Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 12 – Sleeping Arrangements

It’s Jenn. I’ve got a tenuous grip on some episodes. We’ll see how this goes.

Pacey’s on his boat and some blonde I can’t remember approaches him. Thankfully, Pacey says her full name so the audience doesn’t have to think too hard. This is Melanie. She’s all impressed he’s got a job. She says it shatters her understanding of the natural order of the universe. He must find her super hot, ’cause that’s a mad burn and he’s still smiling.

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You may know me from such TV shows as How I Met Your Mother, Once Upon a Time or my episode of Touched By an Angel.

So Melanie has come to tell him that boat he’s living on got sold, and dude who owned it has bought a bigger boat and wants Pacey to sail around the Greek islands with him. Which is much more specific than “Paradise” which is where they went last time. Also it seems this business arrangement might be better organized through a direct phone call, but what do I know about the doings of eccentric millionaires?

Pacey doesn’t seem mega jazzed about this offer and Melanie heads out.

And just so you know, this episode is playing with the Jann Arden theme. I’m pretty disappointed.

At Grams’ house, Jen is getting ready and Dawson is trying to make plans with her, unsuccessfully, while learning that Jen actually wears a lot of makeup, which he never noticed before. Also, he learns that Jen thought his toothbrush was “old” and used it to separate her eyelashes. Yes. She thought the toothbrush that belongs to her boyfriend who recently moved in was “old” and used this “old” and therefore germy-ass brush on her eyes. That’s gross, and a stye waiting to happen.

He then wants to use hers and she’s like, ew, no, that’s my toothbrush. Dawson points out they’ve been sleeping together for three weeks, but no dice, even if she did just ruin his toothbrush. He then pokes through a drawer looking for dental supplies and Jen wigs out, all no, that’s my drawer. I have a child who’s turning 3 tomorrow and I don’t mind saying I’m drawing some behavioural parallels here. Dawson leaves the bathroom looking way less annoyed than I’d be.

Joey’s in a class and the prof wants to talk to her. Some moody-looking blonde guy seems a little fixated. And turns out prof wants to introduce blondie, Elliott, to Joey. Why? No reason. Just to point out that Elliott was checking her out. Inappropriate, much? Boundaries, buddy.

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I need an adult.

Elliott tries to make chit chat and points out they’ve met, and joey gives her classic brush off and leaves. Dude, figuring he’s got nothing to lose at this point, chases after her and offers to walk and get coffee, but no dice. Joey’s Joey and there’s no point.

At the radio station, Jen’s attempting to sound cool on the air and blows it. So she takes a request which winds up being some chick who doesn’t understand how music radio shows work and wants Jen’s advice on her love life for some reason. Who is screening these calls?

The caller says he boyfriend ejaculates too early. Seriously, someone called into a rock radio station and asked this on the air. Who wrote this shit? Jen decides to offer her expertise, though we don’t get to hear what her answer is.

Now Dawson is helping Jack move into the frat house. The room he’s getting is huge and has its own bathroom. He wants to know how he got so lucky and the guy who’s giving the room up says it’s a lottery, luck of the draw thing. Probably that’s not at all accurate.

Buddy’s new roommate helps him move stuff into their new shared room and Jack’s wondering why those two guys are sharing while he gets the big room all to himself.

Audrey’s at work at the restaurant and is applying lipstick while viewing herself in a spoon. Any time anyone has worked in food service on this show, they have completely fucked it up.

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Wait tables? What is this devilry?

And somehow she’s not fired immediately, even after she tells the chef the salmon is gross, says “sucks to be you” and calls him old. Chef Ramsay would have eaten her by now.

The Chef then wants to promote(?) Pacey to breadmaker because their old breadmaker is back in jail(?) and tells him he doesn’t know what he’d do without him, making Pacey’s decision over whether to sail the Greek islands that much harder.

Audrey then comes back to shoot the shit with Pacey rather than work the crowded restaurant. He’s not interested in chit chat.

At Grams’ house, Grams playing Jack’s video game that he left behind, which tickles me to death and brings back fond memories of my mom stealing my Gameboy and draining the batteries to play Dr. Mario when I was a teenager.

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The devil made me do it.

She puts the game down to talk to Dawson about his registration to some film group and he says he didn’t fit in with them. He then tells Grams he knows it must be weird seeing him dating Jen. Grams says she’s come a long way thanks to Jen’s help, and for example she can now say the word “penis.” Might I remind everyone that Grams used to be a nurse? What did she call the penis when she was on the job?

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“Hey Homer, I can see your doodle!”

Dawson says he’ll live by whatever ground rules Grams wants to set, but she says they both know no one can make an honest woman out of Jen, so just be nice to her. Dawson remembers Jen’s on the radio now so he turns on the station and looks like Jen’s music program has become the love advice show. And she gives shitty advice.

So this girl wants to know why her boyfriend of three months is pulling away. Jen says it’s because the honeymoon period is over and men leave, and frequent sex can delay it for awhile, but not indefinitely. You should see Grams’ face for that one.

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Oh hell no.

Jen also advises keeping things to yourself and calls men disasters. I think she’s going to get canned from her job. But then again, this is Dawson’s Creek where up is down, so maybe she’ll get her own show.

Dawson seems perturbed and Grams tries to play it down so as not to lose the only nice boyfriend she’s ever seen her granddaughter date.

Joey’s in the book store and that pretentious professor is there, admitting he’s assigned reading material from his own book and talking about boys flirting with her. This guy is a creep, and Joey loves it because she’s fucking Joey.

Prof humblebrags about how he wrote the book when he was 20 and calls the themes incestuous.

At the restaurant, Pacey’s hanging out in the dining room, all unprofessional-like and Audrey wants to know what’s bothering him. He reveals his job offer. She tells him to stay or go, whatever, and is of no real help.

Back at the frat house, Jack wants to know why buddy gave up his room. Turns out the freshman he was supposed to share with got uncomfortable with sharing the room with a gay guy, left it too late to say anything and now is boarding with buddy, who’s a senior. Jack’s hurt, but I’m thinking the guys all still like him and, hey, sweet-ass big room all to himself. It’s not like he got a bum deal.

Back at the restaurant, Pacey is talking to Chef and trying to quit and Chef’s like, hey, you’re not trying to quit, are you? This always happens on TV. Pacey quits, giving three days notice, and dude takes it pretty well considering he’s only just recently lost another employee due to criminal charges. Chef looks a little like Paul Rudd. But it’s not Paul Rudd. I wish it was.

