Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 10 – Appetite For Destruction

Jack, Audrey, Joey and Pacey are at Grams’ house and Pacey’s making dinner and Audrey’s being annoying and useless. Joey asks Jack where Dawson and Jen are, and he replies a lie they told about soaking up the atmosphere.

But actually now they’re just outside and Dawson is zipping up something on his Jeep. He has a Jeep? He’s, like, 19 and barely even a student. Fuck him and his Jeep.

Outside the house, Jen is worrying a bit about how to tell people about their new relationship thing, and Dawson is all high on the newfound wonders of sex so he gives no shits. He’s like, meh to other people, let’s just enjoy what we’re doing.

But whatever, they come inside and kiss and everyone pops out to get a peek.

We like to watch.

We like to watch.

Pacey and Jack look pretty jazzed for Dawson, as the menfolk are wont to be when they see a virgin pal of theirs finally get some. But let me guess… Joey’s not going to like it!

CREDITS

Everyone’s awkwardly and silently eating their dinner, complete with candlelight. As mentioned, the dudes were fine with this and Audrey has no social graces, so everyone must be on eggshells for fucking Joey.

They make uncomfortable small talk and then Audrey smashes risotto on her shirt on purpose and drags Joey away from the table to “help” her with it.

In the bathroom, Joey brushes off the kiss she saw as no big deal like, oh, they had a fun weekend, who cares? And Audrey’s like, nononono, they’re totally doing it. And now Joey looks upset, bu insists she has no reaction about it.

Jen then excuses herself from the table and is sticking to the rice pretence. She knocks on the bathroom door and offers Audrey a spare shirt and she accepts and leaves Joey in there.

Back at the dinner table, Pacey takes the wordy lead and attempts to extract info out of Dawson about his weekend with Jen, and in a roundabout way inquires about the sex. Joey comes out of the bathroom and walks off. Dawson says he’s not talking about it and follows Joey.

When he’s gone, Jack’s like, he totally did it. Pacey’s not sure because it’s Dawson they’re talking about, but Jack’s sure because he knows Jen. Then they mention they’ve both nearly slept with Jen and Pacey’s like, what does it take then? Jack says, a virgin straight guy.

In the kitchen, Dawson is giving Joey the Reader’s Digest version of how things happened with Jen, what with the honeymoon suite, and that there’s no graceful way to have this conversation. Joey’s all, what conversation? It was just a kiss.

Uh, honeymoon suite?

Yeah, so someone else actually wanted to sleep with me? So...

Yeah, so someone else actually wanted to sleep with me? So…

Joey then realizes Dawson lost his virginity to Jen rather than hang onto it indefinitely for her, and she’s like, let’s not make this a thing. Then she leaves the kitchen and it’s totally going to be a thing.

At the table, Pacey announces there’s more courses to come and insists they be eaten. He gets up to get them, Joey offers help, which is declined, which is forced on him anyway, and Audrey and Jack jump up to run into the kitchen too.

Dawson and Jen talk about how everyone knows and they have a little intimate moment that Audrey witnesses through a crack in the door and makes a face. Well, quit watching! Heck.

They all then talk loudly in the kitchen in a way Dawson and Jen would totally be able to hear, and try again to leave the dinner. Audrey mocks Pacey’s roast chicken in the oven and Joey wants him to take it out early to get the dinner over with faster, and then Jack agrees and Pacey actually agrees to this like no chef ever fucking would. And that shit would not fly with the hipsters of today. Serve improperly cooked chicken? Rather than muscle through some awkwardness in a quaint century home with vintage china and a properly and deliciously cooked lemon chicken? Pfft, fucking amateurs.

Joey comes out of the kitchen and Dawson gets up to go into it. Jen tells Joey she didn’t plan this romance. Joey tells Jen she’s a good person and this is exactly what Dawson needs– right now. Yeah, that little bit at the end sorta adds some snotty subtext, if you ask me.

At the table, Pacey’s getting some grief about the chicken not being done. Fucking hell… THIS IS WHAT YOU ASKED FOR.

Uh, the undercooked chicken I asked for is too undercooked!

Uh, the undercooked chicken I asked for is too undercooked!

Oh, and get a load of the dish:

Why couldn't you wait?!

Why couldn’t you wait?!

These are the most ungrateful friends, like, ever. Push a guy to ruin his entree and then complain about the entree, which would’ve been amazing had they not been such dicks.

Dawson reveals he’s learned about a film school in Boston that he’s now checking out. Jack suggests he move into Grams’ (With Jen!) and everyone snickers and Dawson says it’s a possibility and Audrey then flips more food on her shirt to drag Joey away again. This girl is off her gourd.

In the kitchen, Joey’s like quit throwing food on yourself and dragging me away. Audrey wants her to spill her guts and Joey says if her heart was broken by this she’d have no right to feel that way. Which actually I agree. She jerked him around for years and now he’s finally with someone else.

The doorbell rings and Jen answers it. And it’s Charlie making puppy dog eyes.

Everyone minus Jen and Charlie are sitting down to dinner for the salad course, and Jack’s talking smack about Charlie. Dawson gets up to see what the hold-up is, and perhaps to protect his turf.

Pacey tries to stop him, again with wordy reasons that make lots of sense but which no 19-year-old boy would ever say (About appearing needy and sizing up the competition), and Dawson is not persuaded. He pops his head out and Jen says she’ll be back in one minute.

Charlie gives her back a T-shirt and says he and Nora aren’t together now. Wow, a romance option to be second choice! Buddy, you’re not that good looking. Jen’s like, nope, I gots a Dawson. Charlie leaves and Jen returns to the table.

Now Joey is a little bothered by some subtle PDA and goes for more salad in the kitchen so now Dawson gets up again and follows her. Shit, just get through this dinner already. Everyone’s getting up and down instead of eating this fancy homecooked meal.

Now Jack wants to change the music so he asks Jen to get up. Ugh! they go to the CD player (Hee!) and he starts giving her guff about the timing of this new relationship like it’s any of his business. Then the conversation shifts to the deteriorating quality of their relationship. Jen says he even used to know how she liked her coffee and now they’re distant. I blame the frat shit.

At the table, only Pacey and Audrey remain and I gotta say he’s pretty zen about the major disrespect his friends are paying him with bailing on this dinner even though they’re all still in the house.

In the kitchen, Joey is not getting more salad, she’s washing a dish over and over. Dawson tells her she doesn’t have to pretend to be fine if she’s not fine. And then she asks if he misses her, and there’s this distance and, lady, you tried to break up with him via voicemail message.

He tries to explain that basically his feelings changed after his dad died (I’m thinking he just no longer had any energy for her hot/cold come here/go away shit?) and that going away with Jen felt great, like starting over.

Joey’s like, you couldn’t start over with me? And he tells her being around her hurts now because there’s too much associated with her. (Plus she’s a dick).

It’s finally dessert and Pacey’s serving up a wicked good-looking chocolate cake. Joey asks if there’s “expresso” in the centre. They start talking about how far apart they’ve grown. Jack takes the opportunity to pour cream in Jen’s coffee. Then they talk about how lucky they are to still all know each other after high school.

Then Grams shows up, looking pleased her lace tablecloth is being used for a dinner party. Audrey, who’s been complaining about a lack of a Grams all night, finally gets to meet her.

Before Grams goes to bed with a slice of chocolate cake, she tells Dawson it’s too late for him to go home so he’ll spend the night with them. Oooohhhwoooooo!

And just like that, the dinner party breaks up. Joey, Audrey and Jack leave the party and the clean-up. Pacey, who cooked all day on his day off when it’s not even his house, starts the cleaning.

In the kitchen, Jen wants to know if Pacey has any commentary about her relationship and, no, he just wants her to be happy. Jen then tells him not to clean up because she and Dawson will do it.

Outside, Pacey catches up with the three and Audrey drags Jack off to go to a gay bar.

Pacey and Joey talk about finding themselves, or something, and Joey admits she was happy someone else would take care of Dawson for awhile, but that she didn’t like feeling replaced.

And there it is. That ain’t love. It’s something, sure, but not love.

