Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 12 – Sleeping Arrangements

It’s Jenn. I’ve got a tenuous grip on some episodes. We’ll see how this goes.

Pacey’s on his boat and some blonde I can’t remember approaches him. Thankfully, Pacey says her full name so the audience doesn’t have to think too hard. This is Melanie. She’s all impressed he’s got a job. She says it shatters her understanding of the natural order of the universe. He must find her super hot, ’cause that’s a mad burn and he’s still smiling.

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You may know me from such TV shows as How I Met Your Mother, Once Upon a Time or my episode of Touched By an Angel.

So Melanie has come to tell him that boat he’s living on got sold, and dude who owned it has bought a bigger boat and wants Pacey to sail around the Greek islands with him. Which is much more specific than “Paradise” which is where they went last time. Also it seems this business arrangement might be better organized through a direct phone call, but what do I know about the doings of eccentric millionaires?

Pacey doesn’t seem mega jazzed about this offer and Melanie heads out.

And just so you know, this episode is playing with the Jann Arden theme. I’m pretty disappointed.

At Grams’ house, Jen is getting ready and Dawson is trying to make plans with her, unsuccessfully, while learning that Jen actually wears a lot of makeup, which he never noticed before. Also, he learns that Jen thought his toothbrush was “old” and used it to separate her eyelashes. Yes. She thought the toothbrush that belongs to her boyfriend who recently moved in was “old” and used this “old” and therefore germy-ass brush on her eyes. That’s gross, and a stye waiting to happen.

He then wants to use hers and she’s like, ew, no, that’s my toothbrush. Dawson points out they’ve been sleeping together for three weeks, but no dice, even if she did just ruin his toothbrush. He then pokes through a drawer looking for dental supplies and Jen wigs out, all no, that’s my drawer. I have a child who’s turning 3 tomorrow and I don’t mind saying I’m drawing some behavioural parallels here. Dawson leaves the bathroom looking way less annoyed than I’d be.

Joey’s in a class and the prof wants to talk to her. Some moody-looking blonde guy seems a little fixated. And turns out prof wants to introduce blondie, Elliott, to Joey. Why? No reason. Just to point out that Elliott was checking her out. Inappropriate, much? Boundaries, buddy.

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I need an adult.

Elliott tries to make chit chat and points out they’ve met, and joey gives her classic brush off and leaves. Dude, figuring he’s got nothing to lose at this point, chases after her and offers to walk and get coffee, but no dice. Joey’s Joey and there’s no point.

At the radio station, Jen’s attempting to sound cool on the air and blows it. So she takes a request which winds up being some chick who doesn’t understand how music radio shows work and wants Jen’s advice on her love life for some reason. Who is screening these calls?

The caller says he boyfriend ejaculates too early. Seriously, someone called into a rock radio station and asked this on the air. Who wrote this shit? Jen decides to offer her expertise, though we don’t get to hear what her answer is.

Now Dawson is helping Jack move into the frat house. The room he’s getting is huge and has its own bathroom. He wants to know how he got so lucky and the guy who’s giving the room up says it’s a lottery, luck of the draw thing. Probably that’s not at all accurate.

Buddy’s new roommate helps him move stuff into their new shared room and Jack’s wondering why those two guys are sharing while he gets the big room all to himself.

Audrey’s at work at the restaurant and is applying lipstick while viewing herself in a spoon. Any time anyone has worked in food service on this show, they have completely fucked it up.

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Wait tables? What is this devilry?

And somehow she’s not fired immediately, even after she tells the chef the salmon is gross, says “sucks to be you” and calls him old. Chef Ramsay would have eaten her by now.

The Chef then wants to promote(?) Pacey to breadmaker because their old breadmaker is back in jail(?) and tells him he doesn’t know what he’d do without him, making Pacey’s decision over whether to sail the Greek islands that much harder.

Audrey then comes back to shoot the shit with Pacey rather than work the crowded restaurant. He’s not interested in chit chat.

At Grams’ house, Grams playing Jack’s video game that he left behind, which tickles me to death and brings back fond memories of my mom stealing my Gameboy and draining the batteries to play Dr. Mario when I was a teenager.

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The devil made me do it.

She puts the game down to talk to Dawson about his registration to some film group and he says he didn’t fit in with them. He then tells Grams he knows it must be weird seeing him dating Jen. Grams says she’s come a long way thanks to Jen’s help, and for example she can now say the word “penis.” Might I remind everyone that Grams used to be a nurse? What did she call the penis when she was on the job?

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“Hey Homer, I can see your doodle!”

Dawson says he’ll live by whatever ground rules Grams wants to set, but she says they both know no one can make an honest woman out of Jen, so just be nice to her. Dawson remembers Jen’s on the radio now so he turns on the station and looks like Jen’s music program has become the love advice show. And she gives shitty advice.

So this girl wants to know why her boyfriend of three months is pulling away. Jen says it’s because the honeymoon period is over and men leave, and frequent sex can delay it for awhile, but not indefinitely. You should see Grams’ face for that one.

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Oh hell no.

Jen also advises keeping things to yourself and calls men disasters. I think she’s going to get canned from her job. But then again, this is Dawson’s Creek where up is down, so maybe she’ll get her own show.

Dawson seems perturbed and Grams tries to play it down so as not to lose the only nice boyfriend she’s ever seen her granddaughter date.

Joey’s in the book store and that pretentious professor is there, admitting he’s assigned reading material from his own book and talking about boys flirting with her. This guy is a creep, and Joey loves it because she’s fucking Joey.

Prof humblebrags about how he wrote the book when he was 20 and calls the themes incestuous.

At the restaurant, Pacey’s hanging out in the dining room, all unprofessional-like and Audrey wants to know what’s bothering him. He reveals his job offer. She tells him to stay or go, whatever, and is of no real help.

Back at the frat house, Jack wants to know why buddy gave up his room. Turns out the freshman he was supposed to share with got uncomfortable with sharing the room with a gay guy, left it too late to say anything and now is boarding with buddy, who’s a senior. Jack’s hurt, but I’m thinking the guys all still like him and, hey, sweet-ass big room all to himself. It’s not like he got a bum deal.

Back at the restaurant, Pacey is talking to Chef and trying to quit and Chef’s like, hey, you’re not trying to quit, are you? This always happens on TV. Pacey quits, giving three days notice, and dude takes it pretty well considering he’s only just recently lost another employee due to criminal charges. Chef looks a little like Paul Rudd. But it’s not Paul Rudd. I wish it was.

Audrey saunters into the kitchen to count tips she probably doesn’t deserve and thinks Pacey’s feeling bummed that his boss let him go so easily, and points out he has a life in town now. You’d think she’d have offered this viewpoint prior to him quitting if that’s what she thought.

Audrey then starts flirting with him only to turn around and call him boring. Audrey is such a pain in the ass. No redeeming features. Thinking on it, I think she’s why I quit watching back in the day.

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You want me so bad, and you’re boring as shit.

Audrey reverse throws herself at him, claiming out of nowhere he’d sleep with her, and he calls her bawdy. She says he makes her feel like Bette Midler and I’m cringing from the shitty dialogue.

Melanie shows up, Audrey parts with some awful attempts at wit and Pacey’s out the door too, despite the fact he didn’t seem to have finished cleaning the kitchen. But fuck it, right? He quit!

Jen walks up to the house, and Dawson is waiting outside for her, which is weird when he could have just waited inside sitting on something comfortable. She surmises he heard the broadcast. OH and who called it? Up is down and night is day because Jen got her own radio show to dispense her shitty cynical advice that’ll ruin young relationships all over Boston.

She now wants to know what Dawson has to say, and seems worked up for bad news. But he just wants to go out. She bristles and is all, well, I already told you I’m busy! This chick thinks men leave and doesn’t consider it’s because she pushes them away. It’s maddening. Joey does the same stupid shit. Kevin Williamson is a bitter old tit.