Audrey saunters into the kitchen to count tips she probably doesn’t deserve and thinks Pacey’s feeling bummed that his boss let him go so easily, and points out he has a life in town now. You’d think she’d have offered this viewpoint prior to him quitting if that’s what she thought.

Audrey then starts flirting with him only to turn around and call him boring. Audrey is such a pain in the ass. No redeeming features. Thinking on it, I think she’s why I quit watching back in the day.

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You want me so bad, and you’re boring as shit.

Audrey reverse throws herself at him, claiming out of nowhere he’d sleep with her, and he calls her bawdy. She says he makes her feel like Bette Midler and I’m cringing from the shitty dialogue.

Melanie shows up, Audrey parts with some awful attempts at wit and Pacey’s out the door too, despite the fact he didn’t seem to have finished cleaning the kitchen. But fuck it, right? He quit!

Jen walks up to the house, and Dawson is waiting outside for her, which is weird when he could have just waited inside sitting on something comfortable. She surmises he heard the broadcast. OH and who called it? Up is down and night is day because Jen got her own radio show to dispense her shitty cynical advice that’ll ruin young relationships all over Boston.

She now wants to know what Dawson has to say, and seems worked up for bad news. But he just wants to go out. She bristles and is all, well, I already told you I’m busy! This chick thinks men leave and doesn’t consider it’s because she pushes them away. It’s maddening. Joey does the same stupid shit. Kevin Williamson is a bitter old tit.

Dawson tells her he’s going to the movies and then he will come home, and she’s free to join him, or she’s free to keep testing him, but he’s a steady guy who doesn’t cheat or leave. Honestly, I’d leave her, though. This shit she pulls got old seasons ago and ain’t nobody got time for that.

At the frat house, Jack confronts the guy who didn’t want to room with him. He calls him out and the guy’s like, I didn’t want people to think I was gay. They get nothing accomplished and Jack leaves the room.

Audrey arrives back at her dorm, complains loudly about waitressing, kicks her shoe off, which hits things on a dresser. Then she crawls into Joey’s bed, despite Joey not really wanting her there. Joey tells her about how she got asked out and said no. Turns out she thought Audrey slept with the guy, but nope, so she turned down handsome brooding Elliott for no good reason.

Pacey takes Melanie back to the boat and they reminisce over their last boating escapade. I’m gonna level with you all. This scene is boring as shit and I’m sort of glazing over it. They make out.

In the morning they’re getting dressed and Melanie’s giving herself the bum’s rush. Personal pet peeve: Her hair and makeup still look perfect. Fall asleep with that much eye shadow on and you’re going to look like a vagrant in the morning, just saying.

At Grams’ house, Jen has replaced Dawson’s toothbrush but has some requests about how he can be less gross to live with. She offers a convoluted BS reason for wearing makeup too: because when she was a little girl she learned to hide herself and cover up for protection. Oh fuck off, you wear it because it makes you feel pretty and maybe not wearing it make you feel not pretty and you want to leave the house looking pretty, like we all do. Not everything has a deep dark reason. 

Joey goes to Elliott’s room and rather than saying, “Hey, so I didn’t want to go to coffee because I thought you slept with my roommate and I figured it’d be too weird,” she launches into this overly verbose web of complete nonsense and mystery without touching on anything of actual importance. He then says, “I didn’t sleep with your roommate.” Him, I like him. Cutting through the bullshit.

She asks him to coffee and he fakes rejecting her before agreeing. She gives him this shitty smile. Seriously, it’s awful.

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What the fuck is this?

At the frat house, Jack drops his keys in front of the senior guy, all dramatic like, and says he shouldn’t live there. He then leaves without any of his stuff, so is he really leaving? The freshman, I think his name’s Eric, chases after him and offers to be his roommate. Jack says he needs to think about it.

At the boat, Pacey is packing and Audrey shows up wearing an ugly hat and wants him to come outside. Oh look, it’s Joey, Jack, Jen and Dawson there to say goodbye. And that’s odd in its own way because this group has been sort of growing apart. They present him with something that looks boat-ish and turns out he’s not going anywhere after all.

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Not a good year for hat fashion.

So, he’s quit his job and has nowhere to live. Sounds like a plan!

The end.

So, just for the record, getting this episode to play was a real pain in the ass and I’m not sure how frequently I can keep this up. Effing Netflix and their fickle catalogue. So! Keep harassing us in the comments to do more and I’ll make it more of a priority, despite the pain-in-the-assery, and maybe even Jen (who lost patience with this show a long time ago) will come back to complain about it once again. Plus there’s still Jensen to come. 

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 4, Episode 5 – The Family Way

Opening scene, the Dawson’s restaurant and Gail is pregnant. They don’t come right out and say that in the dialogue, but the episode’s title is rather obvious and on TV women only vomit if they’re with child, which is what Gail apparently spent the morning doing.

Dawson and Mitch want Gail to see a doctor, but Gail wants to run the restaurant. They eventually talk her into leaving, though, and while they discuss her illness, the waitress (Gretchen) is like, uh, she’s totally pregnant. And I can understand Dawson not seeing it, but Mitch supposedly has seen this before. Come on, man, get with it.

Say what now?

Say what now?

When Gail comes back, the three of them stare at each other stupidly until the opening credits start.

At the Leery house, Gail’s pregnancy test is positive or “pink” (no high tech tests 15 years ago I guess). Mitch is happy, Gail seems shocked and Dawson nonchalantly walks off without a word, perhaps to sulk like a wiener. You’d think 18 would be old enough to cope with a new sibling, but I guess not.

But I'm the baby!

But I’m the baby!

When he’s leaving, claiming he’s late to paint a house, Mitch is like, uh, aren’t you going to say anything? After a pregnant pause (Heh) Dawson gives a lame congratulations, and thus having rained on his parents’ big news, he hits the road.

At Joey’s house, she and Pacey are making out and he stops things and wants to watch TV. Turns out he’s tired of Joey always calling the shots on how long they’ll make out, so today he wants to decide. Joey wants to know if this means they’re having a fight. As the girl, only she may cease physical intimacy.

At a soccer field, Andie and an injured Jack are going to coach a children’s team because Andie somehow doesn’t have enough activities going on. She blathers about moulding young minds before admitting it’s about looking good to colleges. Nothing she ever does is for altruism or personal passion. Just looking good to universities. Awesome.

Andie introduces herself to the kids, who before this game had apparently never laid eyes on her before (How did she get this gig? Usually some hardcore sports parent takes over). She gives the sort of pretentious speech that kids hate, and they all groan. Jack jumps in, acts like a normal person, the kids like him and everyone’s happy. Except this kid named Molly who doesn’t want to be there ’cause she hates soccer.