Jen shows Dawson an attic room. This massive house that Jack isn’t even living in anymore and he gets the attic?

They talk and snuggle on the twin bed. Probably no sex at Grams’ house.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 8 – Hotel New Hampshire

Opening scene, Dawson is talking about his floundering with Pacey on his boat. Pacey is talking about loving the kitchen at work and this coworker who isn’t into him. And looks like these two are buddies again now that Pacey’s not boning Joey, even though it’s been less than half a year and generally people hold grudges for shit like that a lot longer.

CREDITS

Jen and Joey are studying together. Joey used to hate Jen, but now that she’s surrounded by a college full of new people to hate, Jen’s her best pal, I guess. She asks how Dawson’s been, since she hasn’t seen him in awhile. Jen says he’s doing okay. Joey says she’s starting to feel not so bad about not being the one who’s there for him. Makes sense. She’s complete shit at being supportive.

It's true, I'm the worst.

It’s true, I’m the worst.

At the frat, they’re getting ready for the formal. The guy talking calls Jack a lady, and everyone including him laughs. Then he says everyone must have a date and get laid, and shows a list of potential dates. So far Jack is all, heh, list! The guys start talking hot chicks and Jack just drinks his drink and thinks about something other than vaginas. Then they call on him to get one of the guys a date with his attractive female friend. And as near as I can figure he just pimped Jen out to a random frat neanderthal.

Pacey shows up at his coworker’s house, the one who’s sleeping with the boss, and gives her an offer of a platonic night to give her a break from her shitty relationship. She hesitates and then takes him up on it.

In therapy, Dawson is lamenting his friends are treating him with kid gloves still, and his shrink tells him to go to the film festival that’s coming up and take one of his buddies.

At the radio station, Jen’s got a gig, I guess, mooning about breakups on the air. The other woman, Nora, who I thought was a plot device, shows up so I guess she’s now a regular guest.

Jen’s saying she’s done with Charlie, and the other chick is like, I wish I had that confidence. And she mentions his latest attempt at “wooing us back,” thing. The look on Jen’s face says he isn’t trying to win them back, just Nora.

Dafuq?

Dafuq?

Nora learns Jen hasn’t gotten any love letters and is all, oh… I’m sorry! But really, it’s likely she showed up to find out just that and will now go throw herself at Charlie, as it seems she was the real girlfriend and Jen was the side chick. Womp womp. Well, I guess now Jen’s self esteem will be shitty enough to go out with that frat pile from earlier. Jen tells Nora she doesn’t care.

But she’s crying to Dawson soon after saying that she does want corny love letters and that she does care very much.

Rats!

Y no LETTERS?

Jen calls herself a floozy, Dawson laughs and then kisses her forehead. Admittedly, floozy is a rather delightful word these days; so much more playful and gentle than slut. Let’s bring back floozy.

Jen’s misery and mortification is the perfect set-up for him to ask her to leave town to go to that film festival.

With Jen out of the picture, Jack invites Audrey instead, along with Joey, to double date with him and that frat guy named Eric at the formal. The door knocks at their dorm and Audrey wants to pose before Joey opens the door. Why she has to be such a dingbat, I’m not sure. Eric calls Audrey a stone cold fox.

At the film festival, the receptionist girl hits on Dawson in an uncomfortable way and rudely asks Jen if she’s his girlfriend. Jen then laughs like it’s a huge joke, which is also kinda weird. Some guy runs up and tells Dawson he’s big news and his screening sold out. Then he calls another director retarded. I’m not sure at what point that word stopped being used so casually, but I don’t think it would fly on TV anymore. Well, HBO, but you know.

Dawson and Jen open their hotel room door and inside is the cheesiest bed ever.

I expect some whoopee!

I expect some whoopee!

At the formal, guys approach Eric and Jack and say “score”, like appraising a woman you don’t know right in front of her isn’t remarkably gross. Joey says Jen should be there too to share in the pain and Jack tells her Jen’s having a weekend out of town with Dawson. Joey’s now got a case of the sads.

At Pacey’s non-date with his coworker Karen, he keeps things light until BAM he doesn’t and brings up that she’s a woman on the side and deserves better.

At the festival, a seemingly over-done film directed by the “retarded” local celebrity is showing. Smoke Crack & Worship Satan. Yeah.

Too much?

Too much?

But apparently it’s really good. I can only imagine what it’s about from the title.

Dawson pooh-poohs his movie and Jen gives him a pep talk. Then the director of the Satan movie pops out wearing a silly-looking hat and mentions he’s won the festival three times in a row and calls Dawson a “Hollywood slickster.” Then he calls Jen pretty, stares at her strangely and hoofs it out of there.

Pacey and his date do some banter that I don’t give a shit about. Then they have a goodnight kiss that immediately leads to making out, which immediately leads to them tearing into her home and getting undressed. Also she knocks over a lamp.

At the festival, Dawson’s movie is done screening and the head festival guy introduces Dawson, but first talks about how Mitch wrote a letter along with the video about his son’s talent. Dawson gives a small speech, dedicates the film to his father and gives a shoutout to his “girlfriend” Jen.

At the party, Audrey is bored stiff by her date. He gets up to go get a drink and complains to Jack that she doesn’t like him and maybe she’s a prude. Jack tells him not to worry and that Audrey’s easy. Joey overhears and looks incensed.

I kills you

I kills you

Then Jack sees Joey heard him and he looks like he ate a bag of whoops.

After they’re done fooling around (or sleeping together? Not sure) Karen is angry, so maybe the sex wasn’t very good. No afterglow here. She says Pacey’s not worth what she’s risking. He asks if she slept with him to get back at her boss/lover. Ah. There we are. And yes, it was revenge sex. Pacey leaves in a huff.

At the festival, sore loser Satan film Oliver tells Dawson he loved his film and he isn’t as much of a goon as he thought. He tells him about a media arts school in… Boston (Go figure!) full of nerds and freaks and stuff. So, obviously here’s the new plan. Not subtle.

Oliver points out, “there’s your girl” to Dawson when he sees Jen. Dawson’s about to correct him, that she’s not really his girlfriend, but stops. He’s got that look in his eye, so maybe after these many years he’s finally attracted to Jen again now that he’s sick of Joey ruining his life.

At the formal, Joey’s giving Jack the business over the shit he said about Audrey and he doesn’t seem to think it was a big deal. Then she calls him out on not spending time with them anymore and being a general asshole these days. He pretty much tells her to get off her high horse and no one’s forcing anyone to be there. So Joey marches right out.

Back in the cheesy hotel room, Dawson and Jen have a conversation that steers back to “so, why didn’t we work out?” I knew it. They rehash their breakup and Jen throwing herself at him and they laugh, and he says ultimately Jen just wasn’t attracted to him. And so Jen kisses him.

Ohohoho, and I think after Joey, Eve and Gretchen giving him the heave ho, he’s finally going to lose his virginity, and to Jen. And why not?

In the morning, Dawson wakes up a happy camper.

I did it!

I did it!

At the restaurant, Pacey goes in to quit and finds out that Karen already has. Boss man gives him the chance to rescind his resignation and expresses regret for putting him in the middle of it all. Pacey doesn’t say anything and leaves. Uh, so did he quit or not?

At the dorm room, Joey walks in on Jack apologizing to Audrey, who forgives him with gusto. Joey also talks to him, he’s sorry and then boom, everything’s fine again.

Pacey sees Karen outside the restaurant and they, I don’t know, debrief. She encourages him not to quit, and then they huge, she leaves and that’s that.

As they’re packing to leave the cheesy hotel, Jen talks to Dawson about how sex changes everything and she’s worried. He says it felt right and if things change, who says it’ll be bad, and so bring it on. Jen seems happy with that. And then they decide to stay (Another hour? Another night? Who knows.)

Well, good for him. I was rooting for that guy’s boner for some time.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 2 – The Lost Weekend

In Joey’s swishy dorm room, she’s telling Dawson she intends to drop her writing class because she’s getting a C. So I guess quitting is better in the ivy leagues than just trying harder.