Dawson tells her he’s going to the movies and then he will come home, and she’s free to join him, or she’s free to keep testing him, but he’s a steady guy who doesn’t cheat or leave. Honestly, I’d leave her, though. This shit she pulls got old seasons ago and ain’t nobody got time for that.

At the frat house, Jack confronts the guy who didn’t want to room with him. He calls him out and the guy’s like, I didn’t want people to think I was gay. They get nothing accomplished and Jack leaves the room.

Audrey arrives back at her dorm, complains loudly about waitressing, kicks her shoe off, which hits things on a dresser. Then she crawls into Joey’s bed, despite Joey not really wanting her there. Joey tells her about how she got asked out and said no. Turns out she thought Audrey slept with the guy, but nope, so she turned down handsome brooding Elliott for no good reason.

Pacey takes Melanie back to the boat and they reminisce over their last boating escapade. I’m gonna level with you all. This scene is boring as shit and I’m sort of glazing over it. They make out.

In the morning they’re getting dressed and Melanie’s giving herself the bum’s rush. Personal pet peeve: Her hair and makeup still look perfect. Fall asleep with that much eye shadow on and you’re going to look like a vagrant in the morning, just saying.

At Grams’ house, Jen has replaced Dawson’s toothbrush but has some requests about how he can be less gross to live with. She offers a convoluted BS reason for wearing makeup too: because when she was a little girl she learned to hide herself and cover up for protection. Oh fuck off, you wear it because it makes you feel pretty and maybe not wearing it make you feel not pretty and you want to leave the house looking pretty, like we all do. Not everything has a deep dark reason. 

Joey goes to Elliott’s room and rather than saying, “Hey, so I didn’t want to go to coffee because I thought you slept with my roommate and I figured it’d be too weird,” she launches into this overly verbose web of complete nonsense and mystery without touching on anything of actual importance. He then says, “I didn’t sleep with your roommate.” Him, I like him. Cutting through the bullshit.

She asks him to coffee and he fakes rejecting her before agreeing. She gives him this shitty smile. Seriously, it’s awful.

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What the fuck is this?

At the frat house, Jack drops his keys in front of the senior guy, all dramatic like, and says he shouldn’t live there. He then leaves without any of his stuff, so is he really leaving? The freshman, I think his name’s Eric, chases after him and offers to be his roommate. Jack says he needs to think about it.

At the boat, Pacey is packing and Audrey shows up wearing an ugly hat and wants him to come outside. Oh look, it’s Joey, Jack, Jen and Dawson there to say goodbye. And that’s odd in its own way because this group has been sort of growing apart. They present him with something that looks boat-ish and turns out he’s not going anywhere after all.

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Not a good year for hat fashion.

So, he’s quit his job and has nowhere to live. Sounds like a plan!

The end.

So, just for the record, getting this episode to play was a real pain in the ass and I’m not sure how frequently I can keep this up. Effing Netflix and their fickle catalogue. So! Keep harassing us in the comments to do more and I’ll make it more of a priority, despite the pain-in-the-assery, and maybe even Jen (who lost patience with this show a long time ago) will come back to complain about it once again. Plus there’s still Jensen to come. 

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Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 3, Episode 1 –Like a virgin

Fade to bus driving in the dark to rock music. Dawson is fast asleep on some biker’s shoulder. He wakes up and now he is staring at JESSICA WAKEFIELD. She tells him he drools and is a heavy breather. It’s like they’re dating already. He’s watching Risky Business and they start flirting…and seal the deal with a handshake.

does this bus stop at sweet valley high

does this bus stop at sweet valley high

OMG YES NEW CREDITS Jen looks like a headcase and Jack looks pensive and Andie is there and all the kids are groping each other and hanging out on a dock.

new credits

new credits

I'm in the credits now! I have arrived.

I’m in the credits now! I have arrived.

omg me too

omg me too

gang's all here

gang’s all here

I like the music they are using to set the scene in this season. Seems more edgy.

Joey is dressed like a gas station attendant and I think she works at the marina now or something.

Jen’s hair is finally growing out .Too bad about the bad home perm job. She’s eating Eggos with Jack, and Grams is teasing them about being married.

well oiled machine

well oiled machine

Dawson and Pacey trying to sort out what will happen when Dawson and Joey see each other after their big blowout. Dawson hates her now. Pacey says the world has wondered all summer whether they will be on again or off again.

Dawson’s Dad is coaching football now. Yeah, okay.

At the opening assembly, 90s girls ask Jen about her gang bang and she says to them too bad the lipo didn’t take. Joey comes in and Pacey goads Dawson, and Pacey gets shit for talking. He says his name is Che Guevara.

Girls bully each other some more. Jen makes snarky comments, then decides that she will sign up for cheerleading “just to show” those girls. Like I’m buying that excuse.

Since the queen is dead: new bitch in town

Since the queen is dead: new bitch in town

brought my own sidekicks

brought my own sidekicks

Dawson stops dead when he sees Joey and he realized his undying love for her some more and then she gives him the lingering eyes too.

Bess greets Joey and she pumps her for Dawson info and Joey tells her they forgave each other and pulls a bunch of shit out of her ass, and Bess says good because they are meant for each other.

Dawson is at a strip joint where they have bios for the strippers. Forgive my ignorance, but is that like a thing? Pacey orders beer and milk (the latter for our unweaned pal, Dawson). Pacey is excited for Dawson to pop his cherry this year.

Pacey gets root beer and the stripper waitress is none other than Jessica Wakefield from the bus. In a wig, because brunettes with 60s hair are so much sexier than blondes with a pixie cut.

who says blondes have more fun

who says blondes have more fun

Next thing you know it’s the next day(?) and Jess is sitting in Dawson’s living room…maybe he included his home address when he gave her his number? Pacey gives him a pep talk to go bang blondie…bag her in the boat or some shit.

Back at cheerleader tryouts they are bullying this poor girl, and next up is Jen and I’m still not clear on how auditioning is going to damage them. Oh, now I see she is using it so she can make a speech to all the girls at tryouts. Tells them that they don’t want to be like those girls and they are going to be miserable in the future and everyone applauds, even mean girl’s supposed friends.

deep words

deep words

Joey’s boss tries to get a glimpse of the goods.

Dawson and blondie are boating. She wants him to take his shirt off. She spouts some philosophy or something. He asks her why she is hanging out with him, seeing as she is hot and much more interesting than the Capesiders we’ve seen so far. She knows just by looking at him that he is a virgin. They start making out and who is driving the boat? Eve is about to go down on him or something and he crashes the boat into Joey’s new job and sexual harassment guy is like “You know this clown?” and she is like “I thought I did.”

not wearing her lifejacket

not wearing her lifejacket

The little crash up is gonna put Dawson back 3 Gs…which in the 90s coulda bought you like a house or something.

Eve is sitting like her shirt is still on the hanger, and then Eve realizes Dawson is pissed at her for distracting his driving, and she’s pissed and tells him to stop being so cerebral.

Jen is walking down the halls like she is the missing link and everyone is mobbing her, and even the teachers are saying hello to her. Turns out her speech worked and the girls want to make her their new leader.

Joey and Bess are folding laundry and talking more about Dawson and the wild, confident blonde.

Dawson is checking the couch cushions to see if he can find $3000. Eve rings his bell to give him $400 from the stipclub tips. Even the strippers feel bad for Dawson. Dawson won’t take the money and he and Eve argue over whether he should. Pacey is like, don’t take the money, throw a party at your house with teens and strippers to make money. Eve is in, and no way this can go wrong.

