Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 5, Episode 8 – Hotel New Hampshire

Opening scene, Dawson is talking about his floundering with Pacey on his boat. Pacey is talking about loving the kitchen at work and this coworker who isn’t into him. And looks like these two are buddies again now that Pacey’s not boning Joey, even though it’s been less than half a year and generally people hold grudges for shit like that a lot longer.

CREDITS

Jen and Joey are studying together. Joey used to hate Jen, but now that she’s surrounded by a college full of new people to hate, Jen’s her best pal, I guess. She asks how Dawson’s been, since she hasn’t seen him in awhile. Jen says he’s doing okay. Joey says she’s starting to feel not so bad about not being the one who’s there for him. Makes sense. She’s complete shit at being supportive.

It's true, I'm the worst.

It’s true, I’m the worst.

At the frat, they’re getting ready for the formal. The guy talking calls Jack a lady, and everyone including him laughs. Then he says everyone must have a date and get laid, and shows a list of potential dates. So far Jack is all, heh, list! The guys start talking hot chicks and Jack just drinks his drink and thinks about something other than vaginas. Then they call on him to get one of the guys a date with his attractive female friend. And as near as I can figure he just pimped Jen out to a random frat neanderthal.

Pacey shows up at his coworker’s house, the one who’s sleeping with the boss, and gives her an offer of a platonic night to give her a break from her shitty relationship. She hesitates and then takes him up on it.

In therapy, Dawson is lamenting his friends are treating him with kid gloves still, and his shrink tells him to go to the film festival that’s coming up and take one of his buddies.

At the radio station, Jen’s got a gig, I guess, mooning about breakups on the air. The other woman, Nora, who I thought was a plot device, shows up so I guess she’s now a regular guest.

Jen’s saying she’s done with Charlie, and the other chick is like, I wish I had that confidence. And she mentions his latest attempt at “wooing us back,” thing. The look on Jen’s face says he isn’t trying to win them back, just Nora.

Dafuq?

Dafuq?

Nora learns Jen hasn’t gotten any love letters and is all, oh… I’m sorry! But really, it’s likely she showed up to find out just that and will now go throw herself at Charlie, as it seems she was the real girlfriend and Jen was the side chick. Womp womp. Well, I guess now Jen’s self esteem will be shitty enough to go out with that frat pile from earlier. Jen tells Nora she doesn’t care.

But she’s crying to Dawson soon after saying that she does want corny love letters and that she does care very much.

Rats!

Y no LETTERS?

Jen calls herself a floozy, Dawson laughs and then kisses her forehead. Admittedly, floozy is a rather delightful word these days; so much more playful and gentle than slut. Let’s bring back floozy.

Jen’s misery and mortification is the perfect set-up for him to ask her to leave town to go to that film festival.

With Jen out of the picture, Jack invites Audrey instead, along with Joey, to double date with him and that frat guy named Eric at the formal. The door knocks at their dorm and Audrey wants to pose before Joey opens the door. Why she has to be such a dingbat, I’m not sure. Eric calls Audrey a stone cold fox.

At the film festival, the receptionist girl hits on Dawson in an uncomfortable way and rudely asks Jen if she’s his girlfriend. Jen then laughs like it’s a huge joke, which is also kinda weird. Some guy runs up and tells Dawson he’s big news and his screening sold out. Then he calls another director retarded. I’m not sure at what point that word stopped being used so casually, but I don’t think it would fly on TV anymore. Well, HBO, but you know.

Dawson and Jen open their hotel room door and inside is the cheesiest bed ever.

I expect some whoopee!

I expect some whoopee!

At the formal, guys approach Eric and Jack and say “score”, like appraising a woman you don’t know right in front of her isn’t remarkably gross. Joey says Jen should be there too to share in the pain and Jack tells her Jen’s having a weekend out of town with Dawson. Joey’s now got a case of the sads.

At Pacey’s non-date with his coworker Karen, he keeps things light until BAM he doesn’t and brings up that she’s a woman on the side and deserves better.

At the festival, a seemingly over-done film directed by the “retarded” local celebrity is showing. Smoke Crack & Worship Satan. Yeah.

Too much?

Too much?

But apparently it’s really good. I can only imagine what it’s about from the title.

Dawson pooh-poohs his movie and Jen gives him a pep talk. Then the director of the Satan movie pops out wearing a silly-looking hat and mentions he’s won the festival three times in a row and calls Dawson a “Hollywood slickster.” Then he calls Jen pretty, stares at her strangely and hoofs it out of there.

Pacey and his date do some banter that I don’t give a shit about. Then they have a goodnight kiss that immediately leads to making out, which immediately leads to them tearing into her home and getting undressed. Also she knocks over a lamp.

At the festival, Dawson’s movie is done screening and the head festival guy introduces Dawson, but first talks about how Mitch wrote a letter along with the video about his son’s talent. Dawson gives a small speech, dedicates the film to his father and gives a shoutout to his “girlfriend” Jen.

At the party, Audrey is bored stiff by her date. He gets up to go get a drink and complains to Jack that she doesn’t like him and maybe she’s a prude. Jack tells him not to worry and that Audrey’s easy. Joey overhears and looks incensed.

I kills you

I kills you

Then Jack sees Joey heard him and he looks like he ate a bag of whoops.

After they’re done fooling around (or sleeping together? Not sure) Karen is angry, so maybe the sex wasn’t very good. No afterglow here. She says Pacey’s not worth what she’s risking. He asks if she slept with him to get back at her boss/lover. Ah. There we are. And yes, it was revenge sex. Pacey leaves in a huff.

At the festival, sore loser Satan film Oliver tells Dawson he loved his film and he isn’t as much of a goon as he thought. He tells him about a media arts school in… Boston (Go figure!) full of nerds and freaks and stuff. So, obviously here’s the new plan. Not subtle.

Oliver points out, “there’s your girl” to Dawson when he sees Jen. Dawson’s about to correct him, that she’s not really his girlfriend, but stops. He’s got that look in his eye, so maybe after these many years he’s finally attracted to Jen again now that he’s sick of Joey ruining his life.

At the formal, Joey’s giving Jack the business over the shit he said about Audrey and he doesn’t seem to think it was a big deal. Then she calls him out on not spending time with them anymore and being a general asshole these days. He pretty much tells her to get off her high horse and no one’s forcing anyone to be there. So Joey marches right out.

Back in the cheesy hotel room, Dawson and Jen have a conversation that steers back to “so, why didn’t we work out?” I knew it. They rehash their breakup and Jen throwing herself at him and they laugh, and he says ultimately Jen just wasn’t attracted to him. And so Jen kisses him.

Ohohoho, and I think after Joey, Eve and Gretchen giving him the heave ho, he’s finally going to lose his virginity, and to Jen. And why not?

In the morning, Dawson wakes up a happy camper.

I did it!

I did it!

At the restaurant, Pacey goes in to quit and finds out that Karen already has. Boss man gives him the chance to rescind his resignation and expresses regret for putting him in the middle of it all. Pacey doesn’t say anything and leaves. Uh, so did he quit or not?

At the dorm room, Joey walks in on Jack apologizing to Audrey, who forgives him with gusto. Joey also talks to him, he’s sorry and then boom, everything’s fine again.

Pacey sees Karen outside the restaurant and they, I don’t know, debrief. She encourages him not to quit, and then they huge, she leaves and that’s that.

As they’re packing to leave the cheesy hotel, Jen talks to Dawson about how sex changes everything and she’s worried. He says it felt right and if things change, who says it’ll be bad, and so bring it on. Jen seems happy with that. And then they decide to stay (Another hour? Another night? Who knows.)

Well, good for him. I was rooting for that guy’s boner for some time.