Dawson uses his cell to check his messages and says he got one from Joey on Friday. Oooh, so he didn’t get the message. Joey’s like, what?! and tries to grab the phone outta Dawson’s hands. He’s all about listening to it, though, so tough beans.

Ah, shiiiiiit.

Ah, shiiiiiit.

Did she not think it would come up? Dawson is upset because she basically said goodbye forever or something over the phone and then didn’t say anything about it when he got there, and Joey was like, well, you got here and didn’t bring it up, so why would I?

Uh, what? When you dump someone on the phone, typically you bring it up for discussion if that person shows up at your door.

Joey said she was drunk and mad he wasn’t visiting her and they never resolved anything, and Dawson’s confused about what didn’t get resolved. Then Audrey marches in wearing only a towel. Joey leaves after a lame suggestion of Dawson taking an impromptu campus tour (Which operate hourly or just on people’s whims?) while she drops that writing class. This leaves Audrey alone with Dawson, who she barely knows, in the dorm room in a just towel, which is something your average young woman has no apprehension doing within the safe perimeters of a college campus.

Now Jack is telling Jen some guy will call her even though he hasn’t got her number because that’s what technology is for these days: tracking down people you’re sexually attracted to. And to think, this is five years before Facebook.

Then they discuss sluttiness and how Jen’s not one, and I hate Jack’s hair something fierce.

Get a haircut, slob!

Get a haircut, slob!

It’s like a baby mullet.

Then, after his bit about technology, he reminds us it’s still early days and pulls out a map when he says they’re lost. Then, oh, look who it is, Chad Michael Murray (Charlie), that guy Jen was obsessing over. Dude, look at that hair. He holds a sign upside down from his radio show and Jen and Jack turn their heads to read it as though it weren’t entirely readable as is.

Womp womp

Womp womp

While trying to drop the class, the professor is calling out Joey for not being up for hard work and freaking out. Meanwhile, I’m distracted by those hip bones protruding above those ultra low-rise jeans and below a full-length shirt. God, I’m glad that style has fallen out of favour. It’s unnerving.

Anyway, Joey’s all “I tried but it’s complicated.” And while that shit used to fly with men back in Capeside, it cuts no ice with her professor who keeps challenging her. But then he gives up, makes a somewhat offside comment about it being like getting dumped, and that’s that. Or is it?

Now, Dawson is talking shit about Joey to Audrey, things like why is he letting this girl ruin his life? And how can someone so smart be so stupid? Well, it’s about time someone started seeing her clearly.

And it turns out dippy Audrey is the tour guide, so away they go. Jesus, if the tour is on her time, then why didn’t she suggest something fun? Like anything else?

Jen decides to crash Charlie’s radio show, and tease him on the air about a variety of topics. Because the surest way to get a boy to like you back is to shit on the things he loves.

They have a veiled conversation about how they met and him thinking Jack was her boyfriend and nope he’s gay, so now I guess they’re going to start something up together, which would never actually happen. Because, guys, she actually crashed his radio show and gave him shit on the air. That just screams crazy. “Get in here” doesn’t mean go on the air and air our private business.

And here’s Pacey, talking about the Caribbean while canoodling with a blonde and they’re arguing over some private Polaroid. Again, the last breath of experiences that predate a world of digital cameras being everywhere and the internet at our fingertips.

The Polaroid girl.

The Polaroid girl.

Her name is Melanie and she’s rich. She leaves without the picture. Smart move, lady. When the internet explodes, you might regret leaving it with that careless guy. Ah, hindsight.

Doug then shows up and wants to know what his loser brother is planning to do with his life, other than sleep with rich woman who buy him expensive shirts, and be a deckhand for yachting millionaires. He gives him a card and wants to talk to this restaurant guy about a job.

Joey’s walking around on campus and comes upon this line-up that’s longer than American Idol competitions, winding around, going up flights of stairs. It’s the line to drop classes. Womp womp.

Audrey’s not giving much of a tour, and instead is prying into Dawson’s personal business. She has the most nasal voice. It’s like three keys down from Fran Drescher. She says she’s from LA and she’s just obnoxious enough for that to seem believable. Dawson says his old friends are so great and everyone new he meets sucks. Which is interesting because his friends cause more drama than joy in his life from what I’ve witnessed.

At the restaurant, Pacey meets with the cook, Danny, who tries to push a dishwashing job on him and Pacey’s like nope.

In Charlie’s room, she’s going through his books and CDs. CDs! Seriously, this episode is such a snapshot of an incredibly brief sliver of time. There is a cell phone, but it’s a flip phone with no camera. People are using paper maps. Polaroids. CDs. I’m dying.

Anyway, Jen is continuing to bust this guy’s balls about him taking a feminist lit class, and his music collection. But he’s talking about how life-changing (No exaggeration, he’s really hyping it) Dolly Parton’s I Will Always Love You is compared to Whitney Houston, so maybe he is full of shit. After a little more verbal boxing they start making out.

Joey’s actually waiting in that line and calls Dawson to tell him how long it is. And she’s got a cell too. Those clunky things used to be pretty expensive in 2001. How poor Joey is really does fluctuate.

The line is so long and my phone is so big!

The line is so long and my phone is so big!

Audrey and Dawson find Joey in line and Audrey takes her place while Joey takes him aside for a private convo. Audrey gives a random guy a smile and he looks away and she sneers at him.

Joey then throws some serious shade at Audrey: she’s flirting with you, she flirts with everyone, why don’t you go find Jen and Jack? Shit. If you were so concerned, why’d you leave him in her company while she was in the towel? Dawson thinks Audrey is fun. Which compared to Joey, she sort of is, even while being an obnoxious ditz.

Joey is all over the place, she’s irritated he’s spending time with Audrey, wanting to act like this forever goodbye suggestion was no big deal, saying it’s normal to want to move on, then not agreeing to do it when Dawson wants a decision.

Joey actually makes her way through the epic line and turns out her Professor, Wilder, signed Oscar Wilde on the slip. HA! The line must’ve taken hours to wait through and he didn’t even really sign it.

Pacey’s out to dinner with Melanie and slagging on the restaurant they’re at. Turns out she’s a law student. She goes to pay the bill, being a realist, since Pacey doesn’t have a job and she has an allowance and a trust fund. This offends his sense of masculinity, but then she says “slacker boyfriend”. Ooooh.

Jen wakes up in bed with Charlie. It’s 5:00. Must’ve been pretty vigorous sex for both of them to doze off in the afternoon. Jen starts freaking out and in an effort to get out of there she forcibly borrows Charlie’s shoes. Good move. Slick.

Charlie stops her, tells her everything she wants to hear and Jen stops trying to run away with his shoes. Then they go back to do it some more.

Joey finds Wilder to give him a piece of her mind and he claims her rare knowledge of it’s versus its is too good to give up. To me that sounds like the most condescending sarcasm ever. But she calls it a compliment, “That’s no excuse for what you did to me!” So, what? We’re basing ivy league writing class readiness on basic grammar know-how?

Wilder tells Joey she’s the type of person who only likes to do things she can do well. Joey then unleashes all her private business on him about how she’s not dropping the class very well or handling her relationship well. Wilder tells her she’s talking nonsense and to write it down and see if can’t start making sense. I’d just let her drop the class and lose myself the headache.

Joey walks away and sulks over some paper with a pen while Wilder looks pleased with himself.

Muahahaha.

Muahahaha.

Audrey takes Dawson to a place where people go to commit suicide or make out, depending on their day. She offers to make out with Dawson, who’s like yeah! Then Audrey says, n’ah, Joey’s my friend sort of. Dawson reveals he got fired from his job and he obviously wants to move to Boston.

Without a word, Audrey sort of walks away and leaves Dawson staring out onto campus alone on the suicide spot. What a rude and weird thing to do.

Back with Wilder, he tells Joey her failing is she overthinks things. She tries to explain herself while giving him major doe eyes. He leaves her with the story she wrote down with an A- on it. Tempting her with fake grades that don’t count for anything. And boy, has he got her number. Overachievers can’t resist that shit. She throws away the paper he signed for her to drop the class.