Night falls, and they are lined up out the door. Impressive light show at the house.

strobe

strobe

Dawson decides it is an appropriate time to go to sleep now. Joey is sitting in his bedroom, though I would have bet on someone payng for sex, but this is fine too.

She’s all like “I’m prolly the last person you want to see.”

He’s like “No, never.”

She says sorry about her Dad and lashing out at him. He’s mad she never called, and then she asks if he missed her and she totally hurls herself at him and whips off her shirt in a very non-Joey fashion. When she goes to kiss him, he is like “No way. Put your shirt on.” Then they start fighting about Dawson being a virgin, and Joey is like it’s not my fault you are still a virgin, and he’s like I know. I didn’t want to bang you either. He tells her he can’t go through it all again with her.

De-nied

De-nied

Dawson checks out the strip-a-thon downstairs. Oh, look, there’s Jen and Jack. The grand tally is $3162. Then they “open it to the public” whatever that means. Eve wants Dawson to take off with her and trust the rager in Pacey’s capable hands. Dawson tells Pacey that Joey wants him back and now Eve wants him to go play doctor. Age-old dilemma: “Madonna or the Jezebel” (Guess whore wasn’t making it past the censors). He asks Pacey to keep an eye on her for a few days, and we all know how that pans out for him.

Eve wants to take Dawson on another boat ride. This time with her boss’ boat, HOWEVER Dad decides to come home and Dawson starts having a meltdown, and Eve is like, “Oh wellsies. Let’s still go boating.” She poses all sexy for him, and she says “I don’t know who is the bigger mystery, me or you.” (Is there a third option?). Then she boats away.

Joey is crying on her dock and Pacey comes to check on her. Joey is mad because she knows that Dawson blabbed about her attempt. Pacey gives her sage advice and says that they need the time apart anyway. Even though they are right for each other, doesn’t mean they are right for each other right now. He hints that he feels her pain, as he just got the shift from his lady. Then Pacey says they might become friends this year and they have a nice music-filled hug.

bonding

bonding

MVA, Jen: When you see Belinda and her clique in the hallway you’re desperately wishing you were walking with them and thinking that maybe if you were wearing the right shoes sporting the latest hairstyle and using the hottest shade of lip gloss then maybe they would toss a glance in your direction.

Ever wonder why they force their narrow-minded opinions down our throats? lt’s because they have an inkling of what the future has in store for them beyond graduation.

Cut to 25 years from now.

Belinda McGovern wakes up one morning feeling empty.

Maybe it’s because her Dartmouth-educated lawyer-husband Tad has run off to Tijuana with her daughter’s roommate from boarding school.

Or maybe it’s because the twins, Timmy and Tommy call her by her first name and their housekeeper ‘ Mom.

Or maybe it’s Belinda’s daily with her bottle of Prozac.

Her life has become a domestic wasteland.

Avoid this fate.

Don’t let yourself become another cookie-cutter blond size 4, rah-rah, sis-bam-boom, mindless, soulless, spineless wench.

Screw these auditions, screw cheerleading and screw Belinda McGovern.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 2, Episode 16 – Be Careful What You Wish For

Pacey shows up at Dawson’s house, and Dawson’s acting like he is even more on the rag than usual. Since Pacey isn’t a dick, he knows immediately that it is because they are minutes away from big D’s sweet 16. Dawson is pissed because everyone is evolving and he is still in pull-ups. He’s also all hurt that he got dumped for a gay guy. He decides Joey is the answer, so his bday wish is to get her back… which might work out pretty well since her bf is a homosexual now.

Credits (I never hung out under a dock. I feel like I am missing out.)

Daddy Dawson is in the kitchen cooking Dawson breakie, as per tradition, and Mom walks in and is like, what in the hell, I wasn’t expecting company, and already started blowing the ole rape whistle. Daddy gotsa talk to Mom in private and he decides that he should talk to her about a gift on Dawson’s actual bday (eff planning), and she’s like, bitch, imma give him a car because I can buy his love, and they get all fighty and Dawson’s happy bday face is on the ground.

sad bday boy

sad bday boy

Joey and Pacey are planning Dawson a surprise party.

Enter Jack. Everyone goes sad and the music gets sad like Dawson’s face. AND Pacey is asking Joey how she’s doing and I feel like their relationship has progressed since they used to call each other ass-face or whatever it was all the time…(What was it again… something great?)

Abby and her brand spanking new posse are here, and they are loving that he is the FIRST guy to come out in Capeside high. ALSO 90S HAIR TO THE MAX.

HAIR+BUTTERFLY

HAIR+BUTTERFLY

Then he calls Abby “Satan,” but now she loves him in true beard (or is it fag hag? What are the kids saying these days?) style

90s power hair

90s power hair

Andie is in therapy in a dark room with many distracting lamps. Shrink asks her what she wants for herself and not all the people she takes care of all the damn time. Shrink is like you oughta just do it, and prescribes her one night of imperfection.

you need some ikea therapy, sista

you need some ikea therapy, sista

Joey is telling her sis that she has given up since she turned Jack off women completely. Sis is like, yawn, get over it. Go paint some shit or something. And then she points out that Joey did break up with Dawson to find herself and immediately got going with Jack. Enter Dawson.

Jen and Ty are wrapping stuff and being all flirty and they must go to the same barber because I can’t tell who owns what hair.

twinsies

twinsies

Joey and Dawson are talking about wishes and mentioning that it’s getting damn cold in Capeside because it’s almost winter. Dawson tells Joey he wants to get back together. And that is some hat. And he says they are soulmates. Joey flips and says she needs to figure stuff out. And she kinda ruins his birthday by flat out denying him. Though, I guess he ran that risk, timing it as he did.

mad hatter

mad hatter

Pacey and Dawson are driving Andie around in the back of a cop car. She is pretending to be a siren and Dawson is sulking that he is third wheel on his bday. Andie is being super annoying and screams STOP THE CAR STOP THE CAR so she could go see something really cool back there. Pacey tells her to get it together but she’s like: n’ah, doc said.

jail bird

jail bird

Jack shows up at the surprise party and Abby and her bitches are all about him now.

AHA Ty reminds me of a less fun Jim CARREY!!! And he pulls away from another kiss, and Jen is like DAFUQ and he doesn’t want to kiss Jen because Jesus doesn’t like when Ty gets turned on.

Carrey-esque

Carrey-esque

At the club some dude is playing the mouth organ and Andie is like coated in glitter.

so. much. glitter.

so. much. glitter.

She explains Freud and Id to the boys. Dawson’s like, that sounds pretty fun, let’s get shit-faced. They trick the waitress into giving them booze by asking her for more booze this time because they could barely taste the rum.

Jack is like WHAT is your obsession with me all the sudden? Abby’s like, we’re both outcasts. He’s like no. She’s like, okay, then maybe we’re both bisexual like everyone else is but is too scared to admit it.

At the bar Pacey is like why in the crap are you two drinking so much Coke? And SURPRISE it is open mic night, so Andie and Dawson get up and act like teenagers and he like rap-battles the crap out of the blues. Oh gawd, they confess every single thing about their lives, and I am mortified even though they maybe kinda nail it?

Aha! And Then Dawson sings about knowing about the surprise party and that part’s kinda funny.

drunk awkward teens

drunk awkward teens

Standing ovation for the drunk tweens. Then the waitress tries to ID them and Andie is like, shit, you should have done that six drinks ago because I’m 16, and goes on a rant. Pacey drags her away.

