Why re-live it? Re-do maybe.

They talk a little about their shitty day, about the boat and then Pacey asks if Joey’s ending it, and she is.

So just to get this straight, immediately after Pacey and Dawson’s friendship is destroyed, she’s ending the relationship so she can still be friends with Dawson, leaving Pacey in the dust with no best friend or girlfriend for his troubles.

Most Annoying Articulation: “Have you ever had one of those days you wish you could live all over again?”

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 3, Episode 19 –Stolen Kisses

ARE YOU READY FOR SPRING BREAK!?

Because Joey and the Dawson are going to spend this break at his Auntie’s house. Pacey shows up with this week’s soon-to-be-forgotten extra, Will. They fill in his backstory: playground pal who came to see his dear friend Pacey. Pacey and Will are coming on the trip, and Andie toddles over and she is coming too.

Don't get attached

Don’t get attached

Pacey and Joey are awks as hell so I take it there has been no more nookie.

ROLL CREDITS

The Dawson restaurant is way busy. Jen and Mushroom Cut Henry canoodle at the table. One of the waitresses walks right up to Jen and starts fantasizing about Jen’s boyfriend. Rather than mention this tidbit, Jen lets her go full graphic and then sends her away.

THAT BOY IS MINE

THAT BOY IS MINE

At some diner, the group helps establish Will’s character some more. Will thinks Salinger is a god. Then they give Auntie’s backstory. She is a total hipster artist who does YOGA(!) and everything.

At the restaurant, some lady with big hair lets the Dawsons know she is recently widowed. For this reason, Momma Dawson doesn’t want to tell her about their decimated marriage.

she looks like an actual cow licked her hair

she looks like an actual cow licked her hair

Dawson arrives at his aunt’s house and she is rocking out and painting and being too cool to actually be a grown up. Also, apparently they have started calling Jack “Jackers” on the reg.

BECAUSE I'M WACKY

BECAUSE I’M WACKY

There’s nowhere for Pacey and Joey to sleep so they need to share a bed—whaaaa?

In the morning Pacey and Joey are totally about to have a moment, but then Auntie enthusiasm calls the “sleepyheads” down for breakfast.

Andie is her usual cunt self at the breakfast table.

The Dawsons talk about their dead friend in the kitchen while some guy in a chef hat does some work.

Jen don’t like sharing her man with the waitress. Rather than say anything Jen assigns the waitress double work. Mushroom Cut calls her on her blinding jealousy and she is like no. ways.

WHAT IS ANDIE WEARING ON HER HEAD?

ugh

ugh

The gang ropes in some pool sharks by continuously missing shots, and knocking the balls off the table. And I SWEAR TO GAWD every single show of this era had to do a pool episode.

90s pool shark

90s pool shark

90s pool shark

90s pool shark

Dawson and Joey give Auntie the DL on their relationship status. Of course Joey name drops Pacey. And everyone is like, what does he have to do with anything?

Will figures out the smart way of shutting Andie up

(Hint: It’s $$)

Well-framed shot of Dawson and Joey having yet another heart-to-heart. Then Joey has a heart-to-heart with the Auntie.

nice shot

nice shot

At the restaurant, Henry runs to Jen to tell her that the waitress “offered him sex”. Jen gets pissed at him, and tells him to go ahead and make a million babies with her.

Andie has a heart-to-heart with Will on the deck. PS He’s poor or his dad beats his mom or something sad.

Dawsons are having further relationship discussions as their staff toil in the kitchen.

FINALLY Jen tells the slut girl that Mushroom Cut is her man, and the whole restaurant is like what just happened?

Andie sings the worst karaoke ever and Pacey comes in a close second. Then Joey and Dawson sing Daydream Believer together and Pacey looks pissy and leaves.

THEN Joey and Pacey have a heart to heart. PS She’s like into him as well.

He threatens to kiss her and gives her 10 seconds to stop him. She makes a really scary face. Then they kiss. Auntie Dawson clears her throat really loud. Because she is Team Dawson for obvious reasons. She tells Joey to tell Dawson the truth.

Now Andie and Pacey are having a heart-to-heart. PS She likes Will.