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Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 4, Episode 15 – Four Stories

Ok, #spoilers or whatever, but have you guys seen this: http://www.buzzfeed.com/jarettwieselman/dawsons-creek-series-finale-you-never-saw#.plnG074vA0

As not this woman’s son, and a member of #teampacey, I enjoy how pissed his mom was.

Anyways…

Jen and Jack are boarding the bus talking about making babies and a sarcastic teacher is too busy snarking at kids to notice that Joey and Pacey are too busy basking in the afterglow to get on the bus home. A teacher would definitely be fired or at least lynched here in Canada for that kind of crap. Welcome to Capeside where every day is backwards day.

Joey is uncharacteristically silent while I wonder how long it takes for them to get her tucked in to that sheet, all perfect like so it looks more like a ballgown than sweaty hotel bedding.

Between the sheets

Between the sheets

Story # 1 “About last night”

Once they discover they have been left Home alone, Pacey asks if Joey told her big sis about how they took the big leap. (Nope, because that’s creepy?) Pacey keeps talking about taking her virginity and eww. Pacey wants to know how it was and Joey says “nice” and the whole conversation is too much to even put down. Then they bicker, and the conversation comes to whether she is gonna tell Dawson. More bickering. Joey takes off crying.

Pacey follows and she blubbers and is suddenly nice, and tells him she’s glad they did it.

Cool story, bro.

Story # 2 “The big Picture”

Dawson and the Gretch. Grams told Dawson to meet her in film guy’s garage. When they enter she is holding a gun and threatens to use it on Jen (joke is on her, it is not a real gun). Grams is ready to donate all film guy’s stuff to something other than a trash bin. Dawson and Gretch look through his stuff for anything pawnable. They find a script and dishonour the dead by attempting to act it out.

Dawson freaks because five people showed up at the guy’s funeral. Dawson is worried he will turn out the same way, and Gretch reassures him that he will continue to be a genius, but one with friends.

Dawson asks her to take a powder so he can be alone. Some lawyer dude shows up (how tacky, right after the funeral!).

how rude

how rude

He wants to talk to Dawson later that afternoon in his office. Here’s an idea, little buddy. It’s called a telephone and it’s used to make appointments so you don’t have to drive all over town to let people know you would like to see them later.

So, let’s guess the old dude left Dawson all his money?

Story #3 Excess baggage

not this

not this

Jen is at therapy and the music makes you think something goofy and funny will happen, but only her bag gets stuck in the door. Jen is bouncing off the walls and the shrink is not loving it. Then she asks him a bunch of personal questions and knocks his degree off the wall and smashes it (degree not wall). She’s pissed that he isn’t tossing her roses and giving her hugs so she goes to walk out and then he reverse psychologies her, she calls him on it, and then comes back to lay down on his couch.

he is already laughing

he is already laughing

Also, Shrink has a mac!

mac attack

mac attack

Story #4 “Seems like old times”

Dawson and Joey discover that they both decided to go see the same movie alone (what.are.the.odds.). They decide to go somewhere else and talk instead. Turns out the old guy left Dawson enough money to pay his entire college tuition (AND DAMN U.S. TUITION AINT CHEAP). Dawson notices Joey looks different, and now that he mentions it, her cheeks have been super flushed all episode (duh, she lost her virginity, that’s what happens).

Joey is worried she is a bad friend and Dawson is like you are my best friend.

Then they walk around to some jazz music and run into a lady with a million floofy dogs and other cute date-like things. At the end of the night Dawson point blank asks her if she banged Pacey. Then he babbles on about some promise she made that he won’t hold her to (what did she promise? Her cherry?). She goes on a big speech, and ultimately…she lies.

And Dawson makes this face:

it could still be mine

it could still be mine

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 4, Episode 14 – A Winter’s Tale

Opening scene is Gretchen spreading her aged wisdom about the senior class skiing trip being a rite and passage and how it’s cruel and unusual. For all they bitch about the cruelty of life in this town, when the alleged poorest kid in town, Joey Potter, can afford to go on a ski trip I’m not convinced of anything other than privileged whining.

But apparently on Gretchen’s trip, a girl got pregnant, another arrested and someone’s hair caught on fire. And I guess this is normal and yet the ski trip remains a thing?

Before Pacey and Joey leave, Gretchen tells Joey to call Dawson. Sounds like he’s taking Brooks’ death hard. Jen is telling Jack she should be at the hospital with Grams. So is Brooks not dead then? I’d wonder why Grams is letting Jen go on a trip where it’s normal for teen girls to get pregnant, but I suppose she’s distracted by her ailing gentleman friend.

Anyway, Jen is complaining about the trip because that’s what these people do. Ugh, skiiing!

Pacey says it’s good to get out of town and for some reason Joey is being an ass about that comment, “Are we those types of people…?”

On the bus, Jen’s like, I don’t even know how to ski! And she’s acting like this is the first time she’s considered that. Joey, meanwhile, looks surprised and startled when the teacher reaches the letter P on the roll call and actually calls her name for attendance. She seems equally shocked to turn around and see Drue sitting behind her. Like you wouldn’t have noticed your arch rival taking the seat behind you.

Jen is still trying to push Toby on Jack. Jack is not into someone as flaming as Toby. Jen doesn’t know any other gay dude, so apparently this means Jack has to fall for fucking Toby whether he wants to or not. Because Jack’s lack of attraction to this guy is not seen as a good enough reason not to bone him.

Pacey asks Drue if he thinks he’s going to get away with this. Is Drue not supposed to be on the trip? Drue taunts Pacey about him not getting laid this weekend.

Not gettin' nothin'.

Not gettin’ nothin’.

At the hospital, Dawson talks to Grams, who is staying with Brooks who is in a coma, still has cancer and is decidedly not going to make it.

At the ski resort, Pacey wants to carry their shit but Joey insists on doing it out of a misunderstanding of what feminism means. Pacey’s like, fuck this, and grabs the huge bag and carries it way more easily. I think it’s weird they are sharing a bag.

A teacher says all sleeping arrangements are same sex and the keys to the mini bars have been confiscated, amidst groans. Drue takes the keys and starts tossing them out to people as the teacher walks away. Like this would ever happen anywhere. This level of supervising ineptitude explains the aforementioned pregnancy last year.

Jen slips on the ice.

At the hospital, Dawson learns that because he signed a paper to be able to pick up Brooks’ meds, it now means he has the power to decide to take him off life support too ’cause Brooks has no immediate family. Is Dawson even legally old enough to make this choice?

They call his parents (First sign maybe he’s not?) who are incredulous, the doctor is totally unhelpful and now they gotta figure this out. Mitch thinks he should pull the plug and Gail thinks Dawson should sit back and do nothing.

Outside at the resort, the teenagers are running amok like children and hopefully no other guests are there getting hit by snowballs.

Pacey and Joey are actually in this fucking room. Looks like a suite with a king size bed and fireplace. What high school would book this room for sharing between teenagers? Pacey has turned on the TV and there’s porn. AGAIN, wtf? It’s hard to suspend my disbelief that this scenario is even possible.

Joey looks weirded out and Pacey turns it off. They talk about the sex they’re not having.

In Jen and Jack’s room, there’s two twin beds. Again, not something most resorts have. Two double beds, sure. Jen thinks her ankle is sprained. She wants Jack to help her take off her pants so she can have a hot bath. Jack thinks that crosses the boy-girl boundaries. Jen hobbles toward the bathroom and starts undressing and Jack puts the kibosh on that.

Gretchen comes to visit Dawson while he’s mulling over his choice. He’s like, I’m 17, how can I make this decision? And I’m wondering the same thing. Plot hole, much? Gretchen gives Dawson a pep talk about how his choice will be the right one.