At the party, Dad is crying to Mom that he doesn’t like the car she bought their son. Damn, it has a bow on it and everything and somehow Jen has decided to bang Ty in it… Ugh the hand on the window thing. Ty is like, quit trying to be a temptress, you whore. And they have a big fight and I don’t know what else he expected.

happy birthday indeed

happy birthday indeed

for the love of God why

for the love of God why

Jack now wants to talk to Abby about her theory on everyone being bisexual, and they do some actual naval gazing.

there it is

there it is

Dawson shows up to his party and he can barely stand, and immediately starts dancing on the furniture.

table dancing

table dancing

Joey tries to hide him in the bedroom and there Abby and Jack are making out in Dawson’s bed. Dawson makes a great drunk face and Abby thinks he is a scream, and Joey runs away with a serious case of the sads.

best face ever

best face ever

Mom knows right away her little pumpkin is hammered and then Dawson makes his wishes that mommy wasn’t a slut and daddy could hold down a job, and that Pacey would screw up his life again so Dawson would feel better, and then he moves on to labelling people: Jen is a skank, and Jack the gay girlfriend stealer, and of course, Joey, who needs to find herself, and he starts looking for her like for realsiies, and he makes this face and then tries to make out with her and Joey pushes him face-first into his bday cake.

where's joey

where’s joey

Eew. Cut to double puke scene. Haha Andie: Is it my fault or my Id’s fault? ID it my fault?

They are regretful for their bad behaviour and swear off booze for good.

On the porch Dad asks Mom if they have completely screwed up their son. Mom is like, n’ah he’s 16, but I am taking the car back to the dealership (sounds like a red tape nightmare) because he was too bad.

Joey is standing in the dark and Jack comes to talk to her. And she’s just like … ABBY. Jack is like, yah well, she made me feel normal, so that’s why. But I totally am gay. And he confesses that unlike all other teenagers everywhere he just wants to fit in.

Ty was waiting on Jen’s porch to make sure she knows that he is dumping her. She goes on a big speech about how he has urges and has been taught to deny them and whatever. And big speech and stuff and I tuned out, sorry.

Dawson is riding out the spins and Joey is like, I forgive you. Then Dawson says he is so lonely and what’s with dumping me for Jack and Joey is like, I just need to make sure I can be whole without you. He says, well, get it over with fast then because I love you, man. And once he is passed out she says she loves him back. And surprise, it is snowing. This is significant because they were talking about snow earlier, you see.

MVA: HAS TO BE DAWSON’S AND ANDIE’S IMPROVED BLUES:

Dawson: My name is Dawson Leery. I’m feeling kind of weary. Today is my birthday. You all look a little blurry.

The girl I cared for, Left me and ran away, Straight into the arms of, A GUY THAT TURNED OUT TO BE GAY!

I got the blues! Yeah! Today I woke up feeling like I was born to lose! Yeaaah I got the bluuuuueeesss. Somedays you’re born to lose!

(stops singing) Here’s my friend Andie, she’s going to sing you a song because she’s got the blues!!!!

Andie: My name is Andie. And my brother’s the one that’s gay. My other brother died. And my daddy ran away!

But I’m still Andie. And my boyfriend makes me randy His name is Pacey, AND MY MOM’S GONE COMPLETELY CRAZY!

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah I’ve got the bluesssssssss!

Dawson: Sing it sister!

Andie: Sometimes you swear you were born to loooooosssssssseeeeeeee!

Dawson: Oh, we got the bluesss! Now it’s time to put on my dancing shoes!

Whoooooo! Yeaaaaaaaaahh! Alright!

Oh, I’ve been restless, hopeless and confused, This girl that I told you about, She’s been on the move, She’s at my surrrrprise party where everyone I know is at right now, And when I show up late they’re GONNA HAVE A COW!

Yeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh I got the bluuuuuuuueeeeeeeesssss! I swear sometimes we were born to lose!

Andie: No, brother man, WE got the blues.

Andie & Dawson: We got the bluuueeeessss!

Dawson: Sometimes you’re, you were born to lose! Ohhhhh yeah.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 2, Episode 13 – His Leading Lady

Opening scene, Dawson in his room with Joey watching a movie. Again. Dawson’s like, yeah, first movie night since our breakup! We did it! And now he wants help choosing a leading lady for his movie. He’s going through this huge stack of candidates and I’m wondering how he found that many interested people to do this.

Meanwhile Joey is like, you’re okay with this? Wow, you’re really okay with this… And Dawson’s talking about how he’s let her go and she’s sporting a look on her face that suggests she never wanted him to let her go. We’ll label this Snotty Look 1.

Y U over me?

Y U over me?

There seems to be something about this guy where girls only want his devotion, but not actually a relationship. Joey leaves via the door and the opening credits roll.

I see boobies.

I see boobies.

At a life drawing class, Joey’s getting praise for her drawing of the nude lady in the centre of the room and Dawson walks in– JUST WALKS IN. Dude. Come on. Dawson wants to talk movie stuff and has chosen this moment for some reason. Joey tells him to get the F out. The teacher implies he’s a peeper and also says get the F out, which Dawson does but not before he trips over an easel. The model seems amused.

At Andie’s house, Pacey is musing over his own butt. Andie is taking her meds. And my goodness, she has a sweet room. It’s got a vanity/powder room-like nook. Anyway, Pacey enters the nook after Andie leaves and pokes through her trash when he sees a medicine bottle. Classy. But I must say this bottle is much better than the first one, as it actually contains information on its label, stuff like what medication it actually is.

Props department have upped their game.

Props department have upped their game.

Only it’s listed as “Zanac” which is not a real medication. This is Zanac:

ZANAC!

ZANAC!

Dawson is now going through the library and the model from art class is there and strikes up a slightly flirty/somewhat hostile conversation. And I know this chick. It’s Rachael Leigh Cook. If you’re my age, you may remember her from such movies as She’s All That or Josie and The Pussycats.

I'm all that.

I’m all that.

Anyhow, Dawson finds out her name is Devon, she’s an actress and college student and looks at nude modelling as an acting exercise. He tells her he’s making a movie, and then reveals he’s still in high school. She’s like, aw, your first movie, how cute, and walks off. He’s like, no, it’s my second movie! My first won an award. And then he’s thinking he may have found his leading lady and gives her his script to read, wanting to know what she thinks. She’s like, “Stronger men have been crushed by what I think.” And on that note she leaves.

At Jen’s house, an attractive young guy named Ty is helps Grams with her groceries and it almost looks like Grams has decided to do some matchmaking, which is strange for a woman who wanted to keep Jen away from the virginal Dawson. Ty, urged by Grams, expresses interest in helping with the movie, and Jen hires him.

In Dawson’s room, he’s rearranging all his favourite Steven Spielberg posters for the movie while Pacey is talking about Andie’s meds. Dawson suggests just asking Andie about it. Pacey says Dawson filming his life story in his own bedroom is perverse.

Outside at night Dawson is setting up a set of some kind and Devon comes up, apparently without having called first, and tells him she didn’t love the script, that it was too angsty and over-analytical, how she had to recall her adolescence. Dawson’s like, yeah, two years ago. Ooh, burn. Anyway, she criticizes the script, Dawson doesn’t want her anymore, she criticizes him and goes to leave, he changes his mind and she auditions.

And she pretty much nails the Joey character. And, horribly, instead of that line Joey delivered after the beauty contest, “It’s just lipstick, Dawson,” apparently the script says, “It’s just cosmetic enhancement.” Jesus. So original wordy Creek prose is made wordier in this script. And this was supposed to be autobiographical in the first place. It’s pretension within pretension. Kevin Williamson probably spent a lifetime re-imagining every conversation he’s ever had. Maybe this whole series is the l’esprit d’escalier of his entire teenage life.

At the Ice House, Joey finds out Jack is helping with the movie too and is like, how does Dawson feel about that? Jack’s like, I dunno. And Joey seems even more disconcerted that Dawson appears to not care.