Mushroom Cut finds Jen in like a giant storage closet or something. She is crying, which makes her feel like a girl. The kid explains to her that being jealous is kinda human and she is sad because he is breaking down all of her walls and whatever. They kiss and make up.

The Dawsons watch their wedding video. I think maybe the dead guy was on the tape or something? They hold hands and then dance. So who knows if that means they are together or they still love each other or they are good friends. It’s to Daydream Believer, I guess, so the Creek can get the most mileage out of the song after paying for the rights?

Joey is going to tell Dawson she wants to bang his bestie, but then Auntie barges in with a painting she made of Dawson and Joey as tots. DAYDREAM BELIEVER AGAIN.

Joey sits with Pacey by the fire and he says he won’t kiss her again. He wants to know how she feels and they have a heart-to-heart. He says she doesn’t like him as much as he likes her and then she kisses him.

make out face

make out face

OMG AND DAYDREAM BELIEVER AGAIN.

They must have really forked out on that song.

I need to swap out MVA for MOST AWESOME ARTICULATION–Pacey: “Joey get in bed. And while you’re at it, get over yourself!”

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 3, Episode 18 – Neverland

Well, here we are, opening scene, and Pacey is laying one on Joey.

Smoochey

Smoochey

And then Pacey breaks away and on the next beat, Joey is pushing him around and yelling and acting like it was a one-sided thing when the photo above suggests otherwise. She then rants about the huge implications of that kiss on their universe. If the writers of this show understand anything well, it’s the massive ego of the average asshole teenager.

Pacey says a kiss is just a kiss, and you let me do it, so hush. But Joey’s like, what about Dawson? And now she wants to walk home now, even though Pacey is hollering at her to get in the car. And of course she’s all walking her ass home in the cold with him driving slowly alongside her pleading, and this is obviously not about actually walking home in a fit of righteous indignation, but rather about punishing him by wasting his time.

$5 says she gets back in the car.

And she does.

Yep.

Yep. Back in the car. 10 seconds.

And with a rousing game of “Fine.” “Fine!” FINE!” they’re off, not speaking to each other and the opening credits roll.

So now Pacey and Joey are talking to big sibs Bess and Doug about the kiss in the style of Grease’s he-said, she-said song Summer Lovin’. Pacey did this, Joey did that. And just to bring another movie into it, Doug compares Pacey’s situation to Speed (In this terrible metaphor, Joey is the bus. I guess not everyone in Capeside is a gifted linguist).

Oh, Joey and Bess were discussing it over making a big breakfast, scrambled eggs and pancakes. I thought they were cooking that for guests at the B&B, but nope. Are there no guests at this place?

Anyhoo, Bess is like, n’ah, can’t help you, sorry. Doug tells Pacey to diffuse the bomb that is Dawson and then he can be with Joey. Pfft. Good luck, jerk! Doug actually thinks Pacey can get Dawson to say that his friendship with him means more than his feelings for Joey. Oh, and that he’ll be happy Pacey told him. Doug’s pretty stupid.

Andy and Jack are eating cereal outside and Andy’s obnoxiously complaining about her bad shower and having two tests that day. Jack is excited Ethan’s coming for the weekend. Except that his homophobic dad’s home instead of gone like planned. Whoops.

At school, Jen is telling Henry she knows about his birthday and has a plan to celebrate it. Henry looks like he’s holding in a huge fart. He says there’s a family thing so he can’t, and no friends are invited. He couldn’t look more like a liar right now.

Is she buying this shit?

Is she buying this shit?

And right on cue, a football player comes around the corner and is like, “Hey, see you at your party tomorrow!” And Jen’s like, uh, you’re having a birthday party and not inviting me? She leaves for class, wicked pissed and Henry offers no explanation. If this were me, this relationship would be o-v-e-r.

In the cafeteria, Pacey sits down with Dawson (With Joey watching from a distance) and Dawson’s telling him how their old stomping ground is going to be bulldozed. Hey… do you think that’s going to be where Pacey wants to tell Dawson about Joey? Hmmm… So very subtle.