At the Brooks house, Dawson is brooding and lollygagging and the old man wants him to work faster. This is the man whose boat Dawson stole to save his friends a couple episodes ago. After telling Dawson to keep his teenage angst to himself he picks up his photographs and starts offering harsh critiques. He tells him to put more emotion into his work and Dawson holds his temper and keeps painting the house.

In the cafeteria– So, I guess it’s tomorrow now– Joey is mulling over sex stuff with Jen. Basically she’s overthinking the whole thing. She wants to do it but doesn’t know if she’s ready and she’s agonizing about how you’re supposed to just know. She’s 17, in love, lived with the guy in question for months on a boat without doing anything, but still waiting, waiting, waiting.

But HOW do you KNOW?

But HOW do you KNOW?

Maybe I’m just too far removed from this stage of life to take this seriously, but it kinda seems like a no-brainer to me. Just do it already, use a condom, call it a day.

Jen, having been down this road before a few times, offers some sage advice: No one knows if they’re really ready, but you can still be prepared. Go to the free clinic, get sex advice and contraception. Good stuff, Jen. Joey looks happier.

The Leerys are in a waiting room that does not look at all like it’s for a doctor and they’re talking about the pregnancy. Mitch is all onboard, which is hunky dory since it’s not his 40-something body about to make life, and Gail lists her concerns and says where she’s at right now, she wouldn’t keep the pregnancy if she made the choice today. Mitch looks sick to his stomach. Maybe it’s good she told him in public so he wouldn’t make a scene, which I can’t help but think is coming.

On the soccer field– hang on. Joey and Jen were just in the cafeteria. Now we’re back to coaching kids soccer? Is this a new day of soccer? It can’t be the same game. Wait. They’re wearing the same clothes. Why aren’t they in school? Why is Dawson painting instead of in school? Whatever.

So this 28-year-old sister of Molly starts hitting on Jack, even when she learns he’s 18. She’s almost 30 and wants a teenage high school student. When she realizes she’s making him uncomfortable, she compounds it by making her flirtations more overt. Jack tries to spit out that he’s gay, but can’t seem to.

I like 'em barely legal.

I like ’em barely legal.

Dawson’s talking about photography with Gretchen and won’t stop snapping her picture, which seems wasteful as this is film we’re talking about. He alludes to being a genius in the making and doesn’t watch out for traffic while prancing around with his camera on the road.

Dawson sits down with her on a bench and says he’s upset about his mom’s pregnancy because their relationship doesn’t seem stable enough and they’re in debt. Well, that’s a nice normal reason. I was thinking he might have sibling rivalry, which shows how much credit I give this character.

Gretchen then turns Dawson’s attention to his mom, and how she must be feeling and that seems to get through to him pretty quick.

At the clinic, Joey is being seen by a nurse to talk some sex stuff. And this woman is the worst. She starts immediately and abruptly on this fear campaign about all the shit that can go wrong. Then when she sees she’s wigging Joey out she’s like “These aren’t even the hard questions!” Then she stops asking her stuff altogether and tells her sex can be fun if you’re responsible, and hands her a bag of condoms and spermicide.

On her way out, Joey’s stopped one more time by this nurse who commands her to smile. The fuck? You just talked to her about AIDS, it’s not like she’s at the B&B scaring off customers. She doesn’t have to smile.

And check out this poster in the background:

"Sex can be a real scream". Better than that nurse's mantra of sex will leave you pregnant with AIDS.

“Sex can be a real scream”.
Better than that nurse’s mantra of sex will leave you pregnant with AIDS.

On the soccer field, Jack is complaining about Caroline, Molly’s skeevy sister who was coming onto him. Andie says tell her you’re gay. Jack says since he’s working with kids, he doesn’t want it to be an issue and he’s not interested in being a gay rights crusader over it. Sometimes I forget how far we’ve come in just 15 years because it never occurred to me that was the reason he didn’t tell her he was gay.

At the Leery house, Dawson wants to talk to his parents about his reaction to the news. He says it’s exciting, but Gail and Mitch tell him they’re not having the baby. And I was wrong, Mitch is not making a scene, but Dawson is certainly not taking it well. I don’t know how well boys are attuned to women’s reproductive rights when they’re 18, but still.

Gail is obviously saddened, and said she suspected she was pregnant for a little while but didn’t want to face it before as she knew how she’d deal with it. Dawson is complaining because he is trying to be supportive, but seems to not grasp that maybe his mom could use some support for her choice.

He asks his dad incredulously, “And you agreed to this?” Dude, it’s not really a matter of him agreeing to let it happen, it’s more that he’s not going to attempt to impose his will upon his wife, which is not his legal right to do anyway.

Gail tearfully apologizes and ends the conversation and leaves.

In the morning, Mitch comes up to tell a sulking Dawson breakfast is ready and that Gail is sorry Dawson is unhappy. Dawson wants to know what his dad thinks, expecting him to be mad too. Mitch is more enlightened and says it’s her body, her choice and he doesn’t want her to be pregnant if she doesn’t think it’s the right thing for her. So that’s nice.

Dawson’s like, but what if it’s the wrong decision? Buddy, like you’re the one to be able to gauge that, ye who will leave the house in less than a year and will be making no commitments.  Mitch gives him a nice talk about being happy with the family you have, and hopefully Dawson will stop being such a dick about this.

At the Potter B&B, Bess has discovered Joey’s new stash of contraceptives. Womp womp.

On the soccer field, Caroline approaches Jack and asks him out. Andie first pretends to be his girlfriend, then pretends Jack has a girlfriend who’s a black belt, then just gives up all pretences but cockblocks all the same. Or boxblocks. Not sure what the terminology is when you prevent a creepy grown woman from hitting on a gay high school student.

But Jack does tell her he’s gay, finally, and she then acts like she knew it all along and makes a quick exit.

Dawson meets up with Gretchen to talk about his mom’s pending abortion. Omg… like Gail needs her private business discussed outside the family. This guy has no sense of boundaries sometimes; he thinks it’s all about him.

He tells Gretchen he’s not handling it well and then realizes she’s had an unwanted pregnancy before. She tells the story, which ends in her choosing abortion but miscarrying before she can do it. This always happens on TV (Kind of like how every birth begins with water breaking in public). The abortion rarely ever actually happens, even when it’s decided on. Just a public service announcement here, but it’s a really common procedure and though you may not be aware of it, statistically you likely know several women who’ve had one. It’d be nice if one show had the balls to tell this story.

Dawson thanks Gretchen for trusting him with her story and says he won’t tell anyone. Too bad he doesn’t have this same respect for privacy with his own mother.