Devon’s got a table, I guess Joey doesn’t recognize her without her birthday suit, and asks to take her order. Devon stares at Joey and starts mimicking her. Joey’s like, what the actual fuck is this? And she sends Jack over to deal with her instead. Devon then asks Jack to tell her everything he knows about Joey, seemingly unconcerned with appearing like a psycho stalker.

Buzuh?

Y U copying me? Snotty Look 2

At Andie’s house, Pacey pops over and wants to talk about the meds. Andie is evasive at first, then says she started taking the pills when Tim died. She says her doctor won’t renew the prescription as she wants Andie to do therapy instead. So basically a doctor medicated teenage Andie for emotions related to grief and only now is suggesting therapy. Huh. Andie doesn’t want therapy and tells Pacey she’s just fine and can take care of herself.

At Dawson’s house he’s got his cast rehearsing in the makeshift set he was setting up earlier. Chris is Dawson, Devon is Joey and Jen is stepping in to play herself. Dawson doesn’t like the way Chris is playing the role all Don Juan-ish and Joey shows up and watches, looking uncomfortable.

Dawson introduces Devon to Joey. Devon’s very excited, Joey’s very disconcerted. Devon’s like, I think Wade and Sammy are soul mates, transcendent love, foreverness, etc. What do you think? And Joey’s just like, uh… Cue Snotty Look 3.

My face is going to get stuck like this.

My face is going to get stuck like this.

Now at school, they’ve begun filming and there’s tons of equipment and people everywhere… this is really quite the big thing, but I don’t know why everyone is saying they’re short staffed. Looks like the whole school is in on it, unless they’re trying to film during school hours, which how would that even work? Because they’re all amateurs, they are making mistakes and they take a break.

Jen’s trying to keep production rolling, Dawson’s stressing and that Ty guy tells Jen he can’t work well because she’s too close to him and he’s horny.

Jack thinks Joey must be bothered by this whole movie about her life thing (Yes) and she says no, it’s fine (Wrong). Then he says he doesn’t think Dawson’s over her yet because if he was then he wouldn’t be making this movie. Joey’s like, n’ah, he’s over me. But she’s smiling plenty for this first time this episode, so I think that’s what she wants to hear.

Now there’s a montage of them all filming the movie, making errors, Devon spying Joey and copying her, Joey kissing Jack, and Joey getting irritated with Devon.

Because this can happen in high school.

Because this can happen in high school.

After the montage, Jen makes a date with Ty.

Outside, Chris and Devon are asking Dawson to explain why their characters are behaving so strangely. Dawson tells Chris Wade’s pain is an unendingtormenthewillneverescapefromanditstheworstfeelinginthewholeworld. And he tells Devon Sammy feels terrified and misunderstood and that deep down Sammy is just an angry girl. He says all this while watching Joey and Devon catches that and maybe we’re in for some more stalking or something.

Joey is inside organizing something and Devon approaches her, calls her Sammy and wants to know how Joey “does it” since she herself is not angry by nature. Joey’s like, do what? Devon’s like, be angry. And Joey says that’s the fictional part because she’s not angry. Oh, that’s just silly. Just look at all the faces you make. Then Devon asks her how she’s able to date one guy while she’s still in love with another. Joey says “Don’t go there.”

Devon pushes and pushes, Jack shows up and Devon ups the ante and Joey tells her off. Devon observes her reaction and thanks her, then walks off. Joey’s like, shiiiiiit, I’ve been had. Then says, “She’s too short to play me,” and storms off.

Angry Look 4

Snotty Look 4

Inside the school, Andie is berating Devon over the loss of a barrette. Pacey spots her histrionics and takes her away and tries to calm her down. Andie starts calling him expendable, blaming him for vague things. And then she sort of breaks up with him and walks off. So looks like the meds aren’t working.

Dawson finishes filming a scene and he’s super jazzed about how it went. Everyone breaks to prepare the next scene and Joey wants to talk. They go to a class room that has weird-ass posters in it. One says “Improve your vocabulary: real stuff!” You know, as opposed to fake stuff. Another one says “Open it”. No further explanations. The props department giveth and the props department taketh away.

Open it. I dare you.

Open it. I dare you.

She’s pissed because he’s apparently over her entirely and using their experiences for his own gain, and is nothing sacred, and this movie is self-indulgent, etc.

Snotty Look 5.

Snotty Look 5.

Dawson’s mad now, saying she broke up with him, has a new boyfriend and is pursuing her passions and what does he have? Joey says, “A self-obsessed movie.” And he yells how he’s not moved on and this is all he has and he’s out of there with a slam of the door.

At the end of the day, Grams is at the set helping with clean up and she tells Jen how proud she is of her being the producer and says what a wonderful time it is to be a woman because in her day she didn’t have these kinds of options. She then tells Jen to enjoy her date with Ty.

Dawson runs into Pacey, who tells him he got dumped. Dawson tells Pacey to let Andie go. Pacey’s like, yeah, that sounds good but it doesn’t apply to me and my love because she needs me.

Jen’s out with Ty and he invites her to a gathering, and she like, yeah, I love a party! They enter and this looks like a boring-ass party. This guy says, “Hey, Ty’s here! Let’s start!” So everyone sits down. Oh, it’s Bible study. Womp womp.

Party time.

Grams 1: Jen 0.

Pacey shows up at Andie’s house with a rose and she slams the door in his face. I’m thinking back here and all he did to enrage her like this was voice support for her doctor’s suggestion of therapy. Which makes a pretty great case for her needing therapy. So Pacey does what any normal person would do and climbs the vines up to Andie’s room with the rose between his teeth. Obviously.

I'll break my legs for romance!

I’ll break my legs for romance!

Anyhow, this starts a dialogue which gets him into her room once she shows the first sign of a weakening resolve. And they make up. All he needed to do was scale her wall, insist he wasn’t going to leave and tell her that she needed him.

At the school, Chis and Devon are going out for some food and invite Dawson, who says he’s not going to go. But then Devon doesn’t leave with Chris and stays to compliment Dawson on his direction despite his delusional script. Then she leaves.

Joey approaches and apologizes, Dawson acknowledges this movie isn’t as cathartic as he thought it would be. He starts this off with, “The past few months of my existence…” Ugh. Most people would say, “of my life,” but that’s not dramatic enough.

He then says all this time he’s been struggling and was only pretending to be over her. And Joey says, it’s been so hard on me too! And they bond over how hard their unnecessary breakup was. Jesus, kids, this isn’t a complicated long-term marriage that’s failed despite all best efforts. You can actually get back together, you know, because you’re teenagers, you have minimal responsibilities, and you don’t actually have any impediment to rekindling this romance you both obviously miss. This never stops making no sense.

Devon: What I’m saying is I managed to muddle through the $20 words and psycho speak and got to the core of the Sammy character.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 2, Episode 12 – Uncharted Waters

Dawson and Pacey are playing darts in Dawson’s bedroom (no, not a euphemism). Actually, Pacey is playing darts and Dawson is waxing poetic in bed. This is to establish that Pacey is good at darts. Remember this, kids, the information will come in handy later.

where did this come from?

where did this come from?

Oh goodie, they are going on a father-son fishing trip this weekend. As a female, I should really enjoy this episode. Pacey says his dad is kind of a big deal. Then says if he can get a bullseye, the weekend will be awesome. Shockingly he gets a bullseye. Since they hate themselves and fun, they say best 2/3.