Jen, Jack, Joey and Pacey meet up to decide where to go for dinner and Jen slips on the ice again.

Womp womp

Womp womp

At the restaurant, Drue’s talking about how easy it is for girls to have sex, and they should carry around condoms and boys are cheering. Joey says not all boys walk around with condoms in their wallet. Now all the boys are opening their wallets. Condoms everywhere. Pacey says he left his wallet back at the lodge.

Outside, Joey wants to know why Pacey didn’t show his wallet when it’s in his pocket. D’uh, Joey, it’s cause he has a condom in there and he didn’t want to embarrass her. He hands it to her, she opens it and finds a condom.

How dare you be prepared to be safe?!

How dare you be prepared to be safe?!

Jesus, if looks could kill. She silently walks away. Christ, Joey. What a priss.

Dawson talks to Grams in the hospital’s chapel. They talk about praying. Life and death. Light stuff. Dawson says his instincts are to keep waiting.

At the resort, kids are skating. No skiing yet. Jack and Joey are talking. She says sex is her problem because it’s always her problem. That’s not true, but moving along. She’s going over about the right time and shit. I’d think the right time might be with the boy you love, who you’ve been with the better part of a year in a private hotel suite when your graduation from high school is assured. But whatevs.

Jack tells her she’s basically overthinking it and it’s just a choice, no right or wrong one. She says she feels fear. Probably because she’s overselling herself the experience as life-changing or something. Note to teenagers: your virginity is not an actual tangible thing that defines you, it’s just a state of mind.

Jack tells her worthwhile things tend to be a little scary. So he’s essentially telling her to shit or get off the pot. Which, as you’re reaching adulthood, is pretty decent advice when it comes to stringing someone along.

At the hospital, an old man comes to visit Brooks. It was the friend who stole his girlfriend. He says he never told Brooks about Ellie’s death because he thought it would hurt him too much, but when he dies he’ll see her.

Dawson wants advice about choosing to pull the plug. The old guy says Brooks believed the answers to life’s questions could always be found in the movies:

Except Alive. Don't watch that one.

Except Alive. Don’t watch that one.

So I guess Dawson’s going to watch a bunch of movies to figure this out, but I don’t think ET or Jurassic Park can help him now.

At the resort, Jack comes back to the room to see Jen knee-deep in the mini bar. This couldn’t be more stupid. Those tiny bottles are hella expensive and how’s she going to explain that shit to Grams when she’s sent home with a bill for hundreds of dollars?

Jack says he wants to get dangerous and stupid tonight. Jen wants to stay in and get hammered.

Some girl comes to Pacey and Joey’s room (No teachers have checked in at any point to make sure there’s no nonsense) and she’s wearing a bikini under her open coat and invites them to the hot tub. Joey uses this as a way to pick a fight with Pacey, who is trying not to take the bait, but in the end calls her passive aggressive. Which she totally is.

Pacey then calls out the elephant in the room about why Joey’s so scared of sex with him. Dawson. She immediately disagrees, but it’s totally the reason. Pacey says she’s scared because she thought her first time would be with Dawson, and he’s scared she’s holding back because of that. Joey’s then affronted (because no one can ever make her happy) and Pacey leaves.

Jen and Jack have a heart-to-heart drunk chat. And they kiss. Perhaps he hadn’t worked out all his confusion with Joey yet.

Joey and Dawson are talking on the phone, about letting go. He’s talking about Brooks and she’s applying it to her own situation.

Pacey’s walking outside and sees that bikini girl who says he looks down and wants to help.

Jen and Jack are making out on the floor. But Jen calls a stop to it because Jack is too drunk, lonely and gay for this to be a good idea. She gets up and is walking around normally. So no sprain after all…?

At the hospital, Dawson has chosen to end Brooks’ suffering. Mitch, Gail and Gretchen are there for moral support along with Grams, who all leave him for a private goodbye after Brooks dies. I’m sort of taken out of the moment by seeing Brooks still breathing.

Outside, Jen is busted by a teacher dumping the empty bottles. He’s all what the hell? To think, you leave a pile of teenagers unsupervised with access to alcohol and this happens? Anyway, Jen brushes him off and walk away and the teacher does nothing. Yep.

Bikini girl comes onto Pacey, who’s like, n’ah, I love someone else who I want to be with for more than a night and I wouldn’t consider hurting her, so I’m not interested.

Rejection sads

Rejection sads

And there’s Joey, who watched the whole thing and is happy now. I’m thinking tonight’s the night.

Pacey offers to read her a story.

*sigh*

At the Leery house they do a screening of one of Brooks’ movies.

In their room, Pacey starts brushing Joey’s hair for her, and she subtly inquires about the condom, which in my old married state is a reasonable response to having my hair brushed.

I can see Joey’s hip bone. Eat a sandwich.

Oh look, they’re going to have sex! And Joey lists all the reasons she wants to. And he’s still so cautious just in case she pulls the rug out, but nope, I think it’s a go.

Here comes the credits.

Yep. It’s happened.

MVA: Joey. “The amount of sexual pleasure the average teenage girl gets from the average teenage guy at some random keg party hook-up is negligible at best.”

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 2, Episode 10 – High Risk Behavior

Pacey and Dawson are finally declaring their love for one another and let’s all pretend we don’t know it is for his movie. In case you were wondering PACEY is the girl.

bromance

bromance

After reading the unrealistic dialogue. Pacey asks Dawson, How many teenagers do you know that talk like that? I.e. More naval gazing by our esteemed writers. Next, Pacey wants to turn Dawson’s movie into a porn and Dawson is like don’t be so gauche.

Roll credits. (Ever wonder what the random wheat is about? Me neither.)

what's wheat got to do with it got to do with it?

what’s wheat got to do with it got to do with it?

I am happy to report the geese are landing on the lake and it is still fall. Maybe this is where the geese fly to when they go south. Where is Capeside again?

Anyway, Dawson and Jen are handing out flyers so all of highschool can audition for his film. Jen wants to cast some dark and brooding sewer rat, not the guy with the sex appeal of a bucket who Dawson wants.

Pacey got tested for an STD, I think? I musta missed something. Andie is like don’t think just because you aren’t riddled with STDs doesn’t mean I will bang you, and he’s like a-ok, but then she gets sad and wants to make sure he finds her bangable.

Joey is sketching a naked dude while sitting at a picnic table and Dawson is all: isn’t that weird. And Joey is like I seen a lot of dicks, buddy. Then she tries not to act like she cares Jen has replaced her as producer and masturbatory fantasy.

Abby hates on the sad film Dawson is making and this new bad guy (Chris) wants them both to audition.

Jack shows up carrying around an actual glass of water… he looks at the naked dude then spills his chocolate milk (not water, my bad) all over him.

spilled milk

spilled milk

At movie tryouts: a purple girl auditions and it turns out they’re all purple people who are ugly and stupid and gum-chewing and completely unsuitable for Dawson’s masterpiece.

watch out for the one- eyed, one-horned, flying, purple people eater

watch out for the one- eyed, one-horned, flying, purple people eater

…just…no

…just…no

Jack comes to Joey’s locker to say sorry for the milk again. And she is like imma fail my art class over this and Jack is like I will totally drop trou for you so you can draw my dick. She figures the male form is the male form, so how could this go wrong.

Andie is buying her crazy pills (please, no angry letters…actually eff it, angry letter the shit out of me on this one..at least I would know someone was out there) and Pacey so delicately grabs her script and goes through her bag and finds out whoopsie, she’s on Xanax. She throws mom under the bus (claiming they have the same first name—no idea if this is true) Then they get distracted because it’s the condom aisle. Andie wants to buy them just in case.

what is dis

what is dis

Chris the movie star also thinks Dawon’s movie people shoud do it. Dawson is like please, he’s too advanced for sex.