Pacey comes back to the restaurant and gives the cook shit for charging $25 a head. $25 for a delicious entre in a nice place? According to my inflation calculator, that’s $33. Not super affordable, but also not insanely priced either for a major city. Maybe don’t eat there if you have no job?

Pacey shoots the shit with this guy while he’s working, and insults him several times to his delight, which doesn’t strike me as a thing. Chefs are kinda too busy for that crap. this guy’s just moseying around, taking his time. Pacey offers to work in the kitchen chopping things instead of washing dishes. Danny tells him if he works hard he can have any job. Pardon me while I snicker at the messages my generation were apparently being fed at impressionable ages even from this show about the world being our oyster.

Outside, Pacey starts flirting with the waitress while she smokes and gives the lowdown on the work environment. Pacey gives her flack for smoking twice. Great way to begin a new working relationship.

Joey runs into Audrey who tells her Dawson went home ’cause he was tired of Joey yanking his chain. She tells her he’s at the airport and Joey makes a run for it while Audrey makes a stupid face.

She makes it on time to see him at the airport and he says it must be nice to have Jen and Jack around. Completely missing the cues that he’s lonely and envious of her closeness to their friends she rubs salt in the wound about how great and family-like it is and how good it feels. She is so self-absorbed.

It’s last call for Dawson’s flight and then they start actually talking-talking. Joey’s playing more of her mind games. She felt understood when he didn’t bring up the message. He’s feeling hurt that she left it and didn’t say anything about it. She then dishes out the usual “it’s confusing” shit she does whenever Dawson wants a straight answer about if she wants him or not.

The airport staff want to know if Dawson’s actually getting on the plane and rather than just getting on the plane, these two fools hold up the whole airport trying to make a decision about their stupid relationship that never goes anywhere.

And he stays. This woman is bound and determined to derail his life at her whim, and he’s gonna let her.

MVA: Dawson – “Joey, as long as you live, I will never understand you.” Not terribly articulate, but he speaks for us all.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 4, Episode 19 – Late

Opening scene is Mitch and Dawson making fun of Gail’s overdue (by two weeks) pregnancy while she’s getting ready for a dinner out. She emerges in labour and they rush her out. She says she’s been feeling pains all day. And yet she was still getting ready to go out to dinner? Well, she does have a flair for the dramatic.

CREDITS

Turns out the contractions were just Braxton Hicks, AKA false labour. The doctor says they’ll induce if baby’s not out in a couple days. Now, I don’t know if the early oughts were really this laid back, but a 40-year-year-old woman 42 weeks pregnant would probably have been induced by now. Just saying.

Mitch wants to know if they can speed thing along. Pfft, like every asshole they know hasn’t been pushing their labour-starting remedies on them already: spicy food, walks, nipple stimulation, sex, acupuncture, raspberry leaf tea, etc. And this doctor? Suggests… talking to the baby.

No wonder she’s letting an old woman go past 42 weeks. She’s a quack. Mitch says they haven’t named the baby yet. Dr. Quack writes Gail a prescription: name the baby. Like that’s really her biggest concern. Yeah, baby won’t be born because it doesn’t have a name yet. Makes sense.

Jack shows up late to some sort of tutoring thing with Toby and some boy who’s the only other black person in town other than the rarely seen Bodie.

Joey’s all antsy trying to call Pacey, who’s away on a fishing trip with Doug, which is weird because they hate each other. Bessie wants Joey’s help to wrap a gift onesie for Gail. Joey bolts and heads to Pacey’s house.

Dawson is apparently throwing a “naming shower” where you have to bring names. Throwing shindigs for a pregnant lady who could blow at any moment seems like a waste of time, but whatevs.

Gretchen drops a bomb that she might move away to be an editor at a lifestyle magazine. Dawson, who has a history of thwarting women from following their dreams, doesn’t seem overly jazzed.

I kept Joey from France, so how hard could this be?

I kept Joey from France, so how hard could this be?

So they discuss long distance and all that, but if you ask me, this is it. Gretchen plays it like she’s living in the now, and Dawson seems like he’s way more upset than she is.

Tutor time is over and Jack sends Toby off early. He goes to the bus, and there’s a couple guys there. He makes small talk about buses and the weather and then the guy gets up.

Joey arrives at Pacey’s place and Gretchen is there and spills the beans. There’s no fishing trip. Pacey got arrested for public drunkenness while Joey was in NY. Doug got the charges dropped and took him camping to talk sense into him.

Why change it from a camping trip to a fishing trip…?

Gretchen tells Joey Pacey’s in a lot of pain right now (no college, girlfriend leaving) and needs help and doesn’t want her putting pressure on him right now. Joey wants to know how to contact him and says she can’t promise not to give Pacey hell. Gretchen asks how she could be so selfish.

ME?! Selfish? Well, yeah, obvs.

ME?! Selfish?
Well, yeah, obvs.

Has she met Joey?

Joey reveals her period is late. Uh, then get a pregnancy test? Gretchen reassures her and tries to convince her to take a test, and Joey cuts her off and leaves. This is so overly dramatic. Just pee on the fucking stick. Pacey doesn’t need to hold your hand beside you on the toilet.

At the shower, Gail is buzzing around, which Grams says is nesting. Gretchen, Joey and Bess show up. Joey still hasn’t taken the test from the looks of things.

And that’s everybody. Does this woman have no friends? Look at the guest list: her husband, son, next-door neighbour, two of her son’s friends plus his ex-girlfriend’s older sister, and one of her employees. Gail’s life is mega sad.

And Grams kicks the men out, so it’s just Joey, Jen, Grams, Bessie and Gretchen left with Gail.

At the tutoring thing, Jack shows up and the kids are in chaos because Toby isn’t there and no one’s heard from him.

Grams is doing some stupid needle dangling test she says was the ultrasound of the middle ages. Gail is asking if it’s a boy or girl. Might I remind everyone this lady was a nurse, and Gail would have already had ultrasounds that could have answered that question.

Mitch and Dawson are up in a treehouse pretending to smoke cigars.

Yep.

Yep.

Mitch starts talking about how shitty it is to have a newborn. He then gets all sexist with the whole men don’t love babies the way women do, not at first. Which is total shit. Some women don’t bond right away and some men will kiss their new babies while they’re still gooey.

He says when he heard “daddy” in the night, he got it. So, basically he’s telling his son he didn’t really love him or get fatherhood till what? 18 months? 2 years?

Seems a somewhat unhealthy lesson to impart to your son, that he won’t love his kids as much as his wife will at first. He has no way of knowing that.

The names at the shower are killing me. Sophie, Isabella, Jackson, and Emma. THESE ARE THE POPULAR NAMES TODAY. Others: Satchel (What?), Thomas, Rose.

Mitch and Dawson muse about Gretchen moving to Boston. Mitch says to do his own thing because you never know what can happen. Then he name drops Joey because somehow everything has to be about her.

Joey then, with no names to offer, gives the uber useless present of a necklace that Gail now has to hang onto for about 10 years before the kid can actually have it.

The ladies reminisce how Bess gave birth during the hurricane. She then tells the story of how Joey was born, with their mother most improbably yelling after 36 hours of labour, “Josephine, Josephine, everyone’s waiting to meet you.” I call bullshit. That woman was probably swearing and cursing life. But we have to lend credence to this nonsense that a baby has to be named and called before it’ll come out, don’t we?

Joey excuses herself from the story because she can’t help drawing more attention to herself, even when she’s the centre of attention at another woman’s shower. If she’d just have taken the fucking test she could be acting like a normal person right now.

Jack checks in with Toby at his house. Toby won’t see him and shouts that he has the flu. He fakes for a bit then gives up and opens the door.

The flu?

The flu?

He says he was mugged and Jack presses him to make a police report. Toby refuses, alludes to frightening some people, and slams the door.

Bessie tells Joey she’s acting like a weirdo and surmises that Joey might be pregnant. Joey acts like an asshole and infers that Bessie’s life is a trainwreck, which is a mighty smug thing to say when you yourself may be knocked up before leaving for college.

And now Gail is in labour.

They’re at the hospital and for some reason Gretchen came along.