Bows and arrows, stars and sunsets hey hey hey hey hey hey hey yeah

We finally get a load of Pacey’s dad and we immediately glimpse the soul of their relationship when he talks in military time (HE MUST BE THE STRICTEST DAD EVR, YO) and says he hopes Dawson will visit Pacey from Hollywood at whatever burger joint Pacey works at. Ouchie papa.

mean dad

mean dad

At good ol’ Capeside High, Dawson tells Joey how awesome Jen is. Joey gets pissy that she isn’t queen of all things. Then Jen shows up and mentions she is helping GAIL (that’s Mrs. Leery to mere mortals like Joey Potter) produce a breaking story about how teenage girls like to shop and Joey gets pissier, and then Jen asks if Joey will be on the show and Joey is even pissier and quite frankly my fingers are tired of typing all the things that Joey is pissy about.

i just have a bitch resting face

i just have a bitch resting face

Surprise, Dawson, Jack is coming on the fishing trip and this oughta be good.

FALL FISHING CLASSIC IT IS EFFING FALL

FALL FISHING CLASSIC IT IS EFFING FALL

Jen is there and so is Abby and Andie because thats all the girls that Jen knows.

And what is this anyway? I thought she was on the news? Like the daily news. This ain’t 20/20, bitches

disappointingly the bottom says school

disappointingly the bottom says school

Jack says call me Ishmael… so that happened. Then Dawson bitches at him. Oh, the tension. How will everyone survive this fishing trip without killing each other?

y u no warn me

y u no warn me

Barbara Walters aka Mrs. Leery asks the gang what the most important issue facing teenage girls. No one answers, and they figure they should do some female bonding and Mom is like: I will let you binge at on candy if you will give me some good dirt for my TV show that they let me work on all day and night when all I am doing is asking a bunch of teens what their take on the world is.

joey no happy

joey no happy

CHOKER

CHOKER

yes, but do the drapes match the…sofa

yes, but do the drapes match the…sofa

awks

awks

Back on the boat, Pacey’s dad asks him to do stuff and Pacey says that sucks and Dad is like: Duh. Life sucks. It’s my job to teach you that.

The girls are eating and listing to chick rock and Abby talks about Dawson’s room like they haven’t all been there… I guess it is the novelty of going up the stairs instead of through the window.

female bonding

female bonding

Jack and Dawson talk about Joey and they both act like they own her and yawn.

Jen and Joey lock Abby in the closet until they find Dawson’s porn (Good Will Humping, for the inquiring minds)

four reactions to porn

four reactions to porn

Something goes wrong with Pacey’s fishing pole so his dad screams at him in front of everyone, wearing giant yellow clown pants. Then Dawson comes and yells at Pacey for bringing Jack and then Pacey is like eff off, my dad hates me and that is the ultimate fucking nightmare, so get over it.

The girls are bonding over porn and talking about Dawson masturbating. Then Abby tells Jen she should be a porn star since she is already a slut, and then Mrs. Leery walks in and they are in trouble… then Abby tells her that her son is a pervert.

Jen asks Joey yet again why she hates her and Joey makes her usual face and calls her disingenuous. And she’s like, Jen quit trying to replace me – girlfriend, producer, collaborator, best friend, mother’s pal…what next? A job at the Ice House?

Dads take the boys to a smoky bar to play pool and darts. Dawson wants to know why Pacey is acting like he’s on the rag, and Jack chimes in and says, duh, it’s because his dad loves you and not him, obvs.

Abby keeps answering all the life-as-teenage-girl questions and Mrs. Leery kicks her out after she calls Jen a hoe bag. Then she says mom is trashy and sleeps around and slams the door.

Dawson wants to bond with dad and see what dad’s plans are and asks him if he is okay for money. Dawson is like why are we fishing when you have no job and no woman and Dad is like, sorry I’m a failure, son.

Pacey informs his dad is that he is drunk-dad, so daddy takes a shot to prove he isn’t and then they toss around some sharp objects. Dad starts getting weirdly competitive and makes a crazy face, so Pacey fucks it on purpose. When we know he can get a bullseye because he was playing darts at the beginning and he gets one more bullseye once dad walks away just to remind us

this is very important darts

this is very important darts

All the girls are now spilling their guts about how they all feel like frauds and all that and Joey makes a sad face instead of the usual cunt face at them and I wonder how this will go to air without these guys getting beat up for saying such wimpy shit. GIRLS GO THROUGH SO MUCH YOU KNOW so let’s sit by a fireplace and talk about our flow and it will all be okay and counterbalance all that fishing and darts.

guts spilling

guts spilling

Jack says I think I am gonna be nauseous (dafuq you talking about) and is like, Dawson, help me please. Dawson wants to know where Jack’s dad is and he’s like he left us.

Pacey’s dad is drunk on the beach. So Pacey has a pretend dialogue with him. And it’s boring as fuck.

And then Pacey cries because he doesn’t love him. And dad looks like a drunk dead gopher.

how much wood could a wood chuck chuck

how much wood could a wood chuck chuck

Next day there is a fish on the line and all the kids are trying to keep it from swimming away.

MUSIC MONTAGE complete with slow motion… on a boat named Reel Action

got it

got it

Mrs. Leery says thanks and Joey says see ya. Mrs. Leery feels sorry for herself because she never had a daughter, but she had Joey, who is her surrogate daughter and she’s proud of her and more sappy stuff and tears and hugging and kissing. Bottom line: Joey doesn’t need to feel threatened.

Abby is still outside, though it is morning, because her mom thought she was staying the night and I guess she never heard of a phone. Abby says she plays a crucial role because she says all the nasty shit everyone was already thinking. Abby is like sorry for being normal. You people have crazy parents and dead parents and shit, but I don’t have anything, so I make things interesting. Then Andie is all: I wish I had what you had, and then Abby is like: But… I wish I had what you had, and then they make out. Okay not actually, Abby makes Mom drive Andie home.

I thought Joey was leaving, but actually she wants to go hang with Jen in Dawson’s room and watch more porn. Joey tries to apologize, and she says she respects Jen and this is supposed to be a huge deal.

Pacey gets a big trophy for reeling in a big fish and dad looks proud of him.

wtf fish..now it is like the size of pacey….

wtf fish..now it is like the size of pacey….

Dawson shakes Jack’s hand. And then Pacey’s dad ruins everything by telling him to enjoy the moment, because he won’t have many more like it.

Dawson is like, I think you are awesome, and so does Andie and though we are not your dad, we care and stuff. He also says Andie is having a perky coronary waiting for Pacey, which is kinda cute, though medically nonsensical (maybe I misheard this? Whatever, I like it this way).

Dawson tells dad thank you for not being Pacey’s and Jack’s dads because I don’t want a dud like they get. Then they hug too.

The end.

Most verbose soliloquy = Pacey, sitting next to passed out, drunk gopher dad: So I guess this is as good of time as any to have that father-son talk. *mean dad voice* So, how ya doin’ in school, Pacey? *Pacey voice* Actually, Dad, I’m doing alright. I’m really turning things around. Turns out I’m pretty smart. *mean dad voice* Good man, Pacey. Always knew you’d turn out to be something. How the ladies treating you? *Pacey voice* Well, I met this woman. *dad voice* Is she cute? *Pacey voice* *laughs* Aw, cute, man. Andie’s beautiful. She’s smart. She’s funny. I tell ya, this girl is something special. For whatever reason, she seems to think I’m pretty special, too… Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you see me, huh? When did you give up on me? When I was 5? 10? 12? I’m 16 years old, Dad! *cries* And I’m here and I’m trying so hard for you. It’s your job. It’s your job to love me no matter who I am or what I become because you’re my father! You’re my dad! You’re supposed to love me, you son of a bitch. I can’t do this by myself.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 2, Episode 10 – High Risk Behavior

Pacey and Dawson are finally declaring their love for one another and let’s all pretend we don’t know it is for his movie. In case you were wondering PACEY is the girl.

bromance

bromance

After reading the unrealistic dialogue. Pacey asks Dawson, How many teenagers do you know that talk like that? I.e. More naval gazing by our esteemed writers. Next, Pacey wants to turn Dawson’s movie into a porn and Dawson is like don’t be so gauche.