At the B&B, Bess makes a snarky remark about Joey being up all night. Joey calls her out. And right there in front of what looks like paying guests at the table, they get into a family dispute about Joey having sex.

Eventually it gets so heated the guests leave the table and it’s a good thing Yelp wasn’t invented yet, though I’d love to read those reviews after this.

At a soccer game, apparently two boys aren’t coming back because Jack is “dangerous”. Sigh. Caroline’s an asshole. Molly’s a nice kid though, and tells Jack she knows he’s not dangerous, and they’re just jerks.

Outside, Bodie takes Alexander over to Joey and they talk about sex. I don’t think I’d get into this with my brother-in-law, personally. I must say, he certainly seems pretty chill about the shitshow in front of the customers.

At the Leery house, Dawson wants to talk to his parents. So he turns off the TV show they were watching without asking first. I’ve never known a conversation to go well after that kind of a dick move.

He tells her before she go ahead with her choice he wants her to know she’s a great mother and he’s proud of her, which is a beautiful thing to say, but maybe he could have told her that a long time ago instead of as a way to guilt her out of an abortion.

At the… lighthouse(?) Joey and Pacey are making out. Does Pacey live in the lighthouse? Anyway, Pacey puts a stop to their making out and Joey calmly accepts it this time. She says she’s not going to get talked into sex with this reverse psychology, then she sort of reveals that she went to the free clinic.

Pacey now feels bad and says he doesn’t want to pressure her to do things she doesn’t want to do.

Nuts.

Nuts.

Then Joey’s like, even though we’re not having sex, there’s certain things we could do. And that sounds like a segue to third base, but she just says “kissing.” Pacey tickles her instead.

On the soccer field, Jack wonders if he should quit coaching and laments saying he was gay. Andie gives him a pep talk, only her tone suggests she thinks he’s making a big deal out of something small, when really… not so much.

At Mr. Brooks’ house, Dawson is still painting, in the dark, and the old man comes out to belittle him and his new photos. But then he comes upon one he likes and we the viewers don’t get to see which one he’s talking about. It’s a of a woman. So either Gretchen, Joey or Gail. Please let it not be Joey. That would just be too stupid.

And it's Gretchen.

And it’s Gretchen.

Well, that’s a relief.

And now there’s a musical montage. Bess and Joey are washing dishes and making up. Dawson’s developing more shots of Gretchen. Jack is walking alone at night on the soccer field. Gail’s looking through Dawson’s baby book.

The end. I think we can all guess she’s not going through with the abortion.

MVA: Joey. Let me get this straight: Your girlfriend offers you her lips in the spirit of teenage lust and you’d rather sit here and watch the E! True Hollywood Story on Danny Bonaduce for the fourth time?

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 3, Episode 22 – The Anti-Prom

Opening scene, Joey and Dawson are walking home together and Joey’s complaining about finals. Both are acting all normal-like, as though they both don’t know Joey wants in Pacey’s pants.

Dawson reminds her of a pact they made to go to junior prom. I don’t really know what a junior prom is. My school had a formal and a semi-formal. Those were all the special dances to be had at my school. You went to formal if you graduated. You went to semi-formal grade 11 and up. What is this junior prom? Americans and their complicated dance seasons. No high school on TV seems immune from these things.

Joey doesn’t really want to go, but bows to the pressure from Dawson, who promises things like friendship and moving forward.

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I don’t really wanna…

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But you’re gonna anyway because guilt!

She says he’s not allowed to buy her a corsage or wear a ruffly tuxedo shirt. This not being 1976, I don’t know how much threat there was of that last one anyway. But they’re interrupted by Gail and Mitch’s out-of-the-blue makeout session spilling into the outdoors.

Credits.

Back to the Leery house, Joey makes a quick exit and Gail leaves to go to the restaurant. Mitch wants to talk to Dawson about what he just saw and Dawson’s like, meh, your relationship’s been screwing me up for years, so now I’m numb and don’t care. Mitch does make sure to let his son know that so far it’s nothing serious between he and Gail. Thanks, Pops.

At Pacey’s, Andie is there studying and gets the feeling Pacey would rather her go, even if he’s not telling her to. He admits he’s feeling sad, and Andie says he should go to prom. And then not so casually suggests he could go with her. Because when your best friend hates you and the girl you’re in love with has abandoned you, the prom with your ex-girlfriend is the answer! Of course!

Pacey asks if she doesn’t have a date and she says she’s “sifting through offers.” Pfft. No one that annoying could possibly have more than one asshole interested enough to go. Pacey tells her it’d be better to pick one of those other guys instead of him.

Joey’s complaining to Bess about the romantic complications of going to prom with Dawson, and Bess is like, D’uh. Joey tells her sister that she’s been giving shit advice lately, and Bess tells her to first stop giving her shit problems.

At lunch in school, Andie’s whining that Pacey didn’t ask her to prom and that she’ll have to go alone, which is terribly humiliating. Ah, made-up suitors. Was there any doubt? Jack’s like, well, better go alone than with the ex you’re not over.

But ex-boyfriends are so safe!

But ex-boyfriends are so safe!

But Jack’s got bigger problems than his sister’s drama. He’s bringing Ethan to the prom “as a friend” and the theme of the prom is “couples” so you have to alert the prom people to whom you’re bringing, or something. Jack’s not so keen on formally announcing he’s bringing a dude. And since this can still cause a ruckus in plenty of schools today, 15 years ago I’d say that is no small matter.

But Andie, being a self-absorbed twat, is like, yeah? So? Why do you care what people think? Because the difficulties being an out teen is just about caring “what other people think” whereas Pacey not wanting to ask her to prom and going alone is the deepest of humiliations.

Outside, Jen is complaining about the cliche that is prom, which really is the biggest cliche of them all. After her rant is over, Henry calls her on never having been.

But I'm so edgy!

But I’m so edgy!

And then he’s like, you asking me to go? And she’s like yeah. Jesus, don’t go into sales, Jen. Terrible pitch. He says he’d love to, only proving the power of his libido and not of Jen’s smooth moves.

In the lunch room, Jack’s attempting to buy tickets from a girl on the wrong side of history named Barbara, who informs him the definition of a couple is a boy and a girl and that him bringing a boy will cause a spectacle and ruin everyone’s fun. Because the death of any amazing party is always caused by attractive gay men.

Jack manages to keep his cool while Barbara goes on a pearl-clutching tirade about two men dancing or having their photo taken together. She says she’ll check with the head of the prom committee first before selling him his tickets.