Joey, meanwhile, is sitting with Andie, ex-girlfriend to the guy she just kissed, who thinks Joey’s acting weird. I was just thinking, I don’t know how many friendships could survive Andie’s false rape accusation or her general shrillness. It’s like she gets a re-set button every episode for how much shit everyone is willing to put up with.

Pacey suggests to Dawson they go camping at their old fort before it’s gone, and Dawson thinks it’s just a fun thing to do instead of the swift stab to his heart that Pacey’s got planned.

Jen sits down with the girls and says her boyfriend’s a liar. And no one asks for follow-up. That’s cold. Jen then says she has a bad track record with boys. And STILL no one asks what’s up. Then fucking Andie says other girls don’t have these kinds of problems like they do (Only these teenagers struggle with romance, obvs) because they don’t have girls nights out.

Pretty sure that’s not the issue, but Andie’s an idiot.

I have bad ideas!

I have bad ideas!

She says she needs female bonding and so do they, and since they’re so objectionable that no one else wants their company, it’s on. Henry walks into the cafeteria, sees Jen and makes no attempt at amends. Pretty odd for a guy that nearly stalked her all year. Ooh, I love you, I need you! But don’t come to my birthday party!

At Jack’s house, Pa rolls up early, just in time to see Ethan arrive. He wants a word with his gay son about his gay guest. Jack basically tells him to shove it, he’s not sending his buddy away, and walks off triumphant.

This Buzz kid from last episode is back. I didn’t see him the first time around, but just one minute in and he’s sort of a dick. And I usually really like kids. Actually, I tend to hate kids on TV because TV writers and directors seem to think kids who are precocious assholes are charming. Buzz guilts Pacey about having plans to go camping with his friend without him.

At Jen’s house, Andie’s like, FACIALS! PEDICURES! Boy, she sure knows her audience. She runs away to get what’s needed and Jen and Joey vaguely discuss the absent boys because that’s all they ever really talk about. Jen tells Joey she’s available as a confidante to whatever mysterious shenanigans she’s gotten into. Jen once tried to steal her boyfriend so I don’t know why they’re still trying this friendship thing. Speaking of getting a re-set button.

At Jack’s, he’s planning an innocent game of chess with Ethan. His dad strolls in with a drink and asks to play. And I’m wondering if he understands the concept of chess. Jack tells him to buzz off and quit spying.

Dawson and Joey are hitting up their old hideout and actually it’s a pretty spiffy little structure that makes me want to go back in time and pretend to be a pirate.

Yarr, we stopped playing here when we were 14!

Yarr, we stopped playing here when we were 14!

Dawson takes the moment to say the fort is just ordinary, though he remembered it bigger, so maybe his whole life is just ordinary. (He did experience that epic haunting no one ever talks about, which is rather extraordinary, but who cares about that since it was 11 episodes ago?)

While Dawson’s having an existential crisis brought on by a dilapidated fort, Pacey’s decided now is the right time to bring up Joey. He starts rambling, but stops when Dawson hears a rattling noise. It’s a load of boys on bikes coming right for them. It’s Buzz, who brought two friends to crash the camping trip. Dawson at least looks amused.

The girls now have masks on, only Andie is enjoying it, they’re complaining about boys, and reminiscing about childhood when they could play with boys. Nothing about this episode passes the Bechdel Test. Jen subtly tries to nudge the conversation to what’s been bugging Joey, and she in turn changes the subject entirely to favourite childhood places.

Nyah, nyah!

Nyah, nyah!

Joey says she liked the roller rink, and that prompts Jen to bring out mystery pink gift bags.

At Jack’s house, Ethan diplomatically asks Mr. McPhee to have dinner with them. Jack is unimpressed.

At the camp site, Pacey tells the boys he’s talked to their parents, and before I could ask how he managed to do that, he says, “A 10-year-old with a cell phone is just plain wrong.” Oh man, would he shit his pants today. Though he’s right, a kid that age with a cell in the year 2000 is bullshit.

Dawson tries to tell the kids the plots to movies and the party-crashing boys shit all over it, demanding something original. So he starts telling them a “true” ghost story about a creepy guy named Max who lived in a nearby shed. Not that I thought this would come up twice, but, dude, just tell the Witch Island story! Come on! I’d be telling that one every damn day.