Chris reads and it is way better than any of those others until he gets distracted mouth-raping Abby and she gets mad and all hell breaks loose.

a thank ya

a thank ya

Andie is telling Pacey the combination for her chastity belt, and they talk about sex some more.

Jen calls Dawson out on only writing his own life and for not considering her a main character in his life. Jen fishes for compliments and she wants to talk about sex too and Dawson is like MY MOVIE IS ABOUT ROMANCE NOT SEX. And then I think she implies they shoulda banged.

Joey is set up to paint nakedJack. He tells Joey he can wear a towel if she wants to sketch around “it” for a bit. For some reason he is lying on a bed just like in Titanic instead of sitting like chocolate milk guy.

DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH GIRLS

DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH GIRLS

She freaks out and knocks over the world and he drops his towel and then he’s like, well, you seen it, you might as well draw it.

…just…no

…just…no

And then they talk about how her life is so plain that she never thought she would be sitting around drawing dick all night. Life in the fast lane at its fullest.

She makes small talk and asks what scares him and guess what he says

SEX

I rename this episode RISKY CONVERSATION (ABOUT S-E-X).

Dawson is hanging out in Jen’s backyard in the dark and Pacey and Andie are having a candlelit dinner and nakedJack is confessing he’s no virgin.

Jen says if he gets desperate she can play his leading lady and Dawson is like maybe you should have and she’s like you think?

Joey and Jack talk about how scary sex is… and you know, I hung out with the nerds (sorry Jenn) and we didn’t have such pussy conversations all the time, so someone please tell me who the hell actually does?

Jen goes on a big speech about reasons why people knock boots and then offers to spread ’em for Dawson.

Jack talks about his first time and Joey isn’t even pretending to paint anymore. He then compares teenage fumblings toward sex to Van Gogh. Oops and Monet and a bunch other super-famous artist peeps.

The phone rings and maybe he has a boner or something? Alls I know is everyone looks like something happened when nothing did.

Pacey has Andie blindfolded at a bed and breakfast just like her fantasy deflowering. He explains to her that he’s not there to get some, but to give her her dream night. She doesn’t listen and continues to freak out. He calms her down and they make out in front of the fire someone so thoughtfully lit for them.

fiddle dee dee where could we be

fiddle dee dee where could we be

Dawson is on his computer and puts Joey’s pic on his nightstand.

Jack is apologizing to Joey (for his boner?) and now they were getting nekid in the living room? Even though there was a dresser. Whatever. I guess poor people do weird stuff. Jack makes another pass. And Joey is like this is better when you have you clothes on. So they suck some face.

milk-less art

milk-less art

Rather than jerk off, Dawson instead climbs in Jen’s window and then they start to makeout. And he basically says I’m using you, and she is like haven’t you seen the last season? That’s my wheelhouse.

And she makes this face for many many minutes

And she makes this face for many many minutes

Pacey says he doesn’t want to do Andie because it is not the right thing. He wants to wait until she is ready.

EVERYBODY IS SUCKING FACE

…except Pacey and Andie. They are leaving the B&B holding hands.

The screen legit says “To be continued” uh ya, I know. It’s kinda what happens mid-season during a tv series…

thanks tips

thanks tips

MVA:  Abby: I need some time to process here. My electrical synapses are on overload. My brain says one thing but my heart says something else. That I should consider the unequivocal, possibly damaging, highly irrational, hypnotically scarring, proposition of loving you back.

 

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 2, Episode 6 – The Dance

Dancin' Queen

Dancin’ Queen

Andie is jumping around like an overall-wearing maniac to the tune of Footloose. Then we zoom out to see that she isn’t even alone—Pacey Dawson and Joey are watching her go to town.

Audience

Audience to the madness

Andie wants to go to the school dance, but the gang would prefer to stay home and watch a movie about dances (sounds like they were ahead of their time). They talk about how they don’t participate in high school, and she is disappointed that their teen memories will consist of bitching and moaning.

In a last ditch effort to get her way, she figures sex sells, and everyone will go to the dance if she implies they might get a little action, so she pimps out Joey’s virginity.

Cue theme music.

Bess drops Joey off in the ole jalopy. Joey tells sis that Jack kissed her and she wants to know if she should tell Dawson what happened. Bess is all hells to the no, you lie through your teeth and put it behind you. And Joey is like, shit, why didn’t I think of that?

Personally, I'd get dropped off in the next block

Personally, I’d get dropped off in the next block

“Kiss me” is blaring in the background and whatever happened to Sixpence None the Richer? The song confusingly overlaps into Jen and Abbie discussing whether this high school girl in a tight sweater got a boob job. I guess they are friends again, which I would like to rag on the show for, but that’s just the nature of high school I guess.

Abbie wants to break up some jock and boob job, and says this is a form of goal setting. Which should be easy as they are fighting in the halls.

Joey and Dawson have a quick smooch and then Dawson suggests he might like to bang Joey. Abbie tosses insults at the couple. Joey says she worries for Jen and says they should invite Jen to the dance out of pity. Then Joey sees Jack and runs away.

Pacey and Andie talk about her crazy mom and Pacey is real sensitive and whatnot. But he says he draws the line at dancing. Andie and Dawson want to set up Jack and Jen and Pacey tries to be the voice of reason. He is ignored.

Mom and Dad on the screened-in porch and Dawson walks in and you know by everyone’s faces that this ain’t gonna be good.

This don't bode well

This don’t bode well

They use an awful lot of words to say they are splitting up. Dawson tries to school them on how to save their marriage but Dad is like, kiddo, shut it, I got one foot out the door already. Check ya later.

didn't see this coming

Didn’t see this coming

Andie asks Jack to let her have a night off from worrying about her psycho mom. Pacey rolls up in a cop car (driving it).

Dad and Mom pack up their own car and say that the spilt is temporary and they can still talk and stuff. This car parked in the middle of the lawn for some reason.

pave paradise, put up a parking lot

Pave paradise, put up a parking lot

Mom is sobbing in the kitchen, slicing veggies instead of her wrists. Dawson is worried and she cleverly claims onions make her cry. Dawson offers to stay and mom won’t look at him, even when he specifically requests it.

Back to the dance and awkward Joey and Jack. Jen shows up looking like she accidentally left the curlers in her hair.

Methinks Michelle Williams pissed off her hair stylist

Methinks Michelle Williams pissed off her hair stylist

There is much fancy dancing unlike anything I ever saw at my high school. Maybe they have a dance internship.

nice moves

Nice moves

do you see her leg is parallel to the floor?

Do you see her leg is parallel to the floor?

look closely and prepare to wtf

Look closely and prepare to wtf

Abbie shows up looking proper ’90s skank, and promptly insinuates Jen is a cow.

Jen and Jack sort out that they are being set up, and Dawson waxes poetic about when Mom and Dad used to bang on the coffee table, THEN in the same breath says him and Joey oughta go for a spin on the ole coffee table since Mom and Dad aren’t using it.

Dawson and Joey will not be outdone

Dawson and Joey will not be outdone

Since Pacey won’t dance with Andie, she steps out on him. Left alone for 12 seconds, Pacey eyeballs boob job.

Andie makes Joey and Jack dance so she can dance with Dawson. They talk about the kiss and Joey storms off. He psychoanalyzes her. Dawson hears that they sucked face, and Joey says nothing and runs away.

Abbie is snuggled up to boob job’s BF.

Dawson confronts Jack, who refuses to apologize because he would still like to kiss her some more, so Dawson throws a punch (In the ’90s there was no such thing as zero tolerance. Remember when he punched out Pacey?). Abbie is impressed with him for once.