Dawson goes to buy his tickets and Barbara makes him state his own name, even though she knows it. She finds out he’s taking Joey and goes, “Aw, happy couple back together?” Pacey is sitting nearby and he and Dawson exchange a look.

Outside, Andie and Joey are discussing ways to get Barbara in trouble and get Jack to prom, but he doesn’t want to go anymore. He wants to have fun, not be a political stance. Andie’s like, too bad, you’re a political stance. Fight!

But Jack’s not up to it and then the girls say they’re not going, Joey taking an easy out of this prom with Dawson thing. Dawson gets a brief panicked look on his face before saying they’ll throw an “anti-prom”. I think this plot line is on every teen show at some point.

Dawson suggests the anti-prom to his parents, figuring it could be at the restaurant. He says the ticket sales would offset the costs. Not in the real world they wouldn’t, but this is TV world where Pacey can suddenly fix wedding cakes and after-parties for school plays are well-funded by mysterious sources.

They agree to this idea, and then mosey about the kitchen of the restaurant while chefs behind them work very slowly. Mitch wants to talk about their relationship, Gail doesn’t.

At school, both prom tickets are being sold side by side, despite one not being a school-sanctioned event. And Dawson’s prom banner reads– I kid you not– “Subvert the dominant paradigm!” Well now, doesn’t that sound like fun?

Stick it to the man! Half price!

Stick it to the man! Half price!

Some punky looking kids are buying tickets to the alternative prom and Barbara calls them the dregs of society. Andie and Jack tell her she’s narrow-minded and her outfit sucks. Barbara says at least she’s not going to Hell. Andie, in her first moment of likeability makes an ooooh face and does jazz hands.

Hell schmell!

Hell schmell!

At Jen’s house, Grams is fitting Henry with appears to be her dead husband’s old suit. When she hears her tea kettle, she leaves the room and Jen wants to talk to Henry about prom sex. Henry’s eye light up. Ooh, sex! But Jen wants to choose not to do it. Henry’s like, yeah, fine, cool. Even though a few episodes ago he was Horny Henry.

But then he’s like, uh, we are going to do it eventually, though, right? And Jen doesn’t answer him, but gives him a kiss. That kinda sounds like a no there, buddy.

Pacey stops by Andie’s place and finds out she’s going to alternative prom alone. And with some debonair resignation, he asks her to go with him and she accepts.

Prom night comes, Dawson picks up Joey and presents with her his mom’s diamond earrings on loan in lieu of a corsage. Maybe I’m a curmudgeon but all I can think of is if they were cleaned first. Joey’s less germ-conscious than I am, or more confidant of Leery hygiene practices, and puts on the earrings.

Film!

Film!

Bess takes their picture and I’m briefly nostalgic for the time you had to wait to see what a picture would look like till after it was developed and then ask your friends for one of their doubles.

But then I realized this supposed snap shot makes no sense because they’re not looking into the lens.

At the alternative prom, Gail notes the crowd is “interesting” and Mitch asks her to lock the cash register. Ah, small town people.

Jack and Ethan are sitting at a table and Jack is sulking about something and doing a poor job of showing his date a good time. Everyone shows up, and Andie looks like Tilda Swinton. Dawson and Joey immediately get up to go dance, and Joey and Pacey make sad eyes at each other across the room.

Lavender eyeliner is not a good look.

Lavender eyeliner is not a good look.

Jen and Henry dance and have a stilted awkward conversation about sex.

Jack and Ethan talk and Jack learns Ethan never went to prom with a boyfriend or did anything like this when he was younger. Jack is pissed because he feels tricked into making a stand when he didn’t feel ready.

Henry reveals to Jen he’s going to an 8-week football camp in Cleveland for the summer. Dude, how much would that cost? God, I feel so old because that’s the first thing I thought. Jen’s mad and is like, forget about us having sex tonight! And Henry’s like, I thought we weren’t having any? Jen’s like, that’s just what you say! Of course there was a chance; this is our prom! Henry’s like, oh, nuts.

Joey picks a fight with Dawson about him parading her around in front of Pacey and giving him looks. Dawson’s mad Pacey is there in the first place, but he simmers things down so as not to upset Joey, however, she wants out of there and leaves the dance floor.

She runs into Jack, who’s feeling crummy about how he treated Ethan. Joey’s bummed she’s in the middle and no one’s friends right now.

Mitch and Gail are dancing and talking about their relationship and Mitch gets terse and wants Gail to say what she wants out it. Then he leaves her on the dance floor.

What the fuck is wrong with these people? Dropping these verbal bombs and abandoning their dates, sometimes mid-dance? Real people don’t pull that shit. No one leaves that juicy of a conversation hanging in the air like that, especially not teenagers and emotionally stunted adults.

Joey finds Pacey and asks him to dance. Oh, this will go well. Andie’s already spotted them and looks sad.

Pacey trashes Gail’s diamond earrings and praises the bracelet Joey has on instead, which was her mother’s. Ooh, such obvious subtext.

Now Dawson sees them in this intimate dance embrace, and there’s sad Andie again. Jesus, that makeup is shit. Let’s look at it again.

Like a pastel clown.

Like a pastel clown.

Joey looks up and sees Dawson, who can’t take the imagery anymore and runs out. Joey chases after him.

And while she’s saying it shouldn’t matter who she dances with if they’re there as friends, Dawson’s like, hell no, this isn’t about friendship, obviously I wanted more! And then it’s laid out, she’s going to have to pick. He kisses her and… walks away.

Okay, seriously? No one would do that.

It’s like the writers don’t know how to realistically conclude a fucking conversation.

At Jen’s house, Jen breaks up with Henry. Well, there was a relationship that never had a chance anyway,

Jack catches up with Ethan at the train station, still in tuxes. Did Ethan just leave after that argument? Jack wants to know what the status of their association with each other is. Ethan asks Jack to kiss him if he’s ready. He says, “No cameras, no television network to cut to commercial.” Was that a dig at censors or the network? Well, regardless, the show didn’t go for a gay kiss and Ethan walks away while Jack looks sad.

Pacey is apologizing to Andie for taking her to prom without really wanting to take her. Andie’s not mad just bummed out. Pacey reveals his plan for the summer is to sail his boat to Key West. He’s, like, 16. I think if I had told my family I’d be doing something like that for the summer when I was that age, they’d have laughed in my face.

Andie implores Pacey not to leave without telling Joey first. Andie’s done a turnaround this episode. Too bad she looks like ass.

Joey returns the earrings to Dawson and says she can’t choose. Dawson’s like, okay, I’ll wait. Well, that was easy. They watch Gail run into the house. And Gail and Mitch patch things up and they’re back together.