Jack visits Jen, who’s knitting outside, and he tells her Toby’s injured. He thinks Toby was the victim of a hate crime. Jen pushes him to do something about it.

At the hospital, Dawson and Gretchen talk about their relationship and how they’re probably not going to be together anymore and Dawson basically wants to know if they’ll have sex before she leaves. Gretchen’s like, no dice, man. I’m not getting closer to you so we can leave each other.

Mitch interrupts. False labour again. Jesus, just get the kid out already. She’s old. What is with this frigging hospital?

Joey shows up to Pacey’s house that evening to speak to Gretchen. She’s obsessing about her maybe pregnancy. JUST TAKE THE TEST. God, this is so unnecessary.

Gretchen tells Joey, whether she chooses to stay pregnant or not, it’s about family. Then she tells her she miscarried while in college. Then they start getting mushy about Dawson for some reason.

At the Leery house, Gail wants to go to the hospital again, but Mitch is done with her crying wolf and he wants to watch a movie on TV. Gail drags him by the ear, so they’re off again.

At Toby’s house, Jack has brought an officer over. Toby wants them all to leave and then the officer tells Toby about his statistically increased risk for violence due to him being gay. The whole thing comes off like a public service announcement. Toby then shares the story and he was indeed attacked because he was gay.

At the hospital, Mitch tells Dawson that Gail’s been in hard labour all day. And you’re in the waiting room because…? Mitch is expressing frustration but Gail calls out and he runs back in.

Joey comes back home in the morning after sleeping at Gretchen’s. She talks to Bessie about how she hated Joey when she was born and all the bad life choices. I can’t help but wonder what’s so bad about running your own B&B with your common law spouse. Babies out of wedlock aren’t that big a deal when you’re a grownup.

Bessie gets out a pregnancy test. THANK YOU. This stupidity has been going on two days longer than it should have. Alexander wakes up and Bessie leaves the room. Joey starts crying over the First Response box like a dick. Just take it. What is wrong with you?

You don't even know if you're pregnant yet! Shit, get a grip.

You don’t even know if you’re pregnant yet! Shit, get a grip.

Jack shows up at Toby’s to make him go to tutoring. Jack acknowledges he’s a gay guy too and that assault could have happened to him so he can’t just fly under the radar and let other homosexuals fight the good fight alone.

Joey’s in the bathroom, finally taking the fucking pregnancy test.

There! Now calm down already.

There! Now calm down already.

Boom. Not knocked up. All that freaking out for nothing.

At the hospital all the ladies show up with trinkets, which is very invasive and rude. Who just shows up to a birthing? Wait for a phone call and an invitation after the baby’s actually born.

Dawson and Joey talk about life, making plans with their significant others, and whatnot. Then Joey brings up having sex from her perspective. Good call, Joe. ‘Cause if there’s anyone who wants to hear about your sex life, it’s your ex-boyfriend. She’s trying to make it all about the intimacy concerns, but neglecting the fact that perhaps Dawson would just like to get laid already for his penis’ sake.

Then boom. Nurse comes, makes a birth announcement. It’s a girl. And Mitch seems very happy, so maybe he was talking out his ass earlier about men and babies.

And then comes the final heap of bullshit: Gail got the baby to finally come because she called out her name. Which, for the record, is Lillian, Joey’s mother’s name.

Pacey calls Joey and makes his first and only appearance in the episode. Joey doesn’t let him in on the drama, and he maintains the lie about fishing and Joey lets him. Again, changing it from camping to fishing is something I don’t understand. What a needlessly cumbersome lie.

Joey says I love you and hangs up the phone. Why does no one on TV say “bye” before doing that? Like, ever.

Dawson drives up to Gretchen’s, who’s taking a later train, I guess. They make out. Will they have sex? Oh, who knows.

MVA: Gretchen. “Speak your subtext, boy.”

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 4, Episode 16 – Mind Games

Opening scene, Pacey’s itching to do more sexing, and he and Joey start engaging in the sort of PDA that makes my stomach turn when I see it in real life. Drue pops into the cafeteria and begs for everyone’s attention. He has senior year polls. No one’s paying that much attention and Joey is making bizarre faces at Pacey for some reason.

Jeez, not in public...

Jeez, not in public…

Drue makes a big to-do about the biggest couple or whatever and goes on about how they make everyone want to puke. J&P totally are smiling at each other thinking, oh, we are so disgustingly in love! But apparently the class at large chose Joey and Dawson, as though everyone else would give a shit about their brief failed romance.

CREDITS

Joey slams Drue against a wall, who says he thinks it’s funny their classmates still care so much after all this time. Is that a wink-wink-nudge-nudge from the writers about the absurdity of this plot?

Joey accuses Drue of rigging the votes and tells him to fix it. Dawson approaches, all friendly-like. He’s seen the polls and has taken it in stride, seemingly giving zero fucks.

Pacey is at the restaurant (After school hours now? This show plays so fast and loose with time) heavily suggesting Gretchen leave Pacey the house to himself for awhile. Now that his celibacy is over, he’s chomping at the bit. Gretchen is onto him quickly and eagerly wants to know if he got laid, which I can assure you is something I never wanted to know about my own brother, never mind getting all weirdly giddy about it.

But Gretchen is quite the wing woman, recalling her horny high school days, and promises not to come home so Pacey can have more teenage sex.

Jen’s in therapy talking about how shitting girls are, and how hard it is to be friends with them. This from the girl who tried to steal Joey’s boyfriend, and who crashed a wedding, berated the dead at a funeral, etc. Yeah, other girls are the worst.

But here’s something I didn’t know. Jen had sex before she turned 13, and she was drunk at the time. Dude, that’s hardcore shenanigans. How old was the guy? Shit.

At the restaurant, Gretchn is stuck working late and makes a references to “telling Bodie” something, just so we know the guy didn’t secretly die or something. No, we don’t need to see him, I guess, just throw his name around a bit, same thing.

Turns out also that the Leerys are out of town, and Dawson didn’t tell Gretchen ’cause he thought it’d sound like a lame come on. And this is why Pacey’s had several partners and Dawson has not. No matter, Gretchen’s coming over later with movies and popcorn and probably nothing will happen.

Joey comes over to see Pacey, jumps him, and immediately gets wigged that Gretchen isn’t coming home because she knows. She pretends like she’s not, but the mood has soured.

At a coffee shop Jack calls Jen out for stalking her therapist.

Stalking a therapist! How cliche.

Stalking a therapist! How cliche.

Apparently she’s disturbed he knows so much about her and she knows so little about him. I don’t see the problem with that. This is therapy, not friendship. But no matter, a lack of boundaries is one reason this chick’s in therapy, so a stalking she shall go.

Pacey is trying to order a pizza over the phone from the one Portuguese guy in town (How can he be in business if he doesn’t speak English in a small American town?) when Gretchen pops home for a minute. Joey wants to talk. She thinks it’s necessary to tell Gretchen not to say anything to Dawson. She says she won’t, but that it’s not hard info to guess.

When Pacey asks Gretchen where she’s going for the night, she says, “Dawson’s.” And now Joey looks vaguely uncomfortable. I’ll never understand this girl.

Jen and Jack are now stalking the therapist in a book store. Jack thinks he’s gay because he’s looking at an Anne Rice novel. Jen wonders who Jack surpassed her in knowledge of gay things. Possibly being actually gay has something to do with it.

They then run smack into the guy and have an awkward encounter in the poetry section, with Jen pretending she likes poetry, after calling a poetess a “him”. And now it looks like she’ll continue her stalking at a poetry reading later.

At Pacey’s, he and Joey are brooding over Dawson and Gretchen’s togetherness this evening. And then they kiss while still chewing their pizza. Oh, gross.

At Dawson’s, he and Gretchen are done watching a movie and are raring up for another. Gretchen is going through her bag and Dawson notes she has pyjamas and a toothbrush. He then is like, are you planning to spend the night? Gretchen’s like, uh, do you want me to? And he pauses forever and makes things awkward. What a fucking square.

Like, you don’t have to sleep with her if you’re not emotionally ready, but shit, you like her a lot and your parents are away and you’re almost 18 and maybe you could try living a little.