Bad Dawson!

Bad Dawson!

Pacey makes a run at boob job. She is famous for something else (I recognize those teeth). I think she gets killed in a bunch of movies. Pacey says he doesn’t hang with the beautiful people, but he knows one when he sees one.

Familiar...

Familiar…

AND OF COURSE HE WILL DANCE WITH A PAIR OF BOOBS AND NOT ANDIE.

Daddy Dawson calls from his hotel. Note he is still wearing his ring. Momma Dawson eats her feelings.

at the heartbreak hotel

At the heartbreak hotel

Jen and Jack take off and Andie turns around to see Pacey and boobs, of course.

Joey chases Dawson. Then she gets pissed at him for not wanting her to kiss other people?

In front of Jen’s house Jen is friendly with Jack and she says thanks for acting like you actually wanted to hang out with me. He doesn’t argue. She tells him to go on and fight for his lost causes. AND I THINK SHE IS REALLY TALKING TO HERSELF.

still smarts

Still smarts

Dad comes back to be a peeping Tom and joyride on the lawn. He must have stocks in a lawn-care company or something

Andie: You said you didn’t dance, Pacey. He says Kristy is a fantasy, so you should understand. Andie understands because Pacey is her fantasy. Pacey is like wow, why do you like me? I’m worthless. She’s all, ditch the loser complex, and she tries to storm off. He says sorry, I would rather have the moment with you. He asks her to dance with him. They suck some face.

little bit of dancin', romancin'

Little bit of dancin’, romancin’

Joey is blatting on Dawson’s bed when he comes home. Is there always so much crying on this show? Finally she says she is sorry. Dawson wants to know what is going on between them and why is she pulling away after getting what she wanted. And she is like all I dreamed about was you but then I got my dream and now I don’t have anything else, no future, unlike you. Then she says we have to break up so I can learn how to make myself happy. Um…imma let that one go.

cryyyyyyin' over you

cryyyyyyin’ over you

Dawson drops the L bomb before she jumps out the window. She says it back but you know what they say, SOMETIMES LOVE JUST AINT ENOUGH. So they break up anyway while Dawson is very confused.

They both make very sad frowny faces. Then Dawson smashes the shit out of his stuff and Joey sprints off in her heels. He kicks the ladder down. That ladder can’t catch a break.

This is all your fault LADDER

This is all your fault, LADDER

MVA = Pacey: Actually, this indictment of high school conventions isn’t limited 
to dances. It covers the whole spectrum of school-sponsored events. 
Case-in-point: Joey, how many high school football games have you been to?

Runner up+Joey: I think because we wanted to ease into the subject to make the 
transition from friend to lover… unconfusing.

 

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 2, Episode 2 – Crossroads

Eew. Sausage maker infomercial on TV while Dawson and Joey make out. Subtle. Then Dad’s cabled arm turns off the TV and mom looks pretty shocked over a little bit of tongue, especially considering she is such a hoe bag.

gross arm

gross arm

WHAT? NEW CREDITS? I don’t like all of these garish primary colours, and seriously why is Jen’s hair so terrible?

I prefer pastels

I prefer pastels

I hope you withheld your hairdresser's tip

I hope you withheld your hairdresser’s tip

Pacey flunks even his diver test. Yay he is brunette again! But his hair is still fluffy. Also, it is his birthday.

sad pacey

FAIL!

Dad wants to have the talk with Dawson. I LOVE these through-the-fridge shots.

creative

Ooh, Sunny D!

And Mom wants to have the talk with Joey since she doesn’t have any older female rolemodels. They do not want any grandbaby Dawsons.

Be afraid

Be afraid

Mom and Dad hate on each other.

And Grams is, like, loving the single life. Jen just wants to sleep and Grams practically breaks into song.

go away

Go away

Pacey is in a shit mood at school. He throws his bike and Dawson wants to talk about himself. Pacey hints that is it is his sweet 16, but Dawson don’t care none. Pacey leaves, with parting words, I think I hear Joey calling you.

Pacey sits with Jen and says he has a bad case of Molly Ringwald’s today. And Jen sorts out that everyone forgot his bday—Pacey feels sorry for himself and says Dawson would always make up for his family not loving him. They both say they are happy for them even though they have turned into selfish pricks. Pacey says he is getting his own story line WHICH I DOUBT.

Abby again being Abby. She is out of gym for the entire semester. She stole some doctor’s letterhead, rather than use Jen’s lame excuse of period cramps.

OMG THE ’90s TWISTY MINISCULE HAIRCLIPHAIR I AM LOSING MY SHIT HERE.

hair, hair, hair, look at her hair! MUCH 90s SO FASHION

hair, hair, hair, look at her hair! MUCH ’90s SO FASHION

Joey and Dawson make out some more. I don’t know why they are in this pink bed instead of school. I hear a baby, so this must be at Joey’s house. Joey tends the baby while Dawson goes through her things and then decides to read her diary. The music goes intense and his face is MAD, so something bad.

this aint good

Just casually breaking some trust

He tosses the book and takes off when she comes out and he says he has done enough reading for one day. Pacey is postering at school, and Dawson is back at school and now I guess it is the next day. Dawson cries because Joey hates his movie. Pacey is pissy and tells him to get over himself.

Andie Mcphee introduces herself to Joey because her bro Jack is looking for a job at the Icehouse, so she puts in a word for him, and Joey says he can come in and ask for her.

Dawson asks Joey what she thought of his movie, and she says it was awesome so he quotes her diary about the movie. She puts it together and says she could sue him for reading her diary.

feel my wrath and future lawyers

feel my wrath and future lawyers

Mitch is at some weird industrial looking place on the water and has a beer with some guy and a very nice looking dog.

Grams brings back Mrs. Leery’s dish from the casserole she gave her. Skanky wife asks church widow for advice.

Dad is getting advice not to divorce her because it will cost a lot of money and he would only be a weekend dad.

Grams wants her to work on her marriage and mom said she bought all the sex toys she could find but nothing is working. Grams is like you silly hoe, I meant LOVE.

Dad’s friend says go for an open marriage like the one my wife and I have.

Pacey and Andie banter and say heart stripe a lot more times. He calls her a spoiled trust fund casualty from Rhode Island.

Jen shows off her exes to Abby while they bond in her bed. Abby calls the rest of the gang “Forest Gump and company” and she whips out a bottle of champagne she carries around in her purse with her.

Dawson and Joey have a spat at the Icehouse. Jack shows up and Joey forgets all about her earlier conversation and is like who the hell are you? Then gives him a job washing dishes. Then Dawson and Joey sorta break up because Dawson doesn’t know Joey.

Pacey and Andie are hanging out on the pier with a bunch of strangers. She says strangers make her nervous, and he’s like, you are not nervous with me. She’s like: You don’t make me nervous, you make me mad.

People are playing volleyball and hanging out in bathing suits and no one above a size 2 got a flyer, I guess. Or maybe Capeside has a weigh-in requirement.

Pacey is getting shit treatment from everyone even though it is his party.

Jen is fall-down drunk and Abby is hammered too. She dares Jen to make out with him so she does and Dawson says what is wrong with you and she stumbles away and Abby gets mad at him, saying, “Nice going, Romeo.”

drunk Jen

Mm, purse champagne.