Roll credits. (Ever wonder what the random wheat is about? Me neither.)

what's wheat got to do with it got to do with it?

what’s wheat got to do with it got to do with it?

I am happy to report the geese are landing on the lake and it is still fall. Maybe this is where the geese fly to when they go south. Where is Capeside again?

Anyway, Dawson and Jen are handing out flyers so all of highschool can audition for his film. Jen wants to cast some dark and brooding sewer rat, not the guy with the sex appeal of a bucket who Dawson wants.

Pacey got tested for an STD, I think? I musta missed something. Andie is like don’t think just because you aren’t riddled with STDs doesn’t mean I will bang you, and he’s like a-ok, but then she gets sad and wants to make sure he finds her bangable.

Joey is sketching a naked dude while sitting at a picnic table and Dawson is all: isn’t that weird. And Joey is like I seen a lot of dicks, buddy. Then she tries not to act like she cares Jen has replaced her as producer and masturbatory fantasy.

Abby hates on the sad film Dawson is making and this new bad guy (Chris) wants them both to audition.

Jack shows up carrying around an actual glass of water… he looks at the naked dude then spills his chocolate milk (not water, my bad) all over him.

spilled milk

spilled milk

At movie tryouts: a purple girl auditions and it turns out they’re all purple people who are ugly and stupid and gum-chewing and completely unsuitable for Dawson’s masterpiece.

watch out for the one- eyed, one-horned, flying, purple people eater

watch out for the one- eyed, one-horned, flying, purple people eater

…just…no

…just…no

Jack comes to Joey’s locker to say sorry for the milk again. And she is like imma fail my art class over this and Jack is like I will totally drop trou for you so you can draw my dick. She figures the male form is the male form, so how could this go wrong.

Andie is buying her crazy pills (please, no angry letters…actually eff it, angry letter the shit out of me on this one..at least I would know someone was out there) and Pacey so delicately grabs her script and goes through her bag and finds out whoopsie, she’s on Xanax. She throws mom under the bus (claiming they have the same first name—no idea if this is true) Then they get distracted because it’s the condom aisle. Andie wants to buy them just in case.

what is dis

what is dis

Chris the movie star also thinks Dawon’s movie people shoud do it. Dawson is like please, he’s too advanced for sex.

Chris reads and it is way better than any of those others until he gets distracted mouth-raping Abby and she gets mad and all hell breaks loose.

a thank ya

a thank ya

Andie is telling Pacey the combination for her chastity belt, and they talk about sex some more.

Jen calls Dawson out on only writing his own life and for not considering her a main character in his life. Jen fishes for compliments and she wants to talk about sex too and Dawson is like MY MOVIE IS ABOUT ROMANCE NOT SEX. And then I think she implies they shoulda banged.

Joey is set up to paint nakedJack. He tells Joey he can wear a towel if she wants to sketch around “it” for a bit. For some reason he is lying on a bed just like in Titanic instead of sitting like chocolate milk guy.

DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH GIRLS

DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH GIRLS

She freaks out and knocks over the world and he drops his towel and then he’s like, well, you seen it, you might as well draw it.

…just…no

…just…no

And then they talk about how her life is so plain that she never thought she would be sitting around drawing dick all night. Life in the fast lane at its fullest.

She makes small talk and asks what scares him and guess what he says

SEX

I rename this episode RISKY CONVERSATION (ABOUT S-E-X).

Dawson is hanging out in Jen’s backyard in the dark and Pacey and Andie are having a candlelit dinner and nakedJack is confessing he’s no virgin.

Jen says if he gets desperate she can play his leading lady and Dawson is like maybe you should have and she’s like you think?

Joey and Jack talk about how scary sex is… and you know, I hung out with the nerds (sorry Jenn) and we didn’t have such pussy conversations all the time, so someone please tell me who the hell actually does?

Jen goes on a big speech about reasons why people knock boots and then offers to spread ’em for Dawson.

Jack talks about his first time and Joey isn’t even pretending to paint anymore. He then compares teenage fumblings toward sex to Van Gogh. Oops and Monet and a bunch other super-famous artist peeps.

The phone rings and maybe he has a boner or something? Alls I know is everyone looks like something happened when nothing did.

Pacey has Andie blindfolded at a bed and breakfast just like her fantasy deflowering. He explains to her that he’s not there to get some, but to give her her dream night. She doesn’t listen and continues to freak out. He calms her down and they make out in front of the fire someone so thoughtfully lit for them.

fiddle dee dee where could we be

fiddle dee dee where could we be

Dawson is on his computer and puts Joey’s pic on his nightstand.

Jack is apologizing to Joey (for his boner?) and now they were getting nekid in the living room? Even though there was a dresser. Whatever. I guess poor people do weird stuff. Jack makes another pass. And Joey is like this is better when you have you clothes on. So they suck some face.

milk-less art

milk-less art

Rather than jerk off, Dawson instead climbs in Jen’s window and then they start to makeout. And he basically says I’m using you, and she is like haven’t you seen the last season? That’s my wheelhouse.

And she makes this face for many many minutes

And she makes this face for many many minutes

Pacey says he doesn’t want to do Andie because it is not the right thing. He wants to wait until she is ready.

EVERYBODY IS SUCKING FACE

…except Pacey and Andie. They are leaving the B&B holding hands.

The screen legit says “To be continued” uh ya, I know. It’s kinda what happens mid-season during a tv series…

thanks tips

thanks tips

MVA:  Abby: I need some time to process here. My electrical synapses are on overload. My brain says one thing but my heart says something else. That I should consider the unequivocal, possibly damaging, highly irrational, hypnotically scarring, proposition of loving you back.

 

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 2, Episode 9 – The Election

All episodes start in Dawson’s room. It’s the law. Jen is there with him this time, reading something Dawson wrote as he waits in nervous anticipation. When Jen’s done she’s not sure what she’s supposed to say, which doesn’t sound like a good sign. She ultimately calls it “fluff” and Dawson takes it poorly. Then she tries to explain that it’s only fluff because it sounds naive. Oooh, more of that classic Jen diplomacy.

Anyhoo, Dawson wanted her honest critique to be praise and Jen gives him some, but still says it’s irrelevant to modern society. His script talks a lot about being a teenager without having any real edge or pain in it. And I’m wondering if this is the writers of the show being a little wink-wink nudge-nudge about themselves.

And then Dawson calls himself raw and dark, and oh we’re back to a lack of self-awareness. Jen thinks he’s nuts and then says to stop “writing from an adult perspective.” Okay now really. This is definitely the writers taking the piss, right? Anyway, Jen wants to show Dawson how to be a real teenager, and here come the credits.

I’d just like to note that the Netflix opening is super upbeat and fluffy. The show is kinda fluffy. But it certainly seemed so brooding before when it had that Paula Cole number to set the mood… I’m really thinking that the original theme song tricked us all.

srly?

srly?

It’s now Capside High and 7:00 a.m. according to Joey. They’re at school already at 7:00? What kind of unholy place is this? Andie wants to share her late-night epiphany. She thinks that she and Joey should run for president and vice president of the sophomore year. Uh… so each year has its own president? Joey thinks it’s a shit idea because she’s a megajerk and everyone knows it, though she thinks her family history is a bigger detractor than her rude personality.

Inside Pacey catches up with Andie, just in time for Chris and Abby to appear for a few seconds and leave with us learning they’re running for student government. Andie tells him she’s going to run. He thinks it’s a waste of time, but she says he’s going to be her campaign manager. Jen comes out of the bathroom and says hi to Dawson and he says something incoherent about having a fluff-filled irrelevant existence.

Jen wants to cut class. Dawson’s like, nah, I got a quiz. Jen tries to talk him into it and he’s like, yeah, cutting! And she bounds ahead all jazzed and he ducks right into class anyway, and Jen finally realizes he’s not right behind her and feels dumb.