Gretchen decides to take the bull by the unhorny horns and throws the topic of sex on the table. Crickets are literally chirping in the background.

Sex! Oh man!

Sex! Oh man!

She gets the ball rolling and they are laughing about her ex-boyfriend and Dawson says he’s never had sex. She handles it with the grace of an older experienced woman, and I’m wondering if she’s going to Mrs. Robinson him.

But no, he starts talking about how he and Joey didn’t do it and goes into it a bit too deeply. And then he’s like, I wish they’d just do it already and put the nail in the coffin of Dawson and Joey. If I were Gretchen, I’d be out of there. But she’s patient and asks how he knows they haven’t and he says Joey told him they hadn’t. And Gretchen says nothing, which is mighty big of her.

After the break, there’s some pretty swell body language going on:

Ah, l'amour.

Ah, l’amour.

Gretchen’s looking weary and annoyed and she sighs and asks what the movie is about anyway. Dawson’s looking like maybe he realizes he might’ve blown it. And he has, she’s up and outta there.

In the morning, Joey wants to make Pacey breakfast, so she sends him out to get groceries. Outside he bumps into Dawson, who’s looking to make sure Gretchen got home okay. He wants to use Pacey’s phone. So they go inside and Joey hides when she hears his voice.

Jen and Jack are actually going to the poetry reading. I don’t know what her obsession is with her therapist. Jack is dubious about the whole thing, and shrinks in general. He also thinks Jen’s got a crush on hers.

Dawson’s leaving Pacey’s after learning Gretchen was at Doug’s. He’s thinking she’s done with him. Pacey leaves for the groceries.

I love poetry.

I love poetry.

At the reading, the two non-fans have snagged the best seats in the house, which seems fair. They’re about to go, but the therapist shows up and the poetry reading is about to start. It’s pretty unprofessional to sit next to a patient in a social gathering, isn’t it? Maybe keep some professional distance?

At a coffee shop, Drue parks himself near Dawson to talk about the poll prank, and honesty and Joey. This kid shows up for the last year of high school and for some reason is heavily invested in Joey and Dawson’s past romantic history, which he never even witnessed. Think about that. It’s really fucking weird.

At Pacey’s, Joey comes out to see Gretchen, who’s annoyed and sitting on the porch. She’s wondering how everyone got into this bullshit situation of being intwined in other people’s business. She thinks Joey should just tell Dawson she’s moved on and put the guy out of his misery already.

Pacey comes back as Joey leaves, and he wants the scoop from his sister. He drags it out of her that Joey told Dawson that she wasn’t sleeping with him.

After the reading, Jen is introduced to the poetess, who is partnered up with… the shrink. Jen looks just uncomfortable enough about it that I think we can safely assume she maybe had some sort of crush on him.

At the school, Dawson asked Joey to meet him in the year book room. He’s fiddling around on the computer. He apologizes for asking her about her sex life.

To tell or not to tell... Drama or more drama...

To tell or not to tell… Drama or more drama…

Dawson muses a bit about their failed relationship, but then fixes the year book page to reflect Joey and Pacey as the class couple.

At the poetry reading, the shrink lets Jen know he was on to what she was doing and they’ll discuss it in therapy. Well, just further proof for the need for a session, isn’t it?

Dawson meets up with Gretchen, who doesn’t seem like she’s ready to dump him just yet. She’s got great things to say about his honesty. He gives her a toothbrush. No, really.

Pacey and Joey are talking a walk and talking about sex. And they keep saying “sex”. Like 7 times. I’m about ready for a euphemism. They almost talk about what Gretchen told Pacey, but then he doesn’t pursue it.

The end.

MVA: Dawson. “Actually, no, I forgot about that in the wake of greater personal tragedies, but since you insist on invading my space…”

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 4, Episode 14 – A Winter’s Tale

Opening scene is Gretchen spreading her aged wisdom about the senior class skiing trip being a rite and passage and how it’s cruel and unusual. For all they bitch about the cruelty of life in this town, when the alleged poorest kid in town, Joey Potter, can afford to go on a ski trip I’m not convinced of anything other than privileged whining.

But apparently on Gretchen’s trip, a girl got pregnant, another arrested and someone’s hair caught on fire. And I guess this is normal and yet the ski trip remains a thing?

Before Pacey and Joey leave, Gretchen tells Joey to call Dawson. Sounds like he’s taking Brooks’ death hard. Jen is telling Jack she should be at the hospital with Grams. So is Brooks not dead then? I’d wonder why Grams is letting Jen go on a trip where it’s normal for teen girls to get pregnant, but I suppose she’s distracted by her ailing gentleman friend.

Anyway, Jen is complaining about the trip because that’s what these people do. Ugh, skiiing!

Pacey says it’s good to get out of town and for some reason Joey is being an ass about that comment, “Are we those types of people…?”

On the bus, Jen’s like, I don’t even know how to ski! And she’s acting like this is the first time she’s considered that. Joey, meanwhile, looks surprised and startled when the teacher reaches the letter P on the roll call and actually calls her name for attendance. She seems equally shocked to turn around and see Drue sitting behind her. Like you wouldn’t have noticed your arch rival taking the seat behind you.

Jen is still trying to push Toby on Jack. Jack is not into someone as flaming as Toby. Jen doesn’t know any other gay dude, so apparently this means Jack has to fall for fucking Toby whether he wants to or not. Because Jack’s lack of attraction to this guy is not seen as a good enough reason not to bone him.

Pacey asks Drue if he thinks he’s going to get away with this. Is Drue not supposed to be on the trip? Drue taunts Pacey about him not getting laid this weekend.

Not gettin' nothin'.

Not gettin’ nothin’.

At the hospital, Dawson talks to Grams, who is staying with Brooks who is in a coma, still has cancer and is decidedly not going to make it.

At the ski resort, Pacey wants to carry their shit but Joey insists on doing it out of a misunderstanding of what feminism means. Pacey’s like, fuck this, and grabs the huge bag and carries it way more easily. I think it’s weird they are sharing a bag.

A teacher says all sleeping arrangements are same sex and the keys to the mini bars have been confiscated, amidst groans. Drue takes the keys and starts tossing them out to people as the teacher walks away. Like this would ever happen anywhere. This level of supervising ineptitude explains the aforementioned pregnancy last year.

Jen slips on the ice.

At the hospital, Dawson learns that because he signed a paper to be able to pick up Brooks’ meds, it now means he has the power to decide to take him off life support too ’cause Brooks has no immediate family. Is Dawson even legally old enough to make this choice?

They call his parents (First sign maybe he’s not?) who are incredulous, the doctor is totally unhelpful and now they gotta figure this out. Mitch thinks he should pull the plug and Gail thinks Dawson should sit back and do nothing.

Outside at the resort, the teenagers are running amok like children and hopefully no other guests are there getting hit by snowballs.

Pacey and Joey are actually in this fucking room. Looks like a suite with a king size bed and fireplace. What high school would book this room for sharing between teenagers? Pacey has turned on the TV and there’s porn. AGAIN, wtf? It’s hard to suspend my disbelief that this scenario is even possible.

Joey looks weirded out and Pacey turns it off. They talk about the sex they’re not having.

In Jen and Jack’s room, there’s two twin beds. Again, not something most resorts have. Two double beds, sure. Jen thinks her ankle is sprained. She wants Jack to help her take off her pants so she can have a hot bath. Jack thinks that crosses the boy-girl boundaries. Jen hobbles toward the bathroom and starts undressing and Jack puts the kibosh on that.

Gretchen comes to visit Dawson while he’s mulling over his choice. He’s like, I’m 17, how can I make this decision? And I’m wondering the same thing. Plot hole, much? Gretchen gives Dawson a pep talk about how his choice will be the right one.

Jen, Jack, Joey and Pacey meet up to decide where to go for dinner and Jen slips on the ice again.

Womp womp

Womp womp

At the restaurant, Drue’s talking about how easy it is for girls to have sex, and they should carry around condoms and boys are cheering. Joey says not all boys walk around with condoms in their wallet. Now all the boys are opening their wallets. Condoms everywhere. Pacey says he left his wallet back at the lodge.