Joey is at the Icehouse and Jack is glowering at her while wiping a dish. He asks her if this is her first fight with her boyfriend. And he’s like you haven’t had your first make up either? He tells her to go ahead, I’ll lock up, and Joey’s like I shouldn’t, but I’ve known you for a few hours, so why the heck not.

here are the keys to my family's livelihood

Here are the keys to my family’s livelihood

Back at the party, Super soakers! Then Dawson comes to the party to bitch about Joey. And now it is back to being yesterday, and it is still Pacey’s birthday. Eff this show; it’s disrespect of time is so confusing. Dawson sorts out that he screwed up the bday and the road trip and generally sucks as a human being and Pacey cries more about his family not caring about him and how no one knows him.

shhiiiit

shhiiiit

Mom tries to seduce Dad, who brushes her off and then suggests they have an open marriage instead of getting divorced.

It is raining on the party and Dawson and, oh look, there is Joey. She smiles and they walk towards each other looking hungry and way too eager. They embrace in the rain and Joey looks naked because she is wearing a backless top.

no shoes, no shirt, no service

no shoes, no shirt, no service

Cut to sparkly water.

new fade technique

new fade technique

Dawson confesses he forgot Pacey’s bday. He says he pretty much sucks, and we all agree. Self pity… self pity… self pity. Joey won’t let him off the hook for stealing her thoughts but decides she will put him out of his misery and tell him that she was just hot for him so she had to put him down to cope with the unrequited love. BARF. I save the truth for you, Dawson. I’ve always believed in you….I’m your biggest fan.

And they make out.

Abby and Jen are truly barfing while Abby talks about Joey and Dawson banging. Jen wants him back and Abby speaks for all of us when she says “GAWD WHY?” Since they are now besties, Abby declares they will get him back for her.

Andie gives Pacey a bday gift that she had meant for her bro for Xmas, and happened to have in her car. IT IS A MAGIC EIGHT BALL! This show is really killing me with ’90s nostalgia this episode.

Andie throws the eight ball in the drink pretty much immediately. Pacey talks about change, and they discuss his identity. Pacey says we are so deep.

More sparkly water followed by more sucking face.

Dawson sends Joey home so he can go try to mend things with Pacey.

Drunk Jen is one hot mess at home.

hot mess

What have I done to my hair?

Pacey and Dawson clean up as Dawson apologizes for being a douche. Pacey forgives him immediately. They take off in a boat.

Most Verbose Articulation: Dawson: You’re not going to believe it. Mitch and Gail have gone completely off the deep
end. You should have heard them today lecturing Joey and me about the finer points of 
adolescent sexuality. It was momentously awkward.

Runner up, Joey: Though, I don’t owe you any explanation, I do owe you the truth because I have 
always been honest with you. The truth is…I’ve had these feelings for you for a long time, 
Dawson. And I get a yearning, I’ve been squelching. I don’t know, somedays it would just 
make me so mad at me, and us, and I had to take it somewhere and unleash it. It’s my way 
of coping. It’s where I go to trash life. And so it’s not necessarily the truth, it’s what I’m 
feeling at that particular day at that particular time. I save the truth for you, Dawson. I’ve 
always believed in you. I mean, you’re the most extraordinary, talented person that I’ve 
ever met. I’m your biggest fan.

Dawson’s Creek Revisited: Season 1, Episode 4 – Discovery

First thing we see this episode is a videotape of Jen walking all casual-like, just being hot. Dawson’s watching the tape (Natch), calling her perfect. I hope this is movie footage and not stalker shit.

Isn't this Jen's first scene from the Pilot?

Wait… isn’t this Jen’s first scene from the Pilot?

Joey’s none too impressed with Dawson’s devotion, and details how Jen’s too averagely gorgeous to be perfect. Her face apparently leaves nothing to the imagination. Now, see, I thought a dress could leave something to the imagination, but one would think a face is supposed to just put it all out there. Anyhoo, Joey outlines a successful upper class future for Jen, based entirely on her face. (Jesus, has she even seen this show?)

After Joey’s done being horrible at predicting the future, Dawson turns the conversation to his parents’ anniversary, and wants to talk gifts. Obviously, this is an uncomfortable conversation for Joey, who knows all about Mrs. Leery’s sexy affection for her co-anchor, Bob, so it’s lucky the tape cuts to Miss Jacobs and Pacey going at it. Of course, in the spirit of fine dramatic irony, they don’t know the dude in the shot is Pacey. But we do!

Wooo!

Wooo!

Dawson didn’t shoot the footage, but surmises he must’ve left the camera running out in the woods. Because most people would just leave their expensive equipment out in the woods running all night, and Pacey, who obviously knows its whereabouts because he’s in the movie, just happens to start snogging his teacher right in front of the camera without getting his face in the shot. Well, I suppose stranger things have happened. Not to me, but to someone, somewhere.

The two figure out it’s Miss Jacobs from school and the scandal of seeing a teacher get it on is a revelatory shock.

We’re now panning the Cape to some light pop rock and the leading foursome are gossiping about the Miss Jacobs sex tape. Well, kissing tape from what I saw. But it may as well be a sex tape they way these people have been treating kissing so far. Everyone finds this funny except Pacey, who truly seems surprised. So he really didn’t notice the running camera on a tripod in the spot where they’ve been filming a movie. Okie dokie! Dawson calls the tape pornographic. See? May as well call it a sex tape.

Pacey tries to play it cool to see if they know who the guy was, which is totally unnecessary because that probably would have come up by now in the conversation. Pacey now says he wants to see the tape and Joey says it’s so he can masturbate to it. Pacey calls her sexually repressed and Jen leaves, late for something, looking to get home before stiff old Grams calls the cops on her. Dawson follows her, and Pacey and Joey insult each other one last time.

Dawson and Jen are walking hand in hand through a nice nature scene and Dawson tells Jen how inexperienced Pacey really is, which is of course ludicrous at this point, but Dawson has had his first kiss so he’s now a worldly man of romance. Jen says the bigger the mouth, the worse the kisses, and Dawson says he never talks about it, which is 100% inaccurate if you count all the imaginary making out he’s fantasized aloud about to Joey.

And no kisses for Jen and Dawson today because Grams is spying on them in what Jen calls a menage a trois. Yep, just a threesome with grandma. Now they’re talking about repressing their urge to kiss to have an even bigger kiss next time, and you know, I’m already growing weary of all the weight put on some simple kissin’. Jen walks off, but then nuts to anticipation, she throws herself back at Dawson and they make out while Grams looks angry.

Hussy!

Hussy!

Inside, Grams wants to know if Jen’s kissing Dawson solely to upset her, which is a rather narcissistic view, and Jen says it’s just a kiss, which, oh, now it is just a kiss! Grams points out Jen had troubles being a big slut not too long ago, which all started with the evils of kissing. Jen’s tired of hearing about her exciting past sex life related back to her by her stodgy old grandma and Grams says she wants Jen to not be a big slut this time, and neither do her parents, and that’s why she’s spying on her out the window all the time.

Jen’s bored of this sort of conversation, says again that it was just a kiss and leaves. Grams, alone in the kitchen, repeats “Only a kiss” with a fatalistic whisper, which if someone were to do that in real life would be kinda weird.

Cut back to Dawson’s house and Mr. and Mrs. Leery are having a married people conversation about how unobservant Mrs. Leery is about her husband’s facial scarring. Dawson knows the scar’s origins and I guess this just shows us how bad of a wife Mrs. Leery is. Boinking Bob, doesn’t notice her husband’s scars. What else?

Mr. Leery tells his wife she should start coming home earlier so she can see more of his face and of course she can’t because she has some screwing around to do first. They have a open-mouth foreplay-type kiss in front of their son, which is inconsiderate, and Dawson gets the hell out of dodge.

Dawson enters his room to find Pacey in there (How the hell did he get in? Does everyone use that ladder?) and he’s rifling through all Dawson’s tapes looking for the one of Miss Jacobs, even though Dawson said he’d let him see it. Dawson is mad Pacey is messing up his dailies, and Pacey offers no excuse for acting crazy, or for having broken into the house. Dawson doesn’t even question the breaking and entering.