Meanwhile, with the girls, for some reason this is happening:

Bonding!

Bonding!

Okay, so Andie is wearing a hairstyle from the ’40s, and the girls are all glammed up with makeup and boas, and they’re rollerskating in their fucking pyjamas. And they’re just talking boy stuff again, la-dee-da. Joey and Jen look like polished slobs, but Andie is in a silky nightgown. She and Joey take another turn around the rink.

Jen takes a break and notices Henry is hitting a piñata in a party room nearby. So, she walks on over in her PJ and boa and says, “Henry?” The party stops and everyone is staring at her like she’s crazy, which is to be expected when you leave the house looking like the party stops at your neck.

At dinner, Ethan is getting Pa to talk about his old beloved car, obviously building bridges and such. Pa suggests going to a car museum that’s opened lated. Jack is sulking.

At the camp site the boys are sleeping, obviously not too upset about Dawson’s ghost story. Pacey digs up their old time capsule and they go through it. Among various things they find a picture of Joey and the loyalty oath they wrote the day they became blood brothers. Well, this certainly sets the scene well for the “I made out with the love of your life” conversation Pacey wanted to have.

At the roller rink, turns out it was a family birthday party, and Henry’s embarrassed about how juvenile it is, to the point he never bothered to explain the situation and risked her dumping him (Makes sense). Jen’s like, I look like a glossy hobo and you’re embarrassed? Henry says he’ll understand if Jen never wants to talk to him again and zooms off. Jen catches up and tell him she took back his birthday present in a fit of rage and bought angry chick music instead.

At the car museum, Jack is over it and takes Ethan aside and loudly tells him he doesn’t want to spend any more time with the shitty dad who hates him. The shitty dad approaches and says he’s going home. He says he cancelled his business trip to spend time together and is all “I’m not the father you want or need.” Which is all well and good as far as guilt trips go, but he’s been a raging asshole up to this point so…?

At the camp side, Dawson is talking about how he can always be sure of his friendships with Pacey and Joey. Jesus, the writers are really laying it on thick. Usually when you deliver bad news there aren’t any ironic segues beforehand. Normal people drop bombs after talking about lunch or their day at work. Just when you think it isn’t awkward enough, Dawson calls Joey his soulmate.

At Jack’s place, the boys are getting ready for bed, Ethan is setting up a cot and he wants to talk about what happened. Jack is pissed his dad made it look like he’s the victim. Ethan is telling him he needs to work at patching things up with his dad because they’re both victims.

This is the least believable storyline in this whole pile. “Oh, your coming out was met with practically being disowned and shunned in your own house, subjecting you to a year of emotional abuse by your father? As a fellow gay man, I think you should work harder on your relationship with your dad because you need each other!” Pfft. Come on. Ethan hasn’t gots the empathy.

Also, Ethan is telling Jack to stop being angry, which I imagine is hard to do when you’re still living with the person who thinks you’re a stain on the family’s good name. Ethan, go home.

At the girls’ slumber party, Andie is getting ready for bed and Joey confides in Jen that Pacey kissed her. Jen’s like, well, I saw that coming a mile away. She thinks Joey has feelings for Pacey because she clearly does.

Jack goes downstairs to talk to his dad, who is attending to business matters the old school way: out of a briefcase, with a pen and calculator. He may be a hot shot, but he’s also a dinosaur.

lap...top? Com...puter?

Lap…top? Com…puter?

Jack wants to know why the 360 all of a sudden with wanting to spend time with him (Even though he tried to send Ethan home initially). His dad says his colleague has a real shitty son who fails out of school and steals things, so Jack being gay isn’t that bad. So they start playing chess.

Everyone leaves the camp site and Buzz is bugging Pacey to buy him snacks. They run into Joey and Pacey bribes Buzz with sugar to leave them alone. He apologizes for kissing her, she says she overreacted and they both are now totally into each other but say they’re just friends. On the way home, Buzz calls Pacey out. I hate that kid, and I hope this is the last we see of him.

Most Verbose Articulation Joey: “Do you have any idea the monumental implications of that meaningless little impulse? The ripple effect it could create in our small but fragile universe?”