Outside, Joey wants to know why Pacey didn’t show his wallet when it’s in his pocket. D’uh, Joey, it’s cause he has a condom in there and he didn’t want to embarrass her. He hands it to her, she opens it and finds a condom.

How dare you be prepared to be safe?!

How dare you be prepared to be safe?!

Jesus, if looks could kill. She silently walks away. Christ, Joey. What a priss.

Dawson talks to Grams in the hospital’s chapel. They talk about praying. Life and death. Light stuff. Dawson says his instincts are to keep waiting.

At the resort, kids are skating. No skiing yet. Jack and Joey are talking. She says sex is her problem because it’s always her problem. That’s not true, but moving along. She’s going over about the right time and shit. I’d think the right time might be with the boy you love, who you’ve been with the better part of a year in a private hotel suite when your graduation from high school is assured. But whatevs.

Jack tells her she’s basically overthinking it and it’s just a choice, no right or wrong one. She says she feels fear. Probably because she’s overselling herself the experience as life-changing or something. Note to teenagers: your virginity is not an actual tangible thing that defines you, it’s just a state of mind.

Jack tells her worthwhile things tend to be a little scary. So he’s essentially telling her to shit or get off the pot. Which, as you’re reaching adulthood, is pretty decent advice when it comes to stringing someone along.

At the hospital, an old man comes to visit Brooks. It was the friend who stole his girlfriend. He says he never told Brooks about Ellie’s death because he thought it would hurt him too much, but when he dies he’ll see her.

Dawson wants advice about choosing to pull the plug. The old guy says Brooks believed the answers to life’s questions could always be found in the movies:

Except Alive. Don't watch that one.

Except Alive. Don’t watch that one.

So I guess Dawson’s going to watch a bunch of movies to figure this out, but I don’t think ET or Jurassic Park can help him now.

At the resort, Jack comes back to the room to see Jen knee-deep in the mini bar. This couldn’t be more stupid. Those tiny bottles are hella expensive and how’s she going to explain that shit to Grams when she’s sent home with a bill for hundreds of dollars?

Jack says he wants to get dangerous and stupid tonight. Jen wants to stay in and get hammered.

Some girl comes to Pacey and Joey’s room (No teachers have checked in at any point to make sure there’s no nonsense) and she’s wearing a bikini under her open coat and invites them to the hot tub. Joey uses this as a way to pick a fight with Pacey, who is trying not to take the bait, but in the end calls her passive aggressive. Which she totally is.

Pacey then calls out the elephant in the room about why Joey’s so scared of sex with him. Dawson. She immediately disagrees, but it’s totally the reason. Pacey says she’s scared because she thought her first time would be with Dawson, and he’s scared she’s holding back because of that. Joey’s then affronted (because no one can ever make her happy) and Pacey leaves.

Jen and Jack have a heart-to-heart drunk chat. And they kiss. Perhaps he hadn’t worked out all his confusion with Joey yet.

Joey and Dawson are talking on the phone, about letting go. He’s talking about Brooks and she’s applying it to her own situation.

Pacey’s walking outside and sees that bikini girl who says he looks down and wants to help.

Jen and Jack are making out on the floor. But Jen calls a stop to it because Jack is too drunk, lonely and gay for this to be a good idea. She gets up and is walking around normally. So no sprain after all…?

At the hospital, Dawson has chosen to end Brooks’ suffering. Mitch, Gail and Gretchen are there for moral support along with Grams, who all leave him for a private goodbye after Brooks dies. I’m sort of taken out of the moment by seeing Brooks still breathing.

Outside, Jen is busted by a teacher dumping the empty bottles. He’s all what the hell? To think, you leave a pile of teenagers unsupervised with access to alcohol and this happens? Anyway, Jen brushes him off and walk away and the teacher does nothing. Yep.

Bikini girl comes onto Pacey, who’s like, n’ah, I love someone else who I want to be with for more than a night and I wouldn’t consider hurting her, so I’m not interested.

Rejection sads

Rejection sads

And there’s Joey, who watched the whole thing and is happy now. I’m thinking tonight’s the night.

Pacey offers to read her a story.

*sigh*

At the Leery house they do a screening of one of Brooks’ movies.

In their room, Pacey starts brushing Joey’s hair for her, and she subtly inquires about the condom, which in my old married state is a reasonable response to having my hair brushed.

I can see Joey’s hip bone. Eat a sandwich.

Oh look, they’re going to have sex! And Joey lists all the reasons she wants to. And he’s still so cautious just in case she pulls the rug out, but nope, I think it’s a go.

Here comes the credits.

Yep. It’s happened.

MVA: Joey. “The amount of sexual pleasure the average teenage girl gets from the average teenage guy at some random keg party hook-up is negligible at best.”

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 4, Episode 5 – The Family Way

Opening scene, the Dawson’s restaurant and Gail is pregnant. They don’t come right out and say that in the dialogue, but the episode’s title is rather obvious and on TV women only vomit if they’re with child, which is what Gail apparently spent the morning doing.

Dawson and Mitch want Gail to see a doctor, but Gail wants to run the restaurant. They eventually talk her into leaving, though, and while they discuss her illness, the waitress (Gretchen) is like, uh, she’s totally pregnant. And I can understand Dawson not seeing it, but Mitch supposedly has seen this before. Come on, man, get with it.

Say what now?

Say what now?

When Gail comes back, the three of them stare at each other stupidly until the opening credits start.

At the Leery house, Gail’s pregnancy test is positive or “pink” (no high tech tests 15 years ago I guess). Mitch is happy, Gail seems shocked and Dawson nonchalantly walks off without a word, perhaps to sulk like a wiener. You’d think 18 would be old enough to cope with a new sibling, but I guess not.

But I'm the baby!

But I’m the baby!

When he’s leaving, claiming he’s late to paint a house, Mitch is like, uh, aren’t you going to say anything? After a pregnant pause (Heh) Dawson gives a lame congratulations, and thus having rained on his parents’ big news, he hits the road.

At Joey’s house, she and Pacey are making out and he stops things and wants to watch TV. Turns out he’s tired of Joey always calling the shots on how long they’ll make out, so today he wants to decide. Joey wants to know if this means they’re having a fight. As the girl, only she may cease physical intimacy.

At a soccer field, Andie and an injured Jack are going to coach a children’s team because Andie somehow doesn’t have enough activities going on. She blathers about moulding young minds before admitting it’s about looking good to colleges. Nothing she ever does is for altruism or personal passion. Just looking good to universities. Awesome.

Andie introduces herself to the kids, who before this game had apparently never laid eyes on her before (How did she get this gig? Usually some hardcore sports parent takes over). She gives the sort of pretentious speech that kids hate, and they all groan. Jack jumps in, acts like a normal person, the kids like him and everyone’s happy. Except this kid named Molly who doesn’t want to be there ’cause she hates soccer.

At the Brooks house, Dawson is brooding and lollygagging and the old man wants him to work faster. This is the man whose boat Dawson stole to save his friends a couple episodes ago. After telling Dawson to keep his teenage angst to himself he picks up his photographs and starts offering harsh critiques. He tells him to put more emotion into his work and Dawson holds his temper and keeps painting the house.

In the cafeteria– So, I guess it’s tomorrow now– Joey is mulling over sex stuff with Jen. Basically she’s overthinking the whole thing. She wants to do it but doesn’t know if she’s ready and she’s agonizing about how you’re supposed to just know. She’s 17, in love, lived with the guy in question for months on a boat without doing anything, but still waiting, waiting, waiting.

But HOW do you KNOW?

But HOW do you KNOW?

Maybe I’m just too far removed from this stage of life to take this seriously, but it kinda seems like a no-brainer to me. Just do it already, use a condom, call it a day.

Jen, having been down this road before a few times, offers some sage advice: No one knows if they’re really ready, but you can still be prepared. Go to the free clinic, get sex advice and contraception. Good stuff, Jen. Joey looks happier.