At the Leery house, it’s nighttime and Gail has called Mitch to fix the dishwasher, claiming she didn’t know who else to call (A repairman, maybe?), which he totally didn’t do correctly and water sprays everywhere. It sends Gail into hysterics, but this is all just a plot device to get Mitch to go shirtless and then they start making out in what is an incredibly corny lead-up. They really start going at it, Dawson walks in, looks kinda happy about what he’s seeing and walks back out.

There are water droplets on my muscly muscles.

There are water droplets on my muscly muscles.

At the Icehouse, Joey is calling Jack clumsy as they stack creamers. She inquires into his family and he changes the subject and she calls him on it. But too bad, he ain’t sayin’ jack. Heh.

Abby and Chris walk in and immediately Abby is hostile and demands menus. They’re there to talk campaign stuff and Abby insults the restaurant a few times. I’m wondering how Chris and Abby are even friends. It’s like the writers decided the two “bad guys” would join forces because why not?

Jack’s like, you going to let those two assholes win? He then gives Joey a pep talk about running for student government and Abby listens in and thinks she’s going to nip this in the bud with an unnecessarily cruel speech. She seems to think she’s more well-liked than Joey, but that confuses me too because she’s the only person more unpleasant than Joey, and by a wide margin. In fact, up until now it looked like her only friend was Jen. Joey takes advantage of being essentially unfireable and dumps a pitcher of water over Abby’s head. Abby and Chris leaves and Joey decides to run.

Swish

Swish

Next day Andie and Pacey are talking strategy, and they’re both getting into it. Jen busts up their political love fest to reveal Chris and Abby’s smear campaign. Andie says to ignore it as to not send the wrong message to their voting constituents. Dude, someone needs to tell her student governance doesn’t really matter.

Jen and Dawson are in a store and Jen is saying Dawson needs a “regression sponsor.” Dawson’s not interested in aging down. Jen thinks he needs to shoplift because every teen does it. She says it’s just a chocolate bar, but what she’s holding out for him to steal is a lipstick because by her reasoning she may as well benefit. He takes it and they walk out of the store.

It was the wrong shade!

It was the wrong shade!

And he totally didn’t take it after all and Jen is disappointed in him. Dawson doesn’t seem to care, though. He’s a proud square. Jen says he needs to have a real teenage perspective and stop hiding behind the psychology degree he doesn’t have. Anyway the encounter ends with Jen looking down on him and Dawson feeling insecure, and all because he didn’t want to miss a history quiz or steal a lipstick.

Kenny!

Kenny!

Back at Capeside High, Kenny is giving a campaign speech. Remember Kenny? That guy got no poetic justice last time. They’re all debating the issues, such as Walkmans in study hall. DUDE! Not even Discmans. So old school.

But then Abby takes a minute to call Joey out for having a criminal father, but then tells everyone Andie’s mom is nuts, oh, and probably killed her oldest son. For some reason the principal allows this speech to continue and doesn’t disqualify her on the spot.

Comically evil in her tacky '90s shit

Comically evil in her tacky ’90s shit

Everyone waits to see what Andie will say next and, again, the principal is just standing there waiting for a response (Wtf?) and she stammers with a few tears running down her face and eventually flees the gym. Pacey follows.

Outside, Jack is looking for Andie and Joey is apologizing for digging into his life. Jack doesn’t want to talk about it. Joey presses and says she understands and Jack tells her to get lost.

Adam likes what now?

Adam likes what now?

In the school, Pacey is looking for Andie in the bathroom. On the door is the weirdest sign. What does it mean?! Actually, there’s no real handmade posters at all, just a bunch of uninspired flyers everywhere. Yet again, Dawson’s Creek’s sad attempts at attention to detail turns its strange head (See: Hurricane graffiti)

Pacey finds Andie in a stall and gives her a boost. But she’s lamenting the loss of clean politics (Lady, you’re many decades late. Actually, you’re all the decades late.) And she’s pacing up and down, ranting about normalcy. Pacey says there is no normal. Andie says she’s a mess. Then she throws a book at the mirror and breaks it with a text book that was just hanging out in the sink for some reason.

At Mitch’s loft, Dawson shows up with his dad’s mail, and Mitch is refinishing an antique chair. Dawson wants the goods on whether his parents are reconciling. Mitch says nope, accidental screw with your mom, that’s all that was. He says he needs to stop doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result and that he needs to change his actions.

Dawson’s now at Jen’s saying she’s right, he doesn’t perceive things like a teenager, that his brain is too old and his feelings are too young. So he thinks, like his dad, he needs to change his actions. He now wants Jen’s help. While he’s saying all this, Jen is clearing things out of a closet. We don’t find out why.

All shaky emotions are best played in rocking chairs.

Rocky emotions —> rocking chair

At Andie’s house, she’s rocking in a chair while looking emotionally fragile. Jack comes in and says their mom is in bed. He’s worried about Andie and says he thinks she should go back on her meds. So, she has a diagnosed mental illness and she’s been off her meds and he knows this? And it’s only getting brought up now? Uh, maybe she needs to see a doctor?

Dawson and Jen are now running through the woods after TPing a house. He’s giddy with excitement and now Jen wants to go skinny dipping. And with little effort, she talks Dawson into it, namely by going in first. Like the Offspring sort of said, he may be square, but he’s not a dweeb.

Time to get naked!

Time to get naked!

Can’t help but think of this scene.

Life is full of repeats

Life is full of repeats

Anyway, they splash, Jen flirts, Dawson kisses her and whammo, Jen rejects him. Huge theme in this guy’s life. A girl falls over herself in love with him and as soon as he’s into it, she’s not. Anyway, Jen wants to just be friends and they start splashing again.

Back at Capeside High, Abby and Chris give a PA announcement speech. Seeing as this is just for sophomores, seems kinda weird to broadcast it to the whole school. Abby gets in a final dig at the girls before it’s Andie and Joey’s turn. Andie’s too upset and leaves. Chris hits the road too.

A little more bad '90s fashion before we go.

A little more bad ’90s fashion before we go.

Pacey decides to seek revenge, and he baits Abby into explaining why she’s so awful. He subtly clicks on the PA system and Abby then accidentally tells the school how awesome she is and how stupid they all are. Pacey lets her know she’s been had and Abby looks like she’s pissed herself.

At home Dawson sees his mom has been served with divorce papers and she’s now baking and cleaning the house.

Joey’s locking up the Icehouse and Jack arrives and wants to walk her home and she says sure. He says he’s sorry for yelling at her talks about having to be the rock in his family. Joey offers him her support, which, thinking about it, she never gave to Dawson when his parents were breaking up.

No real information here. Just take two. You'll be fine. Really.

No real information here. Just take two of these. You’ll be fine. Really.

Andie’s at home, washing her face and the phone rings. It’s Pacey. He wants to see her, but she’s not up for it. She takes out a mostly empty, nondescript bottle from a vague-ass pharmacy and says she’ll be her old self tomorrow. She dramatically takes the pills with a shaky hand. So, were those just sitting there in the medicine cabinet? There doesn’t appear to be any doctor supervision over this matter.

Walkin' in like I own the place.

Walkin’ in like I own the place.

Dawson goes over to Jen’s house to talk about his parents getting a divorce. She’s sitting on the floor in the kitchen for some reason, Dawson walks in without knocking and doesn’t ask about why she’s on the ground. He doesn’t know how to react, but Jen lets him cry on his shoulder.

Most Verbose articulation: To expand on Jen’s helpful critique: I’ve read your script; your hyper-awareness is disarming. You’ve got to start responding like an adolescent and stop hiding behind that psychology degree that you don’t have.