Dawson tells him he needs to cool his jets and retrieves the tape from a book that’s been hollowed out. Well, there’s a detail I wouldn’t mind knowing more about. Did he just have that lying around to hide illicit tapes in? Did he make it for the tape? But no explanation is offered.

I also own spy glasses.

I also own spy glasses.

Pacey sits down and wants to have a heart-to-heart with Dawson about his love life. He says he talks big and knows girls don’t usually want him, but this time he’s got a lady for real. Dawson is floored and wants to know who she is. Pacey reveals the guy in the tape is him. Dawson doesn’t believe him at first and Pacey said no one’s first time should be captured on video.

This brings to mind some small technicalities. The video was only zoomed in on Miss Jacobs’ face. Either they took the action down to the ground, where the camera was not aimed (Unless it was somehow self aware and a voyeur) OR Pacey in his virginal glory managed to make love to his teacher standing up yet not against the tree because otherwise that would have exposed his face and this narrative would make no sense.

Pacey at first wonders out loud if the relationship has any chance (Um, no) and then wants to know if he looked like a gave Miss Jacobs a good shag on the tape. Dawson looks a little weirded out at first but says he did fine, which what? What of the actual lovemaking could he really have seen? I think at this point he’s processing that his no-lady-having best friend lost his virginity before he did, and with a hot older woman. Pacey thanks Dawson for the tape, asks him to tell nobody about Miss Jacobs and leaves.

Okay, so maybe he's not so inexperienced.

“Okay, so maybe Pacey’s not so inexperienced?”

Next scene we’re back in town and Joey and Dawson are walking together and talking about anniversary gifts. Joey thinks folk art is the best idea because they’re white and middle-aged in the suburbs. Meow, Joey.

Dawson is talking about how gross his parents are with all the open sex they’re having around the house, but also says he’s jealous of all the action they’re getting. Oh, gross! No one thinks like that about their own parents. No one normal, anyway.

Joey says she’s surprised Jen hasn’t given up the goods yet and Dawson calls her unromantic. Joey says that to get in Jen’s pants he’ll probably have to off Grams. Then Dawson sees his mom fitting a man with a suit in the store. Is it Bob? Oh, it is! Joey certainly looks smug.

Up yours, Mrs. Leery.

Up yours, Mrs. Leery.

Mrs. Leery seems a little flustered, either because she was being inappropriate with Bob in a public place in a small town where everyone knows everyone, or because a teenage girl is giving her snotty looks. Mrs. Leery introduces Bob to the kids and Joey gives him attitude. Bob says Mrs. Leery was helping him with his on-air wardrobe issues, which suggests the station could use a stylist, or probably he’s just tellin’ some fibs.

Bob says he knows about Dawson’s film hobby and would love to see his work, which wins over Dawson right away. Joey seems pissed and Dawson notices a little but doesn’t think to inquire further.

Back at Grams’ house, Jen alerts her to the fact she’s going out to see Dawson, and then asks for some honesty instead of dirty looks. Grams says Dawson only wants to get in Jen’s pants, which is laughable because he’s so focussed on Jen’s mouth he may not even be aware of her vagina. Jen defends Dawson’s virtue, mentions his lack of sex-having and Grams says she thinks Joey and Dawson do the sex-having instead. Jen says they’re just friends, and then in a tactical error says also they may just have sexual tension but that’s it. Jen sure knows how to talk Grams’ language.

Grams asks if Jen has feelings for Dawson, which she does, and Grams seems to have a little romance in her because she warms a little. But then it’s back to the “mistakes girls like you make” and Jen laughs because she can’t win against Grams trying to close the barn door after the horse has run out. Grams says she’s not trying to criticize and Jen says she knows and that it’s really just judgement. Zing! Jen 1, Grams 0.

Back in town, Pacey is running over to Miss Jacobs, who’s dining alone in public, and sits with her. This seems a little unscrupulous. She talks curriculum with Pacey and he says he wants he wants more sex books. Miss Jacobs says all the literature he’s been reading in school has sex, but he’s wanting more of the good stuff and less of the sex-kills-you stuff. Well, good luck, Pacey.

Pacey talks about sex where people just wind up happy afterwards, alluding to his hopes for banging his teacher, and he holds her hand. She withdraws and he seems unreasonably hurt that she wouldn’t want to advertise their illegal relationship.

Cut to footage of Dawson’s movie and Jen is giving a weak performance running and screaming from the monster. Dawson wants Jen’s opinion, first asking for honesty and then begging her to like it. Jen first touches on her crummy acting and then praises the work and Dawson, who ignores Jen’s self-criticism, soaks it up. They make plans to go to the station the next day and Jen seems charmed Dawson is so awed by her that he’s surprised she wants to spend time with him. She says life doesn’t have to be so complicated, but this is Dawson’s Creek, so yes it does.

Dawson sits on the bed with Jen and gives her some old movie trivia and goes in for the kiss. He starts pulling her down to the bed, suddenly bolder and probably wanting action a little more since he now knows Pacey’s getting some, and she tells him to hold up because they have time to screw later. And this makes him love her more because although he’s horny, he’s old fashioned at heart and she seems virginal (which we know she isn’t) and he’s really into that.

Now they’re at the studio where Dawson’s mom works, it’s the next day and they’re trying to get Jen to scream properly for a voice-over. The sound guy asks about Mrs. Leery and Dawson doesn’t know or seem to care where she is today. I suspect foreshadowing.

Jen tries feebly to give a new scream, fails, and they quit for awhile. At the vending machine, Dawson apologizes to Jen for being a perfectionist, although we only ever see him do one take. They flirt a bit and Jen points out Mrs. Leery. Oh, and she’s kissing Bob. In the office. Well, secret’s out and some bummed-out rock music punctuates the point.

We're hiding nothing! What could go wrong?

We’re hiding nothing! What could go wrong?

Jen and Dawson are sitting on a bench and he’s in a bad place. Jen tries to comfort him, saying that although they only ever banter and their talks are lighthearted that he can open up to her, and nope, he’s not interested. He goes right to Joey. They talk in her backyard and Dawson wants to know if she thinks people know. She says people always know and he’s like, well, we didn’t!

But of course Joey did know and now Dawson is mad she didn’t tell him. She says she didn’t want him to hate her for telling him (Which he may have) and that she thought he’d figure it out because he’s perceptive (No he’s not). But then Joey really nosedives the conversation into one about how Dawson didn’t notice the affair because of Jen, which is really not helpful or relevant at this point.

Now Dawson’s really pissed off. They go back and forth about Joey lying and her being threatened by Jen. Joey says she’s bored by Jen, not threatened, which sounds very untrue, and the argument ends with her stammering that she didn’t know how to tell him and Dawson stomping off, “Bye! See you later! Have a nice life!”

Pacey’s riding his bike to the video store (People used to rent movies on VHS, kids!) and sees Miss Jacobs dining out with a man. Uh oh!

Mrs. Leery comes home and asks Dawson where he was because she was expecting him at the studio. Holy bad judgement, Batman! Making out with Bob when you’re expecting to see your son at any minute? Good call, lady. He doesn’t let on that he knows. Mrs. Leery guesses that one of the women in his life is at fault and he runs off.

Now he’s at Grams’ house, declaring his honourable intentions towards Jen and he’s here to pick her up. He talks to Jen outside about whether he’s old-fashioned about fidelity. Oh, so now he’s going to open up. Jen says she’s glad to see him after it looked like he shunned her in favour of Joey. Dawson asks Jen to always be honest with him and she agrees casually.