The Leerys are in a waiting room that does not look at all like it’s for a doctor and they’re talking about the pregnancy. Mitch is all onboard, which is hunky dory since it’s not his 40-something body about to make life, and Gail lists her concerns and says where she’s at right now, she wouldn’t keep the pregnancy if she made the choice today. Mitch looks sick to his stomach. Maybe it’s good she told him in public so he wouldn’t make a scene, which I can’t help but think is coming.

On the soccer field– hang on. Joey and Jen were just in the cafeteria. Now we’re back to coaching kids soccer? Is this a new day of soccer? It can’t be the same game. Wait. They’re wearing the same clothes. Why aren’t they in school? Why is Dawson painting instead of in school? Whatever.

So this 28-year-old sister of Molly starts hitting on Jack, even when she learns he’s 18. She’s almost 30 and wants a teenage high school student. When she realizes she’s making him uncomfortable, she compounds it by making her flirtations more overt. Jack tries to spit out that he’s gay, but can’t seem to.

I like 'em barely legal.

I like ’em barely legal.

Dawson’s talking about photography with Gretchen and won’t stop snapping her picture, which seems wasteful as this is film we’re talking about. He alludes to being a genius in the making and doesn’t watch out for traffic while prancing around with his camera on the road.

Dawson sits down with her on a bench and says he’s upset about his mom’s pregnancy because their relationship doesn’t seem stable enough and they’re in debt. Well, that’s a nice normal reason. I was thinking he might have sibling rivalry, which shows how much credit I give this character.

Gretchen then turns Dawson’s attention to his mom, and how she must be feeling and that seems to get through to him pretty quick.

At the clinic, Joey is being seen by a nurse to talk some sex stuff. And this woman is the worst. She starts immediately and abruptly on this fear campaign about all the shit that can go wrong. Then when she sees she’s wigging Joey out she’s like “These aren’t even the hard questions!” Then she stops asking her stuff altogether and tells her sex can be fun if you’re responsible, and hands her a bag of condoms and spermicide.

On her way out, Joey’s stopped one more time by this nurse who commands her to smile. The fuck? You just talked to her about AIDS, it’s not like she’s at the B&B scaring off customers. She doesn’t have to smile.

And check out this poster in the background:

"Sex can be a real scream". Better than that nurse's mantra of sex will leave you pregnant with AIDS.

“Sex can be a real scream”.
Better than that nurse’s mantra of sex will leave you pregnant with AIDS.

On the soccer field, Jack is complaining about Caroline, Molly’s skeevy sister who was coming onto him. Andie says tell her you’re gay. Jack says since he’s working with kids, he doesn’t want it to be an issue and he’s not interested in being a gay rights crusader over it. Sometimes I forget how far we’ve come in just 15 years because it never occurred to me that was the reason he didn’t tell her he was gay.

At the Leery house, Dawson wants to talk to his parents about his reaction to the news. He says it’s exciting, but Gail and Mitch tell him they’re not having the baby. And I was wrong, Mitch is not making a scene, but Dawson is certainly not taking it well. I don’t know how well boys are attuned to women’s reproductive rights when they’re 18, but still.

Gail is obviously saddened, and said she suspected she was pregnant for a little while but didn’t want to face it before as she knew how she’d deal with it. Dawson is complaining because he is trying to be supportive, but seems to not grasp that maybe his mom could use some support for her choice.

He asks his dad incredulously, “And you agreed to this?” Dude, it’s not really a matter of him agreeing to let it happen, it’s more that he’s not going to attempt to impose his will upon his wife, which is not his legal right to do anyway.

Gail tearfully apologizes and ends the conversation and leaves.

In the morning, Mitch comes up to tell a sulking Dawson breakfast is ready and that Gail is sorry Dawson is unhappy. Dawson wants to know what his dad thinks, expecting him to be mad too. Mitch is more enlightened and says it’s her body, her choice and he doesn’t want her to be pregnant if she doesn’t think it’s the right thing for her. So that’s nice.

Dawson’s like, but what if it’s the wrong decision? Buddy, like you’re the one to be able to gauge that, ye who will leave the house in less than a year and will be making no commitments.  Mitch gives him a nice talk about being happy with the family you have, and hopefully Dawson will stop being such a dick about this.

At the Potter B&B, Bess has discovered Joey’s new stash of contraceptives. Womp womp.

On the soccer field, Caroline approaches Jack and asks him out. Andie first pretends to be his girlfriend, then pretends Jack has a girlfriend who’s a black belt, then just gives up all pretences but cockblocks all the same. Or boxblocks. Not sure what the terminology is when you prevent a creepy grown woman from hitting on a gay high school student.

But Jack does tell her he’s gay, finally, and she then acts like she knew it all along and makes a quick exit.

Dawson meets up with Gretchen to talk about his mom’s pending abortion. Omg… like Gail needs her private business discussed outside the family. This guy has no sense of boundaries sometimes; he thinks it’s all about him.

He tells Gretchen he’s not handling it well and then realizes she’s had an unwanted pregnancy before. She tells the story, which ends in her choosing abortion but miscarrying before she can do it. This always happens on TV (Kind of like how every birth begins with water breaking in public). The abortion rarely ever actually happens, even when it’s decided on. Just a public service announcement here, but it’s a really common procedure and though you may not be aware of it, statistically you likely know several women who’ve had one. It’d be nice if one show had the balls to tell this story.

Dawson thanks Gretchen for trusting him with her story and says he won’t tell anyone. Too bad he doesn’t have this same respect for privacy with his own mother.

At the B&B, Bess makes a snarky remark about Joey being up all night. Joey calls her out. And right there in front of what looks like paying guests at the table, they get into a family dispute about Joey having sex.

Eventually it gets so heated the guests leave the table and it’s a good thing Yelp wasn’t invented yet, though I’d love to read those reviews after this.

At a soccer game, apparently two boys aren’t coming back because Jack is “dangerous”. Sigh. Caroline’s an asshole. Molly’s a nice kid though, and tells Jack she knows he’s not dangerous, and they’re just jerks.

Outside, Bodie takes Alexander over to Joey and they talk about sex. I don’t think I’d get into this with my brother-in-law, personally. I must say, he certainly seems pretty chill about the shitshow in front of the customers.

At the Leery house, Dawson wants to talk to his parents. So he turns off the TV show they were watching without asking first. I’ve never known a conversation to go well after that kind of a dick move.

He tells her before she go ahead with her choice he wants her to know she’s a great mother and he’s proud of her, which is a beautiful thing to say, but maybe he could have told her that a long time ago instead of as a way to guilt her out of an abortion.

At the… lighthouse(?) Joey and Pacey are making out. Does Pacey live in the lighthouse? Anyway, Pacey puts a stop to their making out and Joey calmly accepts it this time. She says she’s not going to get talked into sex with this reverse psychology, then she sort of reveals that she went to the free clinic.

Pacey now feels bad and says he doesn’t want to pressure her to do things she doesn’t want to do.

Nuts.

Nuts.

Then Joey’s like, even though we’re not having sex, there’s certain things we could do. And that sounds like a segue to third base, but she just says “kissing.” Pacey tickles her instead.

On the soccer field, Jack wonders if he should quit coaching and laments saying he was gay. Andie gives him a pep talk, only her tone suggests she thinks he’s making a big deal out of something small, when really… not so much.

At Mr. Brooks’ house, Dawson is still painting, in the dark, and the old man comes out to belittle him and his new photos. But then he comes upon one he likes and we the viewers don’t get to see which one he’s talking about. It’s a of a woman. So either Gretchen, Joey or Gail. Please let it not be Joey. That would just be too stupid.

And it's Gretchen.

And it’s Gretchen.

Well, that’s a relief.

And now there’s a musical montage. Bess and Joey are washing dishes and making up. Dawson’s developing more shots of Gretchen. Jack is walking alone at night on the soccer field. Gail’s looking through Dawson’s baby book.

The end. I think we can all guess she’s not going through with the abortion.

MVA: Joey. Let me get this straight: Your girlfriend offers you her lips in the spirit of teenage lust and you’d rather sit here and watch the E! True Hollywood Story on Danny Bonaduce for the fourth time?