MVA: Jen’s rant about prom: “Is there a more ridiculous and embarrassing ritual than the prom? The way that it totally reenforces traditional gender roles, rewards the cool kids, punishes the geeks. I mean, the pressure that this one single night exerts on the common teenager to make hollow awkward romantic gestures like pinning a cheap corsage on taffeta, having drunken sex with some guy whose name you won’t even remember and then puking in the back of some cheesy-ass rented limo. I mean, it’s all just so overwhelming.”

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 3, Episode 17 – Cinderella Story

Argh, I think I know what the Creek writers feel like. Again deadline looms and I have neither the time nor the heart (or would it be “stomach” in this case?) to churn out something witty and insightful. Not for such a piece of shit show.

Anywho, back on the creek, Pacey is driving Joey to her date with AJ from college. Pacey makes sure we all know this episode’s theme is fairytales by saying it 11 million times while describing Joey’s long distance relationship. He rains on her parade a bunch and drops her at the train.

we are such a bad match romantically

we are such a bad match romantically

Credits

Apparently now it is the Dawsons who have a restaurant, and Dawson and mom are doing restaurant things like tasting the food (which sucks). Andie and Jack show up and talk a lot while actually saying nothing.

Pacey meets his 9-year old punishment for whatever mischief he was last in. Kid’s name is Buzz. Pacey says the word “ass” in front of the kid and no on cares. Then the kid changes Pacey’s name to “Pissy” and this kid talks just as brilliantly as all these silver-tongued teens.

more like buzz kill

more like buzz kill

Meanwhile in Boston, AJ sent his gal pal to pick up Joey and for some reason Joey thinks this makes the plot line Kafka-esque… which is really effing rude, even for Joey. Getting a ride from the train with a friendly, clean looking blonde is… scary? Horrible? Absurd? Did I miss the part where she woke up as a giant fly or some shit?

absurdly pretty, maybe?

nightmarishly pretty, maybe?

The kid blackmails Pacey into buying him Pokemon cards. Then the kid bets someone with a whack-a-mole bat thingie and Pacey carries him out.

At the cafe, Joey makes out with AJ, and the girl friend (Morgan) gets grossed out and I am with her. And bored and uncomfortable.

A pigtailed Jen shows up to the Dawson taste test extravaganza. She wants a waitress job, a position she will only get by guilting her friends because she has no experience and even less skill.

What I lack in skill I make up in cute

What I lack in skill I make up in cute

Joey apparently fell down or something because AJ is tending her wounds. He needs to decide what reading to do at his book launch or whatever this special event is. His thesis? I drifted off, sorry. It is important, anyway. She is fixated on his friend, and even though he is clearly in love with his gal pal, he promises her that she has nothing to worry about, which means she definitely definitely does. Then he kisses it better and ew. Just ew.

Nurse AJ

Nurse AJ

Morgan comes bursting in. She calls AJ Arthur and starts making fun of his clothes. By Creek terms they are basically married

Pacey teaches kid to paint and then the kid teaches Pacey about this thing called life. He tells him that his Dad died at sea and is fishfood and Pacey almost feels bad for him, but then the kid starts being a dick again.

babysitting is hard

babysitting is hard

Joey finds out Morgan is a graffiti artist. And Joey seems to have a bit of a girl crush. Then Joey finds out they kissed once. Yowza. Joey invites her to the opening thingie.

Back to the cook try-outs at Dawson’s restaurant. Jen throws some food on the floor and Dad shows up to help. Something awkward happens between the parents.

The kid gives Pacey more shit and I think it is supposed to be endearing.

At the reading thingie, he reads his poem or whatever, and Joey realizes he is for-suresies in love with Morgan.

look of love

look of love

recipient of love

oh noes

oh noes

Pacey is having a talk with the woman at the mentorship place because he wants to ditch Buzz. He finds out daddy isn’t dead but started a new family. Pacey hears this and decides to stay on with him.

Dawson’s mom is pissed that Dawson called his dad for help.

derp

derp

On the weird group date, Joey wants to get AJ to his room. They leave Morgan by herself on the street at night awkwardly, then in the hall Joey tells AJ to go to Morgan because he should share such an important night with her. They have a looooong talk about their relationship (I mean really long). Then they break up and the music swells.

Back at Buzz’s house, Pacey makes him some dinner as Buzz lips him and then tells him how to make meatloaf. Then Buzz spontaneously confesses the truth about his father. Then he tells the 9-year-old that he wants to pork Joey.

Joey is stranded at the train station until the morning, and rather than sleep on a park bench she calls Pacey.

Jen and Dawson are shooting the shit on the dock. They are both in the doghouse with mommy dearest as she fumbles her way through restaurant ownership. Jen calls him on trying to get his parents back together like a 10-year-old. Jen says his family is in his bones and they reminisce over the people they used to be way back in the beginning of the series, and another long moving, musically backgrounded conversation ensues.

Pacey and Joey bicker at the train station because she doesn’t want to tell him why she needed him to come get her.

Morning at the restaurant, Dawson wants a heart-to-heart with momma. Turns out Papa is there too. He was hired as a general manager and good thing a man swooped in and saved the day, and they also booked Bodie so he could work nights at the restaurant after working days at the B&B.

Cue a folksy song as Joey and Pacey take a nice drive down a tree-lined road. Joey cries in the corner and says Pacey was right—there was another girl. Joey says that she is never meant to find love because she is 16 and alone. Joey says Pacey and Dawson are the only people who have known her. Pacey pulls over and she screams “Have you totally lost it?” He wants to know if this means he can bone her. Then he kisses her and fade. to. black.

makeout city

makeout city

MVA Buzz: “A cop! That explains your authority issues.” “Child abuse! Let go of me you hypocritical maniac!”

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 2, Episode 20 – Reunited

There were six in the bed and the little one said...

There were six in the bed and the little one said…

Oh, how cozy. Everyone’s in Dawson’s room watching a movie. He calls attention to how strange it is that they’re all together. Andie’s like, Yeah! Just like St. Elmo’s. Joey, ever the optimist, says, St. Elmo’s from Hell, and then she calls her inappropriate comment “honesty.” Then they start discussing if they’re all really friends or not. Jesus. Count me out of that party.

Apparently this gathering was accidental. Joey and Dawson are a thing, so she’s just always there. Pacey was invited, who invited Andie, who invited Jack. And Jen? Well, she lives there now since Grams gave her the boot for publicly hating on God last episode.

But whatever, a pillow fight erupts, coating Dawson’s bedroom with feathers.