But then Dawson goes on about secrets maiming and killing and Jen asks if maybe there aren’t just things people don’t want to know (Which of course there are, like for example how many men Jen’s been with) and Dawson has a one-track mind with no room for nuance and says no. Jen questions Dawson on why he thinks she moved to the Creek in the first place.

Now, Dawson thinks it’s for the saintly reason of helping Grams care for Gramps. But no, Grams is an RN and that ain’t why. Dawson’s about to have his innocence blown because here comes Jen’s reveal. Kids in the city grow up too fast and have the sex early, and Jen’s parents wanted her to move away because?

Dawson: To keep you away from kids like that?
Jen: No, I was kids like that.
Boom.

Y U no virgin?!

Y U no virgin?!

Dawson’s like, “The sex part?” Yes, young grasshopper, totally the sex part. Pacey’s doing it, your mom’s doing it with someone else, and your girlfriend (who is taking her time with you) has totally done it and with multiple partners. Dawson’s like, so you’re not a virgin after all, huh? And his arms are crossed as he cradles himself with this dark news and this is just not his week.

Cradling himself in a protective stance against Jen's dirty, dirty impurity.

Dawson has a case of the sads.

Jen asks if he’s okay with this and he’s completely not but says he is and that it could be worse. He holds Jen’s hand under duress and the same bummed-out rock music plays from the studio to tie in the theme of ladies having sexual misadventures.

The music is still playing while Pacey stares at Miss Jacobs in school the next day. Jen approaches Dawson, who now seems to be avoiding her, and he gives her a dismissive answer for why he wasn’t around in the morning. She wants to see a movie, but he says he’s got homework. She offers to study with him and he pauses and says he’ll call her.

Jen can take a hint and wants to talk about the sex issue, but Dawson cuts her off and hightails it down the hall, literally running away from his problems.

Pacey goes to see Miss Jacobs and questions her on the dude he saw her with. He wants to know about her other potential partners because AIDS. She doesn’t seem to know what he’s talking about as he goes on a jealous rant and she makes a quip about his charm when he acts his age. Ew, Miss Jacobs. Pacey wants to know if it’s gonna be him or that other man, Mr. Gold his name is.

Miss Jacobs then tells Pacey Mr. Gold is gay. This being the still-very homophobic ’90s where “That’s gay” is not considered an offensive thing to say, this is actually quite the breech of trust between friends as Mr. Gold, as a high school teacher, is not out. Bad form, Miss Jacobs. But do what you gotta do to smooth over your relationship problems with your teenage boyfriend. She also references Mel Gibson as a heart throb, which is another troubling ’90s issue altogether.

Pacey, satisfied by Mr. Gold’s homosexuality, now wants to know why Miss Jacobs wouldn’t hold his hand in public. She states the obvious (Uh, we were in public?) and suddenly everything makes sense to the poor boy who couldn’t figure this out for himself somehow. Miss Jacobs says she’s confused too and they share a moment.

Jen catches up with Dawson again and he’s still being distant, and of course wearing his signature necklace. He says he’s fine, which he’s not, and Jen presses further. Dawson’s like, I’ll say whatever you want me to say (Ass), and she wants to know why he’s avoiding her, though she completely knows why. He’s being petty again, so Jen lays out what she thinks he’s thinking: he’s feeling strange, that he doesn’t know her after all, that he’s jealous, that he wants a break. She pretty much nails it, and leaves.

Dawson’s now talking it over with Pacey in the video store they work at and is being a complete prude about Jen. He asks Pacey if it wouldn’t bother him that a girl he liked was not a virgin, and pretty much comes off like a sexist douchey-douche, considering he wasn’t nearly this horrified at Pacey having sex with his teacher, which is actually a crime.

I know about women now that I've had sex with one.

I know about women now that I’ve had sex with one.

Pacey takes the opposite view and thinks Jen’s done him a huge favour by knocking herself off the pedestal Dawson had her on and is giving him an in to her lady parts, which is also off the mark considering how long she took to kiss him. These two have Madonna/whore issues. Dawson doesn’t see it this way and can’t separate his beliefs about romance from his outdated views on sex.

Pacey calls Dawson out for being a chicken shit about sex, and rather insightfully points out the Jen he thought he knew was not the real Jen and to just enjoy it. Well, that’s not going to happen.

Dawson muses about his non-virgin girlfriend, how his loser buddy is knocking boots with a hot teacher and his parents’ failing marriage on their anniversary. Pacey asks whether Dawson has talked to his mom yet and Dawson says no. He’s going to do something much more destructive to the entire family and just tell his dad. Because obviously giving his mom the chance to do it herself would be healthier for their marriage, but Dawson’s got a hate-on for women who have non-marital sex right now so screw her. Playing a role in destroying his parents’ marriage is unlikely to improve life, but whatevs.

Cut to Dawson’s house in the evening and Mr. Leery is getting ready for his date with his wife. He’s talking about marriage and how much he loves his wife and Dawson keeps trying to interrupt him to tell him the horrible truth, saying “This isn’t the right time, but–” Mrs. Leery comes in, though, and stops Dawson from spilling the beans. She kisses her husband and leaves. Dawson loses his nerve, probably realizing taking revenge on his mom would mean hurting his dad.

Jen comes into the Ice House where Joey’s working and wants advice about Dawson. Joey’s very blunt about not being interested, but Jen is one perceptive gal. She says she told Dawson she wasn’t a virgin and suddenly Joey’s got a smile on her face and all the time in the world.

Trouble in paradise, eh?

Trouble in paradise, eh?

Jen says she’s mad at Dawson for being disappointed in her. Joey says Dawson is articulate but immature. Well, yes, that sounds about right. She nails his other failings such as pouting when he doesn’t get his way and seeing things only in black and white. And apparently he’s new to puberty and women, generally. Joey says she doesn’t envy Jen dealing with him, which is lies, lies, lies, and Jen asks if Joey’s trying to scare her off (Yes) and Joey says no (More lies!)

Jen asks what Joey would do, who alludes to the fact she’s not the right person to ask (Because she loves Dawson, d’uh) and she says ultimately she’d wait for him to grow up, which she’s been doing, herself, for quite some time now and plans on doing indefinitely.

Pacey’s at Miss Jacobs’ house and wants to know her age and sexual experience level, both of which are things only a 15-year-old boy would be stupid enough to inquire about. Miss Jacobs rattles off some numbers and Pacey seems mildly okay about it. She then knocks one off the list of prior lovers by saying “the one in high school” is Pacey, which makes him happy.

Teacher likes me <3

Teacher likes me ❤

Jen is back at home talking to her comatose Gramps about what a slut Grams and Dawson think she is. She’s feeling the pangs of being judged and sad music plays as it cuts to Dawson viewing the moon, contemplating other people’s life choices.

Joey’s there now and Dawson gets in a dig about how she’s not his friend. But she pretty much is because she’s there to make him stop being an ass and talk to Jen again. He’s all, The world is hard; I’m a teenager! But then he starts talking about how he doesn’t think they’re friends anymore because things are changing, and Joey’s confused and irritated and starts talking in metaphors involving science and museums. But they make up immediately and talk about how they must’ve been married in a past life. Then there’s some banter with sexual tension and they make up some nonsense wedding fantasy story about themselves that is hard to take seriously and things go back to normal.

Joey hits the road with the line “All this subtext is making me tired.” Me too, Joey. And with one more weird wedding reference she’s off into the night, muttering to herself about the Smithsonian while Dawson stares at the moon to sad music.

Most Verbose Articulation: Joey, you’re on a roll. “It’s called social evolution, Dawson. What’s strong enough flourishes and what doesn’t we look at behind glass cases in science museums.”

Jen’s got episode 5 and I’ll be back for 6!

Till then,
Jenn