Screen Shot 2014-09-07 at 11.57.53 PM

Who is going to clean this shit up?

At school, Andie’s sporting a new hair colour and determines Pacey hates it when he has a shocked look on his face. He tries to make plans with her, but she’s busy with school and her off-the-deep-end mom (Didn’t they hire that nurse?) and declines. She’s perusing this bulletin board of activities, which I think is a weird thing to do as you’re turning down dates with your boyfriend because your schedule is too full. She then flips out on Pacey about a textbook and storms off.

Inside the school, Andie is dramatically looking through her locker for that textbook and sees this cute guy staring at her. She smiles. Now, who could this be?

Screen Shot 2014-09-08 at 12.05.37 AM

Yo.

Outside, Dawson and Joey are making plans for the weekend. Joey says they’ve watched movies together for the last four Fridays. So is this four weeks after Abby died? Because that’s the night they got back together. And shortly thereafter is when Jen got kicked out. So… four weeks she’s been at Dawson’s so far then? And this is not the main storyline? Yeah, okay.

Anyhoo, Joey says their relationship is predictable because they’ve known each other so long. And it’s their one-month-anniversary. Aha. Yes. Time continuity. I do not take such things for granted in Capeside.

Dawson tells Joey they’re boring and trite people who can’t be spontaneous. Pitch that woo, Dawson. Shit, you’ve had her back for a month, so now’s the right time to get comfortable, obviously. Pee with the door open while you’re at it. Don’t change your socks.

Boring and trite, my ass.

Boring and trite, my ass.

But no, he’s just kidding, he made reservations somewhere nice and says it was supposed to be a surprise until Joey got “persnickety.” She says she’s not persnickety.

No, I think he's right.

No, I think he’s right.

It’s evening now and Jen is sitting outside the Leery house, and Gail is suggesting Jen could call Grams. In my world that’s a hint to patch things up and move out. Jen’s like, n’ah, we have nothing to say to each other, which seems immaterial when you’re two years from graduating high school and expecting to live on the good will of your ex-boyfriend’s mom indefinitely.

Jen says maybe it’d result in her moving back in, but maybe Grams just isn’t mean to be in her life. Uh… you’re a minor, she’s family, and she doesn’t abuse you. Stop freeloading and go home! Gail offers her a girls night in, giving her the daughter treatment, so maybe in her loneliness she’s not looking for Jen to move out.

Mitch and the film teacher are out on a date and she kisses him, and he calls it unexpected. She’s like, we’ve been out on several dates, so things should progress. He calls himself a teenager about this, and if that was their first kiss after all this time, I’m think he’s outta touch, as he’s got teenagers under his old roof who’ve been getting more action than that.

Inside the restaurant, Dawson and Joey show up and there’s no table because despite this Entre Nous being the swishiest place in town, they were unable to grasp the concept of two separate Leery parties. Mitch and Dawson spot each other and we all know where this is going.

A dinner... with my dad? ...and his DATE? dun dun dun!

A dinner… with my dad?
…and his DATE?
dun dun dun!

Now over to Andie, who is not studying at all. She’s in therapy. The therapist says she’s going through complicated grief for her brother, triggered by the loss of her beloved friend Abby Morgan. Uh…

The therapist asks if she’s hallucinated seeing Abby again and Andie says no. She then tells Andie she may need meds for her anxiety again because something in her may not be healing properly– is that something you should say to someone suffering from anxiety? And hang on now. Who was that guy she saw in the hall? Dude, was that her dead brother Tim?

Andie leaves the therapist’s office and gets into her car. And there’s that guy sitting in there and since Andie’s not scared, I’m going with it being Tim. He asks if Andie told the therapist about him, which you’d think a hallucination would know. She says no, then flips out and starts sobbing in imaginary Tim’s arms (They haven’t said it’s him, but let’s be serious, it totally is.)

But, actually, all I can think of is how much this look to anyone who’s seeing her sobbing and cuddling no one in the car?

First rule about seeing people who aren't there is don't talk about Fight Club.

First rule about seeing people who aren’t there is don’t talk about Fight Club.

At the Leery house, Jen is asking Gail personal questions about her failed marriage and lonely Mrs. Leery is going for it. She says you can’t connive love, it has to come to you. Jen asks if she’s going to take that job in Philadelphia and Gail says she’s waiting on a sign. Does the network know that? I’m going to hazard a guess that fancy media jobs don’t stay available indefinitely while you find yourself.

But never mind that, the pot roast’s burning.

At the restaurant, a very awkward meal is happening for reasons I don’t fully understand. You’d think Dawson and Joey would have just gone somewhere else. But they’re all together and the film teacher, Nicole, is suggesting she call up one of her many contacts for Dawson to intern in Hollywood over the summer. Dawson’s not having it and asks, “Isn’t that the city you said would, and I quote, eat me for breakfast?”

And the conversation goes downhill from there, and Dawson’s like, you thought my film was shit until you started dating my dad and now you want to help me go to Hollywood? And she’s like, well, there are other kinds of jobs there, and he’s all, so you don’t think I’m creative then, got it.

A waiter comes to take their order and Joey wants a private word with Dawson. I’m thinking she’s going to suggest going somewhere else like a normal person, but nope! She wants to stay at the fancy restaurant, and tells Dawson he’s putting his petty feelings ahead of their nice night. Classic supportive Joey.

Just as Dawson agrees to be nice to his unsupportive film teacher who’s dating his dad, Gail and Jen walk in. Is this the only place in town?

At Andie’s house, she and Pacey are watching something in her room and she leaves to get something to drink. She’s in her pyjamas. The romance is officially over. She runs into her hallucination in the kitchen and starts telling him off for being late, because not even her own visions are safe from her nagging. She tells him to beat it.

Upstairs in her room, Pacey sees a photo album, flips through it briefly and then leaves the room and takes the album with him. He sets the album on a table and hears Andie talking. She’s asking Tim if Pacey really needs to know about him. But then she calls him Bran? Bram? Okay, so it’s not Tim…?

Pacey rushes in and sees no one there. He looks about as confused as you’d expect.

...uh?

…uh?

At the restaurant, Joey meets up with Jen at the bar and informs her of the situation. Jen thinks this looks like an opportunity for something other than a gong show.

Dawson sits down with his dad and he’s aware his ex-wife just walked in. Dawson’s trying to talk to him about his mom’s job offer in Philadelphia (Which, again, I may add has been on the table over a month now for some reason) and Mitch is like, that has nothing to do with me. I’m wondering how the custodial parent of your only child moving to another city can have nothing to do with you, but moving on. Dawson implores him to work on his marriage.

Going by the name of the episode, I’d say his chances are as good as any.

Gail and Nicole, both in the bathroom, flush and leave the stalls at the same time. Womp womp. They have an awkward greeting and Gail says she’s going to go. Then Nicole, being an insufferable smug ass, goads her into leaving to “be fair to Mitch.” Gail then decides to stay and make the evening more uncomfortable for everyone.

Rule 1: Always make sure to stick it to the ex-wife to boost your own self esteem and relieve your insecurities.

Rule 1: Always make sure to stick it to the ex-wife to boost your own self esteem and relieve your insecurities.

Though, thinking on it, Nicole is the common denominator in each of these social disasters, so Team Gail.

At Andie’s house, Pacey’s thinking she was on the phone with some other guy. Andie’s like, no I wasn’t! And when he pushes her to tell him who she was talking to, she screams none of your business!! Pacey, showing far more patience for mood swings and irrational behaviour than your average teenage boy, now thinks she’s having a mental breakdown.

And Andie takes offence to this because usually people in the middle of a psychotic break aren’t terribly logical. He then wants to know about the photo album. It’s full of family pictures he’s never seen and wants to know why she’s looking through it. She again says it’s none of his business (Typically when you’re in an exclusive romantic and sexual relationship with someone, your mental state is totally their business). He points out her new ‘do looks like it did in the photos, and she’s brushing it off.

She swipes the album back in a rage and destroys a lamp. Not the first time she’s broken shit with her flailing. She leaves the mess, says he can stay there if he wants, but she’s going to bed. Maybe I’m cynical, but that sounds like a passive aggressive way to get him to clean up the lamp shards. Pacey bends down to look at an old photo and, yeah, the guy is totally Tim.

I suppose he could just be haunting her.

I suppose he could just be haunting her.

At the restaurant, they found a table for Gail because she’s a local celebrity. Jen’s probing for personal information about the Leery’s marriage and asks if they had a song.

A bottle of wine from an anonymous source gets sent to the foursome and Mitch looks over at Gail, assuming it was from her. Nicole is going on about films being shitty these days and asks Dawson to promise when he’s a big deal he won’t make crap movies. Dawson bites his tongue. But then Joey calls her out for being a phoney and says she’s persnickety.

At Andie’s place, Jack walks in and Pacey is, yes, cleaning up the mess. Well played, Andie. Jack wants to know what happened. Pacey tells him they had a fight and then they compare notes. Pacey says it sounded like she was talking to some guy named “Brown.” Ah. Since she’s such a closed-mouth talker, it was hard to make out.

Jack looks freaked. Andie comes down the stairs and says outright that it was her name for Tim. Jack and Pacey keep cool. She’s like, Tim’s real! I’m not crazy! And then she crazily runs into bathroom and slams the door.

Back at Entre Nous, Nicole is STILL hogging all the air time, talking film like a giant bore, and Joey starts needling her to talk about how much she hates Dawson’s film and discuss how untalented he is. Mitch, makes a weak attempt to halt the conversation, but let’s it go.

Nicole says you should have the right dream because not everyone has the potential to hit it big. Dawson says, well, you work in a high school in the middle of nowhere so who are you to judge shit? Nicole’s like, well, then fine, don’t listen to me then. Mitch then pipes in, apparently only now realizing he’s been dating a woman who’s been trashing his son’s dreams, and questions her teaching methods.

Nicole says she’s being realistic and life has mean bites. And then Joey, queen of all things hostile and bitter, says the word for people who focus on mean bites is– wait for it– bitter. Pot, kettle, the pleasure is all mine.

Nicole, realizing Mitch isn’t coming to her defence, gets out of there. Dawson wants a word with Joey. He asks why he wasn’t allowed to rip into his teacher but Joey was. Jen pops in and says “operation reunited” is underway. The maitre’d walks by and says the wine made it to its location. Are minors allowed to send wine at restaurants?

Mitch approaches Gail and sits with her. Their song is now playing and they get up for a dance. I’d just like to point out I’ve never been to a restaurant that had dancing. I only ever see this in the movies or on TV.

Mitch thanks her for the wine and says he appreciated the gesture. Gail sees the kids staring at them, catches on and goes with it, calling herself Miss Maturity. They start talking in coded language about Philadelphia, how Dawson will miss her, how she will miss Dawson, how Dawson’s not good at expressing how he feels (Pfft).

The song ends, they go back to their respective tables and Nicole is like, yeah, this sucks.

Probably shouldn't have been such a dick in the bathroom.

Probably shouldn’t have been such a dick in the bathroom.

In the bathroom at Andie’s house, she’s seeing her dead brother in the mirror and screaming at him while Pacey and Jack are working on the door. Pacey’s asking if she’s seeing Tim, and Andie breaks the mirror.

Pacey’s now trying to talk Andie down, and Dead Tim’s trying to turn Andie against him. He’s like, you have to choose. Then Pacey’s catches on when Andie says she can’t choose, and he’s like, no, you have to! Well, this is pretty hard ball to be playing with the mentally ill.

He gives an impassioned speech about his love for her, and how he’s not giving up on her. And she chooses Pacey. But call me a pessimist, I don’t think that’s how you cure hallucinations.

Jack and Pacey put her to bed, and then discuss what’s to be done. Jack wants to call their awful dad to pay for some professional help and Pacey wonders if she just needs some time, no doubt feeling like a superhero after winning out against a ghost. Jack’s like, no man, I’ve seen this before with my mom. We’re making some calls.

Jen and Gail are walking outside and Gail’s decided to stay in Capeside because she feels like she and Mitch have a chance. But then there’s Mitch stroking Nicole’s hair, even after that horrible date. Nicole must be desperate and Mitch must be smooth for this to be happening right now. Gail runs off.

I'm so attracted to the way you think my son is a hack.

I’m so attracted to the way you think my son is a hack.

Joey and Dawson are in the row boat and they’re making out, and Joey wants to know if he intended for them to get it on. He sort of says maybe and they talk about sex. Dawson’s thinking yay and Joey’s saying nay. But Joey says she’s thought about it, and that’s enough to make Dawson happy for now, although he wants to dissect what she means to smithereens. He starts rowing. What the fuck happened to that speedboat from first season?

Sex!

Sex!

The episode ends with Andie and Pacey talking about what’s going to happen now, how Pacey won’t leave her, and they hug it out. Gotta say, things ain’t looking too good.

Most Verbose Articulation: Dawson- “Not 10 minutes after you want me to start practicing a bit of decorum, you start pushing every button at that table.”